Would you stay in a relationship if there was no "future" in it?

United States
August 28, 2009 10:00am CST
Why would a woman spend twenty years with a guy as a "cover" because he is gay? Why would any person agree to be the "girlfriend/boyfriend" in name only just to keep the secret of the other's sexuality? As a woman, most of us when we are young tend to look toward a future as a wife and mother. Living with someone as a cover would not allow that. Would you agree to live a "platonic" life for years knowing there would be no "future" to this relationship? No marriage, no children, nothing but a cover story to keep others from finding out the truth? And if the other party is gay why would they not just admit it, suffer the loss of some friends and savor the true friends? I don't know if I could perpetuate a lie for years. Would you do this for a friend?
6 people like this
17 responses
@jazel_juan (15767)
• Philippines
29 Aug 09
everyone has different reasons on why they enter a relationship..for some it might come as a surprise on why they do that.. like how you made an example..but then we never really know. i personally cannot live in a relationship where i know it is going no where.. i will end it no matter what. but luckily i am in one now where i know it would last..maybe not forever but it will last for reasons we only both know:)
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
So true that we have different reasons. But I tend to agree that I see no point in staying in a non productive relationship. Friends are friends no matter what, but other types of relationships have a reason for being so. Once that reason changes or ends, why stay if it cant be right. Thanks for commenting.
• United States
30 Aug 09
I agree. People enter into relationships for different reasons that only they know. Hopefully it works out for them and only time would tell. Me personally I wouldn't go into a relationship with a gay man, but maybe the person had her own reasons. A person can only do what's best for them.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 09
Yes there are any number of reasons why people do what they do. I can not understand why a person would agree to be something they are not. And of course a lot would depend on what I wanted out of my life. If there were no future, I don't think I would do it. I have thought about what it would be like to say, share a house or apartment with a gay person but only as friends. I would not pretend to be a "girlfriend" as a cover.
@patofgold23 (5075)
• Philippines
29 Aug 09
no i wouldn't...no matter how much I love the person.. what's the point of prolonging things if you know you would just end up not being together in the end? it's better to cut the strings while it's early. It is painful I know, I have been there...but as long as you tell yourself it is for the best... it justifies things. i keep myself busy so i don't think about the hurt that much.. time does heal... you will notice after time, it still hurts a little bit, but not as bad as last day, as last week, as last month....until you eventually move on. it takes a little sacrifice to be on the right path!
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
That's how I feel. If there is no reasonable explanation of why the relation should move on to the next level and no hope of doing so. Why. Neither person will benefit or grow that way. It is bound to make the couple drift apart because they realize they no longer agree. Thanks for your response.
• Philippines
29 Aug 09
true..you will get stuck if you let it be...and the longer you let it drag, you get stuck deeper and deeper until you find it hard to get out. Get out whle you still can. The hurts will heal...we know that. But to compromise your life and time and emotions for something you know is not worth it from the very start, could do a lot to you and even your plans and your life..
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
Yes compromise in this situation can bring long term problems. Especially when 20 years later one or the other realizes that their life has passed them by. Fess up and deal with the fallout. Those people who are true friends, fans, etc will always be there. If the others are disappointed and leave, they are not friends. Thanks again.
28 Aug 09
I would like to have children so if it was clear that the woman I was with did not want children at all then I don't think I could stay around even if I did love the woman. I think most people would be the same as you can't play around with relationships as down the line you are both just going to get hurt.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Aug 09
I think you are right. I think that a person in that situation would one day wake up and realize half of her life is gone and she missed something and was it worth it to miss that. And for me I don't think I would want to be part of the cover up so that no one would know the truth.
28 Aug 09
If it was about something that could be sorted out I would try my best to try and talk to my partner but you can't really do that with wanting children as If someone does not feel they want to start a family at that point they certainly should not be forced into it.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 09
Yes, you are right about that.
@AKMEDIA2 (328)
• United States
8 Sep 09
It depends on what the purpose of the cover is. If the purpose were for a good reason like if the homosexuality were discriminated against in such a manner that it would hurt the person, I would help them. It all depends on the case and each situation is different. For some causes I would do it and for others I would never.
• United States
8 Sep 09
I can see where, after some thought, it would be useful in that regard. Good point. Thanks for responding.
@hagirl (1296)
• United States
30 Aug 09
I believe in these days and times this does not happen very much. Years ago when these problems would creep up it was because the husband or wife did not come out until after the marriage had taken place. Look at the case that has been in the news about the dad that actually changed his private parts. This is a hard question just to say yes or no to. I know a couple right now in my town that got married.Everyone knows he is g_y. He is open about being g_y and they both wanted children so they took the plunge just for that reason. He is the sweetest person and although they only have relations for pregnancy reasons he treats her like a queen and with respect except the g_y part (I am sure he takes care of his g_y urges sometimes). It is an arrangement that works for them and they have two beautiful children. I bet they have fun shopping though. I know when I worked in Lexington I loved working and shopping with my g_y friends.
• United States
30 Aug 09
Wow, that is actually a nice story. Glad it works for them. Thanks for something on the positive side.
@braided (698)
• Canada
30 Aug 09
oh ... and i'm not a martyer ...
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 09
I hear ya! I'm with you.
@braided (698)
• Canada
30 Aug 09
No .... i wouldnt ... why waste time ..i love myself and i wouldnt do anything that would make me unhappy ... the most important thing is for me to be happy and if i'm unhappy in a relationship ...is sure isnt doing the other person any favours ... is it ?? So No ...
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 09
Direct and to the point, a little like me. I would not want to be in that type of relationship because I would always have to guard against making a mistake or discovering, like you said, that I am not happy. Why lie? Why convince yourself that you are ok when you are just covering up a lie to protect someone else who will never really care about you the way you could about them. But that's just me... thanks a lot for responding.
@jimntam (93)
• United States
29 Aug 09
That would be pretty hard to do, knowing that you wouldn't be able to have all the things that comes with a marriage. But then on the other hand you'd probably have a better friend than most mariages have. It might not be so bad if it were an open marriage so you and he both could still be satisfied. Just not by eachother. It would just be that you'd have to keep it secrete from the rest of the world instead of each other.
1 person likes this
• United States
30 Aug 09
That is a good thought about having a better friend than the marriage part. I think the friendship would be most important. But on the other hand, not having that intimate part might make a partner wander away. And the fact that the relationship would have to be secret, to me, would cause pain possibly. That would be the worst to hurt what could be your best friend. Thank you for your thoughts.
• United States
29 Aug 09
I guess I should give up my " girl" card1 I never dreamt of being a wife or a mother. In fact i refuse to have kids. so if a guy friend neede me to play like his girlfriend so he could stay in the closet , I would . i wouldn't live with him And I would see other guys but when his parents come to town or during holidays I could play his girlfriend.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
You have a different take than most. I admire the devotion to his "cause" but where would that be different than any other friend? If you don't live with him and present yourself as the relationship but rather an "open" friendship. I can see that you would be willing to protect him by playing the part sometimes but then you would see others which would make the "relationship" not really that of girlfriend. Thank you for responding.
1 person likes this
@twoey68 (13651)
• United States
29 Aug 09
Probably not. The only reason I can think of that someone would do something like that is for financial security but even that would wear on someone. I guess if your going to be gay then you need to be upfront about it and live your life the way you want to. [b]~~AT PEACE WITHIN~~ **STAND STRONG IN YOUR BELIEFS**[/b]
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
That's my feeling. Just think of how many athletes and performers are gay but refuse to be honest with supporters and fans. I guess they are afraid people won't go to the games,movies, concerts, etc. That would cost them money. Even everyday people can be afraid of what they would lose. I would have to think really hard about being in a relationship like that even if I were made financially secure because of it. Thank you.
@doryvien (2293)
• United States
29 Aug 09
No, I don't think I can stay in a relationship that doesn't have a future. And definitely I cannot stay just to cover up for someone's true identity. If he is gay and wants to keep it from others that he can go ahead but not at my expense. Of course there are instances when the couple have children and this is what they want to protect. But to me kids these days are more intelligent and more aware of what's happening around them, so I guess they too will appreciate if they're told the truth.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
I want not want to do that either. It's a waste of time unless I had no plans for a life of my own. But why would anyone want to continue a lie. People will pick up the lie eventually. Thank you for your thoughts.
@sweetyethot (1738)
• China
29 Aug 09
If there's no future in a relationship,I will leave though it hurts a lot.I cant understand why people make up cover stories.Its easier to tell the truth.
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
Thanks. That is why I wonder why people do make up stories like that. The lies can only get bigger and bigger and someone will eventually find out and then there will be a lot more trouble. Best to be honest. This way you can sort out the true friends from the others.
• Philippines
29 Aug 09
There are people who stay in the relationship even though they won't last forever simply because they love each other, and some are just wanna spent the time before the other get's to marry some one. they are still arranged marriages out there. some even had relationships even though they're married, simply they just don't have the commitment...
• United States
29 Aug 09
That is true. I always wonder about arranged marriages. I guess the "arrangement" I have mentioned is similar. I would still rather love as a friend and support a choice that lie about a relationship. Thanks for your response.
@mommyboo (13198)
• United States
29 Aug 09
No. I would urge my 'friend' to have some courage and make the right choice for their life. I would still be their friend, but I couldn't be a stand-in, a replacement, for what they really need. That's not only not fair to me, it's not fair to THEM, even if they think it'll do. I expect other people to pony up. If you want to say something, say it. Don't ask someone else to come tell me or ask me to go tell someone else. You do your own dirty work. If you don't love someone, tell them. Don't alienate them in another way so THEY leave YOU. Have some balls lol. We all have only one life. How do you want to spend it? Riding along with someone else, or making your own choices? You don't get another life, so when this one goes, that's the end. Spend as much of it as you can making it count...
1 person likes this
• United States
29 Aug 09
Very well said. You've hit on a big point when you say it is not fair to either one. I guess fear is moves people to do things. Fear of losing friends and family I guess. Thanks for commenting.
• India
28 Aug 09
It depends on hope. Maybe he will come to like me if he stays with me long enough. Or maybe it is that I can't get anyone, he needs someone so, it is a win win situation. It all depends on our condition. Desperate times calls for desperate measures.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Aug 09
Thanks. So true.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Aug 09
I think most people either do it for 1) money or 2) some kind of help with their career, social status etc. Not too many people would do it for a friend unless they were totally uninterested in a romantic relationship with somebody else. I wouldn't do it.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Aug 09
Yeah, me either. Friendship is one thing but I don't know if I would want to give up my entire future in this way. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
@pushkin69 (546)
28 Aug 09
hey there. People enter into relationships for a number of reasons. Some for true love others for companionship. For me personally I would not be with somone in a stable relationship unless I thought it was going to be a great love. I am lucky enough to have found that person and got married last month. I certainly would never marry someone I did not see myself being in a loving relatinship with. For others however it may a suitable arrangement and that stability is something they are after. Each to their own I say!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Aug 09
Thanks. I guess, like you say, it's a personal choice of how you want to use your time. At this part of my life I would tend to think along the lines of a living with someone rather than marriage, but who knows.Living as friends, yes, maybe.Living together to perpetuate a lie, don't think so.