Meeting With The Ex-Partner

@neildc (17253)
Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
September 21, 2009 7:45pm CST
Hahaha... I really don't know how I feel about this. Or what I really have done about this. But it is over and they already done it. Maybe I should act normally. Maybe I should say nothing at all. I'm just not sure how she will react or what she has in mind when I have done nothing or say a word. But it's over now. Naahh, I guess I have just done the right thing. wub Well, here's what happened. My wife's ex-partner is in town and he made a call last Sunday. They agreed to meet yesterday, and they did. My wife and her two kids (my step-kids) met with him. And so they did. Well, if it's not for the good of my step-daughter, for he promised to give support for her schooling, I would say no to their meeting. And so they did. But I am just human, so I still felt something inside. The "what if's"... Naaahh So how would you react with something like this? Would you let your wife or husband, or boyfriend, or girlfriend, to meet with their ex's? Will you say No? Or you just say Nothing? And if you are meeting your ex, will you tell about it to your present partner or sweetheart? Will you feel something about your present if he or she will say NO or Nothing At All?
2 people like this
19 responses
@janebeth (2034)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi neil, i am laughing right now.. why?? well it's obvious, you will really feel that thing because it's natural and normal, you are just loving and jealousy is very very normal to lovers.. and for a person who loves the girl then meeting up to her ex is awkward for me.. it's kinda weird of you because you let her met up with him without you, and as what you have said it's a positive meeting and for the sake of the kids so you let her go.. and i think you just made the right one.. and what happen next?? what's the result of the meet up?? janebeth.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi janebeth. that's right, it's all for the sake of the kids. and because she'd gone there not being alone, so i say no disagreement. well, they said that i still look better than their father and yummier. but kidding aside, daughter is going to receive her weekly allowance from her father, starting today. he wanted to shift course to civil engineering but the girl doesn't want it. but thing though, he is just here in town for a contract, i think for two years, so even if she will agree to shift course, we can never tell. he might be gone again when she needs money that i can't give. at least, once she finish her course now, here is her father that she can ask for financial, at least for financial support that her step has no lots of it.
@janebeth (2034)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
well i think and i agree that you are the yummier of all the fathers. that is a good news neil, and i bet you are very happy on that news.. it's a positive effect for financial problem of you, but it's sad if they will continue to meet each other always.. so have your eyes on ...
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
but anyways, they can still continue to communicate if, whenever one ceased to stay here.
@salonga (27957)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
Hi Neildc I really would not know because I have not been in that kind of situation! Nevertheless I know how it feels to be jealous, so I think your feelings is but normal especially in a situation like that. I mean they have a past and they have children so it is but normal for you to have that feelings. Well I actually admire you because you allow such a meeting to take place. If I were you, perhaps it would be hard for me. Well anyway, for the sake of the children then your sacrifice is worth! So Cheers !!!
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
i can't tell completely that it's jealousy. but anyway, the meeting was only for the sake of the kids, i guess there would be nothing more.
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
22 Sep 09
ok for real it's all about trusting her. either way you look at it, he is or hopfully be apart of the kids life. (if he's a real man) if i was me i wouldnt really care at all. specaily if it has to do with helping the kids. me and my wife used to hang out with her ex b/f and his wife. he's is a cool guy actully. lol.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
and she told me, "when you were meeting with your ex's, have you heard something from me?" because i also met with my ex's before, so i didn't say a word. we trust each other though.
• United States
22 Sep 09
That horrible little green eyed monster named jealousy made it's way into your mind, didn't it? I don't blame you, it would in mine as well. Not that it would ever cause me to forbit my significant other to meet with them, especially if children are involved, but i would feel uncomfotable about it none the less. My partner has been married twice before, and has had children with both women. This past summer one of his exes was in the area, as his daughter was graduating high school (and it is onlt to be expected that she be there) But i was still nervous and aprehensive about meeting her myself! I had no worries about him and her, as i know exactly how he feels about her, but i just had these moment of self doubt...of wanting to make sure i compared favorably to her. As petty as it is, i felt better after realizing that i was younger and prettier than she, even though those kind of physical things should have no bearing in anything.I think the fact that i knew he has dealing with her only because they have daughters together makes me feel better. If he were to tell me that he was going to have coffee with his last ex-girlfriend, who he has no such attatchments with, i can't even imagine how i would be able to deal with all the little "what if" thoughts that would pop into my head.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi fruitcakeliz. first, i don't think it's pure jealousy but if it's, maybe no one can blame me. lol but since the meeting is all for the sake of the kids, especially the schooling of the daughter, i choose to remain silent about my feelings.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hello my friend I think since it all worked out well I would let well enough alone, personally I don't want to have a relationship with a man with kids, I know me I can't handle it, I think it is different when the women have children with a man and remarry or get involved with someone else men are not as petty as women, when the man is with someone else woman will use the kids for any and everything just cause they can, I don't have the time or patience for this I don't think you have no reason to worry, Thanks for sharing my friend.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi kitty. i should be not worrying in the first place. because we are already married, we are happy though we lack money. they said that i am also younger than him and looks yummier too. thanks for sharing my dear friend.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Hello my friend Now this is too cute, LMAOOOO, yummier I will use this I needed this laugh, I am sure you are a joy and your wife and kids should be proud to have you. Thank you my friend.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
and besides, my wife told me that he said this guy, "i am thankful that i left you (the ex) and i met him (me, her husband) and if that never happened, i my life would be miserable. i am happy with him (me) and we are happy as a family, even we have no lots of money."
@thea09 (18327)
• Greece
22 Sep 09
Hi neildc, as you say for the children's sake so don't let it bother you. In my own circumstance I can't ever see this becoming an issue as my sons father is installed in another country as is the mother of my my mans son, and both are beyond likely to drop into our country for a visit
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi thea. yes, that's right my friend. it's all for the sake of the daughter. and to tell you frankly, i was happy deep inside when we received the news about her father. i actually posted something about them, here on mylot, facebook, and i already communicated with some media people, to look for the father, for a possible reunion. but of course, knowing that your partner is meeting with the former will bring in some strange feelings, some weird feelings, the fact that they have a PAST.
@thea09 (18327)
• Greece
22 Sep 09
And no doubt you have one too. Just be assured that the ex has no doubt aged beyond recognition, lost his teeth, and developed an enormous gut. I must say there is a distinct advantage for me currently as the subject of exs has never once been mentioned by either of us which has the effect of not creating a jot of jealousy. I'm sure th
@thea09 (18327)
• Greece
22 Sep 09
The answer above disappeared, I'd no idea it was sitting there, I was about to add that the important thing is that although the children will have the thrill of meeting their real father I'm sure their love for you will not alter in the slightest, and that's the main thing.
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
22 Sep 09
If my current husband said nothing if I were to say I was meeting with my ex-partner for a specific reason like you mentioned (your step-daughter's schooling) I would think that he was feeling a bit jealous or a bit scared. I would reassure him that I felt nothing at all for my ex-partner and that the meeting was only to help my child. I would also invite him to go along, if he chose to. If he chose not to go, I would reassure him, once I got back home, that I still loved my current husband and that nothing would change that. Now, if my current husband was to have a meeting with his ex-partner, I would not have a problem. My current husband did meet with his ex-wife a few years ago, after he and I were married. She was moving out of the area, maybe about 2,000 miles away, and had some things that belonged to him that she found while packing her things up to move. They arranged to meet at lunchtime, since the home she was moving out of was close to where my husband worked. She gave him the things she had found, he came home and showed them to me, and that was that. The way I look at it, if the marriage or partnership is a strong one, nothing will change that. My ex as well as my husband's ex are just that: ex's. We were not with them any longer for a reason. It sounds to me that you might be a little scared about your wife meeting her ex-husband. You don't need to be, neil. She loves you and that is very obvious from the way you've written about her. Now, about your step-daughter. I think it's wonderful that her biological father wants to help her through college. If I were in your shoes, I would be grateful for that because the pressure of paying for college was off my shoulders. Your step-daughter will, of course, always have her biological father but the man who raises her and takes care of her emotional day-to-day needs is "Dad", even though she may not call you that. There is a big difference between a 'father' and a 'dad'! My own children do not have their father in their lives. That was their father's choice, not mine. I encouraged both my children and my ex to communicate. I wanted my children to make up their own minds about their father and the reason why he was no longer in the picture. Luckily, that has happened. They are able to see their father for who he really is, an immature, selfish man who should never have had children. But, I'm glad he did because I got two wonderful sons from the experience. I've always felt bad for them because they didn't have a responsible, loving father in the picture but I think they did all right growing up without him. For a large part of their growing years, I had to be both mother and father to them. It wasn't easy but I think they matured into unselfish, loving men themselves, despite the hardship we all went through with barely enough money to survive on. (My ex-husband still owes me $14,000.00 in child support arrears, which I'll probably never see.) So, try not to let this bother you. Your wife's ex, and step-children's father, is just part of your extended family. You are your wife's husband. She chose you because you are obviously what her ex-husband was lacking. Telling your partner that it is not okay to meet his or her ex-partner will only make things worse for everyone, as long as there is a valid reason for the meeting. In your case, it is not only valid but also beneficial to you since you will not have the burden of paying for your step-daughter's education.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi marti. i guess no one can blame me, if i feel something strange inside me. who am i, i'm just a man. but of course, i kept silent with hope that my step-daughter is also happy and excited to see her father. you know me, i do not think negative, always. it's only money that is not with me. anyway, the meeting gave positive results for at least the daughter. and at least, it lessens my burden for her schooling. one thing more about meeting the ex's, i have to be silent about theirs, because when i visit my homeplace, i also met with my ex. but of course, my wife had a total knowledge about our meeting. nothing happened actually, nothing changed after the meeting. i am really glad for my step-daughter. sorry for feeling something about this marti. but i kept silent. actually, i never brought this up with her. but i can't help to share my feelings with you. i know she loves me very much. i know they feel or treat me like no other person but a daddy to all of them. i am really grateful for the meeting. when they came back home, they have a lot to tell. and it makes me feel better. the only thing that her father has an advantage to me is money, as i can think of. he can give more to his kids. but of course, i don't think about that. i am still their Daddy. i hope i will totally get off this feeling, though the father said his contract in this place will last for two years. well, we had talked. and my wife agrees with me, that the next time the father and daughter will meet again, she will not come with her. i mean, if the daughter really like to meet him or should meet him, i think they had to look for some remedy for my wife to come. they can meet at our place. or a mall nearby, so the daughter can go alone or with someone else. let's set aside the feelings. but we still have other kids who needs attention, right? so if my wife wants to stay home, she will not come with her daughter. ahhhhhhhh. anyway, how are you doing now, dear auntie?
@mentalward (14695)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I'm doing fine, neil, as good as I can feel, anyway. I'm over that illness and have my energy back. I've been harvesting flower seeds the past two days because I want to plant them around our property to make it prettier next year. I'm still waiting (and being disappointed) for that check to come in the mail. I haven't heard a word from Social Security since they sent my approval letter. The letter stated that, if I did not hear from them within 60 days, I was to contact them. I hope it doesn't take over 60 days! It has been three weeks already. But, I kind of figured that they would take their time about sending the money because it took them seven years to approve me. It's the government. If they could move any slower, they would. So, how is everyone there? Healthy, I hope! Well, besides Zayzay's problem, of course. I hope, in the very near future, that you can tell me that he's breathing fine through the night and has no more sleep apnea. I can't wait for the day when he can be tested, then treated. Every day that the mail has nothing good in it for me seems like an eternity!
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
60 days? that's really a long time of waiting. but it's better than waiting years to get the approval. oh yes, i know things like that in the government. well, everyone is fine here, and that's besides Zayzay. i am also so excited and can't wait for him to be tested. i just wish there is no big deal about his condition. i mean, after the test, i hope it can a simple treatment and i don't want, i wish, it won't be an operation, because i don't want to see him suffering in pain.
@Hatley (164450)
• Garden Grove, California
22 Sep 09
hi neildc well my son gave my husband and me round trip tickets on the greyhound to visit his mom whom had never met me, and to stay through the christmas holidays.so while we were there my husband got this weird ideas he wanted to see his ex. Ihated the idea and stayed in the cab while he visited with his ex wife who was much fatter than me. He did not stay long and things were a tad cool between us all that day. I just did not see why he had to do that, and stilldont to be frank. I have been a widow for years. we had a great marriage and I dont think he had any thoughts about his ex really i think he was just curiousas my son was in his teens we had alreadybeen married a long time. he he he
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi patsie. she was fatter than patsie? and my wife's ex is older and yucky, as daughter told us after the meeting. that maybe one thing i felt better when they arrive home. the other guy is older and don't look better than this man.
@doryvien (2293)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Way to go,neil!
@thea09 (18327)
• Greece
22 Sep 09
Oh Hatley I'm so glad she was fatter than you: the whole situation must have actually annoyed you if you still can't understand it after all this time.
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
YOu know what, discuss with your wife what you feel... though as i really say... if ever my partner will meet the EX it's ok with me, that is if am included in the meeting, because that's the ethical thing for the EX to do knowing am already the partner... And as of the child seeing his biological father, I guess it can be done without your wife going to see her EX, it can be discuss by the father and the child, and whatever be the result of that discussion the father of the child can tell your wife what decisions been made through phone, not necessarily see her in person and without you being included in that discussion...
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
like what i have mentioned in your first response, the father have some guilty feelings for me. and if the daughter is matured enough and can go places without a companion, i won't let my wife go with her.
• Philippines
8 Jul 11
why is it that he has guilty feelings... towards you?
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
I think it is pretty natural to feel anxiety, doubts, jealousy and other insecurities if you happen to know that your partner is meeting with his/her ex. Though as of my opinion, I really don't like it if my partner will meet the EX alone or even together with the child... cause you two as partners are already together... so if the EX wants a meeting or something to discuss whatsoever, it is only ethical that me as the partner of his/her EX will be included in that dicussion... because am already involved in the life of his/her EX... And I feel it insulting if I am not included in that discussion... no matter how trivial the matter might be...
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
that's one thing i suggested, to let the meeting done in the house. it can took place at our place even if i am not around, say i just go out to some other place for that matter. but since, they said that the father has some guilty feelings to for me, they choose to meet elsewhere. but of course, i will not let it happen without the kids.
• Philippines
8 Jul 11
Well... that would be good...if it's in your house... plus... why would an EX feel guilty then...? if the he did not do anything wrong...?
@jaiho2009 (39001)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
Hello neil, I do understand what you were feeling right now,actually i admire your guts posting your personal life here in mylot.(salute) Ok,personally my opinion is "WHY NOT",for many years you have been living with your wife,i bet you know her better than i do,so,trusting her to met with her ex means,YOU TRUSTED HER THAT MUCH.So,why worry my dear?... And,besides,past is always a past,maybe the only connection they had now are the kids,but i believed it is not the reason for any reconcilation or ????????....whatever is in your mind right now. I am also facing such situation(thu i don't live with other partner,and i don't have any plan with having any).But i knew myself that..it would be hard and difficult to reconcile with my ex now.(pains/scars were enough to give me lessons) One more thing is,before you lived with your wife you knew very well about her past,so,i guess you have figured out what will be the consequences soon to arise with your situation.The father had all the rights to see and visit his kids and...it is his obligation to give support.(i am thankful,my ex were supporting his kids) And,your step-kids also has all the rights to met their father. I know this is one of the hardest situation to faced of,but,we must accept what is reality bound to cross our way.You are indeed a good man my friend,i never thought you were facing this kind of situation.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
hi jaiho. we are very open to each other about our past relationships. we both had kids with our past too. we know all about our kids and our past relationships, almost the history of our lives. i am truly happy with my step-kids to meet the father after almost 15 years. i know they are excited to see each other once again. and that's it, they met and had talked for the sake of the kids. i guess, that's all about it. i try to put away anything inside me. but like i said, i am just human and maybe, no one can blame me about this.
@pillusch (1149)
• Mexico
22 Sep 09
I find what you describe a very mature state of affairs. Why shouldn't they meet? When couples break up, there is always a lingering residue of resentment, even hate, you name it. As long as that persists, the relationship hasn't really ended. They truly break up when those negative feelings have disappeared, that's closure. And as two mature adults, again, why shouldn't they meet? I'd love to meet my first wife again, I met her 25 years ago, in Greece, we got married in England and split up 5 years later. I haven't heard from her since, but since that relationship has truly ended, and I have on the whole fond memories of it, I'd just love to have a chat with here. You didn't make clear in your post whether your two step-kids are his' kids, I guess they are. So they really have to continue to talk things over, even wheter they like it or not. Good Luck to you.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
hi pill. the boy is her son with also another man but this father of the girl, who is younger, claims to be the father. and he was already there in the picture while she was pregnant and until he was born. biologically, not his, and not mine too. well, the meeting was all about the kids, especially the schooling of their daughter, on how he will support her. i just hope, nothing more. i let them meet again, and i wish it could be the last for them. of course, he can always see her daughter but if they can meet without my wife, i think that would be better.
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
This is a pretty difficult situation you are in. I think it is good if you discuss your feelings with your wife. It will help when she knows you are honest about your feelings and she might give you the reassurance so you won't have to over-think things. Sometimes when we lay our cards on the table with our partners the outcome is amazing and we are given the peace of mind that we deserve. I admire you for choosing what will be best for your step-daughter. The support from the father will be of great help. Have you also thought about meeting the ex-partner? You are the husband and I don't see anything wrong with you at least shaking his hand and being there for and with your wife. I don't know how you feel about this suggestion though. All the best!
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
actually, we both been from different partners before we met. and we both know that we have kids from the past. when i came to visit my homeplace, i also met with me ex and she knows about it. of course, we never talked about her feelings then. so this time, it her turn and we choose not to talk about mine too. i guess it would be fine. but thank you for the suggestion. if i can find the right time, i may but i am not sure how to talk about it.
@anne25penn (3310)
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
They are his kids anyway. I would not say anything and would not be worried. You might be thinking what if they get back together, etc, etc. You wife did tell you that she will be meeting with her ex. I would be worried if you found out about the meeting from someone else and your wife denied meeting with her ex.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
23 Sep 09
for the kids sake. and yes, i know it from the start that they are going to meet. there seems to be nothing, but of course, i am only human and i can't help but to feel something. it's kinda weird to have it though.
• Algeria
22 Sep 09
i claim to be comprehensive and openminded but no to that extant dude in any relation there are boundries we should not go beyond put in mind that if your wife or girlfriend meet with that person and even if they don't show any shady attitudes towords eachother they are humans, what they might be saying in their minds and the first things they would experience after they meet is remembering at least one thing happened to them when they were together not necessary a good thing but this experience itself without cheating is odd and i would defenetly not advise you to accept such a move... 2- you are as you said a human being, and even if you trust your wife a hundred percent you would have a bad feeling about the situation itself ......... this is a path that leads to the unknown
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
i set my boundaries, but for the sake of the kids, i let them meet. that was almost 15 years when they last together, so being a father, i also understand how her ex feels to see the kids once again. but i will not let them see each other more often, of course. besides, we still have other kids who needs the attention of the mother.
• Philippines
22 Sep 09
hello neidc, it seems that you have a big heart allowing your wife to meet with her ex. If i were in your situation with the current state of my mind right now, i would be soo furious, doubt and jealous knowing they had kids..am not actually that open-minded when it comes to loving some one with kids..no offense. but you are in that case, so i suggest you trust her, she chose you and you're hers. . so, try not to doubt her since you're in that situation.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
no doubt really, buddy. but there seems to be inside me, that i can't really explain very well. but so far, everything is fine and well.
@jterrock (277)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I guess I have a different view on all this. I am dating someone who is friends with her ex. One of my ex's is one of my best friends...she is with a man now. It doesn't bother me one bit that she is friends with her ex. And...it doesn't bother my gf at all that I am best friends with my ex. This could be really confusing! haha. My point is this. If you trust your partner and he or she trusts you, then there shouldn't be any problem. I know my partner would never cheat on me and I would NEVER cheat on her either. We have both been cheated on, and we know how it feels and we both agreed that we would not want to put each other through that. I don't see a problem being friends with your ex. Especially if there are children involved. The children come first and foremost. If you had kids with your ex, you should keep a civil relationship for the children. It is very HARD for children to go through divorce in the first place. I just figure that if you trust your partner, there shouldn't be any issue. I am not saying it wasn't hard for me to accept my partner being friends with her ex at first. But, I know better and know she is faithful to me. I am just rambling now...lol.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi jterrock. that is really something confusing. but true you said, it's TRUST that should have been there, in the first place. they actually broke-up about the same year when me and my wife met. she left her because she caught her with another woman. and that was the first point that she never wanted to be cheated again, of course by me. and so i try to be as faithful as i can and she does it to.
22 Sep 09
Hi Neil, Well if children are involve, they have the right to see their father but I wouldn't worry too much about it but that sistuation ha never happened to me and if my husband ex turns up, well I just tell her where to get off, i would take my broomstick to her, hehehe. Hugs. Tamara
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
hi tamara. well well well. it's all for the kids sake and nothing more, i hope.
@doryvien (2293)
• United States
22 Sep 09
As an outsider, your wife is meeting with an ex because of the kids - that is one reason that makes the whole thing valid. The kids deserve to know who their father is and personally meet him, and only their mother can best introduce them to their estranged father. If you are confident that your wife now cares only about you, and not the ex, and if that only purpose is because of the kids, then I see no reason for your worry. Personally, it's okay with me if this is the reason - to discuss the future of the kids. But if not, I would like to know first why they need to see each other, a "for old time's sake" reason won't be acceptable to me.
@neildc (17253)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
22 Sep 09
definitely, it's all about the kids and nothing more.