Is it right to give children presents everytime a mother comes home from work?

Philippines
August 23, 2009 3:33am CST
The separation anxiety of my daughter has been solved. If before I had a hard time leaving my daughter at home, now it's not a big problem anymore because she got used to me leaving the house everyday provided I give her something when I reach home. When I don't bring her a present, she would really cry hard and will not stop until I give her a present. This became our routine and I don't know if this is good. Assuring her that I will go home and promising her to bring a present for her makes it easier for her to let me go to work. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
3 people like this
27 responses
23 Aug 09
If im totally honest i think youve made a rod for your own back there. I know when kids are giving you a hard time its easy to just give in to them but i think you need to try and break this habit asap. She wont have any value for gifts as she will just expect them and its not good. Also in this situation she is the one in control and not you as the parent. I know its hard, and it will be hard trying to break it but i think you need to do it sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the harder it will become. I know leaving your children to go to work can leave you feeling a little bit guilty but you have nothing to feel guilty about, your going out to work to provide for her. Best of luck to you
1 person likes this
• Philippines
23 Aug 09
Thank you for being so honest with me . .. I get your point and I consider it .. I hope I can get over this soon so she will give value to small gifts.
@Annie2 (594)
• United States
24 Aug 09
I have to agree with polo princess. The child will not value the gifts, but will certainly expect them. This has happened to my little one . . . her dad would give her a gift, or several gifts every day -- toys, books, jewelry and things. Most were used from a thrift store, so cost very little. The problem was, the minute she would see him, she would ask, "Where's my surprise?" She would only play with it a while and next thing you knew it was on the floor, forgotten. Do you know how many toys and goodies that piles up to over a year's time. 365 plus the days of several toys, plus Christmas, plus birthdays, plus easter! Think about it! We don't have the room for those things. I would round up toys and donate them several times a year and still have them running over the shelves and toy boxes! The best gift you can give your child is warm hugs and kisses, maybe sit right down with her and read together, talk, play a game, and relax. Your love and attention and assurances that you will come back after work every day are the best gifts you can give her!
• Philippines
25 Aug 09
I always give quality time to my daughter everytime I'm home. .. . Through the suggestions and comments of my fellow mylotters, I tried today not bring gifts or presents to my daughter and she was teary eyed when I said I had nothing to give her. But when I said I will read 5 books for her tonight before we go to sleep, she agreed. I guess, my daughter is just trying to trick me. . . I will slowly stop giving her gifts so she will value more the gifts given to her. . . Thanks for commenting.
@jimntam (93)
• United States
26 Aug 09
I'm not sure. Guess it depends on what kind of gift and if you can afford it. Maybe a sucker, stickers, or something inexpensive like that. I only wonder if you will have to continue with this habbit or if eventually she'll get use to you going to work and understand it without the gifts. When I went back to work my daughter was 3. I can still remember her crying for me not to go. I told her I had to go to work so I could buy her more pretty dresses. It was sooo sweet. She came back through tear filled eyes and said, "I don't want any more pretty dresses, I want my mommy!!" I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time when she said that.
• Philippines
26 Aug 09
I'm trying to stop giving her gifts so she will value the gifts given to her.
@bellis716 (4806)
• United States
26 Aug 09
I do not believe that a daily present for your child is good at all. It teaches her to be selfish. You two should be glad to see each other, not just the daughter being glad to see the bringer of presents. No present, no smile, and probably boo-hoo (possibly even a tantrum)instead of a hug and kiss. As she gets older, her desired gifts will get more and more expensive. An occasional small gift would be good., maybe once a month, but it should be a surprise, not on a set schedule.
• Philippines
27 Aug 09
I am doing my best to stop giving her gifts everyday. I hope everything will be alright soon. Thanks for responding.
@savypat (20247)
• United States
23 Aug 09
A bad habit, I know you feel guilty but you need to break this as soon as possible. Start giving less and less. She needs to learn that just having you home is her present. Don't worry raising children is hard and there isn't a one of us that doesn't make things harder for ourselves this way. Blessings
• Philippines
25 Aug 09
I have actually started today to stop bringing gifts to my daughter. Well, she became teary eyed and I just promised her to read a book later before we go to sleep. . .. I hope this will work for a longer time. Thanks for leaving a comment. God bless.
@blueunicorn (2409)
• United States
23 Aug 09
I personally think this is a really bad habit to get into. Why don't you make the gift something like a hug or a walk around the block? Something that a child can enjoy but is not a tangible thing. That way the child has the satisfaction of having you home but does not become dependent on things.
• Philippines
25 Aug 09
I will try my very best to stop giving gifts to my daughter evertime I come home. .. Thanks.
@versio9 (329)
• Philippines
23 Aug 09
i don't think it is right but i understand your circumstances and for the meantime i think giving your child a gift will work. but you will spoil her. gradually "forget" that gift once in a while. don't let her expect anything from you eventually. the separation anxiety you worried about has been taken cared of. and replaced the new problem with "gift anxiety." this early think of other solutions.
• Philippines
25 Aug 09
I have actually already started looking for some other ways to reward my daughter instead of gifts. .. I hope the reading of books before sleeping will work for a longer time. Thanks for commenting.
@uicbear (1903)
• United States
23 Aug 09
I understand you feeling bad when you have to leave to go to work. There's nothing harder than walking away from your child when they are begging you to stay (and in your heart you may not want to go anyway). However, the pattern you have created is not necessarily functional, and you child is in control almost to the point of manipulation. I would try and change the whole present thing for starters. Maybe tell her in the morning that instead of a present, you will read a story together, or play a quick game, or maybe even let her help with dinner.
• Philippines
24 Aug 09
Thanks for responding. . . I love this, "instead of a present, you will read a story together, or play a quick game, or maybe even let her help with dinner". I will do this so I won't be buying her presents and I hope it will work. Thanks again.
@JenInTN (27565)
• United States
23 Aug 09
I know it makes it easier to leave her when she is calm about it and I also know how hard it is to leave her and go to work. Mine would cry for me too. I think that you are a great mom and you are doing the best you can to make your child happy. I'm going to be honest though, by doing this she will come to expect a gift everytime. There may be times when you are not able to do this and it may cause issues later. As a mom, you have to do what you think is right but don't create another problem by putting a bandaid on this one. Take care my friend.
• Philippines
24 Aug 09
I am trying to do something to stop this. .. You are right in saying that she will always expect for presents everytime I come home. . .. I will do my best to stop this so she won't grow up as spoiled kid. Thanks.
@cindyhxf (1447)
• China
23 Aug 09
i think it is ok that if kid is baby .presents can make them smile and happy it is good way to do.but if the kid grow up and want the presents always,i think it is not good that they think like that.presents is given by other not asking to give.have a nice day
• Philippines
24 Aug 09
My daughter is just three years old. . . I hope by the time she starts going to school she will stop asking me for something.
• United States
25 Aug 09
Whether it was right or wrong doesn't matter because it is done. The good thing that has come from it is that your daughter does understand that you are not leaving her forever, and that you will be back at the end of every day. Now what you need to do is change over from gift giving to something else. Like time spent. Everyday when you leave for work she gets to pick the activity the 2 of you will do together when you get home. A story to read, have a snack together, cook together, play a game, play with dolls, whatever it is that she likes to do, and obviously that fits into the schedule of what's happening depending on the time you come home. This way she will have that to look forward to, and you will too! She may not like it at first, but here is where you have to be tough and say it is this, or nothing. Trust me, if she is that stubborn, it will only last a day or 2. I do this with my own son when he gets demanding, and he is going to be 6 next month, so I'm not saying something I don't practice on my own. Good luck to you!!!
@Robin114 (23)
• United States
24 Aug 09
As long as its not something to spoil her, I say why not, kids need time to adjust,if this make life easier then why not, I am sure you feel better about leaving her yourself.
@indahfth (11173)
• Indonesia
24 Aug 09
I guess that's not true. prize if given every day, the child will always expect a gift. you should reduce bit by bit. gift you give is better not only in the form of goods. take your child walk to where she liked. You can also accompany your child to play. read stories when going to bed. hopefully can help.
• China
24 Aug 09
Hi Dorisday, I understand your feeling. Anyway, I still think it's not good for your daugter to form such a habit. Now, it may hard to change it suddently. You may leave her an assignment everytime you leave home, and tell her if she do it good you will take her to go to somewhere that are interesting and be good for her also, or play a game with her. To bring her present just sometimes will bring her more joy!!
• United States
24 Aug 09
Truthfully, i think you have spoiled your child. One day, you may not be able to afford a gift for your child. Honestly, i think if she cries now, from not receiving a gift everyday, then what is she going to do later on in life?
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
24 Aug 09
This could be costly. It doesnt really sound like something you should keep doing for a long time. Sounds like you are questioning the pratice yourself. How are you planning to ease out of this?
• United States
24 Aug 09
IMO it is very wrong to start a child expecting a gift every working day. It takes all the pleasure away from getting a gift for special occasions or achievements.
@yogambal_64 (1016)
• India
24 Aug 09
For the time being just to console her at the initial stage it is good, but as it becomes a habit it may become a little difficult for you, as if due to certain reasons you are not able to bring home a gift in the near future, she will not accept the fact and may start throwing tantrums which may become difficult for you to manage. So you should make her understand that you will gift her something on special days only.
• India
24 Aug 09
No, I don’t think you are doing the right thing. Each mother knows how difficult it is to leave a child behind and go for work…I have been knowing this for the past 10yrs. Even then, the mother’s coming home should not be equated with a material gift…the mother coming home should be a joy in itself for the child. Maybe once you are home, you both could do things together or go for shopping once in a while for household items and then at the shop you can buy her something like a bar of chocolate or a pack of chips. If you bring home something everyday, her expectations would rise with her age and you will find it difficult to keep up. And secondly, she would expect something in cash or kind for everything you want her to do, which is like bribing her to make her accept things which she otherwise might not want to do.
• India
24 Aug 09
No my friend this is not good. I am also working woman and when i reach everyday home my son asks for something so i have made him understand that everyday i won,t bring things but whenever i feel like taking something i will bring. so initially he did some fuss but now he doesn,t ask for anything and some days i give him surprise by giving his favourite things so he knows that if he will not ask by himself he will get some good things.
@vingyan06 (2489)
• Malaysia
24 Aug 09
Hello Dorisday, I don't agree with what you are doing. In fact, buying presents everyday is not an easy task. Once you practice to do this everyday, she will demand for it. And 1 day you have no present for her, how will she react. My daughter used to have a hard time before, whenever I need to left her for work. She would cry badly and don't want me to leave her with her grandmother at home. But I tried to tell her mummy need to go to work to earn money. When she grows, she understand that mummy need to work for living. I will tell her when I earn money, Then only I will be able to buy milk and toys for her, of course not buying toys for her everyday.