What would you do?

United States
August 22, 2009 1:17pm CST
I read a book recently and in the first chapter, a nineteen year old told her parents that she was pregnant and moving in with but not planning to marry the baby's father. What would you do? The parents were very religious and were of course, shocked. But when she told them she wasn't going to marry the baby's father, they said she wasn't welcome in their home. The rest of the book told about the mother's struggle between wanting to follow her husband, who was the one who decided to kick the daughter out, and wanting to keep the relationship with her daughter. It was a great book about love and forgiveness. I would obviously be upset if this were my daughter but I don't think I would kick her out or end the relationship. I would ask her what her plan was and go from there. But I wonder what other parents would do or if you have been in this situation.
2 people like this
28 responses
@horsesrule (1962)
• United States
23 Aug 09
This is a situation that I do not understand. As a parent, I've always believed that my job was to give my daughter unconditional love and guidance. Unconditional love does not kick a pregnant daughter out of the house. Nor does it banish her from the family. That kind of thinking is very foreign to me and seems quite twisted and evil to me. If a person is quite religious, then how can they justify kicking their pregnant daughter out of their lives? That is in no way what I've always learned about religion. I love my daughter and she has made many terrible choices and she knows how I feel about them but she also knows that she's my child and there is nothing that will separate my love from her. Now when I was 16, I did get pregnant and I wanted to marry the man because I thought it was the right thing to do but my parents were the ones who said no no, don't marry him, just live with him and since I was underage, I had too. Once I turned 18 though, I did marry him and didn't tell my parents since they were against it.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Aug 09
unconditional love is defnitely the best there is! I didn't have that as a kid. but I try to be that parent to my kids and it has worked well for everyone so far. and now I hope my kids well do that for their kids and on and on. That's what the mother of this girl finally figured out. She wasn't willing to disengage from her daughter and gave her Jesus' love instead. the love that says no matter what you do or who you are, I will still love you. at the end, the father came around too but it took him a little longer. I'm glad to hear that your situation worked out. are you still married to him? sounds like a happy ending. thanks for sharing.
• United States
23 Aug 09
As I had my daughter unwed at the age of 19, I'm gonna have to say that I would be pretty understanding. I'd support her as much as i could, as well as welcoming the boy her got her pregnant into the family. I'm not saying i wouldn't be upset with her, but there are better ways to deal with that other then kicking your child to the curb. Would sit down and talk with her. Give her as much help as possible while letting her know she's in big trouble via mommy lol
• United States
25 Aug 09
I wholeheartedly agree lady! there are very few good reasons to reject your child, or any person for that matter for making a mistake. There's lots of stuff in life that isn't good but you deal with it and move on. thanks for your input.
@Hatley (154691)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Aug 09
stephwrites if something had happened like that to the'daughter whom I wished had lived,oh my I would be so glad to have her, no I couldnt'kick her out.my god,no I wouldnt like it but we would 'talk it over and tryto get the boy to marry her. then we would'plAn for A new bAby. what a great thrill that would have been my own daughter alive and a new bAby? but thats only what if.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Aug 09
hatley, you have certainly put a new perspective on the situation. We see news about accidents and homicides every day on the tv and take our lives and family for granted when it could all be gone in a heartbeat. I could not say that I know how you feel. but your experience makes the question so unimportant. thanks for sharing.
@trisha27 (3505)
• United States
22 Aug 09
If this was me and my daughter had told me that she was pregnant and moving in with the father of the baby without getting married. I would wonder what there decisions would be and go from there. I mean she is an adult and liable to make her own decisions and if that was something she decided then I would have to support her. But ending the mother daughter friendship or even disowning her is not the answer. Its not going to solve anything or make it any better. There are actually families that do this all the time that disown their daughters out of shame and because of the spiritual beliefs and back grounds. I can't believe that a family or even a mother would disown there child because of the mistakes that they had made.
1 person likes this
• United States
25 Aug 09
trisha, I have recently learned because of my oldest son, who just graduated high school, that kids definitely have to learn and make decisions on their own. everything I've tried to advise him about he has ignored. but he's made some bad decisions and now he knows why I gave him the advice I did. but he's one of those kids who is not going to do what anyone else says to do, he has to learn it on his own. and family is the first place anyone should be able to turn when they need help. I plan to do that for my kids, not matter what it is. thanks for your input.
@oztoo3 (25)
• Australia
24 Aug 09
I agree with everyone else. I would not kick my daughter out. It would be very hard for the mother to have to go along with the fathers decision to disown their daughter. I don't believe I could do it. Even if it meant breaking up my marriage. So it sounds like the book had a happier ending. Did the father change his mind?
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
23 Aug 09
I would never for any reason tell any of my children or their children that they are not allowed in my home. My home is their home. One and all. They are the true loves of my life.
1 person likes this
@uicbear (1903)
• United States
23 Aug 09
There is no way in the world that i would break off my relationship with my daughter. I would of course be disappointed in the actions that have led her to her current circumstance, and be worried over how at such a young age has put such constraints as having a child will put on her. But, she is accepting responsibility for her situation and the father of the baby is accepting responsibility. I would give them all the support and love that I have. If my husband felt differently, that wouldn't stop me and I would deal with his attitude myself.
1 person likes this
@kprofgames (3025)
• United States
23 Aug 09
Sad part about that book, it happens more than we know. I don't think that any child should be thrown away. You don't stop being a parent when a mistake happens, means you need to be MORE of a parent to guide them. All mistakes can be corrected. I don't think a teen becoming pregnant means her life is over. Honestly, it's beginning on a whole nother level. So being a parent isn't easy, but being a good parent means you know that the job never ends.
1 person likes this
@lynnemg (4540)
• United States
22 Aug 09
I would definately be upset, but I could not really judge her. I didn't marry my oldest child's father, and I don't feel that marriage is necessary just because a girl becomes pregnant. In some cases, the relationship becomes horrible, as it did in my case, and marriage would be the worst thing for every one involved. I would rather that a child see both parents happy then for that child to grow up in a bad environment filled with bitterness and anger. I would, as I said, be upset, but I would stand by my daughter and help her raise that baby.
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Aug 09
I would be supportive, and of course she would be in trouble. I would try to be around her more often to see what she was doing. But of course, I wouldn't kick her out. Life is about loving family. It's not about kicking them out of they're home for stupid decisions, and of course, not mistakes. I agree the Nineteen year old Girl, shouldn't have done what she did. But, her parents could have been a little more kind, supportive, and understanding.
1 person likes this
@zoey7879 (3104)
• United States
22 Aug 09
I couldn't kick my daughter out, especially while pregnant. There are so many what if's in those situations, and many of them are NOT good. I want my grand child to have a roof over their head and to be safe, as well as my daughter; I would be upset, yes, but not enough to put both my daughter and grandchild at risk.
1 person likes this
@Minesky (245)
• Philippines
23 Aug 09
Hi stephwrites! You know, I am quite curious on why the daughter made the decision on not to marry the baby's father. I see it quite brave on her part. The girl may have seen a quality of the guy that is obvious showing that he is not fit to be a father at that time. The father is not as open minded as the mother, and the mother is still 'hiding' in the father's shadow, so to speak. Obviously, I favor women rights LOL With the current times, this situation is not really new anymore, and there are already parents who respect their son/daughter's decision to marry or not. What is most important is that the daughter who is pregnant is in a safe haven to take care of herself and the baby. I do see that here in our country. Just asking, what is the name and author of the book? I would like to see it through... Cheers!
• United States
25 Aug 09
The book is 'Castles in the Sand' by Sally John. It's really good, I couldn't put it down.
23 Aug 09
This only happened with one of my daughters. She moved in with her boy friend and then they had two girls before they finally got married. Our reaction?? We helped them all we could
23 Aug 09
I meant to add that to me as a athiest the father's reaction clearly shows how following a religion can twist your mind.
23 Aug 09
If this happened to me I am sure my mother would be annoyed at first but support me in the end. She would probably get mad and say she doesn't want to speak to me anymore and everything but she wouldn't mean it. I think at the end of the day she would want to support me and make sure everything was ok. I can't imagine it is easy for anyone though. Although my mother is religious, my family in general isn't and we don't have any kind of "image" to keep up to other people. I guess sometimes others care a lot about being judged and what others think of what's happening to their family to the point of disowning children to make themselves look good.
• United States
25 Aug 09
We are not supposed to judge. but I personally would look down on the parents more for disowning their child in their time of need than I would at the child for their mistake. thanks for your input.
• United States
22 Aug 09
That's one of those things we as parents never want to hear. However, I have always gone for relationship with my kids. You gotta preserve that above all.. perhpaps that's why we haven't been in that situation! I don't know... I would never kick my child out though, not in that sense of the word. Besides, there isn't one scripture that talks about "getting married"... in some opinions the act of s*x is an act of marriage, like a covenant.... sometimes you just gotta give a little and forgive a lot.
• United States
22 Aug 09
mac, that was the daughter's agrument, that because they have 'mated' and will share the child and made a commitment with each other,they are married. I can see that logic but the parents brought up some valid points too: one of them would have a different last name than the child, and if something happens to the other parent, they would not be allowed to know personal info or visitation at the hospital. I can't remember what else. But the relationship is definitely the most important part of the scenario. The girl's mother saw that right away and the parents separated until the father came around and realized what he would be missing if he didn't forgive her. And I want my children to know that I love them no matter what they do.
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
26 Aug 09
i would probably do the same thing as you would. some parents see beyond religion. they see the role they really have to play as the situation calls for. this isn't thwarting religious teachings. it is actually more of the product of those teachings. some people stick to teachings alone. this ain't bad. it's what they can only do. fortunately some people have the wisdom to adhere, believe and fortunately really apply the love and understanding and real guidance any religious teaching calls for .
@sugarlen (138)
• Philippines
25 Aug 09
As a mother, it is not for us to condemn a child when she made a mistake of being pregnant. Although it is better also that she doesn't get married just because she is pregnant. At nineteen, she still has a long way to go. I think as a mother, I will convince my husband to accept realities of life. I will also enlighten my husband that we too fell in love and fought for our love so we have to understand our daughter this time the way our parents understood us.
• Italy
25 Aug 09
This situation is a gift of modernism and liberalism. In my culture, society, religion and i know even in your religion also such situation is most hated one that a girl a teenage girl telling her parents she is pregnant and also dont want to marry the boy. I wounder what modernism will show us more in future. This a small picture of a disturbed society. I am looking a generation ahead that ppllz dont know who is there father.
• United States
24 Aug 09
Man, this hurts me so much when you see families completely disowning their children when things like this happen. Maybe the daughter doesn't love the guy, why should she HAVE to marry him because of this? I actually got pregnant when I was 19, and I was definitely an adult and ready to make my own decisions; I got married when I was 19 also. Anyways, if she were my daughter, I would love her no matter what for her decision, but I would let her know that if she decided to become a single mom for now, and not marry the guy, that I would help her anyway that I could, to help raise the child until she decided to marry. I know my husband would want to do the same thing.
@aerous (13475)
• Philippines
23 Aug 09
In my opinion is that no need to kick off your daughter, if she do that thing. As parents we should understand about the situation the kid sufferings. Ask her why and look for ways to understand her. Try to analyze the problem of the kid to guide her if needed. That's my views my friend...have a great day!