Need advice on child dispute

United States
November 15, 2009 1:17pm CST
My husband and I have been married for just over a year now. I have a 4 and a 6 year old from a previous relationship and he has an almost 12 year old son from his previous marriage. When we first met, him and his son had a fantastic relationship. My husband got his son every other weekend like clockwork. In February of 2008, my hubby and I moved into a home together. I didn't move into his place and he didn't move into mine. We got a home that was ours. His son seemed over the moon! He loved his new room, the yard, and the fact we could get a dog. We had some problems here and there with his ex-wife, but nothing terrible. As I have learned in the past though, I kept notes on the little things. She wouldn't send his nedications for the weekend, she would send a cell phone with him and call him at least 10 times on the weekend. Then in July of 08, my hubby was able to get his son for his 5 weeks in the summer as allowed. This was the first time since they divorced in 01 due to not having a reliable sitter for his son. I made arrangements to have him go with my children to their sitter. As soon as his ex found out that he would be getting him in the summer, she made plans for him which eliminated a week and a half of our time. My husband accepted it because he knew he would still get him for a few weeks which he has thrilled to death about. The summer visit went with a few problems, but mostly well. She threw up issues here and there, but we just accepted them to keep the peace. In July of 08, my husband and I let his son know that we had decided to get married. He was happy about the whole thing. Until he told his mother. Over the next few months after the summer visit, his son became more withdrawn. He would no longer talk to or play with my kids, told his dad he didn't love him and didn't want to be here, and started to referring to my husband by his first name. Ever since he was four he has been made to call his step-father "dad" but continued to call my husband dad. Now he only refers to his step-father as dad. Two weeks before our wedding in October of 08, his ex-wife call CPS on my husband. My children were grilled and made to take off their clothes to prove nothing was going on. Our problem was trying to figure out why his son would say we were hurting him or my kids. Everything was found to be false and dropped. We acted like nothing happend around his son. Then his son ran away 2 weekends later while at our home. We found him quickly, but found out his mother had paid him to do it. Then the final straw was that she got a protective order against my husband that stopped visitation. A lot more little jabs were thrown by her, but that's the main bulk of it. My husband and I both got laid off from the same company in December 08 and are both still looking for work. She knows we can't afford all the legal action she is trying to take against us. She is hoping we will give up because we can't afford it. After looking it up, we have a clear case of parental alienation syndrome going on. We go to court on the 18th for the hearing. My question is, how do we prove it is that syndrome, even though we have all the proof that nothing is happening and it is just a vindictive ex trying to keep her ex from their son?
4 responses
@mrfdg1972 (3238)
• Philippines
15 Nov 09
Your husband needs to talk to his child, treat him like an adult and he will answer you like an adult. its gonna be your best chance in court when you get your husband's kid to talk.
• United States
17 Nov 09
We have tried talking to him like an adult. He wants to only be an adult when it suits him. As soon as he is back with his mom....he reverts to acting as if he is 6.
@mrfdg1972 (3238)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
sorry but its gonna be a talk between his dad and the boy
@mrfdg1972 (3238)
• Philippines
17 Nov 09
start the conversation in about other things and when you feel he is answering honestly, then you can ask for your real concerns. you may also find it helpful if you get one of his best friends to talk to him about the matters and relay to you the conversation
@cbwork6 (44)
• United States
17 Nov 09
First things First....You need to get all the forms from the CPS people they have to have a record of it. Also try and see if you can get a lawyer to do pro-bono work for you. Talk to the city about that. Also your husband should really try to talk to his son but try to record the conversation. Maybe if he tells is son what can happen if he doesn't admit to being paid for running away then he might change his mind. Also the mother of the son is controlling him. More than likely he will come around but it will take some time the best thing to do is to not give up. Even if it means writing to him in a letter because you can't afford to go to court. If the mother makes him return the letters or they get returned to you put them in a box so when you do get visitation rights back then you can show him that you never really gave up on seeing him.
• United States
17 Nov 09
We have all his birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, Easter gifts, etc. on his bed in his room. We haven't talked to him in a year as of November 20th. We had an initial hearing in August where we did show the papers from CPS showing we had done nothing wrong. Our lawyer is letting us make payments since he knows we have done nothing wrong. So, tomorrow we go back for a re-evaluation hearing. Everybody involved was to take parenting sessions and counceling. My husband and I have 22 hours in so far since September when we got the ruling. WE just found out yesterday that they haven't gone to any and only taken my step-son to counceling 3 times since August. IF she really wants to help her son, you think she would be more commited to it. I don't know. I just find it so hard to believe that he has no marks or bruises and we have been cleared time and time again with proof, and they are still listening to him. My husband likes your idea of recording though. He said he may make sure he has a tape recorder in his pocket from now on while he talks to him. Thank you for your advice!
• United States
17 Nov 09
Maybe you could also get a recording of the mother if that is possible I know that if you have a land line and an old message machine can get the job done. Good luck!
• United States
17 Nov 09
We are going to try that. The only recording we have of her right now is a copy of the 911 tapes from the morning he ran away. In my call - I'm sobbing and upset. I didn't even say mine or my husband's birthday right. The station also gave me a copy of her call. In her own words she says she would like the police to call her when they find him and gives her home phone number. As a mother, if I get a call saying my child is missing...I'm on my way and here is my cell phone if you have any info! She tried to testify in the last hearing that she was franticly getting her and her daughter dressed to come help look for him. The tapes tell the complete opposite. She didn't give her cell number and her voice is calm as can be! It is just so frustrating. Thank you for your advice!
@maximax8 (27954)
• United Kingdom
16 Nov 09
Your husband's son is acting strangely. Maybe he is feeling emotionally hurt. When couples split up and families reform it can be a challenging time for children. Many ex-wifes turn nasty towards their ex husband. Legal costs can be high so I wish you lots of luck in the court room. I hope your step son will begin to get on better.
• United States
17 Nov 09
We understand that it is probably hard on him with having his parents both remarried. However, his ex-wife has been remarried for 8 years (only 6 months after the divorce) and my husband and I just got married last year. I don't understand why he wouldn't have acted out more right after the divorce. Legal costs have been very high but lucky for us, our lawyer knows what is going on and is willing to let us pay a little at a time. We go back to court tomorrow. Thank you for your info.
• United States
18 Nov 09
Hi there and when it comes to legal advice it is hard for me to give it however I have a few ideas about this so bear with me here. First I would pray about this because this child sounds like he is being used as a pawn and that is not the way a child should be used. Second I would have him seen by a good professinal that can diagnose him not you or your husnband. Myself I have a real issue with self dianose and really too much of it goes on today in our world. I am not trying to offend you in anyway here but from my standpoint being outside the box I think this is how I will deal with. I hope for the best for you and happy mylotting as well.