Ive written a poem, people plz read them for my sake n tell me which part needs attention!

@mdaazam (826)
Indore, India
October 21, 2009 4:11pm CST
The survivor These eyes are wide open forever now, for they have seen things, seen things that this man was listening for ages, from the time he was a child, he knew what would it be like, but never knew what would it be like to him, every scarlet is blood to him now, every voice is a scream to him now, every silence is a haunting hallow now, this man of war will soon be forgotten and so will be his comrades who died in his arms, men who stared in his eyes whilst dying and stared forever, comrades who come when he tries to sleep asking why did he let them die , he can never forget those friends lying on the land, gasping for a single more breath each time, never can he forget the blood, guts and parts of men, and will find them everywhere around him where ever shall he go, now hes no one but a a boy who walks alone in the dark , a boy who gets frightened on every noise, a boy who screams every morning before rising, a boy who cries and hates himself for being alive, a boy who hates himself for a survivor .
2 responses
@merlinsorca (1123)
• United States
21 Oct 09
First off, I think that this is a great poem, it was not too abstract and I understood it well. I especially like the ending, I think that it was very nicely written. Well, in my opinion (just my opinion...) I believe that since you used the word "comrades" so close to each other it looks repetitive, and it would look better if you used another word... "never can he forget the blood, guts and parts of men" is a bit too long compared to the rest. I think that you wouldn't need guts AND parts of men since the guts are already a part of a man... Nice poem
@mdaazam (826)
• Indore, India
21 Oct 09
Hey thanks a lot man i sure will erase that gut thing ,
@Xygatrix (103)
• United States
22 Oct 09
Only one part that needs improvement: line 9. Maybe instead of scarlet, say crimson. Other than that, fantastic!