Love to sing but my husband says I do not have time now that he needs 24/7 care

@suspenseful (40316)
Canada
September 22, 2009 10:59am CST
My husband says that now that he is getting worse, that I will have to give up a lot of things, and one of the things he says is my singing, and also my writing. He also said that I would only have time for choir, but it was only in the last two years that i have had enough confidence to sing a solo and besides I just do one piece a season, not like Trevor who can sing four at a time. So I cannot see why I have to go back to just choir singing where I do not have to put forth the effort to let everyone in the back hear my voice as there are at least 20 others. It is not as if I am young, I am past middle age, and I cannot say "ah wait he will be dead in a couple of years and I can catch up," because the understanding is that once you reach a certain age, your voice lowers. Now mine has not. I has stayed the same and just got more resonant, and i can sing high, but who knows? If I do not practice it might go to what the normal plus 50 female voice is like. So should I stop what I am doing and just concentrate on choir or try for the one piece every concert?
5 people like this
24 responses
@sblossom (2170)
23 Sep 09
I really feel sorry for your situation. For looking after your husband you have to give up your own interests. I think for time being you should give up these interests if they really take the time that you should spend for your husband. it's life. it's your responsibity and duty to take care of him when he needs you. I wish you can find a person who can help you to look after your husband, then you can continue your singing and writing. you are lucky that you have talent in singing. One day you will have chance to show your talent in stage.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
I am still doing my writing and my singing. He can hear me when I practice singing so it is not as if I go away and leave him alone unless there is someone there to fill in for me. And usually there is. For instance, I have to go to the school for the singing practice as I do not have a piano, and on choir practice in the church, someone usually comes in, but at the time I started this discussion there was just three who could come. Now there are five, so there is always some help.
@sblossom (2170)
7 Dec 09
I'm glad you can balance the issues well now. I can understand how painful it would be if you have to give up your own interest. I made some giving up to my hobby. I want to write then make some money. however so far it can't support my life cost. So I have to go out to do some physical work. it's really frustrating, but for the money I have to go. I work 12 hours at night. really tired. glad to hear your voice again and best regards.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
13 Dec 09
In feel it is bad that you had to give up so much because you had to work and believe that is why you gave the advice you did. I have not been able to do much until we retired, but then even before that, I still sang and practice writing stories for my own amusement. I am sort of against being a martyr unless it is dying for Christ, so there is always a way to get ahead. That means if one only has five minutes to sing or practice a scale or five minutes to write a few lines, that that counts for something. Of course, with painting you need more and it is expensive. and with singing, I can do it anytime, like when I am looking after my husband or taking a shower. Just that the songbook will get wet.
@stephcjh (32327)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I think you should do what you feel is best for yourself. I know your husband needs cared for but still. You are a living and breathing human being also and you have needs too. I hope your husband will understand.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
He is beginning to understand, but sometimes he just frustrates me because he feels that sometimes he is the king of the universe and that he is more important. I am continuing my singing and I will be able to sing solo at the concert so that is no problem. I think as long as he does not start to feel sorry for himself, things will work out all right.
@suzzy3 (8358)
23 Sep 09
I am sorry but why should You give up what you enjoy if you don't want to.He maybe very ill and beleave me I feel sorry for him it must be awful for the both of you.You carry on with your hobbies as much as you can.He sounds depressed maybe there is something he can do like paint ect.jigsaws to keep him occupied have a word with the nurse and see what is available to him.Your life is not over ,but it will feel like it if you give up all your enjoyment.Take care sue.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
I think he gets depressed. Our family doctor has proscribed some pills for him when he gets low. The trouble is that if he takes too many, he may be addicted to them. Now that I know that he has als, we are getting some medicine that will get rid of his depression that is not addictive, so I hope that will help. The trouble is that it is expensive and the only way to get it free is for our province to pay for it, so the als doctor has made an application to the province to get it.
@arkansos (546)
• India
23 Sep 09
depends on you really. I don't knpow your situtation completely. What do you mean when you say your husband needs 24/7 care. I know I maybe terribly wrong in assuming that this is a classis case of chauvinism. If it is, just keep singing I see nothing wrong with that
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
What that means is that he cannot be alone. He has to have someone in the house with him. It does not mean in the same room or having in one's sight as some people think or having my eye on it. It just means that I or someone has to be around so if he calls or if he starts gasping for air (a possibility when his als gets near the end) they will be able to get to him lickity split. Oh and he is sort of bossy.
@kitty42 (3912)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Hello Do what you feel is best, I can tell you have a alot of respect for your husbands wishes, but you have to think of yourself as well, its great for us to make others happy but don't lose yourself in the process my friend. Thank you.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
That sounds like a good idea. I cannot do everything my husband wants. For one thing, he wants me to buy stuff that is not healthy for me, and another thing is that if I stop singing, i will eventually lose my range or have it shortened considerably as I am at the age where I have to practice every day. So I am not giving up my singing.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
22 Sep 09
he might need 24/7 care but you can do the practicing in the room he is in he might beg you to go and practise where you use too. really my hubby would run me to puter room think he got tired of me watching him!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
23 Sep 09
I will have to find some big strong men to move the organ into the bedroom. but it would probably interfere with his Tv watching and his ipod. Amyway, he has a power chair and the bedroom is close enough so he can hear my practicing.
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
23 Sep 09
CAnt see where there is a problemas it is something ya want to do . I know he is ill but there isnt any reason that you cant go on with your singing to heck with his tv and Ipod you need this for yourself! and with the care you give him you need an outlet to relax yourself!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
24 Sep 09
There are friends who will look after him. And even though he will be no longer able to move, he could at least operate the power wheel chair (we are going to get an incline one) and he can listen to my singing. Also we are going to get a lift in the church and with the improvements -incline wheelchair, he could even come and listen to my singing. But as for submission, most of us wives do it all the time, when the husband asks us to get him a cup of coffee. But sometimes people think it means, that whatever the husband says, goes, or when he says jump, you ask how high? Or as I used to think, he will only say no anyway.
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
28 Sep 09
I would do it, it is not like it will take that much away from him. You can not put your life on hold, you will begin to resent him. This is the way I feel. Have a great day.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
14 Dec 09
The concert was a success. I was the only soloist there and no one noticed the mistakes I made. I do would like to get a piano and after I save and pay for the lap top computer, I am going to save for one.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
I am not that far away and besides he will have someone to look after him on the hour I go for practice. I also have a cell phone so that if there is anything wrong, they can give me a call and it is not that the school where I take the singing lessons is that far away. I can walk home. oH and I am singing a solo in the Christmas concert. Now if only he would let me get a piano.
@jezzmay (1845)
• United States
7 Dec 09
That will be great, I pray he will let you have one. I wish the best in the Christmas play. I know you will be great, You seem to have a passion for singing. Have a great day.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31615)
• United States
23 Sep 09
He is being unreasonable but doesn't realize it, I'm sure. Don't give up your singing! I know he is ill but you should not sacrifice your life and interests. You have to do a bit of that, sure, but you'll have a life after he's gone and the fewer pieces you have to pick up, the less painful it will be to deal with his loss. I know you love him but you have to realize that he is completely centered on himself right now and incapable of thinking what's best for you.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (31615)
• United States
7 Dec 09
I'm quite sure it's the illness that is making him this way. I want you to have everything you need to make you happy since I'm quite fond of you but your husband is faced with an illness that he knows will kill him. Probably all he thinks about is how to extend his life--it has nothing to do with his love for you, it's self preservation. It affects his thinking. It is how we are built, for survival! You and your husband have married, raised children, loved, lived together and laughed. Now, he can't think of anything except how to get as much of that as he can. He can't see that he is depriving you. I hope you understand this. It doesn't make it easier but you can at least take comfort in the fact that he is trying to preserve your life together the best way he knows how. My stepmother, a wonderful woman who I love dearly, is going through a somewhat similar situation. She's 81, full of energy and very social. My dad has heart problems and his pacemaker has problems that can't be solved. When the lead to the heart goes, it goes and nothing can help it because surgery will kill him. Likewise, knee replacement will kill him. He can't get around anymore and can die at any time. We love him, treasure him, but my stepmother is a prisoner because of her love for him. Those that sacrifice for the ones they love are recognized. I will be here for my stepmother after my dad is gone. Your children will be there for your when your husband has moved on and is waiting for you. It's late, I'm tired and I don't know where this is supposed to go in my mind but you are a courageous woman who has given up a lot for love and you will be rewarded in this life or the next. I hope that it's both!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
13 Dec 09
I am sure it is the illness. He knows he is going to die and he is a little depressed right now. I am still singing and when he has passed, I might be able to take the lessons I was unable to do because of the cost. I just hope that my age is not against me. I also plan to get a piano - after I get and paid for the laptop computer because I feel that the organ is not that good - it is a spinet one, and that with the piano I can practice my singing more.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
22 Sep 09
Absolutely not! Unless you need to. It is very selfish of him. You still need a life. Check into what services that he can get to provide help for him. You will need it just for the break.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
24 Sep 09
We are doing that, but even that does not help. He even told me not to play the organ and sing today because the physiotherapist was coming over. I mean my voice is not that bad that it would scare them away. And when someone is coming over to help, even if I know they will be late, he thinks I should sit down and wait for an hour before they come.
@Thoroughrob (11750)
• United States
24 Sep 09
I would tell him that it helps you to relieve stress and you don't want to give it up.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60884)
• United States
22 Sep 09
just tell him that you love him but you aren't going to stop living because he's decided to do so and keep doing what you need to do to stay sane
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
That is what I feel. He has now started to come to church and realizes that he cannot make me stop living just because he is going to die in a couple of years or less. So I am going to continue singing.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60884)
• United States
6 Dec 09
1 person likes this
• United States
22 Sep 09
OMG. You have posted many discussion regarding your husband selfishness. Personally I do not know how you stand it. Does the man not realize he is depending on you for his survival? He should be kissing the ground you walk on instead of his constant demands. Why do you not tell him that you need some pleasure in your life to keep you going. I would have threatened him long before now that I would leave him to fend for himself if he did not stop his constant demands! You will be a real downtrodden fool if you allow him to deprive you of the little pleasures you get out of life. JUST TELL HIM NO!
1 person likes this
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
22 Sep 09
AMEN!!!! I could not have sqaid it better!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
24 Sep 09
Not as easy since his condition is getting worse, but I am not going to let him stop my singing or my practice. I feel if he did not complain about his sister sewing all the time, or his mother cooking all the time, he should not complain about my singing. It is not as if he is abandoned. There is home care and respite. And I have friends who will help me.
@mtdewgurl74 (18118)
• United States
24 Sep 09
It is something you love and enjoy. I'm telling you if it was me I would hope my husband would let me have that little piece of joy that he knows it would bring me. I don't want you in trouble but I would heartily say go for it and keep it up. It is something you enjoy and why take it away from yourself. I hate to say it and don't think bad of me but if it was my husband.. I would tell him he was selfish for wanting to take it away.You only get a few chances in life to enjoy things and every time stuff get put off it gets pushed further back on the burner and before you know it it is to late and you missed out on it. You do so much for everyone else why not keep doing this one thing for yourself. I would think of i as your reward for doing all you do and sticking in there..and for all the other stuff you have given up since your husband has fallen ill.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
I still remember how I felt when my father sold the piano. The only chance I had to play on one was when I went to a friend's house who had one and only if it was not covered with the red velvet cloth or whatever. So that meant that most times I never got to use one. I was not that good pianist, but it did help me with to play a tune and it was not until I was in my 50s that I was able to buy an organ and a 2nd hand one at that and that was when I could renew my dream of singing in front of an audience sans the choir. That meant I could play the tune. But I have to practice singing every day or else. I am singing a solo in the concert and I want to be good.
• Canada
24 Sep 09
Personally I think you should get a little help in careing for your husband, whether it's home care, or a local volunteer, or the VON or something like that. I don't think that one person should have to completely give up themselves to totally care for another. my husband was a care-giver for a loved one who needed 24-7 care and he eventually BURNT OUT. I think it's a good idea to care for your husband most of the time, but have someone to call, when you need a break.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
7 Dec 09
We are now getting help. At least five of my friends have offered to help, and two of them are taking turns when I go for choir practice, and two of them when I go for singing lessons. I do not want to get burnt out. I know how I felt when I was telemarketing and did not like that one bit. And I am singing solo at the Christmas Concert and I need all the practice I can get.
@riyasbass (121)
• India
23 Sep 09
I think you should not give up your hobbies .The art of singing and writing are the gifts given by god to you.Never leave it behind.As your husband need your care its better to reduce the time that you devoted to these activities.If you are not able to continue this condition you should make him know how valuable these arts are. BE A FRIEND OF YOUR HUSBAND.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
God gave me this ability and I use it to glorify HIS NAME so I figure that God will open the heart of my husband and since my husband now goes to church after all these years since we married, I have had no problem. When I go for practice, there is someone who comes and stays with him and he does not mind my singing at home either.
@KrauseHome (35277)
• United States
23 Sep 09
Wow this is a hard situation to be in for sure, and since you still have a lot of a singing voice left I can see your wanting to still sing Solos and such by yourself from time to time as well. Personally for the most part I would have a talk with your husband and explain to him your Love for singing and see if there is a way he might be able to compromise as well. Yes, he does need you right now and I am sure you are a big support but you need some time to enjoy life still outside of taking care of him as well. I will be Praying and wishing you always the Best my friend.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
I still intend to sing. He has realized that I am good at it and also since he is now going to Church and heard me at the concert, that this is not a passing thing. In fact, had circumstances not gone the way and if I had been encouraged at singing when I was in my teens by my father, and he had not sold the piano, things might have gone different.
@malamar (784)
• Canada
23 Sep 09
Suspenseful, I do not know your whole situation, so I am posting this will all due respect. Even a professional caretaker is not required to be on duty 24/7. I have been in a situation with someone requiring fulltime homecare, and I am telling you, it cannot be done. You need time to refresh, regroup, and take care of yourself also. This is very important for your emotional and physical health and well-being. Whether you are singing, writing, or flipping cartwheels on the front lawn, is irrelevent. Whatever gives you a lift, or recharges your batteries, is the activity you must pursue. If you burn out, then you are of no use to him whatsoever.
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
I am glad to get the input of someone who knows what I am going through. I do need a break not just now and then, but everyday. I do that by writing, singing, or cooking or going for short wALKS. We do get home care and my friends will help me. I have enough so if I have lessons on night, one of them will stay with him while I AM gone. I am not going to give up singing I love that too much.
@slickcut (8141)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I understand your husband is sick but you cannot give up your life to care for him 24/7...I mean if thats what you WANT to do then fine....but i think you should get some help...maybe a nurse come in , you should be able to get that through medicare.....If you spend 24/7 with your husband , you are going to end up hating the entire situation , and that is not good.....I have been reading your discussions ever since i have been on mylot and that is a long time....You husband (I am sorry to say this . , so please do not be offended) but by what all you have told us, your husband is somewhat of a controlling person, it seems you have to ask his permission for anything you do...Its going to come down to the point that you are going to go down with your husband if you do not have nay joy in your life...I am sure your husband is not really active so what are you supposs to do? sit & look at him?..After he eats & he gets comfortable you have time to write, and be on the computer, if your husband really needs 24 hour a day care, then maybe you could consider a nursing facility....or at least have help come in.....He has long term illness & it will ruin your health as well.............
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
We are getting home care and some of our friends do take turn looking after him. The 24 hour care means that one has to be within calling distance or a short walking distance and be able to anticipate if anything will go wrong. He does have a power wheelchair so he can wheel in and my practice room is always open so he can hear me. I do not like the idea of a nursing home. That would mean less time to practice, because then I would have to get on the bus since i do not drive, to visit him. As for living in one, forget it. They do have pianos there in the main halls, but you have to get permission to use them and I suppose me not being famous, yet.===
@artistry (4154)
• United States
22 Sep 09
...Hi suspenseful, Respect your husband but explain to him nicely that you enjoy your singing, and that it helps you to cope with life, including him. Don't make him feel bad, but let him know your singing reduces your level of stress. It is a healthy thing to sing, it is also exercising your lungs and increasing your breathing capacity. So make your case by respecting him but telling him you will continue to sing. If you stop, you will resent your husband in my opinion and that is why you need to sing. Don't stop, this helps you in many ways. Life is too short to wait for things that we don't even know will happen, I'm sorry to say it this way, because you want him to live, but he could be here until, why would you tie your singing to when he is gone? Sing now! Take care.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
6 Dec 09
I told him I love to sing. And I told him I am going to sing for the concert and not just the choir. Last Christmas I was really itching to sing a solo, but I was awfully tired then. But right after the Spring concert when I did a solo, I decided to check through my singing books for a Christmas piece so I could sing it by heart. He has heard my sing it a few times = every day in fact, and he has not complained yet.
@blackbriar (9080)
• United States
22 Sep 09
I know your husband is sick and all but it sounds like he's is trying to stop you from enjoying life being he no longer can do what he wants to do. I believe you should go for your dream, suspenseful. You only get this chance once in your lifetime. Go for it!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
24 Sep 09
I intend to. I mean I have always been nervous to sing around him because I am a classicist and he is more inclined for popular and westerm music so he thinks only people who have low voices can sing and us with high voices cannot. That could part of the reason, or it could be that he thinks that creative stuff that is not sewing or cooking for women is a waste of time, just like some of my friends think that i should only be writing children's books.
@horsesrule (1960)
• United States
22 Sep 09
If you give up your singing, you will most likely burn out faster on taking care of your sick husband. It is not realistic to think that you can take care of him by yourself 24/7. I hope you will be able to get someone in to help you now and again because if you burn out and are unable to take care of him at all, then it's the rest home for him. You will need your singing to keep your sanity as you care for him. And if he is telling you to quit now, I am so sorry, he will only get more and more demanding until he won't let you leave his side, ever. He will eventually make you hate him so much that, well, let's just say, he will be sorry. This has been my experience.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
23 Sep 09
We do have respite care and I asked some of my friends to help out on Wednesday nights when I do my choir practice. And I do not want to give up singing that solo. I wanted to sing two songs at first, but figured with having to make arrangements with the accompanist to open up the church since I do not have a piano, I would not have enough time, and if I alreaady gave up one, no sense giving it all up. And the choir practice is more demanding then the actual solo, so why does he not say "just sing one song at the concert and forget the choir," but no.