Insecurity

By Gabs
@gabs8513 (48715)
United Kingdom
September 28, 2009 4:41pm CST
Many of my Friends here know what I have been through in my Life, a few know more then others but it has left scars, scars that I wish would heal and stay away for ever, but well does not work that way Please do not judge me by saying ,yeah a lot of People have been through things in their Life, I know that and I feel for them when I read what they have been through, but I do not want to be judged by People who are not aware what my Life has been like from the age of 5 Anyway the point on this Discussion is........ I have over the Years made many Friends here online and I love them all dearly, I have made Friends and lost a couple, which hurt, but well that is Life My Friends are the most wonderful People, loving, caring and real Friends But...... my Problem is I have been hurt and walked all over so many times in my Life by Friends, by my Ex Husband, who used to tell me I am nothing special, well I know I am not, but sometimes he could have believed I was, lots of other things where thrown at me in all the years, and it has made me believe I am just another unknown Person that People are only nice to because they think they have to I have now been out of the Marriage 6 years and I have build my Life now to being me, basically what you see, be it online or offline, is me. When I was diagnosed with my Disability, I knew I was a Burden and useless, but again, my Children and my now Boyfriend helped me through that, my Boyfriend also helped me through getting over the damage that was done to me by years of verbal, mental and Physical abuse I now have the most wonderful Friends online I have a settled Life for the first time, so why does the insecurity still come through where I think I am a pain, a burden to my Friends, that my Friends will get fed up with me and disappear, that my Children will get fed up with me and that my wonderful Man will also get fed up, he says he will not, that he is not my Ex Husband, that he appreciates and respects me as much as he loves me, my Friends tell me, they love me, that I am a good Person, my Children and me have a wonderful Relationship, always have had, so why does this insecurity still come through at times, admittedly it is not as often as it used to, this is the first time in 15 months that I feel it again, that I sit and cry for no reason, My Question is why does this happen, why do I get like this, and why do I hate myself at times My lovely Man always tells me in a loving way when this happens, that I am silly, but he understands that it happens, he knows I trust him and he knows when this happens to me, he can tell by my Voice, but he has also noticed it does not happen as often as it used to Do you get like this and feel you just want to cut the world out Sorry for going on, but I just need to let it out
6 people like this
17 responses
@babyangie27 (5177)
• United States
28 Sep 09
Gabs hun you are a wonderful,caring friend! What you have been threw may always haunt you. At least give yourself credit for making it threw all of it and not turning into some cruel person. You may have days like the one you are describing for many years,but as you said they lessen,and they will continue to lessen with time. It is hard when you have been threw all that abuse made to feel like you are nothing. But we your friends will always be here hun and will always be here to hear you out and help you. Love and hugs hun and don't ever forget how special you are.
3 people like this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
28 Sep 09
Sweet thank you and I appreciate you reading this and replying to me specially with what you are still dealing with and I really wish I was closer so I could help you Much love to you always and you also remember you are very special to me
2 people like this
• United States
28 Sep 09
See hun this is what makes you so wonderful,you are going threw so much YOURSELF,yet you worry and care for others with your whole heart. I wish I lived closer to you so i could spend time with someone so wonderful and unique is so many ways. I love you Gabs and I am always around to lend a shoulder.
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
29 Sep 09
Hey sweetheart. I just got home today and found this discussion in my inbox, and I can't go to bed without responding............ Gabs, EVERYONE suffers from bouts of depression. I'm surprised you're still sane and oh so loving after what you've been through. Your insecurities don't make you weak or unworthy sweetheart..............they make you, you, and give you something to improve on about yourself, and everyone needs that or they get downright self righteous and/or boring. So don't stress yourself over these feelings you have. They are normal to a great extent as long as you don't get lost in them. You are so right that you have a loving family and many many loving friends who would be lost without you and the tender touch of caring you bring to us. Frankly my dear, to my mind, these days you have nothing to be insecure about (your health aside)! You're one of the good ones and will always be loved and valued by more people than you can count........................ Hugs and good night....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
2 people like this
• United States
29 Sep 09
Good night my friend. I hope your trip was fun. I agree with you. Gabs has a lot of friends who care about her very much. These ups and downs are common to us as we age. I hope this one will be short.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Sparks it means so much to me to see you here I hope everything is ok I am just being silly I know but hey you know that is me You are always here at the right time lol how do you do it Love you and sleep well big Hugs Royal thank you and you know you are very dear to me and I am so glad that I see you more often now Big Hugs
• Regina, Saskatchewan
29 Sep 09
Morning Ladies.....................hi Mom! Gabs, you are always on my mind and imprinted in my heart, so of course I am here for you. Love is a many splendoured thing don't you know! Hugs sweets, and look for my discussion about my trip...........
1 person likes this
29 Sep 09
Hi hun, I am so sorry that you are feeling like this, you know you are a wonderful friend to my and thank you so much for being my friend, "You are special" don't ever feel that you are not, you are special to me and you are not a pain either, I so gald that i've found you here, it is very hard for what you went through in the past but it is now time to pu away all the bad things in an old box and bury it, you can talk to me anytime hun because you are very dear to me as most of your friends will say the same, you are loved by all here so don't feel you are cut off, not even when you offline, there the phone, love you hun and your boyfriend is right, he loves you, so smile and we all love you. Love and hugs. Tamara xxxxx
2 people like this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
29 Sep 09
What Tamara said Gabs! She's smarter than me................most of the time! LOL
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Tamara thank you Sweet I guess it is just something that creeps up and I sort of go into myself and say I hide, that is why I have not been round the last couple of Days on either Site I need to shake this of I need to get rid of the feelings that are there right now and I will I know I will You have been a good Friend and are a good Friend and I thank you for that Hugs to you always and much Love xxxxx Sparks ............it is so good to see you and to see you are ok Hope everything is fine there, see now I am being selfish look what you are dealing with right now and I am sitting here being stupid again Love you my wonderful Friend
1 person likes this
• Regina, Saskatchewan
29 Sep 09
No Gabs, you are not being stupid. I'm fine and so is Devon..............more on that later. You are so loved Gabs, never ever doubt that.
1 person likes this
• United States
28 Sep 09
Awe Gabs....I havent heard a lot of your story yet but I have been through a lot of abuse in my life too....so I understand where you are... The thing is once that stuff gets ingrained in your brain it is soooo hard to get it out!! It has only been a few years for you and so it is still pretty stong....it does get better with time...but i have to say i dont think it ever goes away completely... It has been about 25 years for me since I got out of the abusive realtionship...I also grew up with an abusive mother and no father so it was pretty well ingrained in my head that i was worthless.... I am a whole lot better these days but even now i still have a day now and then when i just feel totally worthless and helpless..... When that does happen now I try really hard to do something nice for someone else....even if it is just giving someone a nice compliment or a shoulder to cry on....honestly the feeling of making someone else feel better often help me to feel better too....occasionally i still have the days when i dont even get out of bed...but they are few and far between now..... Hang in there!!!
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Hi there Pixel and thank you for your caring words I am so sorry that you had to go through it to but I am glad that it does seem to fade and get even fewer I hope everything is ok with you there Sweetie as I have not seen you much Hugs to you
• United States
29 Sep 09
Thanks Gabs... we are still struggling to get by but somehow we are managing to get from one day to the next ....I am learning to worry about tomorrow tomorrow you know....like they say whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger so i should be one tough cookie when we do get through this!!
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Well I am glad though that you are getting through it, I know it is hard believe me Pixel and you are in my thoughts and I hope that soon it will get easier
28 Sep 09
yes i do know how you feel. i have had a very unhappy life, but it has made me extremely tough. i could quite easily hide myself away as i like the solitude. but life has to go on , i have to go to work, pay bills, look after my cats, my dog, my family. i have some really great friends, who seem to like me as i am. i keep my bad past and unhappy memories to myself, but its as you say, it does get to the point sometimes, where you are taken over by great waves of despair and life seems pointless. But i only have to look in the paper and see those brave boys and girls coming back from war, in a coffin, or sitting in a wheelchair, and i think i am being really petty, as those guys just get on with it.BUT once again gabs, to suffer the abuse you have from your ex , its no surprise you cant trust any man. but your new guy sounds a real good one and he will see you through your down times.
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Margery you are right and that is when I feel silly to but sometimes it is just impossible to stop it creeping up on me and yes my Man is wonderful I try to hide it most of the time yes I can other times it creeps up and I can't stop feeling this way but I know it will pass again Hugs to you
• Philippines
28 Sep 09
Hello gabs! Nice to see you here again! Problems that come our way, are still blessings. why? because this problems makes us strong. This problems makes us realize that there are people around us who loves us so much. We can't always have the perfect days in our lives, we can have our ups and downs, but the important thing is that we still learn to value the things and blessings that we have. The way you value your friends, your family and your man. That is already a positive attitude. I know you will get through this. And I hope my post will somehow uplift your spirit Take Care
2 people like this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Hi there Red well it is certainly good to see you again And yes your Post has uplifted them a bit You are right to but sometimes it is still so hard to stop it creeping up on me
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
28 Sep 09
You are not silly. Your feelings are your feelings and they were caused by all those things that you went through. No matter how much things are better, you can't go through everything that you've gone through and be "up" all the time. You have every right to feel sad about the past. But don't hate yourself. There's nothing there to hate. You're a loving mother and a good person. You're very talented too, with graphics and your little stories about Gissi. I know you don't believe it sometimes, but really. I've had my down days too and your stories actually cheer me up quite a bit. And a person who can make another person smile like that is not worthless or useless or any of those other negative things, believe me. sending hugs....
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
28 Sep 09
Dawn thank you so much for this and it makes me happy that I can make you smile when you are down as I love cheering People up and making them smile specially when they are feeling down I know you have had your things to deal with to I know there are many here and all over the world that have but I just can't help it attacking me at times Big Hugs to you
2 people like this
@Hatley (164507)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Nov 09
oh gabs I do feel for you but your good hubby is right,you are a burden and not useless at all. You need to wash those bad thoughts out of your hair like that song about washing things right out of my hair. When you have been hurt by others over the years and been told you were worthless those do make scars indeed and sometimes the pain from that makes you think well maybe I am worthless, but you just do not believe that as it is not truth at all,When you get down you have to look up,look at the heavens and the stars ,fill yourself with peace and serenity, then come home to gissi and see all the love he has to give you. dogs know who are good people a nd who are bad. My husband gave me a mantra from an old tv series the Bionic Woman. tell yourself I am somebody,I like myself, I am unique, I am Gabs then yell it out like you really mean it,sounds silly but it works.
@Hatley (164507)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Nov 09
typo my gosh I was trying to say you are not a burden and not useless at all. forgive my fumbling fingers please.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
15 Nov 09
Lol Hatley I know what you meant so do not worry at all It is only when somebody rocks the Boat that I get like that but yes all that is over and I have gone forward and will not go back any more Big Hugs
@nannacroc (4049)
29 Sep 09
Gabs, you can't go through the traumas you've been through without them having a lasting effect. You're a loving mother, a fiercely loyal friend, (at least that's how you seem)and have many other positive qualities. Just try and remember your good points, they far outweigh the bad. It's very hard to get over the sort of abuse you had with your ex-husband and you do a brilliant job. We are all entitle to feel down sometimes but let your children and partner support you, after all, you'd be there for them. Take care.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Hi there Nannacroc it is good to see you again I do let them help me through it believe me, I never used to as I was so used to fighting and sorting on my own but not any more and all my Friends are wonderful to as they help to that includes you You look after yourself there
@nannacroc (4049)
29 Sep 09
It can be hard to let others help when you have always been the one to shoulder their burdens along with your own. Glad you overcame that.
1 person likes this
@irefed (200)
• Philippines
29 Sep 09
Ignore that feeling of being insecure. You have the man who cares for you and your children who gives you support. Why still feel silly towards yourself. It is not healthy that you always question your capacity and mentality. Boast yourself sometimes on your own..Don't depend too much to person close to you for you to learn how to value your life.
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
It is not easy to ignore when you have been through a tough time from the age of 5 I will not say the Horrors but many People have gone through things in their Life and they will agree when I say I am grateful for what I have now I had to wait 43 years for it for the peace, but the horrific time will always surface at times and it is not easy to ignore it Thank you for your Respond and welcome to Mylot I hope you will enjoy it here
@irefed (200)
• Philippines
29 Sep 09
Thanks and I found your story such an interesting discussion.
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
29 Sep 09
hmmmmmmmmmmmmm I sort of thought you were getting out of that but then to we dont talk as much on IM like we use to we know we are there but dont talk allthat much. and yup I think we all go thru is sometimes I know I did years and years ago. Just then I got friends adn talk to them like you I think we both know more about each other than most people do. that have never met in person. And you know about what time I am going to sign back in in the morning but I also leave it the IM up all night and day. So I am there if ya need to talk!. Oh by the way I got the lovely beautifukl cardsssss today hugs and thanks so much. I can see where you really put time on them hugssssssssssssssss Now cheer up ya can call me when ya need to too. I just wished I had a way to call you like you can me. hugsssssssssssssss and blessings
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
The thing is though just knowing you are there helps me and you know that Yes we do know a lot about one another and you where my very first Friend online and have been since you know that you mean a lot to me and always will I will call you soon, I promise You know me I just go a bit quiet for a time but I am ok it is just me and it will go away You have been through so much as well and I think both of us entered each Life's at the right time To this Day I am so grateful that you replied that time I am glad you got the Cards and that lol and I am more glad that you like them and I kept to my Promise as well lol Love you and big warm Hugs to you
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
29 Sep 09
yes we did get to know each other at the right time and am glad that Gen pointed me towards you! I do think that we needed one another then and still do cant alk to every one like I do you can on somethings but not all. Like this morning and me getting up early I will be tired before we walk CHey to School lolol Might take nap early today lol Yup I know helpful to knoww e are on IM as we can then just talk when we need too. HUgs and blessings!
1 person likes this
• India
6 Oct 09
Gabs, since you have a very good social and family life right now, the problem comes from within, not without. I suggest you work on your self-esteem. Start telling yourself how wonderful you are, instead of putting yourself down, and I think the insecurity will go then.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
6 Oct 09
Thank you Sweet and I guess you are right about that I have been thinking a lot about it
@jillhill (37383)
• United States
29 Sep 09
I was in the same type of relationshiop and yes..those insecurities will probably always raise their ugly heads and try to overshadow all the good that is in us. My ex used to tell me the same thing.....that I was a nobody that couldn't do anything right.....and after being divorced for over 30 years sometimes I can still hear it.....I think it might be something to goes to the grave with us....I am glad you let it out......you need to.....
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
30 Sep 09
Well Jill I will say to you You also are a wonderful caring Person and I am glad that we are Friends You will certainly know how I feel and totally understand it This is one of the reasons I will never leave here as we always have Friends here that will be there for us Hugs to you
• United States
29 Sep 09
These feelings, I do believe are a normal part of life. We all get these feelings no matter what kind of life we have or have had. You know, the ones that have had everything all of their life...they are wealthy and have everything money can buy. They are popular with lots of friends, and people look up to them. Well these people also have insecurities. So for the rest of us that have had a hard life and been treated badly, we certainly have insecurities...maybe more than most. I know I do. When I feel this way I try to do something to take my mind off of it. I try to think of other things that I am happy about and I pray to God to help me with this feelings. I hope you are feeling better soon. You ARE worth something...you are NOT a nobody. You are a very special person that your children love, your boyfriend loves and worships you, and you do have friends that love and care about you. Everyone needs reassuring sometimes.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Thank you and yes you are right and I know that you have been and are through tough times to but remember that I am here for you as well always as you are a dear Friend to me Hugs
• United States
29 Sep 09
What you are feeling is not by any means silly or wrong. You have just been put through so much over the past years that your body just hasn't fully dealt with it. The best thing you can honestly do (just friendly advice, I'm not a professional), is let it out. If you continue to hold it in, you will hide it but any minor incident could spark major depression. Let it all out when it does bother you and you will see that the ones who love you will listen and reassure you. Those who dont, aren't the ones who truly love and support you. It is important to feel comfortable venting with your mate and if he's "the one" he will always listen and be there for you. Even if he doesn't know what to say to you, just listening and giving you a firm reassuring hug will speak louder than words. Having the ones who love you to be there for you and comfort you, in my opinion, is the best healer. Best wishes!
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Thank busymom Believe me he is always there for me and does encourage me to let it out to he understands and over the Years he has helped me so much just by being him, he has shown me what real love, respect, care and being there for me means Thank you so much for your advise as it is true I appreciate that
• Malaysia
29 Sep 09
Hi Gabs .. I am not going to advise you on anything ... but instead i am going to just send you lots of love and 'positive' aura, via my keyboard to your screen .. ... Here it comes ... " ++++++ L +++++ O +++++ V +++++ E +++++ " Remember this dear "THAT MOMENT WILL GO AWAY ... WAIT FOR THOSE WONDERFUL NEXT MOMENT ..." cheers
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Awww Sweetheart thank you that is so sweet of you Of course I am sending it back to you
@royal52gens (5380)
• United States
29 Sep 09
Dearest Gabs, I also go through periods where my insecurities get the better of me. You and I have both come so far together. You have not been alone on this journey through life. I am so glad you are my friend. Take a deep breathe and push those fears and feelings of insecurity away. Let me wrap my arms around you so you feel safe again. Also, let the doctor know this is happening. It could be hormones that are out of balance.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48715)
• United Kingdom
29 Sep 09
Royal yes we have and thank you for the warm Hug I felt it I know you are going through bad things but together again we will get through it as we do It could be hormonal lol as I am going through a certain stage in Life Big warm Hugs back to you always my Sweet Friend and I am so glad we met to and became good Friends