November 14, 2009 11:39pm CST
Why is it that when we are at our lowest that Satan seems to know just how to make us feel that God has abandoned us? I asked a couple of friends this question this afternoon, just after I learned that I was headed back to the neurosurgeon. Since I underwent a 10 hour intense surgery on my spinal column in June of 2006, I've had bouts where my back has hurt, sometimes for a week at a time, when a weather front came through, I rode too much, walked too much, lifted too much. But after a couple of days of increased medications, and some TLC, it would ease up and I could go on with life. A little over a month ago, I woke up to a pain in my back that was like nothing I'd experienced before. What I discovered when I went tried to stand up was that my entire left side was numb and painful. But still, this was a a fairly common occurrence that usually went away after I walked for a few minutes and got the circulation moving again. An hour later, I knew that something was different. Not wanting anyone to worry, I just told Mike and the kids that I guess I'd slept wrong. I went to dinner with the family, and tried to make things appear normal. But my mind was screaming in fear. Because nothing about what was happening inside my body was normal. Monday morning, I made an appointment with the my dr.; who sent me for an MRI. When it came back, the report was that there was no "Significant Change". For about 20 seconds, I felt elated. Then Satan popped my bubble with the nurse's next words. "But there is enough change to warrant a neurosurgery consult." I hung up the phone and cried for nearly an hour before I could tell Mike. In my heart, I knew that my fears had some medical merit. It took two weeks to get results back, do a comparison with the MRI from 3 years ago, make the consult and figure out the next step. I prayed for a miracle, but with each passing day; the pain got worse; the numbness expanded, pain medications were changed to a stronger drug and a higher dose...and my spirits fell lower. Last night, it just seemed to hit rock bottom. In the midst of another crying session, I uttered the words that I never thought I would: "I don't understand why God has abandoned me." For those of you who know my husband, you can imagine the look on Mike's face. I don't remember the words that he finally formed and got out. What I do remember is feeling like I was totally alone. I remember him trying to talk and pray with me...and being interrupted constantly: the dogs barking, the phones ringing, James coming into the house; it seemed never ending. Now, I realize that Satan had no intentions of ever letting that conversation or prayer take place! How else would he convince me that pastor's wives faith didn't waver, or that me having to have another back surgery was somehow linked to me having committed some horrible sin that prevented my prayers from reaching God, or that my health problems made me worthless and a burden to my family and friends. Yes, I have thought every single one of those things in the last couple of weeks. Worse yet, I'd come to believe them. Despite my resistance when my kids first created a facebook page, I finally let them convince me to get one. I've had it for almost two years now. What do facebook and my faith have in common? It's amazing what God can bring together! For the last six months, I've been reconnecting with old friends on the website. Friends; many that I hadn't seen in 20 years or more; that at one time were important people in my life! Friends with a strong faith in Christ and a love for me that time has only seemed to strengthen. Friends that I can now literally feel bathing me in prayers. Am I still scared? You could bet the last dollar in your pocket that I am! But I no longer feel like I'm going through this alone. As Julie, one of those I hadn't seen or talked to in 25 years since we graduated from high school reminded me this afternoon: God is Good all the time and He loves his children! "Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer, thou shalt cry and he shall say Here I am" Isaiah 58:9."
• United States
19 Nov 09
I certainly appreciate that. There are a couple of my friends here that can at least relate somewhat to what I'm going through. I am seriously trying to get my husband to join here. He's developed a website for his new ministry joyintrials.org (NOT A REFERRAL LINK) and has been writing on there several times a week. Sometimes, he puts my writing to shame.
• United States
15 Nov 09
it's so bad to feel horrible. try to make a hospital stay personal by bringing a picture you like or something. this tells the what i think are impersonal people that you are a person suffering. i think that the staff are impersonal because they have to do their jobs. i'm sensitive to this. i think other people are as well, but it varies. breaking the routine a bit will let them know that someone is there. but, if they disregard your attempts, you may really know that either they are unfeeling, or whatever. how could you make your family understand you better? i don't know this either. because people who have to go to doctors do suffer. and sometimes it is nice to have propper support from family. maybe there's a distant relative who has gone through like things, and you can just chat with her. not even about sickness, but just connect.
• United States
19 Nov 09
I so badly would love for my mother in law to be here. She came in the last time I had to have surgery. She is about two traveling days away. I did speak to her on the phone and she shared with me that she wished she could come in, but my father's in law's health will not allow her to travel right now. Of course, I understand that her first priority must be him.