That tiny two-letter word, "no..."

United States
September 15, 2009 3:24pm CST
Many people have a tendency to take on too much, over-book themselves, or they have trouble saying "no"....to a friend or family member's request, to the boss who constantly asks them to work late, etc. This can lead to a great deal of exhaustion and bitterness, eventually. Do you have trouble saying "no?" Do you know why, and have you tried to remedy over-loading yourself by using that simple two-letter word, "No?" Thank you in advance for your responses. Karen
6 people like this
25 responses
@malamar (779)
• Canada
16 Sep 09
Nope, have never had a problem saying NO ever since I came to the realizaiton that, hey, you know what....I am important too! You are so right, time is short, obligations are long, and there are never enough hours in a day or days in a week. I think with age comes the wisdom that we can only do what we can do. Unless it is something that I really want to do and can deveote myself fully to, I no longer have a problem with saying NO. We tend to do it to our children too. Poor little things are over-extended with school, sports, extra activities and the like. I wonder if we have taken the fun out of being kids? There will always be times we just can't say no, you know, like to your mom or grandma, or loved ones; but other than that you are, and always should be able to consider yourself also.
3 people like this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hi Malamar. I truly do think we get more "okay" with recognizing and respecting our own importance and limitations as to time and energy as we get older. The world has become way way "over busy" and I sometimes wonder why? So many say: I have no choice. But we DO have choices. And I agree, even children are expected to be on the go and into something each hour of the day. Like you, I will always have trouble saying no to loved ones, because I can see that they sincerely have a need and I love 'em! Thank you for your wise response! Karen
@Hatley (163781)
• Garden Grove, California
16 Sep 09
hi karen I have always had that problem as I didnt like to turn'down anyone or hurt someones feelings so ended up over tired and grumpy and my hubby would say why cant you just no I cannot do that. just that one little word. My branch manager,when I was still working,was great for putting one in a spot where if you said no it would look like you were not a good employee. I just hated that, and also she was bi polAr and wouldnt go to the doctor and take meds to control it,so you never knew if she was going to be growling like a bear at all of us or as sweet as a little lamb.so she got yes out of most of us.I was so glad to retire from her. whew.
2 people like this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Hatley. That was me, and sometimes still is! I'd take on way to much to spare hurt or resentment on the part of others, only to end up feeling that way myself. Ugh...people with bi-polar disorder are very difficult to please, no matter how hard you might try. And it's awful that so many of them see not to take their meds regularly. I am glad you are away from that! Have a wonderful day :) Karen
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
16 Sep 09
Hi Karen! It all depends upon the situation. If I am in my office and my boss asks me to perform or complete a job, I would find it difficult to say ‘No’. I would not like to displease my boss. However, if the job is such which is beyond me, I would politely decline stating that Sir, I am unable to perform it and I would explain the reasons to him. However, if I am among my friends and it is difficult for me to comply with any of their requests, I would plainly say ‘No’, they may feel displeased in the beginning; however, gradually they will realize my position. If I am at home and my better half asks for performing anything, it will be much easier for me to say ‘No’, in comparison to the above two situations…………LOL! Deepak
1 person likes this
@dpk262006 (58673)
• Delhi, India
17 Sep 09
Yes, you are right to some of the persons we cannot say no but we can politely explain our position to him/her, if we are unable to do anything for him/her. You are correct that we cannot say yes to everyone, due to so many constraints, we will have to displease someone, when it is beyond us. Deepak
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello my friend. To some, we cannot say no, as to a boss many times. But a polite explanation sometimes warrants the no, even then. When I have to say no to anyone, I try to do that kindly. I would love to help each time I am asked, well barring something illegal or immoral, but one person cannot always do so. There isn't always enough time or energy in the day...and other more important people and tasks might suffer if one always said yes to each favor asked. Thank you for sharing your viewpoint :) Karen
• United States
18 Sep 09
@yugasini (12836)
• Anantapur, India
16 Sep 09
hi karen madam, i could not understand your discussion,could you explain more or i think that it is excess work at office,is it correct,if it is compulsory we have to do,if the boss unnecessarily giving trouble at late hours,we have to say sorry,have a nice day
1 person likes this
@yugasini (12836)
• Anantapur, India
17 Sep 09
hi karen madam, thats right some people just like you are cannot deny any request from any body,see that i have asked you some favor several times and i have also entrusted some work for me,you are accepted to do that is your kindness to the people,i think in my lot more mylot friends are very kind,one or two friends ask some reciprocation also and one or two friends will leave us in middle of the boat,have a nice day
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 09
It is good to help one another whenever we can, yes?
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hi Yugasini. Some of us take on too much work and do too many favors for others (friends and family and maybe charities) because we have trouble turning them down. We always say yes to everything asked of us and get too busy and too tired because we hate to say no when someone asks us to do something for them. Yes, we can't say no to the boss, but how about other people? I hope this makes the discussion a bit more clear. Blessings to you, Karen
1 person likes this
• United States
15 Sep 09
Hi Karen...I am finally back in business. I had to get a new computer. I use to have trouble saying no to anyone without having a guilty feeling for saying no even though I had nothing to feel guilty about. I don't have that problem anymore and I haven't for a long time. I don't ask anyone for help with anything that way I don't feel I owe them anything. Some people prey on those who are weak and can make them feel guilty for not doing what is asked of them and I grew up with this and now that I don't feel guilty anymore about saying no...I am a much happier person. flutterby
• United States
16 Sep 09
Welcome back, my friend! I have missed you :) I am glad you've conquered the guilt over saying no! Like you, I try to be as independent as possible, so as not to burden others. I am still working on saying no to constant requests that seem beyond me...without the guilt! I am making progress. Have a happy day, and enjoy the new computer Karen
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Thank you so much my friend, it is good to be back.... The guilt gets less the more you find time to do for yourself than others all the time.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 09
Guilt...it is one of my downfalls. I'm glad you're back.
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello my friend I use to have this problem but not anymore, I will say not in a heartbeat and wont feel bad about it, for years it was always hard to say the words, I would say I can't right now because or give me a few minutes knowing I don't want to do it grrr that is one habit I am glad to be rid of. People take advantage of people like this, they seem to sniff you out, and will use it for as long as you let let them So not worth it in the long run, only one that end up hurt is you, I had my days and it really stinks. Thank you my friend.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Good morning, Kitty. Ack! You are so right...I think most of us have those stretches, especially in our younger adult years, when we a loathe to hurt anyone or turn down any requested favor. And yes, we end up being taken advantage of numerous times! I have spent years eliminating this habit, and have made a lot of progress with it. I commend you for having conquered it :) xoxo Karen
• United States
16 Sep 09
I am fine, Kitty, and hope that you are, too. I also try to let down gently those to whom I have to say no...but, as you said, when it is someone being unreasonable or rude in the asking, the no comes more quickly! Karen
@kitty42 (3923)
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello my friend How are you today? It took years of tears my friend but now I will tell a person no quick, I still try to be nice about it, depending on the person, but if its someone that I know don't really need me just asking to get out of doing things themselves, then yes I say NO, quick/fast/in a hurry Thank you my friend.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I should have said no to a bunch of things & to a bunch of people over the years but i didn't so now i pay the price for some of those times.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I guess we live & learn the hard way sometimes. Hope u have a good night to.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Jo. I suffer the same consequences, still, for certain times I should also have said no! They seem to go on a long long time, don't they? If nothing else, those are the hardest, but some of the best lessons learned. Have a nice night. Karen
1 person likes this
@jesssp (2712)
• Canada
16 Sep 09
I'm the opposite, I have no problem saying no but am aften too reluctant to say yes. If I really don't want to do something then I don't have a problem giving people a straight out 'no'. One thing that really bothers me is when people can't say no so they agree to do something they don't want to and then weasel out of it or just not show up. It's so much easier to tell someone no and just deal with it. By saying yes and then letting people down when they've counted on you all it does is make you look untrustworthy.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hi Jesssp. Ahh, so you are on the other end of this spectrum. Neither one is the most comfortable of places to be, but I do admire you for having learned early on to say no when that is the best possible answer for you to give. I'd rather hear a "no" than to have someone say yes to me and then act resentful or put out the entire time they are helping! Thank you for sharing your input here, and have a nice evening. Karen
• India
16 Oct 09
Hello my friend PeacefulWmn9 Ji, Well, it is difficult to support your concept. I do not think a person can work even after exhausting oneself. At times, we all undermine. I remember, when my Hubby was in Sevices, it happened amny times taht he had to see the work done till its completion, but it was everyone's duty to share the load in rotation. In fact, it is a duty of head to ensure, everyone gets one's due, so that proper energy is maintained at all segments in any organisation. If this happens, 'NO' will exist no more. May God bless You and have great time.
1 person likes this
• India
18 Oct 09
Hello my friend PeacefulWmn9 Ji, So nice of you for having understood my concept so well. I think, in any of theoritical applications in our life, certyain things have to be considered as fixed values, 'human-limitations' can be considered on eof the value in this case. There may be a climax when person will break down and defy the order totally. As such, it is duty and understanding by other to understand limitations and not burdon after those limits. Completion of any job lies here. I apply even at home and see if one never refuses anything to me. May God bless You both and have great time.
• United States
16 Oct 09
Hello my friend. I think your concept would work well for someone when those around them respected human limitations and did not ask beyond those limitations, especially if family and friends know that the other person has chronic illnesses that make some tasks physically beyond them. Thank you for your opinions :) Karen
1 person likes this
• Philippines
16 Sep 09
Hi peacefulWmn9, this topic surely brought my attention when I saw Jim Carrey's movie Yes Man. He always do say YES and it was really absurd and unethical already. If you watch the movie, you will know what I mean. Ok back to the topic, well I don't have a problem saying NO actually. From relatives, when they were borrowing money, the answer would sometimes be yes, if we really have money, and sometimes if our budget is really tight, we would simply say NO because there's really nothing to pull out of the pocket and they would understand. About working extra hours, nope, I haven';t experience that my boss would ask me to render some more hours of work. They don't like to pay extra amount like OT . For me I don't like to compromise something that I cannot do so I have to be honest and just say No, rather than to put effort and all till you get anxiety and pressure and stress which I really don't like. Happy Mylotting.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 Nov 09
Thanks Karen for the BR! Have a nice day and keep on Mylotting!
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Strawberry. I missed that movie, and will have to watch it sometime. You've gotten a wonderful handle on how valuable it can be to our own peace and health to learn to say no rather than over-extend ourselves, financially or in any other way. I commend you for that! Have a nice night, and thank you for your insight. Karen
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I have no problem whatsoever saying no and I do not feel guilty about it. Once you start doing it you actually feel quite good. I left that problem in the dust when I was in my early twenties and I haven't looked back.
1 person likes this
@Canellita (12029)
• United States
29 Sep 09
Keep up the good work! BTW, have you gotten to grapefruit or canteloupe size yet?
• United States
16 Sep 09
Bravo, Cnaellita! I wish I had learned the fine art of saying no more often when I was that young. It would have saved a lot of hardships! I do have it down pretty well these days, of necessity! And yes, the guilt, too, it easier to say "no" to, as well! Thank you for your response! Karen
@thea09 (18305)
• Greece
17 Sep 09
Hi Karen, I confess without the slightest guilt that I have no problem at all in saying 'no'. If I were to do something out of obligation it would make me feel resentful. I equally have no problem saying yes when that also fits in. We know ourselves and what is best for us and I prefer a stress free life and to ensure it stays that way I have no problem at all with that little word. The people I know who can't say no even when they want to gain nothing but stress from it and then wish they'd had the courage to say no in the first place.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 09
Hello Thea. I do commend you. I do say no, mostly out of necessity, but....I still have those twinges of guilt sometimes. I try never to say no to a genuine need, especially in a loved one, but heavens, we all do have limits :) Thank you for your wisdom. Karen
@rajupaul (973)
• India
16 Sep 09
Hi friend People has the attitude problem to say no to every thing. You cann't aviod it let the thing go smoothly. You keep yourself updated don't be exhausted with this type of nature.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Rajupaul. You make a good point. There comes a time when our resources, time, and energy simply do not leave any room for us to take on yet one more request. Best to say no before we even get near that point! Thank you for responding and have a good day. Karen
@rajupaul (973)
• India
16 Sep 09
Dear friend Fine . give a big smile
1 person likes this
• Philippines
17 Sep 09
yes, it is very difficult to say NO to requests especially if these come from ur loved ones. there are occasions in the past that i regretted having said YES instead of NO to a situation and i ended up battling with myself with that problem. i have often used NO when the children were younger. this i used as a matter of discipline and to tell them that some things aren't just possible whenever they want it. it may be difficult to say NO but i am not a totally YES person. i have learned to say NO and in fact, used it several times in the past already. i don't want myself feeling exhausted, bitter, sorry, sad and guilty by giving in to requests from people. at work, for instance, i have learned to say NO to other people's work being passed to me for reasons that i work faster. i politely turn them down saying that i still have to do my personal responsibilities and may not be able to attend to them immediately. i am happy they understand what i intend to say.
1 person likes this
• United States
18 Sep 09
Oh, yes, our loved ones are so hard to turn down, simply because we want to give them the world! But in an effort to not drain ourselves totally and be of no use whatever, sometimes we must say no, even to them. And most of the time, the will understand. That is our hope, yes? Thank you so much for sharing your insights. Karen
@mzz663 (2772)
• United States
16 Sep 09
I've learned to finally say no when I'm asked by anyone except my kids, I can't ever say no to them. Two of them are on their own and even if it puts me out, I help them whether I really don't have the time or money to do it, it's kind of funny, I couldn't tell them no when they were little either. I used to do everything for everyone no matter what they asked but came to the realization that those same people I put myself out for wouldn't do the same for me.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hi Mzz. It is definitely hard to turn down our kiddos, especially when the need is genuine (speaking from one whose daughters are all grown now). And true, often favor after favor can be done for others, and then when we have a true need of our own, they may well scatter and run...no compunction whatsoever about them saying no! Thank you for sharing your viewpoints. Karen
@thaMARKER (2503)
• Philippines
16 Sep 09
it's kind of happening to me. a co-worker is having this insurance thingy -- her sideline. and i ask about savings, it started from that question. i was just interested -- curious, that's more like it. and now shes selling me the insurance thingy every time we see each other at work. it's disturbing somehow but i dont know when would be the perfect timing to say no because shes starting to learn on how to sell it and really exerting an effort to get me into it.i hate to feel her down. i met a not-so-close old friend of mine the other day. we talked for minutes and he asked me if im doing any sideline. i said no and i also asked him -- then another one started. just this morning -- early in the morning -- he texted me to meet up somewhere so we can discuss this sideline thingy. i'm just not into it. i hate to say no.
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Marker. I know how difficult it can be to say no, and had to work at doing so for many years! As to the incidents you've mentioned, these people are only nagging at you for something that would benefit THEM. Sometimes we feel the need to offer explanations or excuses, as I'm just to busy right now or do not have the money, etc., to take that on. But...sometimes, it's perfectly okay to say, no...I can't do that, and leave it at that. Thank you for responding and good luck with these people! Karen
@jellymonty (2352)
16 Sep 09
HELL NO! see I can say it.. But I have no problem saying no.. in fact if I don't want to do anything I just say "speak to the hand, face don't understand"
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
LOL, yes, so you can! I am glad you have that knack. NO can many times make for a happier freer life for us. For many, it takes years to gain the courage you've already found to use that big little 2-letter word! Thank you for responding! Karen
• Malaysia
16 Sep 09
I will say a conditional 'yes' which in most times it means a "NO". So when conditions are attached, people will look elsewhere to have their problems solved. I will then be on my way. If you are not desperate for promotion and only intend to keep a job, then saying no is not difficult. It's the way you said it that counts!
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Dove...that conditional "yes" reminds me of the times I've said "maybe" to my children when they were young and wanted to do something. They would immediately say: that means "no," doesn't it?? Couldn't fool them lol. I do agree, many times the way we say it makes a difference to how well-received the "no" is. Thank you for responding. Karen
@Shahrus (68)
• Philippines
16 Sep 09
I've never had a hard time saying "NO!" It's the easiest thing in the world to say! Monosyllabic, straight and to the point, one of the easiest English words to spell. I long ago found it easier to say "no", then change my mind and say "yes", than to say "yes", and find myself stuck. I hate being stuck. Detest it! No! No! NO!!! That said (see what I mean?), I find that often, it's not the word itself that people resent, so much as how you say it, and in what context. When my superiors would ask me something I wouldn't like, such as overtime, I'd often say "no", then sit back and wait for them to justify why I'd have to do it. I'd then counter with the fact that I do overtime most nights, anyway, and wait for their counterproposal. If it's justified, I'd say "yes" (worse luck). The up-side to this is that I've conditioned people: friends, family, office-mates to the fact that I'll always say "no", and they'd better have a good reason (by my standards, admittedly), before I'll change my mind. After years of this, when people approach me for anything, I'll give them my "WHAT NOW!?" look, and if it's not important, they back off. Now, I rarely have to say "no". I simply exude it. If they're too chicken, or too inarticulate to explain why I should change my mind, then as far as I'm concerned, it certainly isn't worth my time. So much easier, no?
1 person likes this
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Shahrus. Good point about not leaving oneself wide-open lol. I, too, feel that how we say no can make it harder or easier. People don't seem to be as "offended" by a respectful manner, though in some respects, the feeling of having been offended shouldn't be there in the first place. For those who sincerely NEED help that I can give, I try. For those who simply want to use me up or misuse me, I have learned to say, NO. Thank you for your insights. Karen
@clarkbody (141)
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hi, Karen. After experiencing a total burn-out once in my life, I no longer after a problem saying no or spreading myself to thin. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that no can be a healthy response. We gramatically and subconciously connect no to negative responses when, in reality it can be a positive one. No, has actually saved a life....mine.
• United States
16 Sep 09
Hello Clark. A total burnout makes us change perspective on many things, but it is a hard way to learn a valuable skill, yes? I agree, no can be the kindest word for us, and sometimes for others, especially those who need to learn some independence and a sense of responsibility! I'm glad you use no now...and yes, the life it saves is often our own! Karen