Should I let my dad meet my husband?

@agirnow (158)
France
September 17, 2009 12:11am CST
I am a young, fairly newly-wed and my dad has never met my husband. It started out as a circumstantial problem, my folks live in California, my husband lives in France and the only time they came to visit me in France was 2 weeks after we started dating and it was WAY too soon for them to be meeting. To be honest, we are not yet legally married, just religiously... in France you have to have 2 ceremonies because church and state are totally seperated. So now I would like to make it legal and I want to have a wedding in the states and my folks were nervous about that but supportive (they had even saved some money in a bank account for our wedding) until my dad flipped out, cheated on my mom, filed for divorce and then started acting like a total a$$ to my whole family. Now he has told the lawyers 'why should I pay for a wedding to a man I have never met?' and he is taking half of the money for himself and forcing my mom to live off the other half until a spousal and child support number can be agreed upon. We should be coming to California soon and my husband seems to want to try and meet him... but I don't particularly want that to happen after all the destruction and mayhem he has caused in my family's life recently... What should I do?
1 person likes this
11 responses
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
17 Sep 09
I guess for formality you can introduce him to your dad. I really see no problem with that just introduce him then if the meeting goes well at least you made the courtesy of introducing your husband to him. As to the money that he is willing to support you in your wedding then that can be discussed in another set of meetings if there are. I think it is hard to convince a father that is not willing to support you.
@agirnow (158)
• France
17 Sep 09
...he used to be willing to support me... thank you
@rsa101 (13336)
• Philippines
17 Sep 09
Well I guess do not push your dad to support you but if he is willing to support you then that's better. But maybe it is just right to introduce your husband/fiancee to him as a sign of respect for his being your father. If he would be hostile then at least you tried to do what you think was right.
@dodo19 (32868)
• Beaconsfield, Quebec
17 Sep 09
I think that the best thing to do is to come clean with your family and let them know what's going on. It's better that it comes from you than they find out some other way. I understand that it's difficult sometimes to do these sorts of things, but it's the right thing to do.
@agirnow (158)
• France
17 Sep 09
My family knows what is going on, I have no secrets from them... the problem is that my Dad has abandoned my mother and my younger siblings and he has shunned me and my older brother and now he has taken back a promise of supporting me and my choice to marry the man I love. Thank you for your response.
@zhuhuifen46 (3486)
• China
17 Sep 09
I believe marriage is more than a matter between the two. To have long lasting marriage, we need to have blessing from our family members. No matter what status your parents are, it is hard to sever the relationship with your dad. Though tough to deal with him, try our wisdom and you will find a solution. In my knowledge, the worst case is to arrange a meeting separately while allowing your mother in a safe position.
@agirnow (158)
• France
17 Sep 09
I agree with you that marriage involves many people and that my family is a big part of this, the problem is that my father has repeatedly shrugged off my attempts to contact him and have an adult conversation and now he is just being hurtful... seriously, it's not about the money... I wouldn't use it anyways, but he is not being civil or honoring promises that he has made. Thanks for your advice.
• China
17 Sep 09
I think that you should let them meet each other face and face for one time .There is a say as "Who started the trouble should end it ".So this problem must be resolved by you father and you husband.
@agirnow (158)
• France
17 Sep 09
This is not really a problem between my dad and my husband... this is my father trying to hurt my feelings for not allowing him to justify bad behavior towards my mother and asking him to apologize... those are reasonable requests in my opinion, but now he is behaving rudely to me too. He has gotten our whole family in this mess and at this point I don't think he is willing to end it... should I wait it out until he has gotten to the point where he wants to make peace? Thank you
@sssb21 (70)
• India
17 Sep 09
I think you should try to solve the problem in your family. Just talk o each one. If no solution then be happy with your husband. Then you don't have to wait for your fahter's money. If you have married, you don't have any such right for to seek his money. Thank you.
@agirnow (158)
• France
17 Sep 09
Thank you for your response, I don't want his money, I want him to stop being a jerk though.
@trisha27 (3505)
• United States
18 Sep 09
I think that the most important thing is to get the matter resolved with your father. Maybe have a sit down with your father and talk with him and tell him what you are feeling and things. Maybe even mention to him that if he doesn't want to help pay for the wedding then he doesn't have to, but you would at least like for him to meet your soon to be husband. But you need to talk to your father before you introduce him to your husband. I was in the same particular situation when I was getting married about a year ago. My parents were already divorced and they had already met my husband now and all and my dad was complaining because he didn't want to pay for things and all I really wanted him to pay for was my wedding pictures and he threw a fit about that. My mom was paying for a lot of things already and to have her pay for most seemed unfair. I sat down and I talked to him about how I felt and well in the end, he paid for the pictures. Money is not the important thing though when you are getting married and that was something my mother had told me, while we were planning the wedding. It was just a celebration of my now husband and I to express our love in front of our friends and family and that is the most important thing. So that is something that you have to think about. If your father states that he would not like to help your mother pay for the wedding, then tell him that that is okay and that you would still like him to meet your husband. Maybe he'll lighten up a bit. I hope everything works out for you though with your dad and preparing for the wedding here in the states.
@shimanaja (495)
• Indonesia
18 Sep 09
Hi there, i think nothing to lose to try to meet your dad with your husband. Just meet him and say that your husband will legality your marriage. And you both ask him for his blessing. That's all are enough, and i'm sure your wedding will go smoothly and happily ever after. Happy mylotting :)
@suchi60 (913)
• India
18 Sep 09
I think you're right in trying to dissuade your husband-to-be from meeting your father. His actions are condemnable and there should be no way of patching up, especially after the way he has treated your mother and family. He wants to keep the money for himself and cares less for you and the rest of your family.Keep him at bay.
@Debs_place (10525)
• United States
18 Sep 09
Maybe your father will meet your husband and come around and change from a donkey's butt back to a human. What is happening between him and your Mom should stay there, he is your father. Maybe you can help them mend the rift at least a little.
@mommaj (22768)
• United States
17 Sep 09
If you don't want to see your dad then there is no reason to have your "husband" meet him. If you are going to see your dad then your husband should see him. I think it is your reasoning that you didn't explain. Why do you not want your husband to meet him, or is it that you weren't planning on seeing your father and didn't want to make a special trip just for the husband? I think it's really up to your feelings as to WHY.
@dozhou (326)
• United States
17 Sep 09
Just let them meet. Sometimes, what you imagine is totally different from the reality. If there are some difficulties you should face. Go ahead. Then maybe you will find it is a piece of cake, not so hard.