Why is he pushing this issue?

United States
September 28, 2009 6:18am CST
Some of you may remember I recently started a discussion which said that an ex girlfriend of my hubby's has recently sent him a friend request on Facebook. My husband of course denies the request. Well at first he didn't even remember who she was because of her name change, so he messaged her to ask who she was. She responded with her maiden name, then he did remember, but he decided to be funny and respond again claiming he still didn't remember. So that was a couple weeks ago. He never got another return message, I figure the woman just gave up. The other night I signed on to my husband's page to play with one of his apps, he knows I do this, and he's never cared. I don't bother with any of his stuff, just the apps because of the long hours he works. So while I'm on, one of hubby's male friends sends him a chat message. This male friend happens to also have the ex on his friends list. As soon as he says Hi I let him know that I'm not my husband by saying "This is not him". Apparently he didn't get the message because he then says "What's this about you don't remember...". I repeat that it's not him, it's me.. and he drops the conversation. The very next day I had hubby's page up letting one of his apps run, but I wasn't near the computer. Hubby was actually home at the time but also not near the computer. When I came back to the computer the same friend had messaged again "Is this him or her?" Why is this friend (who's also married, but most likely not faithful) pushing the issue between my hubby and his ex?? Does this sound innocent to you, or do you think he's trying to create drama and trouble where it doesn't belong? Personally I'm thinking the latter. BTW, his wife is the one in my other discussion who once had a 2 hour long conversation with me about women my husband used to date!! I think these people just need some drama in their lives or something!
6 people like this
20 responses
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Or something, yea they sound like drama filled. I can be the same way so can't really comment there. The only thing that matters is you have your husband and you love him... Don't worry about this other couple and their drama... discuss it with your husband... That's all I can say!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Sep 09
I have discussed it with hubby... we talk about everything. He doesn't get as bothered about things as I do, he's better about just letting it roll off his back. I've never been able to do that. I guess it's my competitive nature, not wanting someone to get the best of me... or even thinking they're getting the best of me.
2 people like this
@SomeCowgirl (32273)
• United States
5 Oct 09
My husband and I worry about everything, I worry more. I'll constantly think of the what if's of almost everything. Some what if's are good and are about our future, most are of the worrying kind. I worry about people taking advantage of us too.
@Opal26 (17694)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Hey Kats! I think that you have called it what it is! I think that these two are definitely two people whose marriage is definitely in trouble! I think they are looking to make trouble and stir up whatever they can because they have nothing better to do! I think that they have a very big problem and want to make a problem for whomever else they can! I think that both you and your hubby should both stay far away from both of them! I think that you should have a talk with your hubby about this and tell him what you think because I definitely agree with you that these two are up to no good!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Sep 09
I've spoken to my husband already, and he agrees with me. Since he started his family he hasn't been much interested in other people's drama or gossip, and that's all these people have is drama and gossip!
1 person likes this
@Sissygrl (10999)
• Canada
28 Sep 09
well.. i dunno but sounds like your hubby is trying to SAVE drama by ssaying he doesn't remember her, but i'd be thinking.. what's he hiding if he doesn't want to have her on the list lol. I'm sure its just innocent and all, but still weird.. maybe next time you should be sneaky and play along with the friend to see what he says!
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Sep 09
My hubby is not hiding anything, he told me that he remembered her, told me exactly who she was, he just told HER that he didn't remember her. Why should he want an ex girlfriend whom he dated for like a day, to be on his friends list when he's been happily married for so long? I'd think there were something wrong if he DID accept her as a friend! I will not be sneaky, that's not the type of person I am and it's not the type of relationship I have.
• United States
29 Sep 09
he sounds like one of those who was always "good friends" with the other chick and is instigating. he's probably also one of those who'll take the first chance to "tell" you were on his facebook.he's gonna look like a butt when your hubby already knows that. i would just mention to hubby his friend's upsetting you.
1 person likes this
29 Sep 09
i can only speak from personal experience. i was on another networking site,similiar to facebook, when an old ex boyfriend linked up with me. i treated his link with caution and did communicate with him a few times. he is married, like me and commutes abroad, but also goes back to our home town, which i live quite near to. he has asked to meet up, but i always refuse. you cant go back and i cant really see the point. i dont think its a good idea. And i can understand your misgivings. but remember, your husband is okay with you using his computer so i think its very unlikely there is anything going on. i think you can trust him. but as you say other people do like drama in their lives and like to upset other people who are obviously happy and trusting like you and your husband.
@Loverbear (4929)
• United States
29 Sep 09
Some people only feel whole if they are stirring up other people's lives with tons of drama. Some of them love to start battles between people over things like the girls that the husband dated or who the wife dated. They love lives that are like soap operas! Ask yourself "Has my husband ever given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness? Has he ever given me reason to not trust him?" Obviously, he isn't drawn to all of this otherwise he wouldn't be allowing you to use his computer. If you feel that the people are trying to create drama, then more than likely you're right. The next time that the wife decides to have a two hour recitation about the girls your husband dated, I would shut her down quickly by stating that he is married to you and you really don't care about who he dated previously.
1 person likes this
@cherrc (666)
• Philippines
29 Sep 09
hmmm...there must be some issues need to be closed by the other parties. the thing is, ur husband doesnt care anymore, which is a good thing. settled or unsettled, he moved on with his life--- family.
1 person likes this
@anna728 (1499)
• United States
29 Sep 09
Huh that is very odd of his friend... I don't really know what to make of it. I don't know him so I can't say, but maybe he is just curious? I guess if the ex-girlfriend said something about it, either she may be trying to use him to get info, or he is just curious about it himself. Well, no matter what, it's weird. At least your husband is not involving himself!
1 person likes this
@rosepedal64 (4192)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Hey Katsmeow..It really sounds like to me that he is trying to find something out. I would say that the real story goes like this. The girl told the guy that your husband doesn't remember her. So she is trying to get the guy to talk to your husband to find out if that is true. I think that your husband needs to tell the guy to drop it and that he doesn't care one way or the other. There are men out there that try to start stuff up just for the fun of it. Hey another ideal is maybe the guy is jealous that she wants to talk with your husband instead of him, and he cant stand that at all..I wish you luck and have a nice day..
• United States
28 Sep 09
This girl is on the other guy's friends list too, even though he's a married man, so I'm sure they do talk. I don't really know what's going on, I can just guess. Either way I don't think it's good that this guy won't just give up!
• United States
28 Sep 09
Yeah I agree with you. He needs to drop the whole thing and move on to something different. I think he thinks that your husband cares about what is being said. Hey I go an ideal..Go smack that guy silly....LOL
• United States
28 Sep 09
He's the type of guy who would care if people were talking about him... my hubby is not, but I guess that guy just doesn't understand that. Goes to show how well he really knows my hubby, huh?
@malamar (784)
• Canada
28 Sep 09
Don't let it get to you katsmeow, that would just be allowing the troublesome ones to win. It is apparent that you trust your hubby and the two of you share a very strong bond. Be grateful that you are strong enough together to block these "pot-stirrers" from disrupting your marriage. If it were me though, I think the dastardly duo would be the two that I block from every site I was on. Who needs that kind of crap in their lives? Good luck with whatever path you choose to follow.
• United States
28 Sep 09
You're right, but as I mentioned in the other responses.. I'm worried about the confrontation that may be caused if I delete them from our friend's lists. I don't want to have to try to explain why I don't want to be their friend anymore.
@malamar (784)
• Canada
28 Sep 09
Then just talk to them and agree to disagree with them. Tell them upfront and honestly that you would prefer not to pursue this situation any further. Let them know that it hurts or upsets you and the subject is closed. That way, you don't have to block them or risk a confrontation. No friend could argue with that position.
• United States
28 Sep 09
I'm not hurt or upset... if my husband were pushing the issue that would hurt and upset me. I just don't see why this other guy is trying to push the issue onto my husband. I don't think we need friends like that around us, trying to create troubles in a happy marriage!
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
28 Sep 09
They sound bored. People like that and Facebook are the perfect match. They are bored or unfulfilled with their own lives so they like to get involved with other peoples' (more interesting) lives. I wouldn't worry about it, aside from being annoying it sounds harmless. Some people just love to revisit the past more than is necessary, which is pretty much why Facebook exists.
• United States
28 Sep 09
Um, so what does that say about me? Cause I spend like all my time on Facebook!! Granted I don't go around annoying people or trying to brag (at least I hope I don't come off that way).
@jesssp (2743)
• Canada
28 Sep 09
It says you're a normal person who uses it as it should be used, and that makes you a minority IMO. Unfortunately many people read way too much into things like Facebook and they tend to be the ones that have the biggest presence on there -- like the subject of our discussion. They use it in a way it shouldn't be, you use it as it should be, that was my point!
• United States
28 Sep 09
I knew what you meant.. was just teasing, mostly. Yeah I like to look up old friends, and I admit I've spent some time looking up people like my exes.. found one of them, and his current girlfriend. Have gone back to peek at the girlfriend's page now and then to see what he's up to... only do that when I'm seriously bored though! I've never dreamed of trying to add him or her as a friend though!! Not only because my hubby wouldn't like it, but because I have no desire to reconnect with him, basically I'm just nosy!
28 Sep 09
These people sound like troublemakers. Your husband sounds perfectly innocent, or he would not let you near his page, so see this for what it is...someone else trying to cause drama, they probably have a sad life or something. Ignore it, and they will get fed up, and go away.
• United States
28 Sep 09
They certainly are trouble makers, and I'm not being reeled into their dramas, unfortunatly they aren't the type who'll just go away! I will have to delete them eventually.
28 Sep 09
Just delete them, i would. You dont need the hassle hun, so your not losing anything. Sod em, get rid of them...
• Canada
30 Sep 09
I think the husband's friend needs to drop it, as the woman seems to have dropped it, by not persuing him any further. If I was connected with a friend's ex, and heard that the friend did not remember the person, I would mind my own damn business, instead of trying to stir things up. Maybe the person doesn't want to talk to the person. It's disrespectful when someone is married, to push an ex on them.
• United States
30 Sep 09
That's precisely how I feel... like this is disrespectful! I realize he's just trying to start drama, perhaps his life truly is that miserable and boring, but does he realize how disrespectful he's being? Thankfully he hasn't pushed the issue again since, but I've blocked my hubby from being visable when I sign into his Facebook.
• United States
28 Sep 09
There are always going to be people in life who need drama. They will start their own or cause problems between other people. If its really botrhering you talk with your husband about it, tell him that you trust him completely but feel a little hurt that those people would try to stir up drama in your relationship. Otherwise, you can say something to the other couple or just let it go. My advice would be to talk with you hubby and then let it go. If he is doing nothing wrong, then its not really worth worrying about. Life is full of stress, dont let the immaturity of other cause you more stress than what you need. Remember they can only effect you as much as you let them.
• United States
28 Sep 09
My hubby already knows that I'm bothered by what this guy is doing. He knows I trust him, and he also knows I don't like drama, or people who try to cause it for no reason! He feels the same as I do about it... only he's not letting it get to him as much. He is mostly shrugging the whole thing off. I'm not as good at it as he is.
@lilybug (21182)
• United States
28 Sep 09
He sounds like he is trying to stir up trouble if you ask me. Why not just say, "Jay are you there?" Not, "Is this him or her?"
• United States
28 Sep 09
That's what I got from it too... mind you this is a guy one of us may talk to once a month or less... he's not normally bothered with messaging us or anything. So suddenly he's trying real hard to get in touch with my hubby, and obviously learned from his mistake so he's making sure it's him and not me. I don't really understand why he's trying so hard though... what would be the sense of a married man having an old fling on his friends list? My hubby gets it... this guy doesn't.
@ravinskye (8245)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Well, being that I don't know these people I will trust your judgment lol. Maybe it just baffles him that your husband can't remember who she is. But maybe there is something else there. If he knows about it then the ex must have been upset enough to say something to him about him not remembering. What does your husband say about it? He's probably going to have to talk to this guy about it at some point and admit that he does remember. And then as soon as he admits that I'd be willing to bet she will friend request him again.
• United States
28 Sep 09
Hubby thinks the same way I do, and is wondering why this guy has to push the issue, although he's not letting it bother him as much. He just chalks it up to this guy not having a life, and obviously not being faithful in his relationship. Hubby just lets it roll off his back. I on the other hand am a little ticked this guy keeps pushing the issue and trying to cause problems in a perfectly happy marriage! Hubby won't admit that he does remember her, thankfully he does have memory problems, so it's surprising that he does remember her. There's no reason for him to say he does though. We'll see what happens.
@laglen (19783)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Your probably right and it seems that your husband isnt going for it. Some people just need to be stirring the pot all of the time. I would ignore it. Dont let it bother you or it will eat away at you.
• United States
28 Sep 09
If you read my other discussion, you'll see his wife is pulling some of her own cr@p... it seems the two of them are just trying to create problems for other people. It won't work with us, because our marriage is stronger than most, but it still upsets me that they think they can do this!
@gemini_rose (16194)
6 Oct 09
Sounds to me like they are just trying to stir up a bit of trouble for you both, I think some people get kicks out of thinking they are causing trouble between others. Facebook sometimes can be a pain in the bum for causing trouble, I have seen a lot of arguments caused through it. If your husband was hiding something then he would not be wanting you to go on his facebook where you could find out!
@ElicBxn (60009)
• United States
29 Sep 09
I KNOW some people just have to have some drama in their lives, and if it doesn't occur naturally, they'll create it - I don't need that Sh*t, and avoid them
@zhyair (89)
• China
28 Sep 09
I don't know how to say. May life is full of dramas and contradictions. Sometimes you should learn to let it be. I wonder whether you've heard the song named Let It Be by Beetles, which sounds pretty good.