I'm In A Huge Dilemma And Need Your Advice On How To Handle It

@CatsandDogs (13964)
United States
October 15, 2009 3:44pm CST
Most of you know my situation however, those of you who don't, please go read my other discussions to catch up because there's just too much to explain on here. It would take me days to explain it all here. Ok, here it is. My husband is really fed up with my parents and I can understand why however, I'm not able to tell him about my conversation that I had with mom the other day. I made a promise (although not a fair one) I intend to keep it. So he vows he's not going up there to help them any more unless they ask. I know they're not going to ask because of the comments he's made to them. I know there's some huge jobs that need doing and mom has asked dad to do them but he says he has too much to do to get to them right now and that is, power wash their house to get all the dirt down as well as those pesky spider webs in which they have a lot of. It takes hours and hours to do but it does need doing. Another thing is, they need their porch railings painted badly. Not to mention, help with cleaning the inside of their house. Now I'm only one person so I can do only so much at a time but I'll get it done BUT.... 1) What do I tell my parents when they ask where hubby is? YIKES! Damn it, to be backed into a corner like this is no picnic! 2) I want to send an email to my brothers and tell them that I and not WE but I need help. Since one brother and I aren't on speaking terms, we talk through email or text messages only about mom and dad, that's it. I know both will tell me that they don't have the time to help and bla bla bla and what if they ask about my hubby not helping? Again, being backed into a corner is no picnic!! What would you do? I have a feeling I'm going to come out of this exploding in a very bad way and I don't want that to happen!! HELP!!
6 people like this
14 responses
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Hi Cats. I'm going to have to side with the other comments here. It seems to me that your hubby may just have a better view of what's really going on than you do, as he is not blood-related. I think he can see, more clearly than you can, that the way your parents act is not fair to you and him. Your parents have obviously learned to depend on your help without asking. You've done too much and you know it. They now seem to expect that much help from you and don't seem to see what it's doing to you, or to your marriage. This is now hurting your marriage. I'm sure I'm not the only one who can see this. Your husband is fed up. You have been fed up, too, but you continue to help your parents, while your husband has reached his limit. You continue to ask your brothers for help and you already know what they're going to say. They've been this way since I first met you here over a year ago. They are not going to change. You have to stop expecting them to help because they won't. What needs to be done, as I see it, is that your parents have to be honest with your brothers. It seems to me that your parents are afraid of getting them angry with them which is why they tell them they don't need help. They've said totally different things to your brothers than what they've said to you. The real problem seems to lie with your parents. I think you do some of what you do for them out of guilt. You know they need the help and, even if you're tired of helping them without your brothers stepping in to do their share, you still do it. It LOOKS like your parents are using you, Cats. I hate to say that but it is what I'm seeing. They don't seem to care about your feelings and, now, there is a secret you feel bound to keep from your husband. When that comes out, and it will, it will hurt your marriage. You have to sit yourself down and ask yourself which you care more about. You should never have to choose between your parents and your husband but your parents have put you in this position and it's just not right! Maybe your brothers know more about your parents than you do which is why they stay away. Maybe they have seen the discontent your parents can cause and stay away to avoid their own marital problems. You are NOT stuck there, Cats. You have every right to do just as your brothers do. I honestly think you SHOULD go somewhere with your husband and enjoy yourselves for a change. If you want, call or email your brothers and tell them you and Jimmy are going away so they'll have to help your parents. Then, just leave. Don't wait for them to respond. Just do it! By doing that, you will reinforce your marriage, get a much needed break, and put your brothers in the responsible seat for a change. Life is short, Cats. Don't waste it by sacrificing yourself and your marriage to help your parents. Help them, sure, but don't put your own life on hold until they die. When you want or need to do something for yourself, just let your brothers know that you will be unavailable and let them handle things. Tell the same thing to your parents. That is what I would do if I were in your shoes.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
I think mom is realizing it now and is why she didn’t want me to tell hubby out of fear it would cause more problems which isn’t what she wants but if she’d only see that telling my brothers a different story than what she tells us is hurting hubby and I and letting my brothers sit on their tail and go on these lavish vacations is hurting hubby and I because we can’t go on such a thing because we’re swamped with so much to do with our own home AND theirs not to mention, running out of money! I certainly can’t just leave them there with all the things they need done. They can’t do it and if my brothers won’t and if we back out, who’s going to help them? Nobody. So we have to do it. My brothers won’t come down here to check on them. I know that they won’t. Maybe they’ll call but gee, if something is wrong, they’re 4 and 5 hours drive away! I haven’t talked to my middle brother in almost a year. I don’t care to either unless he decides to come off of his apology. I can not let go the number of times he’s hurt me and I’ve kept silent. I’ve reached my boiling point and let him have it. He will never ever be allowed to talk to me like a dog ever again! Nor will he ever be allowed to exclude me from this family ever again either! Now as for my oldest brother, I’ve tried to talk to him a year ago and he jumped all over me when I needed him the most so I’m not going back for more. I did send him a message that I needed to talk to him about those damned renters and he talked to me like a normal person should’ve but I don’t want to push my chances with him again. He’s got a terrible temper and hubby will not stand for that to happen again and if it does, hubby will let him have it and then my brother will come down here and cause a ruckus in which hubby will have him arrested. That will drive my parents over the edge for sure and then where will I be? Guilty for the rest of my damned life! I’m so scared of causing a ruckus that will end my parents being on this earth so I suck it up and deal with it. I don’t want to but what choice do I have? My family is the worst for being dysfunctional. I hate to say that but it’s the truth! If I do this, I’ll get this, if I do that, I’ll get that! Is it fair? Hell no it’s not fair! But it’s how it is. It’s up to my parents to ask them and to tell them the truth that it’s not fair that these two keep doing all these things when you’re every bit a part of this family too and should help. Sheesh! We’re only asking – drive 4 or 5 hours down here, work a couple to three hours then drive 4 or 5 hours back home every 4 to 6 weeks!! Not every damned weekend!! Gee, we’re not morons nor are we unfeeling either! But they don’t get it. Maybe I am doing it partly out of guilt. I don’t know. I know I was a rotten kid growing up but look at what I had to deal with! Mom has told several people that she doesn’t have a daughter because she’s disowned me. Well had she been a better mother to me and figured out why I was doing the things I was then maybe we’d had a better relationship but she didn’t! I acted out because I felt unloved and unwanted for so long! I’d like to see her go through rape, molestation and attempted rape by 14 damned people from the time I was 8 till I was 16 and see if she’d come out smelling like a rose!! I bet she couldn’t!! I’m no different! I had to learn the hard way what love really was! But I’ve done a 180 degree turn many many years ago and sometimes she’ll only see the past and smacks me in the face with it, once through my hubby and damn right that hurt! I told dad about it and told him too that if she did it again, it would be the end of us because I think I made a turn around many many years ago and stayed there. He said “You did!” Since then, mom has treated me like gold…. Pretty much. Ever since I was a kid, one day she’d be nice and then the next she’d be the biggest b*tch one has ever seen! Sometimes these mood swings would go on for months and even years!! One Christmas she gave me a necklace and I’ll never forget it, it said “#1 Daughter”! I cried and without thinking I said, “Oh mom! Do you really feel this way?” She grabbed me and hugged me tight and said “Of course! I love you because you’re my wonderful daughter!” Then she turns on me again a few years later and for what reason? I’ll never know. My brothers are forthright in saying what’s on their minds. I wish I could be but mom knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like the guilty one. She raised me to be ever so damned sensitive! For example “Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone did that to you” or “If I don’t see you do it, God does” Or “How can you hurt me like that when all I’ve ever done is love you!” Now my brothers would tell her off but I just can’t. I know my middle brother has told her to go F herself!! He told me that himself! I about lit him up a new one!! It’s one thing to tell her off but damn it all, that’s his mother as well as mine so he better respect her. It’s ok to tell her how he feels but to tell her off like that is a big no no. My oldest brother will go off on her and then storm out the door and leave. But mom knows I won’t do that but sit there and let her throw it all at me. Maybe I am stupid for doing that but I walked out on her once and I was 18 at that time and to this day! Even after explaining WHY I left, apparently she’s forgotten that, I still hear about it!! Well, the last time she said anything about it was a couple of years ago and that’s when I told dad that if it happens again, I’m through. He knows I mean it too and that's why mom has been much kinder to me since then and then she had the stroke.
@mentalward (14716)
• United States
18 Oct 09
It sure does sound like you're between a rock and a hard place. I honestly think that most families are "dysfunctional" to some extent. I'm just very glad that you have myLot to vent. When we're stuck in a position that really sucks, the best thing we can do is vent. Holding all that in could be disastrous! So, vent away, gal! Try to hang in there and know that this situation will not last forever. I don't think anyone wants to think about our parent's deaths, but they do happen. It sounds to me like you'll be so much happier away from your entire family. I know that can't happen right now and I know how sad you'll be when your parents leave this place but at least you'll have some peace. Until then, just come here and vent whenever you have to. Your friends understand.
1 person likes this
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
15 Oct 09
Hey Sweetie, First of all, I love your new avatar!! Now, you shoulf definately tell your brothers you need their help. When they ask about your hubby, tell them he has business of his own to take care of and that he has done way more than his share. Now it's time for them to step up. Maybe you should call your dad and ask him to help as well. When asked about hubby, tell him the same. If your Mom wants you to keep secrets then she should already know the reason he's not there. I just don't know how long you can be the YoYo to your Family. If I have over stepped my friendship here, please forgive me but I just can't help but worry about you. Your parents should be asking wherre are your brothers? Leenie
2 people like this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Hi leenie! Thanks for your kind words on my avatar! It's suppose to be animated but for some reason, I can't get it to work! ARG!! Oh well, it's still cute, huh? I'm going to do a copy and paste here because it's a rather long response. Whew wee!! yeah, really long. I think mom is realizing it now and is why she didn’t want me to tell hubby out of fear it would cause more problems which isn’t what she wants but if she’d only see that telling my brothers a different story than what she tells us is hurting hubby and I and letting my brothers sit on their tail and go on these lavish vacations is hurting hubby and I because we can’t go on such a thing because we’re swamped with so much to do with our own home AND theirs not to mention, running out of money! I certainly can’t just leave them there with all the things they need done. They can’t do it and if my brothers won’t and if we back out, who’s going to help them? Nobody. So we have to do it. My brothers won’t come down here to check on them. I know that they won’t. Maybe they’ll call but gee, if something is wrong, they’re 4 and 5 hours drive away! I haven’t talked to my middle brother in almost a year. I don’t care to either unless he decides to come off of his apology. I can not let go the number of times he’s hurt me and I’ve kept silent. I’ve reached my boiling point and let him have it. He will never ever be allowed to talk to me like a dog ever again! Nor will he ever be allowed to exclude me from this family ever again either! Now as for my oldest brother, I’ve tried to talk to him a year ago and he jumped all over me when I needed him the most so I’m not going back for more. I did send him a message that I needed to talk to him about those damned renters and he talked to me like a normal person should’ve but I don’t want to push my chances with him again. He’s got a terrible temper and hubby will not stand for that to happen again and if it does, hubby will let him have it and then my brother will come down here and cause a ruckus in which hubby will have him arrested. That will drive my parents over the edge for sure and then where will I be? Guilty for the rest of my damned life! I’m so scared of causing a ruckus that will end my parents being on this earth so I suck it up and deal with it. I don’t want to but what choice do I have? My family is the worst for being dysfunctional. I hate to say that but it’s the truth! If I do this, I’ll get this, if I do that, I’ll get that! Is it fair? Hell no it’s not fair! But it’s how it is. It’s up to my parents to ask them and to tell them the truth that it’s not fair that these two keep doing all these things when you’re every bit a part of this family too and should help. Sheesh! We’re only asking – drive 4 or 5 hours down here, work a couple to three hours then drive 4 or 5 hours back home every 4 to 6 weeks!! Not every damned weekend!! Gee, we’re not morons nor are we unfeeling either! But they don’t get it. Maybe I am doing it partly out of guilt. I don’t know. I know I was a rotten kid growing up but look at what I had to deal with! Mom has told several people that she doesn’t have a daughter because she’s disowned me. Well had she been a better mother to me and figured out why I was doing the things I was then maybe we’d had a better relationship but she didn’t! I acted out because I felt unloved and unwanted for so long! I’d like to see her go through rape, molestation and attempted rape by 14 damned people from the time I was 8 till I was 16 and see if she’d come out smelling like a rose!! I bet she couldn’t!! I’m no different! I had to learn the hard way what love really was! But I’ve done a 180 degree turn many many years ago and sometimes she’ll only see the past and smacks me in the face with it, once through my hubby and damn right that hurt! I told dad about it and told him too that if she did it again, it would be the end of us because I think I made a turn around many many years ago and stayed there. He said “You did!” Since then, mom has treated me like gold…. Pretty much. Ever since I was a kid, one day she’d be nice and then the next she’d be the biggest b*tch one has ever seen! Sometimes these mood swings would go on for months and even years!! One Christmas she gave me a necklace and I’ll never forget it, it said “#1 Daughter”! I cried and without thinking I said, “Oh mom! Do you really feel this way?” She grabbed me and hugged me tight and said “Of course! I love you because you’re my wonderful daughter!” Then she turns on me again a few years later and for what reason? I’ll never know. My brothers are forthright in saying what’s on their minds. I wish I could be but mom knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like the guilty one. She raised me to be ever so damned sensitive! For example “Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone did that to you” or “If I don’t see you do it, God does” Or “How can you hurt me like that when all I’ve ever done is love you!” Now my brothers would tell her off but I just can’t. I know my middle brother has told her to go F herself!! He told me that himself! I about lit him up a new one!! It’s one thing to tell her off but damn it all, that’s his mother as well as mine so he better respect her. It’s ok to tell her how he feels but to tell her off like that is a big no no. My oldest brother will go off on her and then storm out the door and leave. But mom knows I won’t do that but sit there and let her throw it all at me. Maybe I am stupid for doing that but I walked out on her once and I was 18 at that time and to this day! Even after explaining WHY I left, apparently she’s forgotten that, I still hear about it!! Well, the last time she said anything about it was a couple of years ago and that’s when I told dad that if it happens again, I’m through. He knows I mean it too and that's why mom has been much kinder to me since then and then she had the stroke.
@leenie50 (3992)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Sweetie, I had no idea about the rapes and all the horrible things that were done to you. Do you mind if I ask who and when did it all happen? You can email me or pm me. Did your parents know? Did they blame you? If you acted out, I can certainly understand why. You have nothing to feel guilty about. What happened to you should never happen to a child or anyone else. What is a litlle girl suppose to do with all that physical and emotional abuse? In spite of all that you have turned into a Fine Woman. You deserve to be praised not put down and used and abused. Your Family should have nothing but Love and Respect for you, as I do, for the wonderful woman you've turned out to be. And most of all, you did not and I'll say it again, you DID NOT cause your Mothers stroke!!! You have nothing to feel guilty about. I am so sorry for all you've been through. You and Jimmy should be happy now. Love You Leenie
1 person likes this
@mdmdeg (38)
• Philippines
18 Oct 09
1) I think it would be honest to tell them the truth. 2) you can ask your brothers to help your parents.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
18 Oct 09
I did finally tell my husband and he was really good about it. I have asked my brothers for help and the oldest jumped down my throat but apologized for it two days later but knowing he's a hot head, I'm not willing to stick my hand in the cage to get bitten again. My middle brother jumped all over me with really mean and hateful words almost a year ago and we haven't spoken since unless it's through text or email and ONLY about our parents and that's it. It's an ONLY if we have to type of thing. It's my parents job to ask them to help and not have hubby and I do everything. Granted, my brothers are 4 and 5 hours away but all we're asking is for them to drive the 4 and 5 hours down here, spend a couple or few hours helping with what ever is needed and then go back home every 4 to 6 weeks! That's not asking a lot, at least I don't think so.
@mdmdeg (38)
• Philippines
19 Oct 09
I am sorry. I did not know that they would react that way. Just be strong.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
16 Oct 09
Cats...I have looked at your situation and thought to myself about what I would do if I was in your shoes. I will be honest here; if this were me I would be fed up too. You have your own home and responsibilities and cannot live your life being the only one to help your parents, it is just not fair. If I were you I would gather the entire family and work out a plan to assist your parent that EVERYBODY will contribute to. Be very careful of keeping secrets from your husband, it will not do your marriage any good and it is an unjust thing to ask of you, I think and it is time your parents understand this because I think they too are being unfair to you. You can’t be in control of your parents’ life and worry about every single thing that needs doing. It is up to them to ask for help when they need it. In my opinion I don’t think it’s healthy for you or your marriage to go on like this. I hope I didn’t say anything disrespectful to you or your family, I just worry about you...
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Hi Paula, I've done a copy and paste of one of my longest responses EVER! lol Hope you don't mind for this is much easier to do than retyping it all over again.... I think mom is realizing it now and is why she didn’t want me to tell hubby out of fear it would cause more problems which isn’t what she wants but if she’d only see that telling my brothers a different story than what she tells us is hurting hubby and I and letting my brothers sit on their tail and go on these lavish vacations is hurting hubby and I because we can’t go on such a thing because we’re swamped with so much to do with our own home AND theirs not to mention, running out of money! I certainly can’t just leave them there with all the things they need done. They can’t do it and if my brothers won’t and if we back out, who’s going to help them? Nobody. So we have to do it. My brothers won’t come down here to check on them. I know that they won’t. Maybe they’ll call but gee, if something is wrong, they’re 4 and 5 hours drive away! I haven’t talked to my middle brother in almost a year. I don’t care to either unless he decides to come off of his apology. I can not let go the number of times he’s hurt me and I’ve kept silent. I’ve reached my boiling point and let him have it. He will never ever be allowed to talk to me like a dog ever again! Nor will he ever be allowed to exclude me from this family ever again either! Now as for my oldest brother, I’ve tried to talk to him a year ago and he jumped all over me when I needed him the most so I’m not going back for more. I did send him a message that I needed to talk to him about those damned renters and he talked to me like a normal person should’ve but I don’t want to push my chances with him again. He’s got a terrible temper and hubby will not stand for that to happen again and if it does, hubby will let him have it and then my brother will come down here and cause a ruckus in which hubby will have him arrested. That will drive my parents over the edge for sure and then where will I be? Guilty for the rest of my damned life! I’m so scared of causing a ruckus that will end my parents being on this earth so I suck it up and deal with it. I don’t want to but what choice do I have? My family is the worst for being dysfunctional. I hate to say that but it’s the truth! If I do this, I’ll get this, if I do that, I’ll get that! Is it fair? Hell no it’s not fair! But it’s how it is. It’s up to my parents to ask them and to tell them the truth that it’s not fair that these two keep doing all these things when you’re every bit a part of this family too and should help. Sheesh! We’re only asking – drive 4 or 5 hours down here, work a couple to three hours then drive 4 or 5 hours back home every 4 to 6 weeks!! Not every damned weekend!! Gee, we’re not morons nor are we unfeeling either! But they don’t get it. Maybe I am doing it partly out of guilt. I don’t know. I know I was a rotten kid growing up but look at what I had to deal with! Mom has told several people that she doesn’t have a daughter because she’s disowned me. Well had she been a better mother to me and figured out why I was doing the things I was then maybe we’d had a better relationship but she didn’t! I acted out because I felt unloved and unwanted for so long! I’d like to see her go through rape, molestation and attempted rape by 14 damned people from the time I was 8 till I was 16 and see if she’d come out smelling like a rose!! I bet she couldn’t!! I’m no different! I had to learn the hard way what love really was! But I’ve done a 180 degree turn many many years ago and sometimes she’ll only see the past and smacks me in the face with it, once through my hubby and damn right that hurt! I told dad about it and told him too that if she did it again, it would be the end of us because I think I made a turn around many many years ago and stayed there. He said “You did!” Since then, mom has treated me like gold…. Pretty much. Ever since I was a kid, one day she’d be nice and then the next she’d be the biggest b*tch one has ever seen! Sometimes these mood swings would go on for months and even years!! One Christmas she gave me a necklace and I’ll never forget it, it said “#1 Daughter”! I cried and without thinking I said, “Oh mom! Do you really feel this way?” She grabbed me and hugged me tight and said “Of course! I love you because you’re my wonderful daughter!” Then she turns on me again a few years later and for what reason? I’ll never know. My brothers are forthright in saying what’s on their minds. I wish I could be but mom knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like the guilty one. She raised me to be ever so damned sensitive! For example “Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone did that to you” or “If I don’t see you do it, God does” Or “How can you hurt me like that when all I’ve ever done is love you!” Now my brothers would tell her off but I just can’t. I know my middle brother has told her to go F herself!! He told me that himself! I about lit him up a new one!! It’s one thing to tell her off but damn it all, that’s his mother as well as mine so he better respect her. It’s ok to tell her how he feels but to tell her off like that is a big no no. My oldest brother will go off on her and then storm out the door and leave. But mom knows I won’t do that but sit there and let her throw it all at me. Maybe I am stupid for doing that but I walked out on her once and I was 18 at that time and to this day! Even after explaining WHY I left, apparently she’s forgotten that, I still hear about it!! Well, the last time she said anything about it was a couple of years ago and that’s when I told dad that if it happens again, I’m through. He knows I mean it too and that's why mom has been much kinder to me since then and then she had the stroke.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
18 Oct 09
It is obviously very complicated and I can relate to that because I've always had huge issues with my family too. I hope your mother's mood swings subside and you can keep improving your relationship...
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36491)
• United States
16 Oct 09
I really can't blame your hubby for feeling the way he does w/all that goes on & I know he gets tried of them keeping u upset all the time. Tell everybody the truth & let them take it however they want to. U know your brothers aren't going to help they never do. It's not your place or hubby's to do it all but that seems to be the way it goes down.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Hi Jo! I'm going to copy and paste my LONG response because it is rather long! lol I think mom is realizing it now and is why she didn’t want me to tell hubby out of fear it would cause more problems which isn’t what she wants but if she’d only see that telling my brothers a different story than what she tells us is hurting hubby and I and letting my brothers sit on their tail and go on these lavish vacations is hurting hubby and I because we can’t go on such a thing because we’re swamped with so much to do with our own home AND theirs not to mention, running out of money! I certainly can’t just leave them there with all the things they need done. They can’t do it and if my brothers won’t and if we back out, who’s going to help them? Nobody. So we have to do it. My brothers won’t come down here to check on them. I know that they won’t. Maybe they’ll call but gee, if something is wrong, they’re 4 and 5 hours drive away! I haven’t talked to my middle brother in almost a year. I don’t care to either unless he decides to come off of his apology. I can not let go the number of times he’s hurt me and I’ve kept silent. I’ve reached my boiling point and let him have it. He will never ever be allowed to talk to me like a dog ever again! Nor will he ever be allowed to exclude me from this family ever again either! Now as for my oldest brother, I’ve tried to talk to him a year ago and he jumped all over me when I needed him the most so I’m not going back for more. I did send him a message that I needed to talk to him about those damned renters and he talked to me like a normal person should’ve but I don’t want to push my chances with him again. He’s got a terrible temper and hubby will not stand for that to happen again and if it does, hubby will let him have it and then my brother will come down here and cause a ruckus in which hubby will have him arrested. That will drive my parents over the edge for sure and then where will I be? Guilty for the rest of my damned life! I’m so scared of causing a ruckus that will end my parents being on this earth so I suck it up and deal with it. I don’t want to but what choice do I have? My family is the worst for being dysfunctional. I hate to say that but it’s the truth! If I do this, I’ll get this, if I do that, I’ll get that! Is it fair? Hell no it’s not fair! But it’s how it is. It’s up to my parents to ask them and to tell them the truth that it’s not fair that these two keep doing all these things when you’re every bit a part of this family too and should help. Sheesh! We’re only asking – drive 4 or 5 hours down here, work a couple to three hours then drive 4 or 5 hours back home every 4 to 6 weeks!! Not every damned weekend!! Gee, we’re not morons nor are we unfeeling either! But they don’t get it. Maybe I am doing it partly out of guilt. I don’t know. I know I was a rotten kid growing up but look at what I had to deal with! Mom has told several people that she doesn’t have a daughter because she’s disowned me. Well had she been a better mother to me and figured out why I was doing the things I was then maybe we’d had a better relationship but she didn’t! I acted out because I felt unloved and unwanted for so long! I’d like to see her go through rape, molestation and attempted rape by 14 damned people from the time I was 8 till I was 16 and see if she’d come out smelling like a rose!! I bet she couldn’t!! I’m no different! I had to learn the hard way what love really was! But I’ve done a 180 degree turn many many years ago and sometimes she’ll only see the past and smacks me in the face with it, once through my hubby and damn right that hurt! I told dad about it and told him too that if she did it again, it would be the end of us because I think I made a turn around many many years ago and stayed there. He said “You did!” Since then, mom has treated me like gold…. Pretty much. Ever since I was a kid, one day she’d be nice and then the next she’d be the biggest b*tch one has ever seen! Sometimes these mood swings would go on for months and even years!! One Christmas she gave me a necklace and I’ll never forget it, it said “#1 Daughter”! I cried and without thinking I said, “Oh mom! Do you really feel this way?” She grabbed me and hugged me tight and said “Of course! I love you because you’re my wonderful daughter!” Then she turns on me again a few years later and for what reason? I’ll never know. My brothers are forthright in saying what’s on their minds. I wish I could be but mom knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like the guilty one. She raised me to be ever so damned sensitive! For example “Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone did that to you” or “If I don’t see you do it, God does” Or “How can you hurt me like that when all I’ve ever done is love you!” Now my brothers would tell her off but I just can’t. I know my middle brother has told her to go F herself!! He told me that himself! I about lit him up a new one!! It’s one thing to tell her off but damn it all, that’s his mother as well as mine so he better respect her. It’s ok to tell her how he feels but to tell her off like that is a big no no. My oldest brother will go off on her and then storm out the door and leave. But mom knows I won’t do that but sit there and let her throw it all at me. Maybe I am stupid for doing that but I walked out on her once and I was 18 at that time and to this day! Even after explaining WHY I left, apparently she’s forgotten that, I still hear about it!! Well, the last time she said anything about it was a couple of years ago and that’s when I told dad that if it happens again, I’m through. He knows I mean it too and that's why mom has been much kinder to me since then and then she had the stroke.
1 person likes this
@ANTIQUELADY (36491)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Cat, i have told u before how i feel about the way they do u. I'm sorry they do u that way, sorry for all u have been through in your life & i mean it w/all my heart. I really can't say anything good about your parents & the way they do u so i'm not going to say anymore because i don't want to hurt your feelings or make u mad but i will say this. U might try telling them the same thing ur brother did & leave them along till they have to call the brothers. They are going to cause u to have a stroke, heart attack Or worse plus they are going to cause u to lose your marriage if u aren't careful. nuff' said.love & hugs.
@Hatley (161888)
• Garden Grove, California
26 Oct 09
hi catsanddogs I think I have an inspiration. Go get an estimate on how much these jobs would cost if your parents had to have outside help to get them done. Then tell your brothers either get your tails over here and do these tasks, or I am going to get outside help in to do them, and tell them to bill you, my dear brothers. That might just jar them into doing what they should have been doing all along. I can sort of see why your husband has got fed up. Your brothers should be left out of your mom's will for sure. But do it, get some estimates then infer that if they do not lend you a lot of hands ,you will get outsiders to do it and bill it to them,your brothers that is.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
26 Oct 09
I LOVE it!! You have one GREAT idea!! That just might get my brothers off of their azzes and help out!! LMBO!! Thanks Hatley for such a great idea!! LMBO!!
@love_all (309)
• India
16 Oct 09
i really don't know what exactly is the scene behind ur husband's mind that's leading to such situations.. there are somethings which one should always follow in relationships, atleast with the family members... there should be no ego... with the spouse, parents or inlaws... i too was in such a situation when i was newly married, but the only solution that looks to me is to be calm and sort it out with ur husband.. talk to him openly what he wants.. and what ur expectations are... u should treat his parents as ur own.. and he should do the same.. then only can a family run properly... the best way is talking to ur hubby and try to build a friendly relationship between ur parents and him.. believe me it is only ur parents, his parents and he will b with u in time os trouble... and never ur brothers.. there are very less people who are lucky enuf to have such good brothers and sisters who treat them the same after marriage as it used to be before... gud luck.. keep in touch..
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
The whole point is, it shouldn't be just my husband and I doing all this work for my parents but my brothers and their wives should help too but they won't because they have one excuse after another. All we're asking is for my brothers to come down ever 4 to 6 weeks and spend a couple to three hours helping out and return home if they wish and return in another 4 to 6 weeks. Not every weekend for we do understand that they live so far away, 4 and 5 hours drive away.
@madhuvamsi (1185)
• India
16 Oct 09
If your parents wants help from your husband then they have to invite him and if not your hubby will not volenterly come and help your family and that is sure. So, now you have to either help your parents alone or hire some maid to clean up the house. If maid is expensive then you alone had to help your parents, you have no other choice.. If you wish your brothers and other members need to be united and help you and your parents then there should be a family get together and sort out all the differences.. All the best.. :)
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
If I could get my brothers down here for a meeting, I would in a split second but I can't because they won't come at the same time. They'll have one excuse after another so it's no use in trying. Besides, that's my parents job, not mine and only wish they'd do it.
@allknowing (56732)
• India
16 Oct 09
Tell your parents to come down their pedestal as it is they who need help and if your husband wants them to take the initiative and approach for help they should relent. This could even be a step towards rapproachment on a permanent basis Seniors need to swallow humble pies as they have no other alternative.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
(looking over my shoulder to see if you're talking someone else then back to you) Who? My parents come down off their pedestal? Are you kidding? HA! I'm not holding my breath and neither should you! Doesn't it make you wonder what's wrong with that generation?!
@stephcjh (32385)
• United States
16 Oct 09
I hate being put ont he spot like that. I would just say that it would be better left unsaid and that you are there to help them regardless. I would let your siblings know that it would be nice if the kids could get together and help the parents out instead also to keep your hubby out of it. I explode when things like this happen to me also.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Who are you kidding Steph? I've tried that, the first time I got chewed out by both of my brothers! I won't stick my hand in the cage to be bitten ever again. It's up to my parents to tell them and stop covering it up for them but to tell them that it's not fair that hubby and I do all the work when it should be shared.
@athomice (396)
• Philippines
16 Oct 09
That's a tough one! Can you still go on? If not, bow your head and pray sincerely to God. Ask God for strength and wisdom, lift up your burden to him and believe in him. Just keep on praying and one day you will just see that the Lord God already answered your prayers. I'm sorry if I'm not able to help you with words but I hope this simple note can make you breathe freely. KEEP PRAYING! KEEP BELIEVING! God Bless!
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
It's a bit better now thank you!! I told my husband about it and he's been really great about it all and isn't going to say anything to my parents, thank God!! I agree, Keep praying and Keep believing!! You better believe that!! BTW, WELCOME TO MYLOT!!
@bing28 (3799)
• Philippines
16 Oct 09
You'll be blessed with your love for your parents. Just do what you can, don't be in a hurry to finish everything. Your parents will understand at if least little by little you do help. Pray to God to touch your brothers and extend help to your parents. Leave your hubby's decision first. Later he'll understand. I just wish if your brothers don't want to help, they may give you money for you to hire other person in doing the job. I wish you'll have the peace of mind the soonest, Cats dear.
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Thank You bing! Yes I will pray a little harder in hopes God gets through to my two self centered brothers! Maybe He'll even give them both a swift kick in their rear ends for being so selfish!
@Thoroughrob (11771)
• United States
16 Oct 09
The first thing you do is not worry about getting it all done. You are just one person. You do what absolutely needs done. I am sure the railing could actually wait. I would not worry about the pressure washing. It is not your job to put everything on your shoulders. Take care of what has to be, and go from there. Take one day at a time, and stop taking it all to heart. You are going to drive yourself into a stroke. I would not tell your parents anything, but maybe that he doesn't feel like coming. You might have to say something later, but leave it at that until then. Make things as easy on yourself as you can. Your husband has done more than his share, and so have you. It is getting too much for you to take care of things, and that is telling me that it is time to get them out of there and into a senior complex or somewhere that does the upkeep. I realize money is tight, but I do think that is where you are at.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
I wish I could get them out of there and into an assisted living facility but neither of them will consider it. If I can get them to open up their mouths and tell my brothers themselves that they do need help, it'll be a huge milestone crossed but I don't think it'll ever happen. We'll just have to take it one day at a time and do what we can when we can.
• Canada
16 Oct 09
The first thing I would do would be apologizing to my mother for making an unfair promise to HER. it's unfair to all involved that a) she asked you not to tell hubby b) that you agreed not to tell hubby, and c) that you did not tell your hubby. My hhubby and I DO NOT KEEP SECRETS from eachother, and if someone asked us to, we'd tell the person to kiss our bums. So if telling your hubby would help the situation, make it right so you can tell him. Tell your mother that you should NOT have agreed to make a promise that you were not able to keep, and that now you have no choice but to tell Hubby, because it's weighging on your conscience. That's what I'd do.
1 person likes this
@CatsandDogs (13964)
• United States
17 Oct 09
Hi danish, I'm doing a copy and paste here for it's a rather LONG response. lol Hope you don't mind but it's the only way I know how to explain it all. Once I get it down right, or close to it because there's so many curves and corners that branch out, it's hard to get it all down at once. I think I got most of it here. I think mom is realizing it now and is why she didn’t want me to tell hubby out of fear it would cause more problems which isn’t what she wants but if she’d only see that telling my brothers a different story than what she tells us is hurting hubby and I and letting my brothers sit on their tail and go on these lavish vacations is hurting hubby and I because we can’t go on such a thing because we’re swamped with so much to do with our own home AND theirs not to mention, running out of money! I certainly can’t just leave them there with all the things they need done. They can’t do it and if my brothers won’t and if we back out, who’s going to help them? Nobody. So we have to do it. My brothers won’t come down here to check on them. I know that they won’t. Maybe they’ll call but gee, if something is wrong, they’re 4 and 5 hours drive away! I haven’t talked to my middle brother in almost a year. I don’t care to either unless he decides to come off of his apology. I can not let go the number of times he’s hurt me and I’ve kept silent. I’ve reached my boiling point and let him have it. He will never ever be allowed to talk to me like a dog ever again! Nor will he ever be allowed to exclude me from this family ever again either! Now as for my oldest brother, I’ve tried to talk to him a year ago and he jumped all over me when I needed him the most so I’m not going back for more. I did send him a message that I needed to talk to him about those damned renters and he talked to me like a normal person should’ve but I don’t want to push my chances with him again. He’s got a terrible temper and hubby will not stand for that to happen again and if it does, hubby will let him have it and then my brother will come down here and cause a ruckus in which hubby will have him arrested. That will drive my parents over the edge for sure and then where will I be? Guilty for the rest of my damned life! I’m so scared of causing a ruckus that will end my parents being on this earth so I suck it up and deal with it. I don’t want to but what choice do I have? My family is the worst for being dysfunctional. I hate to say that but it’s the truth! If I do this, I’ll get this, if I do that, I’ll get that! Is it fair? Hell no it’s not fair! But it’s how it is. It’s up to my parents to ask them and to tell them the truth that it’s not fair that these two keep doing all these things when you’re every bit a part of this family too and should help. Sheesh! We’re only asking – drive 4 or 5 hours down here, work a couple to three hours then drive 4 or 5 hours back home every 4 to 6 weeks!! Not every damned weekend!! Gee, we’re not morons nor are we unfeeling either! But they don’t get it. Maybe I am doing it partly out of guilt. I don’t know. I know I was a rotten kid growing up but look at what I had to deal with! Mom has told several people that she doesn’t have a daughter because she’s disowned me. Well had she been a better mother to me and figured out why I was doing the things I was then maybe we’d had a better relationship but she didn’t! I acted out because I felt unloved and unwanted for so long! I’d like to see her go through rape, molestation and attempted rape by 14 damned people from the time I was 8 till I was 16 and see if she’d come out smelling like a rose!! I bet she couldn’t!! I’m no different! I had to learn the hard way what love really was! But I’ve done a 180 degree turn many many years ago and sometimes she’ll only see the past and smacks me in the face with it, once through my hubby and damn right that hurt! I told dad about it and told him too that if she did it again, it would be the end of us because I think I made a turn around many many years ago and stayed there. He said “You did!” Since then, mom has treated me like gold…. Pretty much. Ever since I was a kid, one day she’d be nice and then the next she’d be the biggest b*tch one has ever seen! Sometimes these mood swings would go on for months and even years!! One Christmas she gave me a necklace and I’ll never forget it, it said “#1 Daughter”! I cried and without thinking I said, “Oh mom! Do you really feel this way?” She grabbed me and hugged me tight and said “Of course! I love you because you’re my wonderful daughter!” Then she turns on me again a few years later and for what reason? I’ll never know. My brothers are forthright in saying what’s on their minds. I wish I could be but mom knows how to push my buttons and make me feel like the guilty one. She raised me to be ever so damned sensitive! For example “Put yourself in their shoes, how would you feel if someone did that to you” or “If I don’t see you do it, God does” Or “How can you hurt me like that when all I’ve ever done is love you!” Now my brothers would tell her off but I just can’t. I know my middle brother has told her to go F herself!! He told me that himself! I about lit him up a new one!! It’s one thing to tell her off but damn it all, that’s his mother as well as mine so he better respect her. It’s ok to tell her how he feels but to tell her off like that is a big no no. My oldest brother will go off on her and then storm out the door and leave. But mom knows I won’t do that but sit there and let her throw it all at me. Maybe I am stupid for doing that but I walked out on her once and I was 18 at that time and to this day! Even after explaining WHY I left, apparently she’s forgotten that, I still hear about it!! Well, the last time she said anything about it was a couple of years ago and that’s when I told dad that if it happens again, I’m through. He knows I mean it too and that's why mom has been much kinder to me since then and then she had the stroke.