counting my blessings

@dawnald (84146)
Shingle Springs, California
October 13, 2009 11:42am CST
Sometimes Cary can be difficult to deal with. If he wants something and he can't have it, he gets upset. If he doesn't want to do something and he has to, he gets upset. Sometimes sitting him on my lap will calm him down to where we can deal with things reasonably. But I can't say he's ever gotten completely out of control with us. With a day care teacher three years ago, yes, but never with us. Yesterday Richard took Cary to his social skills class. One of the boys in there got really upset because it wasn't his turn to do something. His mother went in there to try and calm him down and he was hitting and kicking and trying to bite her. Yikes. He's 7 years old, but bigger than Cary who is 9 (and NOT small for his age). Another father was in the waiting room and told Richard that his son got like that sometimes, usually because he was hungry. Anyway it got so out of control that Richard went in and asked if he could help. He ended up grabbing the boy and telling him that he wouldn't let go until he calmed down. The other father recommended putting the boy under the table, which used to work for his son. At any rate, they eventually calmed him down. Richard came home wondering if he had done the right thing (I think he probably did). We were both glad that Cary doesn't behave like this and were wondering if it were the severity of the other kid's autism or the parenting (the mother seemed afraid of him) or what. At any rate, I find myself counting my blessings that Cary is not so severely affected and that it really looks like he is going to manage just fine. Also, wondering how some people cope...
2 people like this
11 responses
@katsmeow1213 (29047)
• United States
13 Oct 09
I personally believe it's usually the parenting.. but that's just my opinion. I think some parents would prefer to take the easy way out and give in to the child. Even if it's only on occasion, the child already knows that if pushed far enough, the parent will give in and the child will get their way. Some parents would just rather end the conflict as easily as possible, so they give the child what they want... which creates a bit of a monster!
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Oct 09
I'm sure that's a big part of it with some kids, but I really wonder how much the autism has to do with it also.
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@mommaj (22780)
• United States
13 Oct 09
Hi dawn! I would have to say the autism has a lot to do with it. My daughter is older than my son and she doesn't have autism. When she was in the "terrible two" stage she never through a tantrum where she would get on the floor and kick and scream. My son does. He actually just started this. I took him on a child train ride and when he got off I had to carry him off the train ride line and he was kicking and screaming. I, happily celebrating that he has gone into an advanced age stage am happy, while my child lays on the ground screaming and crying. Boy did I get stares! The only reason I know this is autism and yes, some of it is parenting but mostly autism, is because we walked away from the train and he was okay until he heard the train whistle or saw the train. A lot of it is the frustration that he wants, but he can't tell me and he gets upset. While he laid on the ground I told him if he kept acting like that he would never ride the train again! Isn't avoidance a lazy way out as well?
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 Oct 09
I think it is exactly frustration at not being able to express what you want. But I also think it is to some extent (and with some kids) the parenting also and not teaching them HOW. Some folks with autism are severe enough that they'll never get there though and others need a lot more patience and firmness and teaching than others.
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@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
13 Oct 09
U are very lucky that cary is not affected more than he is. I have a friend whose son has autism & they really have a time w/him. Heis such a big guy & his mom is just a little bitty thing that he has hurt her many times. It is so sad i am sure to have this happen. They wouldn't give in when he was young to get him the help that he needed & now that he is older nowhere will take him in to help him. He is such a handsome child. When i was working i cut his hair. I think i may have told u this before. I wish cary the very best.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
that is very sad, but if you don't start off right with children when they are little, you have a devil of a time with them later, autism or not...
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@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
14 Oct 09
U are so right, it all begins at home when they are small.
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
if not, even Supernanny would have a tough job of it!
@Hatley (164638)
• Garden Grove, California
14 Oct 09
hi Dawnald I do not know much about autism but I do have 'a hunch that your Cary is not so severely affected because he had two parents who are calm and level headed. I think that always helps any child that is emotionally upset no matter what the cause. I know my little girl,this is years back,was'brain damaged and she seldom had temper tantrums, but the one time she did,I just did what your husband did,I held her and told her I would'not let go until she calmed down. well she actually went to sleep in my arms,the terrible twos and too much information flooding into her little brain that was not really able to comprehend it,we were told she would never develop beyond about three or four years.we only had her for 8 years.But I am like you,I think your husband did do the right thing.
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
I'm sure how the parents deal with things has a huge impact.
29 Oct 09
My son Daniel is 9 and autistic. He only ever tried to bite me once and that was when he was very small. But Daniel does have complete meltdowns (very nasty tempers) when he cannot communicate his feelings. He had one yesterday actually at my sisters. It was all over the fact he missed his photo being taken with his cousins because he was having his face painted. My Mum offered to take his photo but he didn't want it because it wouldn't have been the same as the other photo. Now try to explain to my son that we can't go back in time to put him in that exact photo is impossible. Even trying to make it the same didn't help. He started crying and making noises. He went out to the hall sat down and started kicking at the shoes that were on the floor. He then starts to scratch his face so I have to restrain him. He is getting stronger everyday and I am finding this harder and harder. Although he doesn't hurt me he hurts himself. He finally did calm down after lots of cuddles and rocking to soothe him. I can cope with these tempers at home, but when I go out I find it so hard to cope with. I am almost at the point where I won't take him out to see people because if he gets excited you can guarentee he will have a meltdown. Because of his autism he cannot cope with his emotions very well. But he is having therapy and counseling and they do help a lot. They teach him other ways to cope with his feelings. I hope with patience and time he will learn to deal with feelings in a more positive way
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Oct 09
I hope it helps too. It's too bad that the diagnosis came so late, but better now, while his brains still forming, than when he's 20 or something.
29 Oct 09
Thats true, I have a friend who has only recently been diognosed with Autism and he is 40. So he has gone his whole life struggling with no support. At least my son is getting the support he needs. We have good days and bad days but then so do most parents and in general my son is happy (most of the time) and thats what counts
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Oct 09
Yes it does and no doubt it has a lot to do with great mothering!
• United States
17 Oct 09
At some point the mother has to learn a new way to get respect, obviously being afraid of a child creates a real problem and who is the boss anyway? Unfortunately, this happens all too often and if this seven year old turns into a bully in school because he creates an air of fear, then what? Putting a child under a table to calm the child down? Huh? I don't get that, the way Richard decided to handle the situation seems best because the restraint is not oppressive, the condition to be released is simple, you will remain in my control until you stop trying to resist, I have all day or until someone wishes to come along and take over, but the child must learn individual restraint. Now if the child with the problem is an out of control government? What would you do?
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Oct 09
The child has autism and for some reason the enclosed space seems to calm him down.
• United States
14 Jan 10
Thank you for the BR, you know what I should add to your comment, it just struck me like a lightening bolt. The confined space calms the child down like a (((HUG))) Like being in the womb... The fetal position works wonders, to teach your child to use this position when feeling alone or anxious under the right circumstances of course, but it does help, it is warm curled up in a ball... It is natural. A great independent or solitary hug to yourself. You can also learn to hug yourself while sitting in a chair. That doesn't look so awkward and of course I know we are talking about children not you, I'm talking about teaching them these things, that are good for self esteem, things we can do for our selves. Just some random thoughts... Peace and Blessings to you and yours, Sincerely, Gary
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
15 Jan 10
You are probably on the right track with that thought...
• Boston, Massachusetts
14 Oct 09
Hi Dawnald, As a mother of two kids with autism i experienced the same too. They're upset if they can't get what they want and if they are pressured to do something that they don't want to do. What we used to do is hug our kids and give them massage from shoulder down to the arms and give a soft stroke on their back. While doing this we tried our best to talk to them and explain things that's unacceptable. They listen and hug us back. WE may have two kids with autism (the youngest - 9 years old is mainstreamed just this year) but we are still lucky bacause they are not the severe as compared to other cases. My eldest (13 years old) has difficulty in uttering words or communicating but with all the interventions he's saying lots of words and can verbally communicate now. It's LOVE, SUPPORT AND PATIENCE that made them become what they are now.
• United Arab Emirates
14 Oct 09
Hi Mama MSF, I believe you're one of a kind mom, having two special kids aren't that easy considering that you are a working mom. I'm just wondering how you manage your work, your kidz, the house and to add on your great time with mylot...lol. Happy mylotting!
1 person likes this
• Boston, Massachusetts
14 Oct 09
Hi SB, I always have time for everything as mom of two special kids, as a wife umhhhhmmm yes! I always have time for my honey, as doryvien’s co-worker, business woman (doing crochet blouses and dresses) and as a mylot member. I love and enjoy being all of the above! Superwoman right?!!!
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
Hugging and rocking Cary works wonders with him. You are so right, love, support, patience! Keep up the great work!
• China
14 Oct 09
Hi, dawnald, I am so worried about such a 7 years old boy after reviewed your story. yes, we all said one word "autism", but who know why a kid become autism. the main reason, personally, I think they all lacks a close parenting education. to be a father or mother. try to ask youself. How much time you take it into guiding a correct direction for your kids? How long you stay with them one day? Yes ,In Modern society, parents are busy for work,business,relationship.etc. otherwise. how to do support a family without money. but in the meantime, we also need to take some time for our kids education. make them build a health,correct emotion and attitude in their heart. so if we do this homework for our kids, kids are willing to trust us and then they will share more things with us.
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
We don't know what causes autism. I don't think it's anything to do with the parent that a child gets autism, but I think the parents can have a huge impact on successful and autistic child is as learning to function.
@mommaj (22780)
• United States
18 Oct 09
I have to comment on this close minded and uneducated way of thinking. I was once like you. I believed it must be the parents fault. In some cases, I still wonder that. My son is classic autistic though. Guess what the doctors tell us not to do. PHYSICAL PUNISHMENT. The reason is our children are not intelligent enough to process that as punishment. That is why if you have ever seen a parent spank a child and the child laughs that the child did not feel it. In fact, the child thinks the parent is playing and no matter how angry that parent gets, the child will not understand. My child still does not talk and he is four. I am a stay at home mom, so I am with him 20 hours a day and the school gets him four hours. I can assure you, it has nothing to do with parenting. If you would like to prove me wrong, please by all means, you are more than welcome to come visit with us!
1 person likes this
@irishidid (8570)
• United States
14 Oct 09
I know there are times my daughter wants or needs something but doesn't know how to voice it. If I don't understand what it is she has a meltdown. Luckily they aren't too bad. She just stomps upstairs and slams her door. It does take a really long time before she comes back downstairs but it takes her awhile to get over it.
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@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
My oldest daughter was the same way and she doesn't have autism.
@Catwife (54)
• China
14 Oct 09
See here is indeed very difficult subject!My friend's son is also autistic! Will ot communicate with anyone,bad-tempered! Is difficuit to imagine!But to take the right treatment! They are to his son to communicate with the animals! Love and puppy play!To see a pasychiatrst!Slowly feeling better! Hope that God bless you!Amen!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
Early intervention does wonders, but it takes a lot of patience.
@Zenstrive (239)
• Indonesia
14 Oct 09
Well then, you really need to count your blessings. In the faith that I practice, the blessings of sight is so uncountable it took turning the whole sea into ink to count the blessings, and even that's not enough!
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
1, 2, 3... :-)
@GardenGerty (100427)
• United States
14 Oct 09
For awhile last year I worked two days a week with an adult disabled young man who was severely autistic. I observed that people who were afraid of him also brought out the worst in him. I was not afraid of him, and I was one of the few people who tried to do sign language and communications boards with him. Autism is a communications disability, or so I have been told by a high school principal who had an autistic son. I think your husband did okay, if no one has complained. Yes, a child who is hungry, that is one who is having a blood sugar drop will have behaviors.
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
14 Oct 09
They sense fear, I think. Sad...