Why is it so hard to teach an adult?

@oasis_9 (833)
Philippines
October 27, 2009 8:50am CST
Just been bothered with a family feud that's been going on been our family and my uncles. Well its really not a family feud because my family only hates my uncles wife. It started with just pity differences now turned into war. Come to think of it, its really just so childish. All we want was that for her to admit her mistakes and get on with our lives...Simple right? But no, instead she and her pride is too high for apologies. It started with every couples normal (i think) misunderstandings. She keeps on nagging about how worthless my uncle is and stuff. What make it worst is that she would include our family in one of her nags. Saying untrue things like we don't help them...nag nag nag... Its just get's old when you keep on hearing it over and over again. Now modesty aside we are really kind, charitable people. We'd help everybody who'd ask us for help. And we don't ask for something in return. But its a different thing if you learned that your simple act of kindness is not appreciated, right? That what she have able to show us. All the help we did for their family were nothing to her! just plain ungrateful. And now its as if she is waiting for us to make the first step in settling our differences... That she wont ask for forgiveness because she think she's right! This would be simple if you are dealing with a 4 year kid but when your dealing with an adult its really is complicated. No body wants to listen because both thinks they are right. Just so hard... How do you handle this type of situation? and what's the best thing to do?
5 people like this
15 responses
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Hi Oasis, its true, adults are hard to teach because they are used to their attitude already. They always think they are right because that was they have been doing eversince. If i were you, stop helping her so that she will realize the importance of your help. When she nags, go away and don't listen. She will just stop talking when she knew that she's talking to noone. I have an aunt who's like that. She is old already and single and she stays with us from the time my parents were married. We got used to her already and we just laugh at her nagging. She also stops nagging when shes tired already. Adults are hard to train, they are like sturdy trees, very hard to bend. Good luck!
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
29 Oct 09
I don't want to train her really just want her to admit she's wrong and be done with it but no she continue to stand her ground. Just plain stubborn i guess.
• Philippines
29 Oct 09
Maybe she really intends to be like that. Lets just wish that one day she'll rialize what shes doing.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
29 Oct 09
I do hope so...but not likely to happened
@checkmail (2042)
• India
28 Oct 09
Hello oasis_9 this is checkmail and often face the same problem myself.Actually its the pride, prestige, knowledge, age, and experience that comes in way of learning of adults.For example if we examine ourself we aren't ready to sacrifice the above stated values in order to learn from someone who is less in age and experience than us.This problem can only be overcomed by friendly nature and sporty spirit in our self.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
29 Oct 09
If more people are just open minded about things a be happy with being corrected then maybe this problem wouldn't be this common amongst family. It just sad though shouldn't it that family should stick together no matter what and not destroy one another?
@irene3184 (900)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Virtually everyone would agree that a primary, yet insufficiently met, goal of schooling is to enable students to think critically. In laypersons terms, critical thinking consists of seeing both sides of an issue, being open to new evidence that dis confirms your ideas, reasoning dispassionately, demanding that claims be backed by evidence, deducing and inferring conclusions from available facts, solving problems, and so forth. ...But teaching an adult is very hard because they have their own mind work who can go against your teaching compare to a child who never had something to think about of what you are teaching.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
29 Oct 09
Wow thanks irene3184 that is a very well said statement. but isn't it included on the things we learn that we should be open minded to changes or correction also?
@manong05 (5029)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
The reason I think is because adult's ways are settled and are reluctant to be taught. But deeper I guess it's more of an issue of pride. They refuse to learn new things from others believing that they know better. It is just like swallowing one's pride. That being said, there are those also who are more than willing to learn. cheers!
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
There's a quote I've in a movie i once watch that when you have something going on you must deal with it immediately because time only makes it worst... And i really believe it not everything is healed through time. I just want to find a solution for everything to be ok i think we ought it to my cousins. But i can't see it coming any time soon though.
• United States
28 Oct 09
I feel for you. We have a situation in our family with my mother's two brothers. They have not spoken to each other for about 40 years. My poor mother, the middle child of the family, and stuck in the middle of this, is in touch with both of them. I don't know what the problem was originally, but honestly, I don't think they know either anymore! They are in their 60's and 70's now. One of my Uncles has cancer and may not be around much longer and it is so sad - I hope the other one does not regret not backing down when he is gone. I know my mother would love to see them reconcile before this happens. So would I - I love them both and they are both great Uncles to me but honestly, you want to bang their heads together! A couple of examples of how this plays out - at my brother's wedding, both sides came. But at the hotel reception, when one went inside the hotel, the other went outside, so they weren't in the same room, and vice versa. I mean really, grow up! And the one which most annoyed me - last month I went over to England for my parents 50th wedding anniversary. They had a party and all the family were invited - we did a catered thing for them in a local hall. My mother has Parkinsons Disease and is very frail, and this was a really special thing for her. One of my Uncles came, and the other one didn't because he was coming. He did come down and see us the next week, before I went back to America. But that made me angry, because, knowing my mother is going through what she is, and for this special occasion, could they not, for one evening, have put things aside and made it about her, not them? In the end, if people want to be like that you cannot change them. All we can do is live in front of them in the way we would like to be treated and hope something rubs off!
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Thanks for sharing...And this is what I'm really afraid of happening to my family. Maybe feuds are inevitable but if left unresolved might end up into something so harmful...
@solared (1210)
• United States
27 Oct 09
Adults are stubborn an set in their ways, a lot of them hold grudges forever even if they find out they were wrong. They will alienate their best friend an family an disown them. They will accept your help but they won't give it back.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Its her pride that drives her away from us...and maybe a little of envy also not sure though...
• United States
27 Oct 09
"Children have minds like sponges" to quote "Meet the Fockers". Children can absorb information because they are still growing. They can pick up on things very quickly and they can learn very quickly, but for adults it is more difficult because they are pretty much set in their ways. Adults can learn, but just not at the rate of children. I wish I was a child again, and knew what I know now, I probably could have prevented myself from a world of hurt, but then again, it is those experiences who make me who I am. People can always learn, but some learn more than others, or learn differently from others. It all depends on who you are. I am almost 25, and I learn by doing and by relations. Relating one thing to another. Making connections, so to speak. When I am doing things and making connections it all makes sense to me.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Growing is inevitable and coupled with it is learning. I guess we'll just focus on the young ones and mold them properly so that they wont end up like her.
@Bluepatch (2480)
• Trinidad And Tobago
27 Oct 09
Pride is a hard rock to crush. Usually it takes a bigger stone with a lot of weight to crush it. Unless she swallows her pride its not likely to happen. Pride in people is really difficult because there's no shame in pride. This is a really difficult problem and its been known to last in families for their entire lifetimes.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
It would take a miracle for her to shallow her pride. And i just feel sorry for my cousin they're so little to be in the middle of things
@tdemex (3547)
• United States
27 Oct 09
Well it's fairly obvious she's set in her ways, she won't change so don't bother to try and change her! This is the first step you have to face. You and your family are the same way, so you have a stalemate! You don't mention your uncles position? So he just takes the nagging and won't stand up to her, correct? Be it as it may you have few choices! Go on being bitter and keep the fued going! Or accept things as they are, forgive and forget! Families get torn up over these childish things! So it boils down to your decision! Keep your Uncles in mind when you choose your path! tdemex
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
Thanks for the advice and yes you are very correct as to where my uncle stands...He just take all the nagging which makes me sad and angry every time i witness it. They live next door so everything they say especially if they're shouting will be heard across our house.
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
27 Oct 09
Well.. You can't teach old dogs new tricks. Simply because they have formed the habit of doing thing for more years. It takes a lot of time to change a person yet alone someone who has done something a particular way all his life, right? Which is why there are issues like seniority complex in the workplace, you just can't let a new supervisor supervise an older employee, things are bound to get ugly eventually. But still, they can work hand-in-hand, just don't force the older one to just take what the new guy says or instructs him to do. I don't handle that sort of situation. I try not to handle it so as to prevent friction. Instead, I let them do what they do as long as they can finish the job on time and properly. But when there's something new that they need to muster, I would be supportive all the way until he/she gets the hang of it. Though I couldn't really say that I'm effective all the time since my experience with handling seniors are not that much.
@oasis_9 (833)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
So we just have to wait for them to learn at their own time...All i wanted is just to say my point but she never listens...
@moorange (319)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
Well I guess it is because adults tend to grow backwards (well all of us will grow backwards when time comes). On your aunt's case, she just grew backwards in faster pace (maybe). Just come to understand (I knew you understand) that there are people that have those kind of attitudes that will be hard to change. Better ignore than to start a "fire of trouble". Time will tell if she'll really change... Hao!
@mielshare (265)
• Philippines
28 Oct 09
It is really hard to teach old members of the family maybe because they don't want to admit that they are wrong. Some thinks that if you've noticed that they changed because of what you said they feel afraid that you will rule over them. Sometimes they know they are wrong just don't know how to admit it because they don't want to lose their pride.
• United States
28 Oct 09
I think she is taking her stance and really does not want to change. If there are times when you are so sure you are right don't you thin you could be in her shoes? Perhaps not, but I have been in that situation when I think I am right and I do not want to back down. Perhaps she feels the same about how the rest of the family is acting. I think she is appropriate not to apologize just for the sake of saying sorry. If she does not belief it there is not point in saying it. I think sometimes we have to just live and let live.
28 Oct 09
yes, it is really hard to make adults admit they are wrong or just teach them about something. They have this pride and I think it is hard for them to admit mistakes or take lessons from people younger than them. It hurts their ego. Come to think of it, even us, we don't want to be embarrassed & be corrected by younger people because people might think we are stupid. People have this idea that if you are older, you have more knowledge compared to those young people. In this new generation, everything is changing. Younger people are excelling and have voices. The older ones are a bit threatened by this change. And honestly, adults have this constructed principle. Most adults have ideas & principles that are strong & that nobody can even ruin it.
• United States
28 Oct 09
Adults are harder to teach because they are now grown.They have stuck with a way of thinking for so long now that they are now firm in their beliefs. They see the whole world now through these beliefs which in turn is now there reality. And if there is something that comes up and attacks their reality they then have to counter attack to not only protect there beliefs but who they think they are.