Friends can be lovers but ex-Lovers can't be friends

By fler
@feodda (579)
Philippines
October 5, 2009 10:12pm CST
There are times friends can be lovers. And as lovers, we will start as friends to build-up the friendship and trust. But ex-lover's is rarely to be friends again, due to the reasons of break-ups. There are sad, happy or worst break-ups. I have an ex that until now, we are very great friends. Even seeing each other again and sending messages with one another. Sometimes we do comforting, especially we are down in a relationship. I have also a worst experience with my latest ex. I could never dare to be friend with him after all the humiliation that he gave to me, in my place and in my work. And tried to sue me to court because to his other affair. I could forgive but can't forget the things that happen in my life with him. I have been into depression and my life is very miserable at the time. I fall down in the deepest well. I never thought I could stand up from all the things that happens. But now, I thank God for my parents and for my friends, that never leave me at that time. And now, I take another course that diverts my attentions. How about you? Will you be friends of your ex-lover or not? What had happen? Having experience with a friend that becomes your lover until now?
4 people like this
24 responses
• India
6 Oct 09
Great To Have Friends Who Support .. - Supportive Friends And Parents Are Great To Have ..
Feodda I Must Say That You Are Quite Strong In This Community Staring Discussions Related To Relationships ..I Get An Understanding Of You Having Suffered Due To The Wrongs Of Your Mates .. You Are Indeed Lucky To Have Supportive Parents And Friends, Not Everyone Has That Privilege .. And what You Have Just Said Is Perfectly Right 'Friends Can Be Lovers But ex-lovers Can't Be Friends' .. Have A Good Day ..
@feodda (579)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
I was been into Depression because of Love. I was been traumatized because of Love. But lucky I have moved on because of Love. I just want to share with you my experience. I know is very weird experience. And I am very lucky to have my parents. They both came with me in the trial court. It was my first time to be called. I think I was a criminal at that time. Its so shameful and humiliating. But because of no proof, I wasn't.
• India
6 Oct 09
Oh Feodda I Wish I Could Be Of Help .. I Just Cannot Understand Few Guys .. I Don't Know How Such Beings Are Born .. Bless You Dear Friend .. Wish You Get All The Happiness, Here After ..
• Canada
6 Oct 09
I think it all depends on how long you are with the person, and how things ended. Someone I was with for years, I don't think I could stay friends with. It would be too difficult. However, there are people that I dated for a month or two that I'm still friends with. Things ended because we could tell they weren't going to work out. It was too early for us to be really resentful about it. Time always helps, too. If I were to see someone that I dated for a year (who was absolutely insane), I could probably manage to have a "Hi, how've you been" kind of conversation with them now, where if I'd seen them in the year after the breakup, I probably would've hid behind the newspaper.
@feodda (579)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
It really depends on the situation and the time. There are many things we will consider. There are times we could easy forgive and forget because of the wound is not that bloody.
• Philippines
16 Aug 11
Hi... I agree that it depends on how the relationship ended... but in my own opinion it is better not to be friends with my ex just to pay respect on my new partner... because jealousy and insecurity is always there when it comes to present lover... sometimes the new gf/bf are some kinda narrow minded when it comes to ex's, so just to avoid misunderstanding. I probably not to be friends with my ex anymore. just to have a peace of mind. ^_^
@derek_a (10902)
6 Oct 09
Well, maybe I am different to most people, but I have remained friends with my ex-wife for many years. Also living nearby is an ex-girlfriend that I used to go out with in my teens. We broke up when I was in my early 20s and it was a bit painful, but one day we bumped into each other years later, and now we can be friends quite easily and chat if we happen to see each other. So yes,for me ex-lovers have become friends, but it took a few years for us to get each other out of our systems I guess. - Derek
@Sherka (82)
• Jamaica
6 Oct 09
From my past experience, it all depends on how clear you are with person after the break up in regards to whatever friendship you might have. Because some might still dwell on the past and every conversation after you break and you meet again will seem to revolve around the past. Its not healthy so as i said it can happen but only if boudaries are set and the people involved actually stand by them.
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
Well, generally, you could still be really friends with your ex lover but it would depend on how you handle the break-up and the reason behind it. If lost of trust is the reason why you ended the relationship I think that it would be difficult to bring back even the friendship.
@feodda (579)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
This is the hardest part, Trust. Losing the trust of ex-lover, how could we still trust him as a friend. Will the things is, he cannot be trusted anymore. And friendship also requires trust.
@daliaj (5689)
• India
6 Oct 09
I totally agree with you regarding this. It is not a good idea to be friends with ex-lovers. Nobody will like their partner keeping contacts with ex-lovers. It doesn't mean that you have to treat your ex-lover as enemy. There is no problem in saying 'hi' if you see her on street or leaving a smile when you accidently meet her in a shopping mall. Sometimes it is hard for many people to throw away their sweet heart from their heart (I am an exception; I have a very hard mind)In that case there is a big chance for them to unite again and it will cause problems for the current partner. It is fine to have friendship, but you should be very clear about the limitations of friendship, especially when you are married. It is better to avoid the risk of having friendship with ex-lovers. Please don't opt for it if you still have a soft corner for you ex. in your heart. It is not advisory to take risks. It is not easy to make up your present relationship once there are tans and cuts in that.
@feodda (579)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
Its better to avoid things may happen worse. It is good idea, and of course not to treat him as an enemy.
• United States
21 Oct 09
It really depends on the situation for me. But usually the answer is no. I am willing to try if the breakup was mutual but usually I find it too ackward.
7 Oct 09
I think it really depends on why the couple split up in the first place and the circumstances of it. I know a few people who have since stayed friends with someone after having a relationship with them. The time when it can't work between ex partners is when one still holds a candle for the other, This is bound to cause friction between the ex and the new partner. I would not be too happy if my girlfriend was still friends with her ex and he still had feelings for her and wanted to get back with her.
6 Oct 09
Based on my experiences, ex-lover can always be friend. But I'm sorry for the story you wrote, I can imagine that. But I hope there's no big deal happened to you. Ex-lover can be one very good friend, regardless who he/she was, because however, he/she was the one we share our dream with. =) But sometimes it doesn't feel comfortable when we walk down the road and just meet our ex-lover accidentally and suddenly we feel like an idiot when have nothing to say, not even to open conversation and just throw the face right to the basket. But now I don't have a friend who becomes my lover. =)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
Yeah, that is a very true statement and friends could be lovers as they both know the strengths and weaknesses of each others they may be more compatible. In cases of lovers who just break up, it is better no to have any communication even for the sake of friendship in disguise is not a good things to do. because, somehow you are giving yourself a false hope that somehow he change his mind and comes back to you. But, if he didn't do it to reconcile and makes peace with you and their is nothing could do. Just release forget and meet a new one is the best things to do rather than keeping someone who is no longer interested in you.
@hexeduser22 (5854)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
Most of the time and most people I know wouldn't want to befriend their ex. It really depends on how your relationship ended. Me I'm lucky to have met wonderful partners in my life, even though I maybe the one who always initiates the break up, all of them ended as my friend. Like you and your ex, we comfort each other and stay in contact. They come to me to tell or seek an advise whenever they are having problems with their current boyfriends. What's wonderful is that they never disturb me whenever I'm in a relationship. I'm in love with my current girlfriend for almost three years now, even though we are in a "long distance relationship" our bond is strong because we started out as friends
@ayebelle (368)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
Oh My ex is my friend now, and we are good. We still have communication on each other, and still caring for each other. Maybe offering friendships to your ex might be very mature thing because it develop on how you understand each other. Sometimes when my ex had new girlfriends,he even show his gf to me and ask me what can i say. It just funny because he still depending on me, and nothing has change.
@thaMARKER (3094)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
never happened to me so far, thank goodness. but the other way around, yes i believe i have had. i can never be in love or have an intimate relationship with a long time friend (and i never have had). i'm friends with my ex boyfriends as far as i'm aware of hahaha.. we get to say hi and hello every time we see each other. in your case, i'm sorry to hear that story. i hope it's out of your system.
@mikeysmom (2092)
• United States
6 Oct 09
i think if there are unresolved feelings on either parties part then ex-lovers cannot be friends. but if they have both gotten past the relationship and moved on i think it is possible depending on the people and the people they move on with.
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
hello feodda, This is pretty much happening to a lot of people in general. to some, it's better off if they don't communicate or see each other and to some like you, can also be friended with each other.well, if the ex wasn't that nice then why bother being friend with him, he might do worse since he's not your bf anymore.never experience friend turning into lovers.
• Spain
6 Oct 09
Yes, I believe that ex-lovers cannot be friends. But this is based on my personal experiences alone. I am not trying to generalize it because not everyone had the same situation as I had. If your reason for separation really hurts, then it would really be hard to forgive and be friends with your ex. However, if you have parted in good terms, then maybe ex-lovers can eventually be friends at the right time. But in my case, I'm not sure if it will ever happen. Maybe in the future, but not at the moment.
@xannebull (1806)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
i have no more news about my ex-lovers. we haven't seen each other since we broke up. we were not in good terms after we broke up because he couldn't accept the fact that i don't love him anymore so better that we would not be friends and no communications at all.
@tixepower (1196)
• Sweden
6 Oct 09
No, lovers can be lovers without being friends, what year do you live in humanbeing! Also friends and be friends without being lovers even if it's a girl and a boy. Don't forget that ex lovers can be friends aswell if they lose all the feelings they once had. All love feelings are not always the same as yours :)
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
6 Oct 09
My husband and I were friends for a very long time before we became involved in a romantic relationship and I agree that it is not usually possible to be friends with an ex. I have an ex who I am in good terms with and we catch up by phone every few years; he is married and I am married and quite frankly although there is no resentment we do not have a great deal to say to each other aside from a quick hello and a chit chat. Some people are able to maintain friendships with exes and are able to invite them to their wedding etc, I find that weird and could not do that but we are all different…I guess it depends on how you broke up too...
@irefed (200)
• Philippines
6 Oct 09
I am not closing my door to be friend with my past boyfriend but I had a past boyfriend that we still communicate to each other after breaking-up for two years. He always ask any updates of my work and what's new in my life. He was happy that I settle to someone which I told him that I'm very much in love. I always look for friendship after the break-up but I know it will take time to be friend.
• India
6 Oct 09
hmm It entirely depends on the character of the person.If the person is good and has a soft nature then their would be no problem in the continuing friendship with that person.If u think that person may create a problem in your happy life(especially after marriage) then u can think of leaving him.As of me i would continue to be friend after break up.