Difference between childlessness and childfree

@suspenseful (40316)
Canada
November 18, 2009 10:32am CST
Before we we adopted our two sons (sorry we did not get that miracle where I suddenly after years got pregnant and had a healthy baby and I do not think that the one baby I had and gave up because I was not married counted in the whole scheme of things - at least I hope not) I was unable to carry a baby to term. I had had one known miscarriage and possibly several unknown spontaneous abortions in the 5 years of us trying. So this morning, I went to my favorite Christian site where it told that now in Canada there are more retirements and seniors, more people living alone, etc. There are mainly talking about people who do not want or did not want to have children. But there is a different lot. Many of us could not get pregnant because so much at the time was put into preventing people from getting pregnant and discouraging them from getting pregnant and in encouraging abortions, etc. that we were left at the sidelines. Now when one adopts, unless by a strange coincidence that child has a kin relationship = either coming from the same area in Europe, etc. the personality and genetic makeup comes from someone else. So you cannot take credit for what was in the baby when it was born, only for what you imparted to it after birth and who knows whether that baby would have had the same gift if the mother had not relinquished the baby? Now the point I am taking is that if the world does get to a situation where those who do not have children are blamed for the lack of productivity and economic failure, are they going to distinguish between those who wanted to get pregnant and could not or those who deliberately chose not to and did not even try to adopt or foster? I sure hope that in the future, no one will put me in the category of the childfree. I do not think I would like that. So how do you feel about this?
2 people like this
7 responses
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
19 Nov 09
really dont think about it. My kids came wether I was ready or not but then why would they want to put you in any catagory like that sounds stupid to me. as for people not to be able to have children shouldnt be put there!
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 09
I think there is a difference between people who wish to remain childfree and those that are childless. Yet it seems that those who are chlidfree are more likely to think that those who are childless are there by choice just as they are. And perhaps they start congratulating them for not having children. I feel that is wrong. I remember when I said that I could not have children *that was before the adoption* and that someone was so happy, said it was God's will. Well God had nothing to do with it as had HE had something to do with it, HE would have not made me love children so much.
@Lakota12 (42681)
• United States
19 Nov 09
hmmmmmmmmmmm nope they shouldnt have lump you with them
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Dec 09
Definitely not. I was thinking of shouting "I did want children and I am not a child hater." I do hate having to prove myself or having people assume I am an evil child hater person.
@la_chique (1499)
18 Jan 11
I am childless, not childfree. I completely understand what you mean. I am sure that no one would put you in the category of childfree. You say that you adopted though. This means that you have been a mother - so you are no longer childless OR childfree :) Bad things always come our way one way or another. We cant have kids natually, but just because you can't give birth does not mean that you cant be a parent. in fact, there are many people who bring up stepchildren and become more of a parent than the parent that is absent. We hope to adopt in a few years time. Just because we cant have biological children certainly does not mean we cant be parents, and I'm letting nothing stop us. One way or other it will happen.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jan 11
We adopted, but unfortunately they were not new borns, three months old so I worried that if I went to sleep they would die in thier sleep and I would not know because the mother instinct the birth mothers and adopted mothers of new borns have would not kick in. So did not get that much sleep. Also people did not think I knew how to hold a new born and support his head because I had not given birth since I married. Yes, that hurts when someone talks to you just as if they would talk to a man and tell you to support the baby's head = well I guess the support the baby's head is given instinctfully to mothers when they give birth and if you canot have children, you have to learn how t to .
@la_chique (1499)
18 Jan 11
But those instincts are already there anyway. As humans, we think babys are cute and cuddly because that is how we subconsciously protect and nurture them, wether your own or not. I hope that we may not be treated like you were though. It must be horrible to be told how to do something that is natural anyway. I dont know when people will realise that giving birth doesn't give you some kind of magical powers you never had before! I've worked as a nursery nurse before in a baby unit, and in the 2 year old class, so I have plenty of experience of caring for other people's babies. I also have a baby newphew and niece born this past 12 months, and a few friends that have little babies, or are expecting. I know it sounds awful, but as well as trying to be a good friend to these friends, I am hoping that they will write us a good reference for when we come to apply. All these little things might hopefully help our case.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
1 Apr 11
I am thinking of all those nuns who took care of babies and also about the Supernanny. She never married or had children, and she and the other Nannies of Nanny 911 get flack because well they do not know how to be real mothers because they never had children. I figure they have to have a thick skin to listen to that and tell the parents how to raise their kids. I still do not like though someone telling me that I should hold the baby so as if I am a big meanie and going to let his little head fall off.
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
19 Nov 09
I chose to not have children, for lots of reasons. The MAIN reason is that I don't LIKE children - WHY on EARTH would I want to HAVE any... but there are morons out there having them anyway - I don't think they THINK. But, I also have a LOT of genetic baggage I'd hate to curse a child with, serious allergies and migraines. Honestly, I don't care if they want to blame those who didn't have children for the lost of productiveness, because I really don't think those who chose to not have children (by using preventive methods of birth control) or couldn't have children are really not to blame. Its those who did get pregnant and killed them (aborted) them who are. Those would've been the work force, but those people couldn't be BOTHERED to do those things that would've avoided children in the first place - that's why birth control was invented - not to kill the children after you haven't bothered to take care of yourself in the first place. In spite of the fact that you couldn't have a child after the one you gave up for adoption, you did have one child and then you made the sacrifice of raising some more productive members of society.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 09
I wish I had had more children, either natural or by adoption. I would have made a wonderful mother as I do love children. I do not like abortion, because even though they do not want children, there are those that do and by aborting these children, they are not letting the other couple raise the children, remain childless, or cause them to spend thousands of dollars to go overseas and adopt a child that may have been taken illegally from his or her mother.
1 person likes this
@ElicBxn (60894)
• United States
19 Nov 09
Very true, but I will say that while some are taken from the parents illegally, that's not the norm, in China when a girl is born, they are often abandoned or placed for adoption because of boys being so coveted - you know that China now has a problem with too many young men with no POSSIBILITY for a mate because of the one child rule
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 09
That is tragic because people in China and India are so selfish that they want only sons and will kill or abort any girls that they might have. And there is the fact that too many men with nothing to do and no one to keep them in line is dangerous. So the girls that do survive are put in orphanages and adopted out of the country. It would not be so bad if they were adopted by Chinese or Indians who lived in North America or Europe, but they are adopted by Westerners who have to learn about the culture of China and India just in case their adopted children ask them about it. When we adopted our sons, they are of German background and I am part German and my husband is of North German descent so we did not have to go through a whole lot of geography books, etc. as they came from the same background -the birth mother was from a farm family, my husband was from one, and my father was from a farm family so we had that simularity.
@maximax8 (28570)
• United Kingdom
18 Jul 10
I think that being put in the 'child free category would be awful. A person that adopts a baby becomes a parent I believe. You adopted twin boys so you did become a parent. I feel ever so sorry for ladies that suffer infertility. An infertile lady might be childless but she hasn't chosen that. A lady might not wish to get pregnant and have several abortions in her lifetime. I don't think that some people like which 'box' they fit into in the cleric's mindset.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Jul 10
You are right that not many want to be put in a child free category. And it is really terrible for the infertile ladies whom others assume that they really do not want children. That is why I am against the idea that adoption is bad because what if the child is adopted by evil people? Actually the adoption agencies are so strict that it is rare for a child abuser to get a child, so these people should not worry. So child free is a choice, childless is something that happens that one does not want to happen.
@suzzy3 (8357)
18 Nov 09
I feel like it should make no difference if you are not blessed with birth children it is not your fault,and those who choose not to have children.I think your boys are more like you than you realise.You have made them what they are today.Although I do agree with you if a child is bad it is in the genes and no one can do anything about that.Just hope and pray your influnence rubs off.From what I gather the world has to many people in it anyway.All you hear is there is not enough food being grown,not enough water being pumped everywhere,electric cuts as they cannot keep up with demand.Every one should be allowed to live their life in the way they want to.If they don't want kids they should not have them ,there are enough children that are not wanted anyway.Personally I could not have imagined not having a child ,my three have brought me such joy and look after me if I am poorly.The thought of not having someone to be there when I am old is a frightening thought.Although that does not always follow.I don't want to be a burden to my children but it is nice when they bring the grankids to see me.As for being discriminated against because someone did not have children just would not happen.Or there is something different about the way you loved your boys is any different to anyone that gave birth naturally is just daft.Your boys probably love you more as you took them away from a home where they had to share everytning and gave them a home and plenty of love.How different their life would have turned out without you to take care of them.Good on yer.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 09
I do think that it is more of a distribution of food and resources rather then too many people. In some places, there are not enough people and in some places there are too many. And it was not that my sons were taken away from a home where they had to share everything. Their mother had been raped by their father (she had no idea who he was, he just grabbed her) and the experience no doubt hurt her so bad that she gave the babies away rather then maybe have that guy find out where she was. You know how evil some men are. The trouble is that I had no birth child to compare at least in the first three months, so I have no idea whether had I kept my baby that i gave up for adoption for adoption and whether when she was three months whether I treated her the same way I treated my boys. I pretended that I should have given birth to them and perhaps that was why I did not treat them as one usually treats adopted children. And the trouble with too many children, usually they say that to people who are unable to have children as if to make them feel better by not contributing to the world's overpopulation, but that is the worse thing they can do. For perhaps those people should have had a large family but something tragically went wrong.
@meme0907 (3481)
• United States
18 Nov 09
Hey s, intriguing discussion you've started here-the childless blamed for economic failure-it's usually the other way around w/ those who have too many children they can't afford on the system but anyway-that's why I thank God for ppl like you & the parents of my sons who have the heart to adopt & give a child a chance.Hope I didn't get too off topic. |:)
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
19 Nov 09
No you did not. People should understand that they cannot blame those who have children for the problems. After these children will be the potential customers and besides children are such a joy. I do wish that we were able to adopt more but somehow we got one of those horrible social workers who believed that two was the maximum.
1 person likes this
@Hatley (164465)
• Garden Grove, California
18 Nov 09
hi suspenseful No I would not like that if I had tried and tried and was unable to bear children, I would not like anyone to put me in that category called childfree.But I really doubt if this would ever happen, as they would be stepping into places where no government should ever step. A person's reproductive life should be nobody else's business at all specially the government.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
18 Nov 09
I do not think the government should step in to encourage people not to have children as what is happening with the green movement or the global warming set now. Yet somehow people think that is all right, yet if the government says "citizens we want more babies," then they say the government is wrong.