Why Do People Continue To Get Into Abusive Relationships?

@pyewacket (43962)
United States
September 10, 2009 8:54pm CST
This is probably a heavy deep psychological question to ask, but just WHY do people, especially women get themselves involved with one abusive relationship after another? This is sort of a tie-in with another discussion I started about a missing MyLotter, who has been missing for over a month now and many of us are getting freaking concerned. This particular person was forever getting involved with bad relationships with men, and wonder why? Weren't there any warning signals...so this leads to the general question of getting involved with abusive relationships. I've read and heard that there is a "pattern"---abusive men seem to pick up on desperate women looking for attention, love and affection. At first, these men may be wonderfully charming, giving the woman a sense of belonging, telling her what she "wants" to hear. This could go on for awhile, until the relationship is more or less "solid" and the woman is completely ensnared in the trap. Then he shows his true colors and the abuse begins whether physically or mentally or both. The woman, still in "love" might try and change his behavior, but of course, that can't be done, as one cannot change another person. The sad pathetic thing is, is that say the woman then decides to leave the abusive partner....but what happens? It is estimated that when a relationship goes sour that when the person is attracted to another "love" they are often exactly the same as the previous person they were escaping from. I want to give you an example in my own life, and I thank my lucky stars I've never been "desperate" for a man and think I have a brain to know one can never change another person. This happened many years ago...in my neighborhood was a real "hunk" of a guy...I mean gorgeous with a capital "G"...he was a full blood Navajo Native American Indian and could have been an actor. At the time he was "spoken" for, that is was involved with a woman. He, the woman and I had an older mutual friend, named Frieda who lived down the block from me and I had known for ages. Then the relationship between the "hunk" and his girlfriend ended. Frieda tried to get me involved with this guy (William) in more ways than one, but mainly to try and change his ways. She figured that since I was part Native American, I would understand him better. Then she started telling me about him in depth--he was an alcoholic, and turned into a nasty abusive drunk and abused the women in his life. It seems he had had a real deep love in his life, who when the relationship got too "heavy" for her, SHE dumped him...now he would do the same...as soon as a new relationship became deep and heavy, he would start his abusive behavior and beat up on the women and then dump them. So did I want to get involved with someone like this? Are you NUTS? Hell no! The point of my story though is that all too many times women think they can change their partner's destructive and abusive behavior...this is a daydream--YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON UNLESS THEY WANT TO CHANGE. I know this as both my own grandmother and mother were alcoholics and verbally abusive to me, demeaning me and made me feel like I wasn't worthy to be alive. Okay so what are YOUR theories about why all too many women get involved with one abusive relationship after another...aren't they aware of warning signals or are they too blinded by "love" or to desperate to find love. Have any of you been in an abusive relationship? How did you handle it?
5 people like this
22 responses
@MsTickle (24976)
• Australia
16 Sep 09
It's not the other person who has to change or be changed...it's you. I'm always attracted to people who are wrong for me. My first husband was physically and mentally abusive, sio were my parents so i was sort of conditioned. I left him and became involved with another fellow who was lovely but he left me. Next was a younger guy who was pretty much totally irresponsible. Ditto the next guy and the next guy was a drunk, lovely guy but his first love was the bottle. All these guys said they loved me but I was the only one giving to the relationship. I always put my man first and me last (this is what I have seen OT do). The thing is, if you don't love and respect yourself first, no-one else will either...sad but true. My first husband played the field for a while then re-married and has been happily married for over 20 years....she is the strong one in the relationship. (his mother wore the pants in their family too). If I were to meet someone now it would probably still not work because I still have low self esteem left over from childhood and my relationships. I have no idea how to fix that. The good thing is I'm no longer attracting the wrong sort of guys....the bad thing is I'm not attracting anyone....lol. Next time around, if there is one, I will want to know I'm cherished for who I am before I get into anything serious.
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
21 Sep 09
So I'm gathering that you had a rocky childhood with possible abuse? doesn't have to be physical abuse as verbal and emotional abuse can be just as destructive to one self-esteem..do I ever know that from my own childhood as I was made to feel so insignificant. well here's hoping that maybe one day you really DO find the right person in your life...oh, and if you do and he has a brother, send him to me...LOL
1 person likes this
@MsTickle (24976)
• Australia
21 Sep 09
....with the proviso that there will be a reciprocal arrangement with yourself....of course!
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
11 Sep 09
GOt rid of him! and found my soulmate! I dont know why so many get right back into the same people to love mystery to me!
2 people like this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Maybe it's just an unconscious/subconscious thing and people don't realize they are getting involved again with someone who is abusive????
@Lakota12 (42794)
• United States
14 Sep 09
very well could be!
1 person likes this
• United States
11 Sep 09
My personal opinion is that the root is low self-esteem and confidence. I consider myself an intelligent person, but I found myself getting into metally and emotionally abusive relationships time after time. I kept thinking he was going to change, that it was my fault, that I deserved it. Thankfully I finally realized this, but so many women don't. I finally found a guy that RESPECTS me and loves me for who I am, not because I allow him to control me.
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I'm glad to hear you began to recognize that you were in one abusive relationship after another and survived, and now have someone genuine in your life to love you
@zed_k4 (17634)
• Singapore
11 Sep 09
I think fear is one and the next thing is love. Although in a general concept, we do know that when a guy loves a lady, they don't beat them up to a pulp, and repeatedly as well. When I say fear, the so called victims have perhaps been threatened to be beaten up or worst, to be killed should they dare to break away. And out of this fear, the said victim don't wanna leave and furthermore, having a mentality that she always do things to make her man angry and having the belief that he loves her deep down and that he will get past over his anger. When they say love changes someone, it really does. For better or worst..
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I don't think that's necessarily true...a man might "love" his woman and still beat her up...look at the Chris Brown and Rhianna incident--I bet he "loved" her. Yes I do agree with that fear factor you raise though
@zed_k4 (17634)
• Singapore
16 Sep 09
Strange kinda love it is. Initially most of abusers start out with love, and then branch out to different things and still call it love.. You know the stint with him and Oprah.. he thought it was a slap to his face. What you think..
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
17 Sep 09
I happen to be a fan of Oprah and I don't remember her saying anything about Chris Brown in a negative sense, but if she did he deserved it...Oprah herself had been abused as a young girl, so she's all too familiar with any kind of abusive relationships. I can't help wonder how Brown is going to treat his next girlfriend...if I were a woman I'd be REAL hesitant in falling for him
@celticeagle (114391)
• Boise, Idaho
12 Sep 09
Co-dependency, Low self-esteem, Family history, and I don't think love has much to do with it at all. If you get the full gist of co-dependent living then you got it. Yes, there is a pattern. Men pick up on a certain type of woman just as this type of woman seems to gravatate to this same of type of man. If you take a woman who has lived in a desperate world of depression, low self-esteem and very little positive input and you give to her what seems to be the perfect man. Sweet, attentive and kind. What more could she want, right? Somewhere along the line or life or whatever something has to break the chain of events and make the woman see what is happening and help her to change. In this change she has to make better choices and begin to believe she is a good person worthy of love and respect. She must set up boundaries and be wholesome in her belief about herself. This isn't easy. It takes time and effort. You handle it by taking these truths day by day. One step at a time. A good book is:The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie and Co-dependency No More and Beyond Co-dependency by the same author.
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Well I suffered from very low self-esteem for many years and was made to feel unworthy by a lot of the crap my own mother bottled fed me through my years of growing up, yet still I was never desperate enough to fall for any guy that came along just cause he gave me attention and was charming...as in that example of that guy I was talking about...once I heard of his past real red flags went up to stay away from him--maybe despite my lousy verbally abusive upbringing I had, maybe I was just stronger not to fall for more of the same pattern???
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (114391)
• Boise, Idaho
24 Sep 09
That is so great that you were able to see it and the pain it surely must have caused to walk away. My problem I am too much of a romantic.
@mariposaman (2968)
• Canada
11 Sep 09
I am glad you recognized the abusive patterns in your lives and do not want to repeat it. My theory is there are two schools of thought. The first is that it is familiar and we actually become comfortable with the familiar, something like a horse when it tries to run back into a burning barn. The second is it is learned behavior something like when a child is abused it is more likely to grow up and abused their own children simply because they do not know any better. I frequently shake my head when I see particularly women go from one bad relationship to another bad relationship particularly when there is abuse involved. I agree with you they seem to have radar and they pick each other out to the crowd. What kind of need do they fill with each other I have not yet been able to figure out but they must be getting something out of it, no matter how sick and perverted it is. it sounds like you have yourself an unhealthy place in spite of your upbringing and I wish you all of the best.
• Canada
14 Sep 09
I re-read my post and got my wires crossed. I meant to say either you got yourself in a healthy place or got yourself out of an unhealthy place, not what I said. Obviously my tone was supportive. I wish there was an edit button sometimes.
1 person likes this
@thea09 (18329)
• Greece
11 Sep 09
Hi Pyewacket, I've never been into anything like that (zero level bullsh*it spotter in built in to me) but I see it with friends and it's pretty easy to see why they are or have been into those kind of relationships. They have very low self esteem and expect no less than to be treated badly and thus are. Then when they move onto the next one they expect more of the same as they are so used to being controlled and told they are worthless. I have a very good friend on her third marriage and although there is neither physical or verbal abuse in this one she still carries her low self esteem into it and makes herself subservient and that is how she believes women need to act in a relationship. I tell her it is not necessary to marry everyone you have a relationship with, but some do it as a sign they can hold onto someone and change them. Of course the subservience is built in by now and will probably always be there and the other person may well take advantage of it as it is offered so freely and thus lose respect for the other person as if they are offering themselves up as a doormat then it must be inevitable at some point that feet are going to be wiped on them, then when they are the person has then got what they once again expected is the only thing they are worthy of. Apologies as a huge generalisation but not for the ones who keep falling into the same trap again and again, the trap becomes of their own making. To have a normal relationship one needs to respect oneself first and only ever expect to be treated with respect.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I always remember one concept and thought....one can't hope to find real love and respect if one doesn't love and respect themself first...that is so true and could go with the ideas you bring about with the low self-esteem issue--of course some of it may be in a sense hereditary. Did your friend come FROM an abusive background?? If so, the reason she keeps falling in "love" with men who are abusive may be due to her being abusive by family members, whether physically or emotionally
@thea09 (18329)
• Greece
14 Sep 09
I get the impression of a rather strict background as it was one of those religious type ones but can't remember the word for it now in English, the ones who don't believe in accepting blood. But not abusive - I gather marriage was really her way of escape.
• United States
11 Sep 09
I personally have never been in a serious abusive relationship. I have, however, been working in social services for several years. I have worked with many abused women over the past couple of years and have heard some horror stories. I find that women in these relationships often echo the same words. When it is good, it is really good. They often feel like if they could just get him to have more of the good days, things would be perfect. I also have heard a few women say that they feel sorry for them because they have had so much pain in their past, they don't want to add more to them. More often than not, what I see as a common theme with those women is that they keep choosing the same path and they have a very low sense of self pride. If they are coming out of a bad relationship, they are broken and beaten. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to hold my head up high, and say "I'm worth it!". Many times, these women had a pretty tortured past. They grew up in terrible situations with family members of all kinds. It almost feels natural to them. Sad, yes, but true. I know this is not true for all abused women. There are always exceptions, but these are the patterns I have seen. I sincerely hope your friend is okay! She will be in my thoughts!By the way, great topic!
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
11 Sep 09
Yes I think it goes either way. Many times I think many of these abused women came from abusive backgrounds to begin with, also usually most abusers themselves came from abusive backgrounds..a very vicious circle, right?
• United States
11 Sep 09
Yes, very vicious circle for sure. It is amazing when a person can change there family tree and break the cycle. I have worked in this field long enough yet, but I have heard from other veterans, that you will see different generations of the same families if you work here long enough. Sad reality if you ask me!
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60053)
• United States
11 Sep 09
Okay, this is a tough discussion, Pye... No, I've never been in an abusive relationship, but the former roommate was sometimes demanding Where before she was a friend, after she became disabled she honestly became a bit odd. Since I asked her to move out she's gone back to more like she was before, but for a time there I didn't see as much of her as she wanted just because I didn't need the "drama." Having said that, I do know what you mean, and I certainly have seen these women that do go from one bad relationship to another and DESPITE people (not just cynical me) telling them they should just hold off on getting into another relationship, they are "just so lonely" and they end up with some sweet talking abuser again. The guys control them by promising "they'll never do it again" but of course they will and the woman BELIEVES the lies, the first few dozen times...
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
11 Sep 09
Yes I think that's a problem too, when the abuser promises NEVER to abuse again, and of course it's all lip service--I wonder if its kind of an enabling thing...the abuser needs to abuse and the abused needs to be abused somehow to feel wanted in some weird way
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60053)
• United States
11 Sep 09
I once asked a woman why she continued to put up with it. She said "I love him" but he hits you: I said "He's always sorry afterward" she replied... dumb I once worked with a gal who worked with abused women. She said "Any woman can be abused, by the time he hits them, they've been run down so badly they believe they deserve it." I said: "I couldn't be abused." "Oh, any woman could be abused," she insisted. "Not me, I'd rip his eyes out and let him find the phone to call EMS." and then I added "And I might unplug the phone on the way out..." She finally conceded that maybe I couldn't be abused... Of course, I've also managed to avoid any kind of relationships with men so ...
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I can't speak for everybody but just for myself. I was the unwanted child and therefore was pushed back onto the back burner and never had time for so I sought out attention from other sources. Then I was teased and ridiculed all through school about my hearing or the lack thereof. I was so behind in everything and for me to ask about any one thing would mean I'd get laughed at. I was raped when I was 13 years old by three neighborhood guys which REALLY destroyed my self esteem in a huge way that I thought I deserved it because nobody seemed to want to be around me. I went on a rampage self destruction for many years after that happened to the point that my mother disowned me. When I was 18, I dated a guy and eventually moved in with him, that beat me all the time. The last time he beat me, he tried to kill me. He broke my foot. I knew then, I had to get out if I wanted to live so I did. The abuse continued like that with other guys that I dated or lived with until I finally got the help I so desperately needed. My counselor helped me to realize that what happened to me wasn't my fault and that my life had some meaning. From then on, I said NO MORE because I deserve better! I'm not jealous anymore or worry about my other half cheating because I feel this way, if he's going to cheat, he's going to regardless if I keep an eye on him or not. Not only that, I don't want to be with a guy who doesn't want to be with me. Sure, it'll hurt if we broke up but the same rule still applies. I'm never going to fight for a man EVER again to stay with me. It has to be HIS free will or it's a no go. I deserved better than that and I found that in my husband of 18 years and counting and wouldn't trade him for anybody or anything in this world!
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
21 Sep 09
All I can say is wow CatsandDogs. I was made to feel unwanted too by my own mother. For years, and years she told me this crap that when I was born my father was so disappointed that I wasn't a son...then when I told this to someone they said, did it ever dawn on you that maybe it was your mother who was disappointed? My mother said so much crap to me over the years that it was no wonder I had my own lack of self-esteem. I was forever trying to gain my mother's approval when many, many years later it finally dawned on me. I don't need the approval of anyone save one person...ME. Yes CatsandDogs, I'm glad you came to the conclusion you deserve better in your life so a big hugs and kudos to you!!
1 person likes this
@LittleMel (14059)
• Canada
14 Sep 09
One thing that people keep forgetting to do is the importance of loving ourselves. we are raised to believe that if we do not do what the elders, seniors, leaders, parents, older siblings whoever tell us to do, then we don't deserve love. this is BIG mistake. from the day we were born we are precious, as precious as everyone else, older younger richer poorer etc - every one of them. from the day we were born, we are unique, we carry a light inside us that deserves to shine. in fact, we were born with a purpose, or else what's the point? there are already enough people on earth anyway. if we all love ourselves and accept the way we are, we are not going to fall for lies and cheats. because we wouldn't allow ourselves to be enslaved by anybody. we would want what is fair, because we know we deserve it. but because we are taught that love is sacrifice (it's true to some degree, but it's not like sacrificing animals at the altar or something) so many of us choose not to love ourselves, but instead leave it to others to love us first. so liars and cheats find their ways in. make women think they love them and then wrap them in their sneaky little fingers. many women actually stay in abusive relationship long enough until they have kids, and then they said they can't leave the kids' father. so now the kids are also targets of abuse, thanks to the mother who don't get out of it soon. hence the cycle of abuse keeps going on and on, when the child becomes a parent, those that can't recover from trauma will do unto their child the same thing. You know what they will say in the end 'I thought he loves me' 'I can't live without him, we have a child together' 'my son needs father figure so we can't leave him''I don't want to be alone anymore' the same tape keeps repeating over and over again. because when people forget to love themselves, they forget to fight for what is right and what is important, they give in and in need of others to love them. in nature, animals will fight anything and anyone to save their children. why can't we? do animals have shelters to go to? we do. do animals have transportation? no, they walk and run. they might not make it across the river, but yet they try. they might not make it being injured but they keep fighting. if animals can do it, then why can't humans? I believe love exists and I believe I deserve it. when I give love and I don't get loved back, I leave. Now I have found love. very simple. why people make it complicated, it's beyond me. It's not like I had an easy life, far from it. I am an average girl, not homecoming queen, average student, sucks at sports, bullies loved me, never wins lottery more than $ 200 once, not a heiress of anything, no superpower (maybe I had it when I landed here but it was kind of a sudden so I forgot some things) I am never popular with men in my homeland, people are actually surprised I got married at all. well if they are too busy commenting about my life of course they forget there is such a thing as Internet chat LOL
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
21 Sep 09
One of my favorite sayings is from James Arthur Ray (of The Secret fame)--he said how can you expect anyone else to love you if you don't first love yourself...how true right? And goes along with what you're saying here. Don't you also think though, that many people who are unconsciously attracted to abusive relationships is from having grown up in an abusive family background? It's like they just don't know any better, and that's why a vicious cycle at times
• United States
12 Sep 09
I kind of feel that a lot of women get into relationships with these abusive men because they're the only man that really shows them any attention. Then, whenever they get comfortable, the men get rather abusive in whatever form their abuse takes and the women feel like they deserve to be treated that way for whatever reason (probably from abuse from a father or someone else telling them they are no good, etc) and they stay because they've been taught and told that they don't deserve to be loved or treated well. I think it really takes a lot of therapy to get someone out of that mindset and into healthy relationships.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Don't you think a lot could be related to low self-esteem in the woman to begin with and not caring or accepting or feeling worthy themselves--or it could be some women are just plain desperate for any man in their lives, even if it's an abusive one
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Hey pye! What a great discussion and unfortunately all to necessary! I have had my share of abusive relationships in my life and not very proud of it either. And I can't even lie and say I didn't realize, or didn't know or didn't "see" the signs! In the ones that I had when I was younger I probably didn't, but then the last one I had I should have definitely known better because I had already dated this person when I was younger and met up with him a few years ago and actually gave him a second chance! And NO he hadn't changed one bit! He was still the same miserable abusive baastard he was 25 years ago! Only this time I wasn't going to put up with him and his crap! As soon as I saw the signs he was gone! I wasn't the same person I was way back then! You are right that for some women it is all about being needy and that's where the trouble begins! I gave up along time ago needing a man to complete me! I worked, had my own apartment, went our with the girls, did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it! And I was honestly happy with myself! Unfortunately alot of women are not and feel they aren't complete without a man in their life! But, the problem is you have to be happy with yourself before you can be with anyone! Most men don't really want needy women! Only the abusive ones do! I have told this to quite a few of my girlfriends who felt they had to have a man in their lives and who ended up miserable each time because they were never really happy with themselves first! If you are desperate it shows and you will never be happy!
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
17 Sep 09
I'm so sorry to hear you've had rotten relationships...from reading the responses here a lot of people have. I'm glad later in life though you were able to recognize the "signs" and get out of that relationship. It really is a shame that too many women think they can only be "happy" or fulfilled with a man in their life and seem to attract the abusers over and over again
@AmbiePam (45847)
• United States
11 Sep 09
I wonder the same thing. And then I feel bad because I'm thinking about what poor choices they made. But isn't there something to the saying of fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me? The abuse is never the woman's fault. Very true. But if one doesn't extricate themselves from it, what then? When is it that sympathy and concern changes to concern and exasperation? But you know, getting out of one abusive relationship should be enough to last a lifetime. One sign from a guy, and a woman should get out! I don't understand how a woman can continually get in this pattern. Hey, I want romantic love. I don't like being alone. But you can bet anything that my self-respect would never allow me to get near a person like that. I don't know why women can't seem to shake the pattern. Despite being alone and having experienced horrible emotional pain, I have never been to the point that I would settle with a guy who treated me like crap.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
16 Sep 09
What a great answer AmbiePam...yeah, I wouldn't MIND a "love" in my life but I've never been that desperate just for the sake of having "company". Another thought came to me too. This MAY have been more true in times past, but I often think some women hook up with men just to get out of the house, that is their parental house...my own mother did that and wound up divorcing after only three years of marriage--my father wasn't abusive or anything like that, but maybe some women hook up with abusive men just to get away from their homelife...
1 person likes this
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
11 Sep 09
I don't believe that anybody looks for an abusive relationship. I think sometimes we think we can change someone, but we are the ones to get hurt in the end. I think we all are just out there looking for someone to love and be loved by. Relationships can be a painful process. Sometimes we make the wrong choices for the right reasons.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Some people though I think are just a little too desperate to find a love in their lives and rather be alone start a relationship that might turn out to be abusive
• India
11 Sep 09
i guess it has to do more about fear of loneliness rather than anything else once it becomes clear that you are trapped in an abusive relationship.when i had this guy in my life he made me believe that he was the best thing to happen to me.he could read each and every move of mine and was there for me whenever i would need him.gradually i fell in love with him .the day i told him that i loved him he changed and my life changed. he would neglect me, avoid me,even started verbally abusing me and threatening to dump me.i was so hurt that i was in depression all these while but i was so scared to leave him for i felt the world will end for me if he isn't there. he would be so abusive if i ever called him up yet i had done many a times thinking he will realise that he is wrong and will come back to me.but this never happened and finally i walked out of the relationship.its been traumatic but i think i have reached a stage where i can talk about him without crying anymore.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
Well you should feel proud of yourself then that you had the guts to finally leave him...I hope your life is so much better now
@asweetie (1188)
• India
11 Sep 09
Hi there can be many reasons for a girl to be in a abusive marriage 1) children 2) lack of self confidence 3) economic dependence 4) no social support 5) in some country dads family name may be tarnished 6) in some cultures divorced girls have to be more embrassed if divorced then in abusive marriage 7) she loves him despite he being such a bast**d there can still be other reasons for girls to be in a abusive marrige.. why would any guy be in a abusive marriage i dont know.. may be some guy can answer it.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I guess some of the reasons men stay in abusive relationships may be nearly identical...low self-esteem, children, and who knows, maybe financial situations...many women now, at least in our country are the "breadwinners" and stay at home dads while the wife works.
• Philippines
11 Sep 09
i agree that this is an issue of self-esteem. people who are abused don't think that they'd meet someone better and be in a relationship that does not include physical or verbal abuse. they believe that the only person who can love them or care for them is that person who constantly hits them. it's like they'd already associated hitting/yelling with loving/caring. they find it difficult to detach themselves from their abusive partners. even in non-abusive relationships, there are men or women who just can't let go of their partners. moving on is a very difficult thing to do.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
14 Sep 09
I think a lot could be from coming from an abusive family background to begin with, don't you? And yes, moving on can be difficult especially if the woman who may have been relying on the husband/BF for financial support
@lynnemg (4540)
• United States
11 Sep 09
Having been in abusive relationships, I can hinestly say that I stayed as ling as I did because I felt like that was just what life was suppoesed to be like, and if it wasn't than I must have deserved it because it always happened. For me, it became a sad way of life. For me, the pattern began when I was pretty young. One particular person was both physically and verbally abusive. I was every name in the book and if I spoke my mind or refused to do something, it would often turn physical. Keep in mind that I was also the main income provider here, and the only thing that kept me there was myself really. There were many times when he would tell me to leave and I would begin leaving only for him to actually cry and beg me to stay. I fell for it time and time again. My final straw and the turning point in my life was when I felt that he had put my son in danger by leaving him unattended to follow me and fight with me. I left that day and things in my life began to change. Then, I ended up in a relationship where there was no physical or verbal abuse, but there was plenty of emotional abuse going on because he was never there, he was accussatory when it was him doing wrong, he cheated, he lied, he spent most of our marriage in jail or prison. Very emotionally draining, but I felt that he really was going to change this time, things would really get better. Boy was I wrong. After that relationship, I took a look at my life and actually had a long talk with my Dad about it. From that point on, I made the decision that I will not be mistreated anymore, I would not stay with any man whoi would treat me or my kids badly. It really is hard for any person to admit that the person they love doesn't really love them, especially when that person continually tells you that they do love you. I had to learn for myself, no one could do anything to help me until I did. I was told time and time again that I needed, for my own safety and sanity to get away from them, but I didn't listen. I wanted to believe that the person really did loveme and was only having a bad day, I convinced myself that things were my fault and I was somehow a bad person. I had no self-respect, self-confidence or self-esteem at that time in my life. Although things are a lot better now and my husband would never do anything to intentionally hurt me or my kids in any way, I still have those memories and as a result, I am changed.
1 person likes this
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
12 Sep 09
I really want to congratulate you that you eventually had the courage to walk away from the abusive relationships you had, and it must make you feel empowered now and no doubt you feel a better sense of self-worth of yourself--glad to hear you changed your life around.
11 Sep 09
Hi pye, You had a lucky escape,but you had a sense not to get involve with that guy, gorgous or not, I have a friend who was in a similair susitution, all her live she had been abused, first by her step father, then her husband, after that ther was anothe, now she is single and doing good but I think in the end the become victims and they think that is what they are and always goes for the same type of men, mind you there are some men who are not physically abusive but verbally or just use the women for his own needs and leave them dangling, waiting for the man to call them, I think these men should be strung up, but still don't understand why women goes for this typeof men, if my husband ever do anything to me, he'll beout on his ears, I have been married for nearly 30 years and he has never laid his hands on me and never will. Bright Blessings. Tamara
@pyewacket (43962)
• United States
12 Sep 09
Yes I'm glad I had the smarts not to get involved with that guy...talk about not judging a book by its cover no matter how gorgeous it is. As for why women do put up with this type of behavior...maybe just plain fear, since many wouldn't know where to go and it could be a financial security issue even though the "security" is abusive