My 4 year relationship ended last week, and I am totally confused

@BethTN81 (564)
United States
September 24, 2009 9:32pm CST
I had been seeing a guy for almost 4 years and it ended last week abruplty. We were not totally happy, but the break up honestly shocked me. I thought things were getting better, but apparently not. He said we were not compatible and we are better off just friends because the relationship is too stressful for the both of us. He was right about that but I am still confused. When we first got together he just got out of a 17 year marriage. That was the FIRST sign I should have stayed away. He did treat me like a queen. Fine dining, jewelry and gifts. I was the luckiest girl in the world! Then, we moved in together. That wasn't the easiest thing to deal with either. After 3 month of living together he started missing his ex-wife, but I was hooked. I did not want o leave him. He would come in from work and would start to criticize how I cleaned house. He also got really angry one time because I forgot to pay the Home Deopt bill, and he had to drive 20 miles to pay it so late fees would not be added on. I apologized for that, but he still would not let it go. His family then got involved and I became miserable so I moved out of his house but we still did not break up. I still ended up spending more time at his house than my own then, and he expected it. My son, who was 5 at the time feared me boyfriend. He was to be seen and not heard and was not able to be a playful little boy because Chris would yell at him. Chri's daughter would come to visit and was so mean to my son to the point where she would SPIT in his face and daddy did nothing. He thought it was funny. We fought all the time. He called me a poor excuse for a mother and a stupid b*tch on many occasions, but I still stayed with him. His own mother said he was a cruel man, and he said he didn't even like his mother, and did not want us to end up like his parents which are alcoholics and gambling addicts. Now, his reason for the break up is he wants to hang out in bars and go to casinos because that was what he was raised with and that is what he calls FUN. He used to tell me that he hated those things because that was all the mattered to his parents as a kid was alcohol and poker machines. Now he wants to do those things? I find out he was hanging out with a ladt at a bar right before he broke up with me. Nothing happened with them. He was actually the designated driver, but he let me know she was tall, slender and fairly attractive! Also, he realized that he would rather spend time with people he had things on common with than go to church with me. He alsways talked about my weight b/c I gained alot while we were together, but never encouraged me to live a healthy lifestyle. I was always fat, but he sure would make fun of me if I asked him to go walking with me. He also would force me to do things in bed that I did not want to do and would not stop til I cried. The list just goes on and on. He was so cruel to me, and I could not tell you how many times I wanted to end my life just so he would not put me down. I only stayed with him because I thought he would take care of me, and I told myself that I could handle the abuse as long as I was taken care of. Now he is done with me. I know we do NOT need to be together, but I can't shake him., I don't want to get mad at him or hate him, but he was so mean! I apologized to him so many times for things that weren't even my fault just so he would stop yelling. Why am I confused? Why do I feel alone? Why do I worry about him? I do want him to be happy, but I know he won't til he makes some changes, and since he is 40, I seriously doubt he wil change now. What do I do? All I want to do is call and talk to him, but at the same time the sound of his voice and the thought of looking at him makes me sick! How do I get him off my mind?
2 people like this
15 responses
@BStuff (498)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Honey, not even finishing the first paragraph I got the feeling you should be celebrating. He sounds like a bad man and it sounds like you know hes a bad man . You should be so happy. You are lucky to be rid of that bad man. He may have started out good. But most guys or relationships do but people change and I think you deserve much better. You deserve a man who treats your child right and who treats you right. You need someone who will lift you up instead of break you down. Now, with this finally breaking you free. I think you should really do some soul searching of yourself. I also think you need to start doing this you love that make you feel good about yourself. You need to improve your self esteem, I don't know you personally but I know I was just like you (except my relationship lasted 8 years and his name was Chris too, creepy) anyways I realized one of my biggest problems was I didnt realize I was worth so much more. I thought I deserved what I got. I let him treat me the way he did. Now I work out, I'm about to graduate from school, I'm so out going and happy. I think you are an amazing girl and you just have to see the potiental you have. You will never again let anyone get to you without your promission and even mroe they will not be allowed to get to your child because let me tell you if my bf or his family spit in my kids face (I dont have a child) or my neice/nephews face I would be in jail right now or at least on house arrest depending how quickly someone interveined. Do me a favor and go find this song on youtube and listen to it. It's called Believe In Me by Demi Lovato. Listen to the words. I think it could really touch you. Believe in yourself. That's what's going to set you free from this relationship!
2 people like this
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Wowm, you people rock! Chris really isn't a bad man, we had wonderful times together too, but he has MANY issues. I am walking everyday. Eating better, and trying my best to do better. Thanks for the advice! It is honestly amazing how total strangers can help you out :)
1 person likes this
@jellymonty (2358)
26 Sep 09
sounds like you're suffering from low self esteem which believe it or not raises the horrible act abuse of every kind. I say raise your self esteem and begin to understand that you so much more worth than what you think you are. Nobody deserves to be abused and it's time you stand up against bullying or abuse of any kind. If I were you, I would burn everything he ever gave me, delete ALL his contact details and if possible move far away from him.
1 person likes this
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
27 Sep 09
Wellm I made the horrible mistake of taking some of his belongings to his house last Friday when he was night there, and to my surprise another lady had been staying there. The rage hit me. I picked up her things and threw them all over the bedroom, and threw his stuff all over his driveway. Then picked it all up bc I felt bad lol. I left him a note telling him how disgraceful he is for hoppinh in bed with someone he does not know and I honestly thought he was better than that(found out SHE was the rason for the break up). I also gave him my jewelry he gave me(should have at least pawned it for money) and retunred his house key. Said for him to never contact me again, had his cell phone cut off and changed my number. I was so hurt by this other woman(people have seen her and said she looked like TOTAL trash), but after speaking to so great Christian people and friends and family I feel much better. I commited a childish act and never should have gone out there but at least I have hit my low and the only other way is up now. I am going to be in counseling, and have realized that he was wrong for me from day one. I knew it all along but just didnt want to be alone. I still have some hurt, but I know that now I am free of this burden that every day will be easier, and I am so blessed to have friends(and stranger like you all) to help me thru this.
• United States
25 Sep 09
I have been where you are right now. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for over a year before he finally left me. I was heartbroken. But I learned a lot. The fact that you stayed with him for so long is evidence of low self-esteem. You don't think you can do better, but you can. You want to blame yourself for the dissolution of this relationship, but this did NOT happen because there's something wrong with you. This happened because this man is incapable of loving another human being, and instead of him wondering why he doesn't feel close to anyone and working on his own issues he brings other people down so he doesn't have to think about how he feels about himself. His treatment of you throughout the entire relationship is not a statement about you, it's a statement about him and his character. Your son is your number one priority right now. This man was disrespectful towards your son and that is not acceptable. Every time you think you want to get back together with this man you just think, "This man was disrespectful towards my son, I don't want to have anything to do with him, and this unbelievable manchild doesn't deserve my attention." And from now on that needs to be your gauge for all your relationships. If the man is disrespectful towards your son or just allows their child to be disrespectful towards your son, then it's over. The man you're dating will likely be a role model for your son, and you need to think not only about how your son is treated but also what kind of man you want your son to be. For now the best thing for you to do is distract yourself. Spend time with friends, get a new hobby, maybe take some classes to learn something new that you've always wanted to learn. I know it's nearly impossible to believe right now, but you will get through this. It won't be easy and it may take years, but one day you will wake up and find that you have healed. Just keep reminding yourself that the fact that this is affecting you so much means that you have the capacity to love someone, and that's good news for you and good news for your son.
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
This guy is not even able to spank his own children b/c his ex-wife said he was abusive to them. I never had the opportunity to speak to her but he had me convinced they were lies and his family as the reason for the divorce and it really wasn't his fault.I cannot believe I bought that! Wow! I was with a total loser huh? The sad thing is, he is coming to get some of his belongings tomorrow, and I really am not looking forward to it. I want his stuff out of my house, but I know he is going to be a total jerk tomorrow. Maybe I will try to have someone here with me while he is here. He won't act out if I am alone. Yeah, and another thing. When I used to talk to people about how he treated me and he found out I always go fussed at for it. He did not want anyone knowing how he really was but EVERYONE saw it. So many people told me they knew I was miserable, but they knew I had to figure it out for myself. I have been burned this time and hopefully I will not let this happen again! Thanks for the kind comments. Sometimes it is hard to face the truth, but I had to in order to heal.
1 person likes this
@gelay07 (589)
• Philippines
25 Sep 09
you better wake up now.. you are still dreaming and its time to face reality. try to re assess things that had happened when you were together. first thing you should consider is your son's welfare and safety. you are in a situation where you wanted to be taken cared and love but with the wrong man. don't allow yourself to be abused by that trash guy.. he is not worth it. time, already paved the way for you to be able to get away from that hell life. sorry. It's time to move on and help yourself to overcome him because he is definitely NOT for you... talk to your family or friends instead of talking to him.
1 person likes this
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I did not want to face the reality that he is not that great of a person, and now I am beginning to see what others see. I don't look at myself as a victim but as someone who can hopefully learn from this experience. He is NOT a good person and for years I lied to myself trying to convince myself he was. Now he is bored with me and I am tossed to the side like yesterdays trash. Well, I guess it is really a good thing. Now I can heal. I just hope the next woman that comes along in his life is smarter and gets out of it quicker than I did. No one deserves that. I just hate to think that he will do it to someone else, but that is not my problem.
1 person likes this
• Malaysia
25 Sep 09
The only advice that I can give to is just stay away from him. Maybe you fell its super hard but hold on to it. Time is a powerful thing to smooth things up. Go traveling and put a peace to your mind. Before you make a decision remember, love yourself before you love someone. God bless you.
1 person likes this
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I am trying my best to keep from contacting him. The only think I can do for him right now is pray for him, and that I do every day. I pray for myself too.
1 person likes this
@EARLZHAN (934)
• Philippines
25 Sep 09
I think you should wait for the right time to talk to him. When try to talk to him if you know that he's in the mood to have a conversation with you. You should convince him to clear all the things and again ask an apology for all the things that you've done although you said that it wasn't you fault. Then if he didn't accept you that's the time that you should learn to forget him. Relationships only lasts if both of you are trying to understand and support each other. I will share this verse to you from the Bible "Romans 8:28" in that verse you can find that all things work together for good. Meaning if failed today it's because God has a good plan for you much better than you have before.
1 person likes this
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
Thanks. God also heals the brokenhearten. I know I will be ok, its just kinda lonley every now and then.
1 person likes this
@mensab (4208)
• Philippines
25 Sep 09
i could feel your difficulty. being hooked with a person for quite sometime and getting used with that person's ways, you may find it really difficult to unhook and detach from the familiar ways, no matter how hurtful and distasteful they were. i could sense you are a good person. hold on to that. you deserve better than what you are feeling. if you can renew or travel, go ahead. wish you the best because you deserve it.
@BethTN81 (564)
• United States
25 Sep 09
I AM a good person. I just lost a sense of who I was for so long. THANK YOU! I am actually going away with my church group next weekend to the Smoky Mountains. I am sure that will be great therapy for me
1 person likes this
• Philippines
26 Sep 09
I am sorry to hear what happened. Love is indeed blind, would you not agree? Admittedly I still have not bailed the coop yet but I admire you for standing up and ditching that guy. It is normal to miss that person. You have been with him for four years. You have sacrificed so much. You have gotten acustomed of having him around. However, what happened was best for the both of you. It is not nice to be compared to somone. It is not nice to demoralize a lady. His mom is right he is a cruel man. He does not know how to respect a lady. You are still healing the wounds so no use trying to deliberately get him off your hairline. Anyways what is your favorite hobby? I like arts and craft do you want to share an idea how we can save mother earth through recycling? Are you good in business want a partner? Well whatever it is that keeps you preoccupied then let's hear it. Do not worry much about feeling the pain. In time you will find that you are a better person. I do not know if I can say that for myself but I am still hopeful.
1 person likes this
• Melbourne, Australia
25 Sep 09
I feel your pain of the breakup, but I know in time you will see it's best for you & your son. What a cruel man, his daughter seems to be heading downn that same path & people like that feed off peoples emotions.
1 person likes this
@zed_k4 (17627)
• Singapore
25 Sep 09
He sounds bad news to me. while you still can, stay away from this man. If I'm right, guys like him are whom moms warn their daughters about..let it be painful for you now, rather than in future when things have gotten out of hand. Take care, yeah...don't worry so much...
1 person likes this
@croamer (165)
• Taiwan
25 Sep 09
Hey hey, calm down, let the time heal you, and I do believe the Man not deserve your love obviously, maybe I'd suggest you to find another man that may help you to get rid of the cruel man from your mind.
1 person likes this
@junmae (1592)
• Philippines
25 Sep 09
I cant believe that you still have the courage to stay with him for 4 years. You suffered from so much abuse and knowin also your son suffers too. He humiliated you so much and not even respect you. I think the break up between you and your partner is the way of god to release you from nightmare. Be thankful that finally he is out of your way. I thing you are just afraid to be alone but good guy are still around and you only have to wait for him. Your a woman and shouldnt be treated like that. Take care of your son.
1 person likes this
@superaren (209)
• China
25 Sep 09
I wish you good luck!
1 person likes this
@Rainegurl (2158)
• Philippines
25 Sep 09
Hi, Beth I do not know the correct answer to your question. But I really want to tell you that, even if I do not know you, I do not think that you deserve to be called a b*tch. As to the things you said he has done to you, there is no excuse for such cruelty How about this, Beth. Be thankful that he has let you go. Grab the opportunity. Learn to appreciate how wonderful life is when you do not have to live on the edge. Just open your eyes and your heart. I have a hunch that you can do it. I mean, you survived 4 years of living like you described. Surely, just with yourself and your son, with love and without cruelty life would be a much easier. Take care of yourself, girl.
1 person likes this
5 Jan 10
Well hopefully by now you are celebrating.