Help Need Advice

United States
September 7, 2009 12:13pm CST
I have a son that is about to make the biggest mistake of his life, he is going to marry a gal that is almost obsessive to being manic. If I send him a text, or phone him she pretends she is him texting and intercepts the messages, she writes things on her facebook and his facebook about them that is not true. She quit her job just so she could keep track of him I believe, they have no money, no future, and last night I tried to tell him she needs a job, she of course answered the text telling me to mind my own business. I am torn into pieces by this, until this gal came along we were a very close family. Everyone in the family has a bad feeling about her. Its not good. Any advice is welcome
12 responses
@suegt31 (166)
• Australia
9 Sep 09
Sorry, you probably don't want to hear this, but you need to leave them alone. If you don't you will loose your son altogether. Take it from me, my son is 26 and has been in a relationship with a girl for 10 years and had 2 kids. Which now after almost 3 years finds out that one may not be his. This is breaking his heart. I tried to keep them appart, but it doesn't matter what you think or want he will do as he chooses. You need to support him, be there for him, even if you think he is making a mistake. You can tell him you feel she isn't right for him, but you need to support his descion to be with her. Yeah, in the end you have to pickup the pieces as i am now, but remember that there comes a time in life when they have to make there own mistakes. Believe me, when i say i know how hard it is to sit back and watch them make mistakes, but other wise you will risk loosing him. I don't think this is what you really want and is so much harder than not being there for him.
@Orea15 (281)
• United States
8 Sep 09
One of the toughest thing about parenthood is letting go, keeping your mouth shut, and letting your kids make their own choices...and their own mistakes. I agree with those who suggest you step back and pray a lot. Your opposition at this time will only drive them closer and him away from you. And you don't want that. And remember...when the time comes that he realizes his error, bite your tongue and never tell him "I told you so!" And it might be a good idea to mention (if you can do this in a casual manner) that studies show it is best to wait several years into a marriage to add children to the mix. Better to get your own relationship steady and solid before adding stress (and innocent lives). I'll be praying for everyone concerned.
@syankee525 (6295)
• United States
8 Sep 09
well hate to say this, more you keep pushing him and trying to see what she is doing wrong, the more you are pushing him away. best thing to do is step back and let him live and learn. if he's happy then be happy for him. i agree she need a job, and i wouldnt put up with that. but see females can be just as bad as some guys. just step back and he will get tired of her bs sooner or later. i went through the samething with one of my daughter's ex b/f and it just push us more apart. but she eneded up breaking up with him thanks god
• China
8 Sep 09
Well,I truely understand your felling as one of the parents,we all want everything to be good and great for our boys and girls,but sometimes,they won't listen to us,and they think are too old and big enough to have their own choice and have their way of life,so it is really hard.So if I were you,I will tell your son all that is bad if he gonna marry the girl,and to be very serious,if he can listen in,then it is fine,if he doesn't,then let him be,if at last he can get well with the girl and makes each other change,then we all cheer for him.If at last the result is bad,then you son may probably remember what you have told to him and regret on that,then a least,you teach him a lesson,and I think he won't do stupid things again in the future.
@jonasbsl (42)
• Philippines
8 Sep 09
As a parent, I feel your anger, frustration and concern. Of course we all want what's best for our children but sometimes things doesn't happen the way we want it to be. If you really love your son, don't give up on him but do remember to accept what ever his decision will be in the end. Experience is the best teacher and we all learn from our mistakes. I'm sure he will too. Just talk to him but let him decide. Good luck!
@Fortunata (1136)
• United States
8 Sep 09
Mmmm, this sounds familiar. My brother married someone like this, and my parents unfortuntely were very vocal about my brother not marrying her. Well, this only forced him to get pissed off and be very determined to marry her. My Mother always said people have to make their own mistakes, and since your son is an adult, there's not too much you can do. My family has to walk around eggshells with my sister in law, and once, she wouldn't talk to me for a whole year, over a stupid petty argument. I feel your pain, believe me.
@l33tgirl (289)
• New Zealand
8 Sep 09
Eventually that sort of controlling behaviour will drive your son away - hopefully before they are married or have children. I have a friend who displayed these manic traits and it got worse and eventually her partner met a girl who was less compulsive and broke it off realising it wasn't normal - or going to change. Unless she gets help, my friend was eventually diagnosed with OCD, not all the counting and stuff you hear about on tv, but having obsessive thoughts about her boyfriend cheating and acting it out in crazy ways.
@Realsmack (155)
• United States
8 Sep 09
As a mother I know you are just broken about this situation because of course you want the best for your son. Every "good" mother does but the harsh reality of the situation is that we as parents have to allow our kids to make their own mistakes. There isn't much you can do until he actually wants to help hisself. He has to actually want to step back and take look at his situation, evaluate and make decision. If I could live life for my kids, I swear I would but unfortunately that isn't something we can do. There is a reason why he is still there with her and I am going to assume that he loves her. Everything that is done in the dark comes to light. So all the things she happens to be doing behind his back, whether you tell him or not, he will find out. Hopefully he decides to better for his self. Until then, there isn't much you can do. But I will say continue to try, never stop trying.
@jellymonty (2358)
7 Sep 09
Sounds like a page in my family. My brother too had the worst girlfriend in the world and yep they all get blinded by love. Well we all went through the same thing of trying to convince him to dump her a$$$ but he didn't listen. Well fast forward three years down the line he's now lost both his son, her and his house after she took every penny from him... There is nothing u can do.. just pray that your son will come to his senses...
• United States
7 Sep 09
I had a girlfriend a couple years back who was just like that and I was blinded by love, so to speak. my family would always tell me that I needed to find another girl beacause she was no good and she was just using me to get what she wanted. For over 2 years, I refused to see the truth because I didn't want to be alone. It finally came to an end when I became interested in another girl at work, and I know that sounds bad, but it helped me to realize how bad this girl was for me and how much she had torn my family apart. Needless to say, I broke up with her that day, because she was already starting to wear my patience thin. I'm sure I don't know the entire story with your boy, but I hope my story helps you reconcile this travesty.
@zandi458 (27952)
• Malaysia
7 Sep 09
A mistake is not an obituary. But it is better to avoid this lady who seems to have weird behavior. Marrying this gal may create problems in future. If she doesn't sound right to you and the rest of the family you should tell your son not to rush into marriage with her. He might be blinded by her angelic action when in front of him but treat others like dirt.
@rg0205 (2638)
• Hong Kong
7 Sep 09
I am sorry to hear about your situation. It must be very hard witnessing this. Unfortunately, in love, there isn't much a parent can do to stop the decisions their children make. Since he is considering marrying this girl, I am assuming that he is a grown man who is old enough to make decisions on his own. I would recommend that you have a heart to heart with him about your concerns but then, please try to understand that he is his own person and he should be held accountable for his actions. Not you. He chooses who he marries and not anyone else. Speak to him in private. Interventions may come off as confrontational so that's no good. Maybe you can tell him that he should give it a little more time and thought and not to rush into things as well. I hope everything works out. She doesn't sound like a good and responsible person by the way you describe her.