Have You Ever Told A Friend You Don't Want Their Friendship?

@wolfie34 (26816)
United Kingdom
August 27, 2009 1:54pm CST
Friendship in life is very important, and true friends especially so, I think it's true to say that most of us can count our 'true' friends with one hand. Those that stick around when life gets tough, when you reach rock bottom and you reach out for help, the true friends are those that are there and don't make a mad dash to abandon the sinking ship! A true friendship consists of trust, honesty, loyalty, understanding and respect to name just a few of the integral ingredients of a true relationship But as life changes, so do friends and those that we keep and those that we lose along the way. But have you ever had to face a friend through one reason or another to tell them that you don't want to be friends with them any more? Maybe they've broken your trust, maybe they've lied over and over again, maybe they have done something unforgiveable in your eyes, or maybe you have become ships in the night. So how do you tell a friend that you don't want their friendship? Are you upfront about it and tell them to their face, do you let the friendship drift apart so much so that you lose contact? Or do you let them think you're still their friend whilst trying to avoid them completely? And have you ever been told by a good friend of yours out of the blue that they don't want to be a friend of yours anymore? And how did you take it?
7 people like this
29 responses
@Annmac (950)
29 Aug 09
I'm blessed with several 'true' friends who have gone through most of the highs and lows of my life with me. Sadly I've lived long enough and moved around enough to know that friendships come and go. I'd say we do all depending on why we want to 'break up'Most of the time, friendships have just drifted because of both peoples changes. I don't avoid people but I don't go out of my way to bump into them if I feel the friendship is over but if someone breaks my trust in a very bad way I tell them they have, upfront.
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
I guess a lot of the time it's just easy for friendship to drift away on both parts, people do change as does life. As we lose friends, we make new ones along the way.
• United States
28 Aug 09
I think when we were very young and in grade school, we used to always tell someone that we weren't their friend anymore, but then the next day we forget all about it. However, now that I am supposed to be a mature adult , if there is someone I don't care to be around, I just avoid them like the plague. I no longer call them, and don't answer their calls. It's not that their bad people, it's just I have no interest in being in their company. So I back away, and hope they get the hint.
1 person likes this
• United Kingdom
28 Aug 09
This is something that I experienced many years back now. I was renting a two bedroom flat with a good friend, at least I thought he was a good friend. Then I found out that he had been stealing money from me and going through my stuff and things well I wasn't having any of that! I told him the friendship was over and that was that. I'm got no time for people in my life that like to take advantage and think that you are an easy touch! It's hard to do this especially when you don't have that many friends! Still, I felt better about doing that, I felt a lot stronger. Now I'm more reserved about who I let into my life. I have no qualms about severing all ties with someone if I find out that they have betrayed me in someway, the main thing is to be honest I guess and follow your instincts, this I did on that fateful day many years back! Andrew
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Hi Andrew, well that is the lowest of the low to steal from your friends, I find that totally dispicable. And as the song goes 'It's better to be alone than in bad company' is so true. Trust and honesty are the integral ingredients on any friendship, break one of those and the friendship is worth nothing and you are far better off without them.
@Opal26 (17691)
• United States
28 Aug 09
Hi my dear brother! I have been on both ends of this friendship rollercoaster and they both suck! I had a girlfriend for 45 years you I just couldn't deal with anymore! She was my "best friend"! I had told her over and over that she was a nasty, miserable, selfish, beotch and I had had it with her! She just didn't get so I finally put my foot down about a year and a half ago and broke off out friendship for good! I was her son's Godmother too and her Maid of Honor at her first wedding! It had gotten THAT BAD! It took awhile for her to finally get that I meant it and stop calling me! I also had a friend when I was in junior high and high school that I was really close to! We would have sleepovers and we were really close! When we were in high school she got into the "popular crowd" and left me behind and just stopped taking my calls and ignored me! That really hurt me! To this day I still don't know why she couldn't tell me to my face why she did that to me after us being so close for so many years and then she didn't invite me to her wedding! So, my dear brother it sucks no matter which side you are on! I still feel both relationships unresolved to this day! I know that my "best friend" would love it if I would take her back, but I can't! Too much drama and just not worth it anymore. Sometimes you just have to do things like this for your own preservation! Hugs, Opal, your favorite sister
1 person likes this
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Thank you for sharing your experiences on both sides of the coin dear sister, I agree it does suck whichever side you are on and it's certainly not easy is it. I have found that friendships in the past have just drifted, rather than either party facing the fact head on. You lose touch, days turn into weeks, weeks into months and before you know they are gone, regrets yes but sometimes honesty can be too hard to take and so some take the easiest way out, but that can be just as hurtful as taking the honest approach. Hugs appreciated, Wolfie hugs returned x
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 09
It happened to me once in Junior High. She wasn't what you'd call a close friend, but we were at my locker and my arms were full of books when I sneezed and there was just no way I could get my hands up in time to cover my mouth. The following day she told me her parents wouldn't let her be friends with me because I hadn't covered my mouth. I was very upset at the time because it just didn't make sense to me. To this day, I'm not really sure if that was a real reason or just an excuse.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Show's what type of person she really was when her parents tell her who she can and can't be friends with, if she was a true friend she'd of made her own mind up, so looking back I'd say you had a lucky escape my friend!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
27 Aug 09
Probably true and I wish I could have seen it that way at the time!
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Hindsight is a wonderful thing my friend!
1 person likes this
@PeacefulWmn9 (10424)
• United States
30 Aug 09
Hello Wolfie. I am loathe to hurt anyone, but if someone does a loved-one or me a grivious wrong, I will absolutely tell that person that their is to be no more contact between us. Usually, though, friendships that aren't truly solid seem to dissolve on their own. Their have been times I've been rejected, and it does hurt, but rather than trying to hang on to a "friend" that doesn't want that, I grieve and then move forward. Very good topic for discussion. Karen
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Hi Karen, friends come and go, and sometimes friendship just drifts away, but true friendship is something precious and these are much harder to find, more precious so when we lose them it leaves us feeling hurt, lost and a void where the friendship was in our lives, I guess everything in life is temporary and we have to enjoy it whilst it lasts and make the most of it.
2 people like this
• United States
1 Sep 09
So very true!
@sn0pea (18)
• United States
27 Aug 09
Not Exactly, But I have told one of my friends I didn't want to go out with her. Sorry if this is too off subject, but I'm going to rant a little bit. Ok, so i met this girl on the cruise and she was nice and all but i always felt like she wanted to control me. On the cruise we were just friends and all, nothing more. So the cruise flies by, and 2 weeks after that vacation I get a message from her on FB. Basically, without going into many details, she said that she was in love with me in every way. I never felt the same way about her and I declined. Two months later i get another text from her asking for my advice about a relationship which was apparently referring to me, she asked what she should do about this guy she likes who doesn't like her back. I told her to give up on him. She then goes on to tell me that "the guy" was me. Oh, but she did not only tell me that. She then started sending me text after text telling me how much "she wanted me" and how she would do anything to go out with me. Once again I declined. This girl lives halfway across the country. I've decided we can still be friends but I'm not sure that was the right choice or not. What do you think?
@x_Jo_x (1042)
27 Aug 09
It could either be a good thing or a bad thing. Either being friends will be comforting to her and help her get over you. Or It will encourage her. Spending more time with you will only make her feel like her feelings are stronger. It might be better overall and kinda to her to just stop all contact. Of course there is always the chance if you spend more time with her and get to know her better you might find that you actually do like her in that way and maybe you will end up in a relationship! Do YOU think you made the right desicion?
@sn0pea (18)
• United States
29 Aug 09
Yes. I think, hopefully, we will just ends up being friends. She does send me a facebook message every time I get online, which, I'm not gonna lie, gets annoying. But is would feel so bad if I just quit contacting her.
• United States
27 Aug 09
Yes I have had to do this. I had a true friend once that when things got rough she wouldn't think logically for her kids and family to make things better. There were plenty of things she could have done and I was ready to help her every step of the way. But she wouldn't improve anything. Finally I was so irritated of trying to help and watching her throw her life away that I didn't want any part of it anymore. She did not respect the concern that I had for her and her well-being. It's like watching your friend die and nothing you do can save them.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Sadly some people just can't be helped, they have to help themselves and we have to accept the case, it's hard but life is too short we have to worry about ourselves and those that respect and want our help.
• United States
30 Aug 09
Yes but it still hurts. It feels like you turned your back on them.
@nannacroc (4049)
27 Aug 09
I've only had to do this once and that was with someone who decided she was my friend even though I didn't like her from the first meeting. She was constantly borrowing and asking me and Mr Croc for help. She was bringing up her grandchildren and as they got older they were causing us problems. I just told her I didn't want to be friends with her, she wasn't my type of person. She told me I was a snob and we didn't speak again. It was great because I didn't need to avoid her because she knew I'd had enough.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Rational thinking dictates that calling you a snob can be construed as a positive retort! I know you don't suffer fools gladly my friend and you are assertive and say what's on your mind, that's just a few things what I like about you, you'd soon have your lickle brother sorted ;0)
@nannacroc (4049)
27 Aug 09
I must have used positive thinking without realising it then because she meant I didn't use the f word in every sentence and I don't drink. I can be a good friend, a bad enemy, that's rare because having enemies takes energy but what seems to upset people the most is when I'm indifferent to them. It's taken me a long time to be myself but I like me now and if others don't, it's their loss. Take care.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164671)
• Garden Grove, California
30 Aug 09
hi wolfie yes just once as I am careful who I become friends with and am very loyal to those friends. this one was using me to get in'good with the branch manager and when I found out I told her up front in in front of the staff that I was not friends with a person whose only reason to act like she liked me was to get in good with the boss. because I had not had much passion involved in this verycasual 'friendship I didnt feel bad at ending it.She never did get the clerk job she wanted so she quit and went else where. she had made me feel like i had been used. myreal friends never made me feel like that. they made me feel liketheir friend.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Exactly true friends don't use you to get what they want! Seems like the karma came and got her and she got exactly what she deserved. That is why I think that true friends are as many as you can count on one hand.
@patofgold23 (5075)
• Philippines
28 Aug 09
I don't think i can say that to anybody..that's too harsh. we can always offer our friendship to many.. though we can choose whom we want to be close to. but in as much as i don't like a person, i dont think i can be that rude. i might come close to not being around that person a lot. but that's all. i don't really want saying hurting words to other people.
@williamjisir (22904)
• China
28 Aug 09
Hello dear wolfie. I have never told a friend that I do not want his or her friendship. If such happens, I think that it must be very upset of the one who tells the other. Or s/he must be very frustrated or angry to say so to the very friend. Well, if I really don't want to maintain friendship with the other, I won't say anything but stay away from him/her gradually. I am sure it can be felt by the other this way without my saying anything. Have a good time, wolfie.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
30 Aug 09
Sometimes it's best just to let the friendship die of it's own accord, I guess people drift in and out of our lives, and nothing in life is permanent. Hope you are keeping well William my friend.
@sweetlady10 (3619)
• United States
28 Aug 09
Its true that friend changes with time during our life time. I also have lost lots of friends and got more new friend than I lost old friends. But I have never been told by anyone that he or she does not want to be a friend of mine any more. I lost some friend because I have to move to different place and to different school at some point of my life. Till now there is no one single bitter experience with any friend. Personally, if I don't like someone also I can't say it face to face. Because I can't hurt somebody like that. But if I don't want to be friend with someone any more than I try to ignore them; can't say it in the face though.
@ilyzium (1206)
• Canada
28 Aug 09
Hi wolfie, Yes I have. I once had a friend that was extremely competitive, judgmental, over opinionated, sarcastic, negative, narcissistic and looked at the negative side of life. When I first met her though she really was lots of fun, but as time goes by you start to see someone's true colors and what I saw I didn't like. She was the type of person that was really threatened if someone was more attractive than her or had a better body than her. We were celebrating at this restaurant one night, when I met this interesting guy and exchanged phone numbers. Well, I guess it really bothered her because she cornered me in the bathroom saying that the only reason the guy came up to me was because she had her old boyfriend glued to her side. What a thing to say...Umm no I'm not exactly chopped liver. She was also a control freak, and one of those people that have to dominate a conversation and cut you off when you talk. I remember the time I lost 10 lbs from training with a trainer, she came by with 10 lbs of chocolate which I know was deliberately meant to sabotage my efforts! My problem has always been that I'm too easily forgiving when someone "ills" me. Well, anyway I ended that friendship, we later became friends again however we're fine if I see her maybe once a year.
@Citychic (4078)
• United States
27 Aug 09
Hello Wolfie, I agree with everything that you've said here about true friends. Actually there are very few people that I've actually ever told that i didn't want their friendship. But what you mentioned about a true friend will stick by you when the ship is sinking is so true and it really does hit to the heart of matters. We know that not all friendships that are made online are going to last. It's only the true friendships that are going to stand the test of time. So I await to see which friendships will actually last and which ones wont. Again you are right, all of our true friendships we can practically count on one hand. I'm glad that you are a person that put the truth out there for people to read it everywhere. I will be the first to admit that I may not have a whole lot of online friends and my real life friends are few. But if I were to have a real true friend I would hope it would be someone just like you. A real friend will always hold your hand when you're falling and help you to get back up on your feet again.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Thank you Citychic, I am so grateful for the friends I do have, when I went through a terrible phase in my life most of my online friends stood by me, regardless of the circumstances and were there for me to call upon whenever I needed, that is unconditional, that is true friendship to me.
@tyc415 (5706)
• United States
27 Aug 09
Sad to say that I don't really have friends who are there for me through anything and everything. I though on the other hand try to be there for others when I can even if it is just on the phone, email or whatever but I have just about given up on those people also. I have known someone for 20something years and she has shut me out of her life before and we finally got back to talking, rather emailing since I don't have her phone number since she has moved several times. The last time she has shut off the friendship was just recently after I give her my thoughts about something she is doing in her life that I think she needs to step back and take a deep breath and not jump into something she might regret later on. I guess she took offense and haven't heard from her since. I am thinking I have just about give up on having friends other than my family, I mean personal friends. I do have a lot of friends on here but it is different.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Then it truly is her loss my friend, I have thought this too, what you said and I quote you please "I do have a lot of friends on here but it is different" this is true for me and I find that my friends on Mylot in particular I am much closer to than some of my 'offline' friends I am considering doing a discussion about why I am so closer to my online friends than offline and I have more 'true' friends online, those that have stuck by me when I have gone through very bad patches, unconditional friendship.
1 person likes this
@Archie0 (4669)
27 Aug 09
Yes i remember i had told one of my friends this thing, i know how rude and harsh it is to tell someone that you really dont need them as your friend.But trust me i did not say this purpoesly, reason was she kept on irritating me the time she use to be with me, she left me unbearble.She just ruled over me which i never liked and at last i had to tell her that she can spare me off.i did not need her.
@wolfie34 (26816)
• United Kingdom
27 Aug 09
Someone who rules over you or trys to control you is definitely NOT a friend and someone you do NOT need in your life.
@wolf2999 (213)
• China
8 Sep 09
I will not tell them don't to be friends face to face.
@mrakobesie (1246)
• United States
30 Aug 09
I had 2 friends that showed their true face after years of friendship. I didn't tell them up front, i just pretended they don't exist anymore. If they can't be good friends to me, then i don't want to even waste the time to explaine to them why i don't want their friendship. If they are smart enough, they will figure it out themselves, if they are not smurt enough, one more reason to stay away from them.
• Pamplona, Spain
28 Aug 09
Hello wolfie34, Mixed feelings with a few of my friendships. Things have changed in my friendships like a bolt of lightning so it´s been a bit hard to take in. Friendships I thought were genuine a few of them were not. Friendships that I had considered to be forever have not been forever but no matter. My friendship still prevails even if theirs for me does not. Friends I will help if I can but no more than that. These are the kind of friendships that have drifted apart from me because they want it that way and now I don´t really mind at all. Friendships I have found with other People who I did´nt think wanted to be friends and so on. School Friends have rallied round too in a good way. Fair weather friendships have had plenty of those and I still remember them too. Childhood friendships can perhaps hurt the most when they change radically.
• China
28 Aug 09
most of the time, we are too pregnant,so when i think some people no longer suitable for a friend,i will avoid to touch with it,and it will realize your meanings,do you think so? if we say it out,i think this will hurt the people.