elderly abuse! thoughts on the subject?

United States
November 11, 2009 12:59pm CST
so the reason for this discussion is at the asking of my fiance. his great grandmother is sadly currently on her death bed and he feels that she would not be in such bad shape yet if she had been cared for better among other things. to start the story most of his family is really selfish and just generally bad people in a greedy wretch type of way. so his great grandfather was a contractor/owner of a fairly large construction company and therefor had a very large amount of money to stash away for his wife and descendants when he died and he put most of this money in accounts that were to be untouched till his wife or nanny from now on died as an inheritance. he also left several accounts for her to live off of for the rest of her natural life. the abuse part starts now. well these people that are her sons and daughters were taken care of very well when they were young but expected to go and find their own lives and money when they were of age and most of them did but a few just waited and when the time came when nanny was getting older and her husband had died from a heart attack. he was driving with nanny and her great grandson (my fiance) in the car because she raised him too after his mother had her own bad car crash when he was little. well after that day she had gotten a bad hit to the head in the crash and went blind in one eye and also began a decline in which she eventually stopped leaving the house for any reason. so one of her daughters came in to help take care of her. the problem is that not only was/ is she not taking good care of her she seems to have neglected her horribly over the years. there was a point a few months back that we came to the house to visit nanny and the daughter who ill call jane wouldn't let us in. a few weeks later when jane had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a week one of her sons and his wife came in to watch over nanny who was now completely blind from health problems and suffering from Alzheimer's. when this happened we were called to come over because they needed help cleaning up the house. we then found that everything was dirty including nanny who looked like she hadn't had a bath or shower in weeks at least and had long unclipped dirty nails. also there was all this new stuff in the house that was way beyond the budget (like a huge tv and a bunch of figurines and jewelry nothing essential) of the money left behind and jane didn't have a job she had falsified papers to become executor of the state and was siphoning money out of the accounts into her own! we were so angry and we called the man whom was the real executor and asked him if he knew about this and he didn't and also expressed his anger hes ex fbi and isn't in any way in need of money so thats why he became the trusted executor. so even though everyone was angry noone seems to be doing anything about this and of course nanny had gotten worse but atleast shes clean now. but jane is still her caretaker and the rest of the family is trying to keep us out of nannys house like were the bad ones but it seems like we are the only ones who care about her and not her money! i dont know what to do and this situation is distressing me very much does anyone have any thoughts? advice? i hope this story made sense its really longer but i tried to condense it.
4 people like this
8 responses
• United States
11 Nov 09
Wow that's horrible. I can't believe no one has done anything about it! It's a heart breaking story for sure. Well, what "Jane" did is against the law, so go to the police about it. Have the real executor back you up if he's willing. And don't let them stop you. Your fiance is part of that family too, he has a right to be in that house. I suggest trying to go over unannounced and just do things yourself. That's what I'd do anyway. It seems like a delicate situation though. I do think that she'd be in better health had her care been better. I'm so sorry for the way things turned out.
4 people like this
• United States
11 Nov 09
i think that the family for the most part is heartless i honestly do. we are definitely going to prosecute jane as best we can. hopefully the executor will back us up. and we always do come unannounced tho we have to knock on the door as it is always locked and he no longer has a key. i really hope we can save her in time and at least let her passing be easy and not painful and full of stress.
3 people like this
@anne25penn (3310)
• Philippines
12 Nov 09
I too am caring for my mother who has liver cancer and there are days where she really needs a lot of help. I don't know how people can do such horrible things to people, just because of money. The only response or advise that I can think of is for you to find a way to get Nanny out of "Jane's" care. Then try to find a place where she can be taken care of if you cannot watch over her because of your job. Its important to let Nanny feel that she is loved in her last days. Good luck.
3 people like this
• United States
12 Nov 09
we plan on at least getting her out of jane's care but we have to try to leave her in that house because she gets franticly stressed whenever she isn't in it we have to somewhat force her to go out to go to doctors appointments. right now my fiance is trying to take over her care as well partially because he is at least strong enough to help her out of bed and such which jane cannot do because of the heart attack. though im stuck at my parents house at the moment i'm helping them out with housework and things for a place to stay because i have no job at the moment but they both do.
2 people like this
@Louc74 (620)
11 Nov 09
Hi Dracoser. I'm so sorry you're having to witness this with your Nanny. Unfortunately it isn't uncommon. I'm in the UK so things here are different, but it sounds like the first poster on your comment knows her stuff, so I really hope you get somewhere. Mylotters are so lovely when it comes to advising, as you've probably found, and I'd say this is the place to come to if you need any more advice - as I mentioned, the first poster seems to be aware of the actions to take where you are. Good luck, and bless you and your Nanny.
3 people like this
• United States
11 Nov 09
it makes me very sad that things like this occur often and i think i may someday work towards stopping its happening on a larger scale if i can. and yes i agree mylotters seem to be very good people and this is where i go for advice as i gain many opinions from across the globe which is my favorite part about this website :) and thanks so much have a great day!
2 people like this
@Hatley (164670)
• Garden Grove, California
11 Nov 09
Dracoser hi I do not know where you are at but here in the US there is a department called Elder Abuse where we can go when we find older people being mistreated by their relatives and they will step in and remedy the situation. sometimes the abusers are put in prison.Perhaps there is some bureau of the same sort of help; for elderly people.If you dont have that help I would get a lawyer and get busy filing a suit against these people for elder abuse.That poor old lady I am elderly but my son is wonderful and where i am here I am treated wonderfully well too.If you are in the United States look up Elder abuse andget them started on this.
3 people like this
• United States
11 Nov 09
hi hatley, yes i am in the us and also as we live in VA even if we cant afford a lawyer the state will take up the case on its own if they find that the accusations are true (i would assume that they will) and constitute abuse so hopefully we will get justice soon.
2 people like this
• United States
11 Nov 09
First of all, I am so sorry all of this is going on. Unfortunately, there are some people who are so greedy. My fiance's (now husband) mother had been sick for several months before she had passed. She was living with my husband and one day while my husband was at work he came home and saw a note that his brother had left saying that the family had decided that it would be in the mother's best interest to move closer to the rest of the family. His mother was never asked if she wanted to move nor was my husband. It angered us both because my at the time was my fiance (now husband)was taking care of his mom and I also took care of her. I was in college at the time and all my classes took place between the hours of 8AM and noon. While I was at school he took care of his mom and when he went to work I stayed at home with her. His mom was taken care of. The rest of his family accussed my fiance and I of living with his mom because we were free loading. As a matter of fact my fiance and I paid for everything and if his mom wanted to pay for things she could, but we left it up to her. Towards the end I moved in with my fiance and his mom. I think it is great that your fiance and you are willing to take care of nanny. Your family did a great job raising you and teaching you how to respect your elders. I think it is great that your fiance cares so much about his family. Is there anyway you can take the caregiver to court and show them evidence that nanny is living under horrible conditions. Best of luck to you and please email me if you need any help and I will do the best I can to help you.
• United States
11 Nov 09
i cant believe that there are some people who can be so horrible to elderly people especially their own family. my grandma on my mothers side is getting to the age where she cant drive because she is getting lost wile driving herself places and my mom has arranged with her job to work from there to be able to be there for her. also i think that moving your mother in law without her consent was a very rude and mean of your husbands brother. i'm really glad to hear you guys were taking really good care of her though. i plan on trying to get them in court for this because it is so wrong on so many levels and makes me very mad. thanks so much i will keep that in mind and try to have a good day.
2 people like this
@free_man (7337)
• United States
12 Nov 09
Hello I am so sadden by this Money is the root of all evil. There are people out there that will do most anything to get money. There are laws in the USA to prevent these kinds of things from happening. I would contact the authorities about what you have seen and believe is happening to this woman. Don't worry this woman that is doing all these things to nanny will pay dearly when she stands in front of God. God will be just and give her exactly what she deserves. These kinds of greedy people will never really be happy with their lives. Money can't buy happiness and I do believe that God will give this woman many miseries! Pray about it and ask God to show you the way to fix this. Oh congrats on your life with your fiance. Don't worry be happy and have a great day! Believe in God He will work it all out!
• United States
12 Nov 09
we are attempting to contact the authorities and thank you very much for everything you said.
2 people like this
@free_man (7337)
• United States
12 Nov 09
Your welcome I think this person will suffer a great deal for abusing this woman. I am so sorry that this is happening and I sure hope and pray that you can get her away from this woman. I took care of a few elderly people in my life and it was a great feeling to learn what they can teach you. That is how I know that the authorities can step in. They stepped in when my ex sister in law wouldn't do anything to help her own dad, not only her but all of her brothers and sisters left him in his home all alone. He couldn't remember his own children. When I got him living with us he started to remember things a little more. He has since passed on to the Father though. Be happy and have a great day!
1 person likes this
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
12 Nov 09
dracoserpintenes, By now, I think you will understand why people like Bill Gates, Michael Schumacher and many other rich people simply would not leave a single cent for their children. Greed is really quite scary and it does not reckon any form of kinship or blood ties. Even the greatest dynasties and empires were fought with blood when the time comes for successions, so there's just no difference for vast fortunes. Sad but it is true that people are no longer the same these days. Everything is about fortune or benefits these days and this story just reinforce the idea of proper planning for our old age, expect less or even nothing from our children (as they would have enough problems of their own) and have enough for yourself even if it mean to be for living your remaining days in an old folks home. I do feel for your fiance's situation, but I do not think there is anything else the both of you can do. Even if taking the errant relative to court to get back the rightful portion, I just wonder how much is left after the exorbitant legal fees. Yet, is the errant party really errant? Let's not forget that medical fees and caring for aged nowadays can be relatively daunting and expensive. Anyway, just let this be a lesson for the both of you and concentrate on what is ahead for the both of you, since there is nothing much the both of you can do. The both of you still have a life and a long road ahead, so just do the needful and let these errant people have their dues.
• United States
12 Nov 09
oh i really do understand. she has had doctors fees but there is some 100,000 or more in unaccounted money missing and the jewelry/tv nanny is blind she doesn't need a big tv to hear it and the one that was in the house was working fine. so i would say that jane has erred.
2 people like this
• Singapore
12 Nov 09
Frankly speaking, what is the percentage of 100,000 to a million? What can the both of you do about it? Even if she is to waste away another 100k, then what? I say look away and expect nothing from the estate at all. Work on the future for the both of you and prepare yourselves. You do not need to worry over things you cannot control or do anything about it. There's just so much more to do and so little time to do it. So, treasure the moments together that the road ahead may be smooth and clear. Have a nice day.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
12 Nov 09
I am so sorry to hear this. It is just despicable when someone treats their elder like you've described here. Not only am I a former nursing assistant where we had to work with patients that had bed sores and worse, I also helped to take care of my own grandmother in the final months of her life and we never, ever treated her like this. She was treated with respect up until the last moments of her life when she passed away peacefully surrounded by her one living child, almost all of her grandchildren and her two beloved, although very small great-grandchildren. I feel like someone needs to be doing something about this situation, if it is getting the real executor of the estate to put his foot down or if it is you and your fiance talking to an attorney about elder abuse. No person deserves to be treated the way that Nanny has.
1 person likes this
• United States
13 Nov 09
i hope we get her help in time and also i'm glad your grandma was able to pass away in such a peaceful manner i was too young to remember when my other grandparents passed away i only have my grandma on my mothers side left but i hope she goes as nicely as yours did. i also hope nanny can too.