How do I get across to her that I don't want to be involved?

Headache - Oh my head
United States
September 21, 2009 10:38am CST
Hello mylotters. I have a family problem that I really need some help with. My youngest son is in a relationship with this girl. She is very nice and pretty. Me and her have made a good friendship since they have been together. The problem is that they are now having problems with their relationship. She has been IM me everyday for the last two weeks asking or telling what is going on between the two of them. I have repeatly told her that I can't get involved with their problems. My son hasn't said a word to me about it and I really know feel like that I should be discussing it with her. She won't listen to me at all. I need to know how to get across to her that I can't listen to it any more. Suggestions please..
6 people like this
26 responses
@jheLaichie (4439)
• Philippines
21 Sep 09
just go stright to the point my friend. it is not really your business to bepart of their problem. tell her that and tell your son as well that you are now having problems with his girlfriend. and hope that they talked and try to work things out of whatever outcome they could make you would not be part of it. that is their problem so i hope they could be mature enough to do so. and not to take you part of it. just let her know about yur side. and i just hope everything would be fine with you friend. jhelai
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hi jheLaichie...How are you today? I know that it is best for me and them for me not to know anything about it. I have even went to the distance of telling her that if I know what is going on that it would only make me more nervous then I am. She comes back with I understands and still she will continue to go on. Im not sure if son knows that she talking to me about their problems..Thanks for your advice and have a nice day...
• United States
21 Sep 09
Rose, your son has not even spoken to you about this problem. The girl is wanting to use you and your kindness to her to her advantage. She has not listened when you told her that your nerves can not take this...obviously she does not care. All she cares about is what she wants. She apparently doe snot care what your son wants either. The best thing to do is tell her right out. It's best to get it done as soon as possible so she will move on. If your son had wanted her to talk to you, don't you think he would have asked you by now if you had? I know my son would have. She is bothering you now and she won't stop. People like this need to be told straight out.
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
21 Sep 09
You may have to come flat out and tell her that you will not be involved and that you do not wish to receive anymore contact from her containing anything to do with your son. Tell her this is their problem not yours and that she needs to talk to him. That is if her is talking to her. But let her know in no certain terms do you wish to be involved and not to contact you because from this point on you will not reply to her about this. Best of luck to you.
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
I like the fact that you are straight to the point. Now I need to be that way. Im always afraid of hurting her feelings. I know that something has to be done. She is really getting on my nerves now. She even called today and I had to tell that I didn't have to talk. Thanks for your advice and I will differently consider it..
• United States
21 Sep 09
Add to what you say that you like her and do not wish to hurt her feelings but that you have nothing to do in your sons decisions of what he chooses to do. That you want her to stop talking to you about him as it has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do or say anyway. Maybe this will work.
@YoungInLove (1254)
• Canada
21 Sep 09
Well as much as you like her. Your sons your son, your blood, and your pride and joy. Whether hes wrong or right, its in your nature to come to his side before hers. So just let her know as much as you like and respect her, that you cant listen to the issues because youd want to side with your son because hes your son and because of that you cant give an honest opinion/or advice with the situation
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
Yeah that is the first thing she usually says..I know he is your son but...I try to stop her before she gets started but it is like she isn't listening to what I am really saying. They are adults and I really don't want to know their problems..
• Canada
21 Sep 09
I'd be furious if one of my girlfriends was going behind my back to tell my own mother all of our relationship issues. I'd be just as annoyed as you, if I were the parent as well! Maybe try talking to your son about the situation? Tell him that his girlfriend has been bringing all of their relationship issues to you and maybe he will talk to his girlfriend about not bringing issues to you.. but to your son instead? If that doesn't help and she continues to come to you.. maybe talk to her parents and get them to get the girl to stop bringing her issues to you.. and for her to talk to her own parents instead? Hope this helps!
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
I haven't said anything to my son yet. I don't want to cause a new issue for them. But I might have to do this. She isn't from here and her parents are both deceased. I have asked her what her sister thinks, just trying to give her a hint. Maybe the telling son is going to be my answer..
@tdemex (3547)
• United States
21 Sep 09
It shouldn't be your problem I'd tell my son to take care of this! But since you befriended her, it kind of became a problem for you! That ought to teach ya! LOL! My mom did the same thing with my girlfriends while I was growing up! Many times I would come home and mom would be at the kitchen table drinking coffee with one of my ex's LOL! She would say it was her house and so and so was her friend! What a position this would put me in! But it all worked out somehow! Why don't you talk to her? Tell her your feelings! tdemex
1 person likes this
• United States
21 Sep 09
You got that right..it is my problem now..LOL..But I dont want it to be my problem..LOL..I have told her in very nice ways that I get in the middle of them. I have even changed the subject and she keeps coming back to it..
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
This discussion is pretty interesting because I can relate. Well not about having a son with a gf - but being the gf (laughing). When my fiance and I have problems, I try not to tell people especially my own family. But since I am very close to my fiance's mother, we talk everyday. So every time my guy and I fight, she would always ask and I just give her answers. We have been reeeeally close and I love her like my own and she loves me so. But sometimes when the "fights" come, i try not to talk to her so I don't get her involved. I think the best thing for you to do is to tell her honestly that you don't know what is going on and as much as you want to make her feel better, there is no way you can decide for them or influence your son to do things or be someone. And you can tell the girlfriend that you care a lot about how she feels but to remind her that you love her as a potential daughter but he will always be your son.
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hi barbiejune... Thanks for your comment. I have and will tell her again that it is not my place to try and talk with my son about their problems..Well she hasn't ask me to do that much as she wants to tell me things that he says and his actions. I can't help her with that at all and she really needs to understand that. Somehow...
• Philippines
23 Sep 09
You have been an amazing person to her because you listen to her rants and how she feels. But of course you are human and there are certain limitations where you reach that point of being "fed up". I still think that you can keep the friendship with the girlfriend if you can be honest with her about how you feel and that you are caught in the middle when this situation comes up. June
• United States
23 Sep 09
Once again this morning she IM me and started all over. I quickly stopped her. When son got up I called him and explained a little to him on what was going on. He said that he would tell her to leave me out of it. I will talk with her but not about their problems..
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hello my friend I would tell my son if I were you especially since you tried to let her know you don't want to be in the middle, he should be able to put a stop to it, if not, then you have to ask her again to stop if she refuse ignore her im's block her if need be, but I could imagine how hard this must be, worse considering your son has not mentioned it , do you think thier may be a chance things will work itself out? or does your son look like he could care less? I would talk to him after all you tried to let her know how you feel she does not respect your feelings, maybe this is the problem she is hardheaded Sorry my friend, hope it all works out.
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hi my friend kitty...You have brought up a good point. She vey well could be hard headed. From what she says that my son isn;t sure if he wants to continue the relationship. She wants to the relationship to continue. She says he keeps changing his mind about it. I haven't heard this from my son at all. So see I really don't know what is going on at all. I keep telling her that. Thanks for your advice and I will see that we have one more talk. ....
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hello my friend Good luck to you, its sad that she is putting you in the middle, when I was with my Ex sad but me and his mom did not get along, she was the opposite she wanted to know everything and also wanted me to kiss her butt, this is not in my nature and I had to let her know this, I was really young but had my own mind and was not about to let his mom manipulate me any further lol can't say I didn't fall for some of her crap, but I feel parents should not be in the middle of their kids relationships, after all what happens when things work out, then they feel you will always take their side and that is unfair to the son/daughter in question. Good luck again.
@prinzcy (5058)
• Malaysia
21 Sep 09
Even if you guys are friend, you can say you don't want to be involved. She need to face your son herself as he didn't discuss it with you. And as a friend too, she need to understand that a friend can't be force if she doesn't want to do anything. That's your right and she need to respect it. She also need to understand your situation as you're trap between your son and her. It might be hurt but she need to know the truth.
• United States
21 Sep 09
Thanks for your advice prinzcy...I know that she really needs to get the message that I cant and wont be a part of it. He isn't sure if he wants to continue the relationship and she wants too. She says that she is madly in love and dont understand what he is thinking. I have told her I dont know what he is thinking either..
• Canada
21 Sep 09
haha she needs to understand you are the mother of a boy. Girls are easy to spill their hearts out but boys keep it bottled inside until its completely necessary to release the information. You know just as much as she does about the situaton. Yet deep down inside shes desperately hoping youd have some info to give her. Just straight out tell her. He doesnt tell you anything, you dont know anyhting, and hes your son so you cant be involved.
@MsTickle (24983)
• Australia
27 Sep 09
Try and ignore her. Do not respond to calls and ignore IM. Set your status to "appear offline" or don't sign on. She should not be discussing these things with you and I'm sure, if your son knew what she was doing he would be very angry. If she continues to do this I think you should let your son know. He deserves some loyalty.
• United States
27 Sep 09
Hi MsTickle..How are you today? Im moving a little slow on my responding but at least I made it.Rght? I did go ahead and tell my son that she needed not to contact me in regards to their problems. So far..knock on wood...it has worked. I just hope it continues..Thanks for sharing your thoughts..Have a nice day..
@drannhh (15240)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I would just say each time "You need to be telling this to HIM not to me." If she persisted I would take her to wherever he was and say "OK, now you tell HIM what you told me." Or as it is an IM, I would tell her to send it to HIM and I'd say that I share ALL my IM's with him, so if she is going to bad mouth him, please understand HE WILL SEE THIS. It is sort of sweet that she looks to you for advice, but you are so right. This is something they have to resolve on their own.
• United States
25 Sep 09
Oh yes..I agree that they need to work this out on their own. She will stay stuff like that he is going to leave and stay in his car, or she will say that he is leaving and let her stay in the trailer. See they live together and he has alot of my stuff instead of me putting it in storage. She keeps me nervous about the whole thing and I just cant take it. I finally did tell him and it has been kinda quite the last couple of days..Thanks for your thoughts..
• United States
22 Sep 09
Wow! that seems like you have a major problem is the here. I think you need to talk to your son about the situation just let him know that he has to talk to her and communicate and workout their issues. As for the girl you need to tell her that with being her friend and being the mother of your son you have to stay neutral. I know that most woman do that you try to get in good with the mother of the person you are dating, and sometime a friendship flourish, but I think you need to keep that boundary. I know we as girls talk about our interrelationship and we ask for advice. Just talk to her about how you have to be neutral and this is the only way you can be fair to the both of them.
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hi misslovelyfiles... You have made some good points here. I know that she is trying to get my advice on the problem..But I can't give her advice on what she or he should be doing. She says that he has changed and she doesn't know what to do about it. Once again I can't say anything. It will cause problems between me and my son...Thanks for your thoughts and have a nice day...
@hotsummer (10449)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
you are a good parent that you don't won't to get involved with the decision of your child regarding his lovelife. it is just right for your child to make the decision for himself. and if he does not want to talk about it then we should respect it. ah ha. some mothers don't do that. like they will try to interfere with their child's love life and the one they are in relationship with.
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hi hotsummer..Poor I can get myself in some messes..I get into them and don't even try...LOL..I don't want in the middle. You are right his decision is his and she shouldn't be trying to get me to tell her stuff. I will be talking with her and if that doesn't work then oh son going have to say something to her..
@Amasid (25)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
go tell ur son to deal with his problem on his girlfriend,u can make advice that's all don't get into this mess, mean it's not ur fault, tell ur son to be responsible, he should handle it
• United States
22 Sep 09
You know what I really believe that he doesn't even know that she is talking to me about their problems at all. The reason I say this is because she say don't say anything ...I will give her one more chance and it that doesn't work, then he will know for sure..Thanks for your thoughts and have a nice day..
@riyasbass (121)
• India
22 Sep 09
The problem can be solved in several ways , me as experienced well in family and personal matters than English grammar believes that its you who only can solve the problem as you are related to both the girl and boy. As a mother you have the right to know the things around your sons mind ,If you believe you are very valuable to him then by a short angerness you can order your son to apologize to her and remind her not to make involve you to this problem. If you believe that your son still require the company ,then you have to talk to her mother ,i hope she might understand you as a mother As from your article i cannot understand the depth of the problem it might be foolishness to comment more....Also make sure that your son have more chances to mingle with his BOY friends...
• United States
22 Sep 09
That is just it, her mother is deceased and she has no family around close. I did her say that she has talked with her sister in Florida. So maybe she can just talk with her about it. My son hasn't said anything to me at all. Thanks for your comment and have a nice day.
@ibuemma (2954)
• United States
22 Sep 09
hi rosepedal64. Sorry about your problem, but just be honest with her that it's not your place jump into her and your son problem. They should solve it by their own. Seems that she's desperate, but hey time for them to grow up and deal with their own matter.
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hi ibuemma.. I have done this several times. With the help from now Im going to give it another try. I plan on talking with her sometime tomorrow. If it doesn't work then I have no choice but to call my son on her..Thanks for your thoughts..
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
22 Sep 09
well it seem like she feel very comfortable with you, and might need someone to talk to. now you can just a friend and listen to her. but let her know you will not give advise or take side. or you just got to be straight up with her and let her know ok hey i am sorry, feel you but i cant or wont be in on this. maybe suggest they go seek help somewhere else like at a church
• United States
22 Sep 09
I have been busy today and haven't had the chance to talk with her. I am going to give her one more chance to try and understand that I cant listen to her when it comes to their relationship. Thanks for your advice and have a nice day..
• United States
21 Sep 09
If you dont want to get involved with this kind of thing then dont. It isnt your problem. Talk to your son and tell her what is going on and leave it up to him to resolve the issue. Thats how i would handle it
• United States
22 Sep 09
Thanks for your thoughts bibbyboy..It is looking like that is what Im going have to do..You have a nice evening and better tomorrow..
@Hatley (164507)
• Garden Grove, California
21 Sep 09
hi rosepedal you are going to have to explain to her that this'is between the two of them, as You are his mom. so you c annot take sides and be fair to either of them. also talk to your son.he should have'to handle his own girl friend. Its nice you and her get along but' she is being unfair in trying to involve you in what is a personal issue between her and your son.
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hi Hatley...How are you? I know I have told her this several times. I have went as far as soon she starts the subject I will change it. She has been married before and now has this relationship with my son, so therefore this isn't her first rodeo..LOL..I like her, she is a sweet girl but I just can't discuss their problems. Thanks for your thoughts..
@pillusch (1149)
• Mexico
21 Sep 09
It sounds to me as if she doesn't WANT to listen to you when you tell her clearly that you don´t want to get involved. Maybe she is, consciously or subconsciously, trying to get you involved and stay involved. Kind of, she is using you. If that's the case, I'd see only one remedy: cut of all contact with her, Don't answer her messages, don´t talk to her. Again, if I´m right (and it's a big 'if') she is showing a total disregard for you and your needs. I personally wouldn´t allow it, sounds very lopsided to me. It's hard to be tough with people we like, but sometimes we should forget how we feel about a person when our minds show us clear evidence that there´s something strange about the whole thing. Or maybe you just turned into a mother-substitute for her, which wouldn't make things any easier, would it now? Anyway, I wish you all the best with that situation.
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hi pillusch..That is right..I don't want to be in the mother figure with her. That differently wouldn't be good at all. I could hear saying to my son..your mom said..I don't want that conversation to take place at all..Maybe she does love him but that is not for me to say at all...I think you for sharing your thoughts with me. I know I have some serious talking to do with her.. Wish me luck..
@jugsjugs (13045)
21 Sep 09
Well to be honest i would tell her it is her that should be talking to your son not you as you do not want to get involved as they are both old enough to sort this out and you are not getting involved.If you do not tell her now you never will and you will always have this problem.Good Luck.
• United States
21 Sep 09
Hi jugjugs...You are right I never looked at this way..If I don't get my foot down now then I never will. She will always think that she can call upon me to fix her and my sons problems..I never have been involved with his women and I don't want to start now..Thanks for the great advice.Have a wonderful day..
1 person likes this