A Father

By Gabs
@gabs8513 (48717)
United Kingdom
August 26, 2009 4:23am CST
I might be wrong in this but I am very angry at this As most of you know my Children are grown up, good Children and hard working Their Dad decided 4 years ago to move to Tenerif , which did upset my Daughter but she got used to it, she is close to her Dad, but told him straight when we divorced that she is staying with me, which he said suits him fine. He never did want the responsibility or ties Anyway my Daughter has been going over there to see her Dad every Year round his Birthday or just before My Son has never had a close relationship with his Dad, as unbeknown to me, he had heard and seen things that his Dad said and did to me Last year if some of you remember my Son went through a terrible time, his Dad was in the UK at the time because he had come over for my Daughters 21st Birthday, as I could not drive up there till a few Days later I contacted the Ex and asked him to please keep a close eye on him and be there for him, give him his due, he actually was for the first time, My Son and his Dad actually built a bit of a Relationship and my Son went over to see him with his Sister last year To get to the point : Their Father came over here last week with his Girlfriend to attend a Wedding, point, he never had the Money to come and visit his Kids but he can for a wedding, ok fair do He stopped in the Hotel where my Daughter works as she got them Discount They arrived on Friday Night, my Daughter was working, they had a drink after she finished work, Saturday my Daughter was working, her Dad and his Girlfriend went shopping, he never contacted my Son knowing my Son was not working till Night, my Son did not contact him, as he did not want to push himself onto his Dad, which you would understand if you knew the past My Son works in a Nightclub at Weekends to top up his Money to his normal Job The Ex told my Daughter he would be going back to the Hotel no matter what, she asked him to have one Drink with Mike when he finished, the Ex hardly bothered with Mike and did not stay for a Drink, Sunday the Wedding arrangements made with my Daughter that when they return on Monday they would meet her back at the Hotel, as it was my Daughters Day of Daughter waited till 11am and sent a text to her Dad, no reply, she then rings him and he tells her that they where in town Shopping and will see her on the Night when they go out for a Meal, no come and meet us in town, nothing. Well that is him all over and always has been, he only cares about himself, but he hurt my Girl and my Boy In my eyes he should have spent some time with them, but he didn't really when we where married as such either They went back to Tenerif yesterday and that was that I will not say anything to the Kids but I know that is him all over, my Son and Daughter know this is him to, but know I will never say anything as such to turn them against him, they are Adults and need to make their own mind up He has broken that bit of Relationship that was starting to build between him and his Son, he has also put a dent in the Relationship between him and his Daughters Is this a Father? Is this normal that you prefer to spend time with Friends and going shopping all the time then spend time with the Children? Maybe it is just me I don't know but I treasure every minute with my Children, yes even now and just as much as I did when they where little Am I the one wrong that I treasure my Children as much as I do Does a Father not have the same desire to spend times with their Children????
6 people like this
21 responses
• Regina, Saskatchewan
26 Aug 09
Oh Gabs.........you are such a MOM! lol I know that you are hurt on behalf of your kids, and that's normal. I know that your kids are hurt. But as you said, they are adults and they will get over this. My own two boys see their father for what he is (a waste of skin), and though it hurts them, because they both know without a doubt that I as a parent, am always there for them, love them unconditionally, and am not selfish where they are concerned, as their father is, they can live with his neglect. And that's the key that as adults they both understand. YOU are there for them. And though, in a perfect world, both parents being there would be nice, YOUR love and attention is what they value most.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Hi there Spark I guess I am being over sensitive again, yes they are Adults, but I still hurt bad for them even though they say they don't care, I guess I have to harden myself lol and get stronger It is good to see you again, I hope I have not upset you in any way Love to you xxx
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
26 Aug 09
Of course you haven't upset me sweets. I've just not been on the computer much. The hubs has agreed to get me a new one for Xmas though! And you are not being over sensitive. You love your kids, and so your mother's heart is going to ache for them, no matter how old they get. It's natural. But you raised your kids well Gabs, and they will cope as long as they have you to love and be there for them. So no worries ok? I'm going to see my oldest son soon. (Last two weeks of Sept.). He's ill again and needs me. So I've been busy getting that organized as well as doing things around the house and other stuff. My apologies for not keeping in touch better........but you are always in my heart and thoughts.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
I know that you are going to see your Son and he is in my thoughts I just hoped I had not upset you see me being selfish again, knowing what you have to deal with it at the moment and things you have on your mind and I think it is me that has upset you but I just hate to think that I have You are in my Heart always you know that and in my thoughts
1 person likes this
@bing28 (3798)
• Philippines
27 Aug 09
I felt sad for your children Gabs, I can't blame you for getting angry as we mothers feel the pain more when we see our children getting hurt. I think mother's desire to spend times for the children are equal with the father but maybe this desire changed when there's in between, the new girlfriend. Anyway hope your great love for your children would be enough for them to heal the wounds and maybe later their father would realize what he did and apologize and make up with the kids.
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
No Bling the Girlfriend has nothing to do with it as she gets on with my Children My Children are fine, he has never been any different he has always been like this, he comes first then others Hugs to you
@bing28 (3798)
• Philippines
28 Aug 09
ah really, so I will conclude now that we mothers have more desire to spend time with our children than their fathers or in his case only? cheers Gabs your children would appreciate you more.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
5 Sep 09
Well I think so but then there are some Fathers that dote on their Children to not all are like him
• United States
26 Aug 09
I guess some do, & some don't. I really don't know enough about the past to actually say, other than it seemed to me that he went to stay at the hotel Mel_87 is it? works at knowing that he'd get a discount. However, I sent a PM to someone who might actually put some nice ideas in your head & be a bad influence on you. Hopefully, our red head with the blond star will drop by with her good ideas.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Lol KK I know she has Comp Problems right now The past is the past now to me, it took a long time but I have got over it now and I am at Peace but to hurt the Children like that is beyond me but that is him all over
• United States
26 Aug 09
Greez ... right after I responded, Michael's older brother started singing his song "Daddy's Home" ... (originally sung by The Limelights) ...
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
26 Aug 09
1 person likes this
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
27 Aug 09
Appearently not. I never spoke bad to my children about their father. He came to visit once when my son was 1yr old and the reason for visiting was not to see the son he wanted but to see human services so he could try to cancel child support. LOL!!! My children are grown now and they can see for themselves how their sperm donor is. Seeing is believing. They have nothing to do with him either now. Just another starnger on the street.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
29 Aug 09
That is so sad and I do not understand that it does not hurt the Dad I do not understand that they do not feel the natural instinct to their Children
@jdyrj777 (6558)
• United States
30 Aug 09
When i see a father raisng his children alone i can really have some deep respect for him. Every now and then you see the mother not having that motherly thing.
1 person likes this
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
27 Aug 09
I am so sorry for you kids. I went thru the same thing with my x and my son and really still am now that my son is grown and has kids of his own. But, the good part is, (ok, so it doesn't seem so blasted good) but my son is a better father after what his dad did and did not do for him-----even now that my son is 42 my son still calls his dad by his first name--when he is forced to talk to him--- My x doesn't seem phased by this but he is gung ho for his second family after my son and I left him years ago-------- Take heart, Gabs, you are not the only one to go thru this. I will put you and your kids in my prayers. quita88
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Hi Quita I know there is many about and even worse but it just hurts me that he can hurt his Kids like that I mean he has never really been there for them as such I just do not understand any Parent at all that do not treasure the Gift of Children I really don't
@quita88 (3716)
• United States
27 Aug 09
As bad as I hate to say it, life ain't fair. A lot of men, not all, just don't have the parental feelings they should have. Most men are raised to believe it's the woman's place to care for his own kids and he is the father and the kids are born and now it's all your turn to take of them. My first husband was that way with my son/his son but his daughter born of his second marriage is specail to him for some reason. My son doesn't understand this and I don't blame him but what can we do about it? There is no one is this whole world that doesn't look like his dad more than my son does, but still his dad puts more into his daughter of the second marriage. So, GAbs, with out understanding, we, you and I , have to somehow make our kids see that they will survive, but also take heart in the fact that they can be better parents by seeing how their fathers treated them. Girl,it's something you cannot change. Take care, quita88
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
26 Aug 09
Father do to an extent. but y'll know just how he is so no use to put yourself inb a tizzy about it. Just like my x giving up the 3 boys to adoption cause he didnt want me to have them. and then he never looked for them I did and found them. He aint interested in them at all to this date.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
I know and I just do not know how they can do it specially what your Ex did
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
27 Aug 09
MEstery to me too!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Aug 09
I can understand him wanting to see friends, but he should have at least contacted the children and spent some time with them.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Hi there Dawn yes he could but well he hasn't changed
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
26 Aug 09
He doesn't want to change and he's the only one who can make that happen. Sorry for your kids though, that had to hurt.
1 person likes this
@savypat (20247)
• United States
26 Aug 09
I can understand why you are upset on behave of your children, but you said it yourself they are now all adults. Remember each of us come into this world to grow in our own way and no matter how close you are to another person you do not edxperience the world in the same way they do. Both of your children may grow into strong individuals in a way they would not have if they had had a unselfish, loving relationship with their Dad. Just stand by your rule not to be critical and to support your kids. Blessings
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
I always do support them and have done but it is awful and it hrts to see the Children hurt adults or not Thanks Pat again, I do see what you are saying I guess I am just to soft and weak and let it get to me
@savypat (20247)
• United States
26 Aug 09
No you are just a Mom like the rest of us
1 person likes this
• Australia
4 Sep 09
Well Gaby, as you know, I had three "fathers" and my opinion of fathers was of the lowest order, making me a man hater. Thankfully that changed when I was 22 and changed even further over the next years. My husband of almost 50 years is a wonderful father to his children and I've seen the other side of fatherhood. Gaby, HE is the loser. I know Mel would feel hurt and I'm sure Mike would too. I know how I felt when I sought out my biological father and he wanted nothing to do with me. I feel sorry for your ex Gaby. He has missed out on wonderful times, but YOU can be thankful for the result of YOUR work with those kids. I know they are thankful for you.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
5 Sep 09
I know Cloud but I just do not get it I thought he would try and keep the Relationship with his Son I really did Hugs to you
@MsTickle (24962)
• Australia
1 Sep 09
If everyone cared for others as they should, especially family, there would be no marriage break-ups, no violence, no addictions, no divorce, no family breakdown. Perhaps there would be no crime or terrorism, no racism, and so on and so on. Reality sucks Gabs.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
5 Sep 09
Yes it does Suck you are right there MsTickle
@jillhill (37384)
• United States
28 Aug 09
My ex is somewhat the same way...in fact one of my daughters didn't even talk to him for seven years! They are all grown up and very sick and tired of him.....he does the same thing....promises them a visit then backs out....I think they only think of thmeselves....and it's tough for us mothers to see our kids hurt! So I don't blame you for feeling for them....I also treasure the time with my kids and if I have an opportunity to see them....nothing will stop me....I don't understand what this is? I do know some fathers do love their kids and want to be with them....I don't understand the ones that don't!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
29 Aug 09
Hi there Jill No I do not understand it either I am going up again at the end of September to visit them lol just for a few Days of course you will all be traveling with me lol
@23uday (2998)
• India
27 Aug 09
Hi friend, Father F- faithful A- affection T-truthful H-honest E-earnest R-relation between family. A father is a good father to a good family and respectble family. A father is also important to a family.The relationship between a father and a son, a father and a daughter will always be a good relationship between them. My father is an good father to me.HE helps me always when i required a help.From my childhood what ever i am asking he giving to me and helping in every thing.My father is giving me a gift for my birthday. My father is an friendly nature,friend,affectionate,faithful and helping nature. have a great day.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Well you are very lucky then as not everyone's Father cares and loves that much
• Philippines
27 Aug 09
This is quite a long story, and I am very sorry that I did not read it completely. But as per my understanding, you are wondering about the behavior of your ex-husband to his children. Anyway, I think there are a lot possible reasons and being you as his former wife I suppose you know well enough about him. If he is caring before and suddenly changed when you separated, then there was a problem. But if he is acting that since you had kids then he may have a deep problem when he was a child. I think the one you should be concern more is your child. If their father is not passionate with his children, then you can make up with them. Thanks!
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Hi there Thank you for responding here and yes you have the Situation right My Children and I are very close and always have been so we had a chat on the Phone about it they are ok as they are as they say used to it but they did admit that it still hurt though we had a long talk about things and I am going to see them at the end of September for a few Days to spend quality time with them Thank you for your great response
• United States
26 Aug 09
Awww, I feel so bad for you and your kids. I'll never figure out what goes through men's minds sometimes. Alot of them are just plain clueless as to who they are hurting, and have no idea what damage they are really doing. And then again, alot of them do know. I think he just basically used your daughter, period, and I do feel he knew exactly what he was doing. I think you should kind of talk a little with your kids and see if THEY need to talk about the situation, even though they are adults. Even adults need to get some sympathy, talk out their feelings, feel supported. I wouldn't push it, but I'd certainly let them know if they need to talk about it, you're there for them with open arms, and a shoulder to lean on and talk to. That's all you can do for the time being...very sad isn't it?
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Hi there Sweet We have already talked and they are fine , We always talk as my Children are very close to me and they know I am here no matter what They know they can tell me anything and we will talk it through and they know they can talk to me about everything and we will talk it through That is how I found out about this because my Daughter rang me and told me about it , even when they where little they knew they could always come to me and one way or the other we would sort things out My Son did not seem to bothered but like I say he has never been close to his Dad It is good to see you again, I hope you are ok
@jimntam (93)
• United States
26 Aug 09
It's unfortunate that he has to be this way. There are so many fathers that seem to just not care. It's as if the donation of their sperm should be enough. Sounds like he was never there for the children when they were little so the hope of him being there for them now would be pretty slim. I'm sure his behavior disappointed you more than it suprised you. I agree that the only reason he stayed at the hotel that your daughter works at was to get the discount. He had no intention of using that time to see his children. It's sad but true. I hope someday that he'll come around and have a relationship with his children. But, then if he doesn't I hope your children can get through it and move on without him. I understand how it hurts you to see them treated like that. I remember when my ex did come around periodically to pick up our daughter for visitation. I can still remember that look on her face when she waited all night staring out the window for him and he never showed up. I was heart-broken to see her like that.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
I know it does break their Heart My Children where 15 and 18 when I had enough of him after 21 years of him being a pig So fortunately that Heart ache was spared as my Children where old enough to confront him Thank you and welcome to mylot
• United States
26 Aug 09
Well all men are different and some are really great dads and other are terrible dads....same goes with women...I have known some really really bad mothers who dont seem to care for their kids at all.... I know it is really painful for you to watch them be hurt by their own father but theres not much you can do...you cant make the man feel something he just doesnt feel.... Its a shame too because children never seem to get over wanting that relationship and some try their whole lives over and over again only to be hurt each time.... It is really sad that your ex is SO selfish that even when he was right in the same town with them he couldnt make the effort to spend a little time with them... I treasure every minute with my kids too and yours are lucky at least they have you...some children end up with two parents that dont give a crap about them.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Yes Pixel I know that and I do not understand any Parent that can not give a Sh*t about their Children and I guess I never will understand
• India
26 Aug 09
as a mother, I can feel the hurt and insult your kids have been put thru and for no fault of theirs. You know how kids will always be kids for their parents and I think it’s the same for them too…somewhere deep in their minds they always long for that parental touch and maybe that’s why Mel and Mike both wanted to spend sometime with your Ex, knowing him fully well from past behaviours. What else can I say Gabs except that maybe they will learn their lessons from this incident and remember this when they themselves become parents one day. How’s Gissy and life otherwise?
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Hi there Sud we are both fine Gissi is better now as he has been sick again but he has been to Vet and is fine now
@GardenGerty (97947)
• United States
26 Aug 09
It is his loss. Gabs, sometimes it is women who are this way, it is just some people in general who are selfish. I have seen it in other people's lives. It is a rough go for them, I am sure. If you are not close with your parent, then that seems to be all your heart longs for, is to make a relationship.
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
I just do not like seeing my Children hurt like that Adults or not but not a lot I can do about it I guess
@webearn99 (1744)
• India
26 Aug 09
It is normal for males to be aloof as the man "thing" dictates, but not as aloof as your ex, hormones not withstanding. I think he was never really there even when he was there. I cannot stop myself going into my son's room and checking if he is sick. I think he is actually feeling guilty for carrying his arm candy around. Doesn't want to get caught on the wrong foot by his own children. He may have resisted certain things because they were against his ego while he was with you and now he finds himself submissive. He would be embarrassed if that were to be exposed! The reasons can be many, but the damage is done. You have experienced his behavior and know better than anyone as to what to expect from him. So do not be unduly bothered. I am sure you have better and happier things to do. Keep your chin up!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
Thank you Web I guess I do I just don't understand that he did not want to spend a lot of time with them
@srganesh (6349)
• India
26 Aug 09
Why should you worry for a man who doesn't care for you and your family.I think,he has finished with everything when you got divorce.He should have been grown like that,selfish.Some people are like that and we can't train them and we can't expect good morals from them.Leave it and go on with your daily duties.Good people will show up in your path.Cheers!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48717)
• United Kingdom
26 Aug 09
I worry because he has hurt my Children I am not bothered about me as I do not want to see him but he still has 2 Children whether he likes it or not and that is what makes me angry