What would you do if you caught your friend cheating her husband?

@larish (2196)
Philippines
November 30, 2009 8:33pm CST
The couple is a close friend of mine for the past 10 years. I caught the girl last week cheating on her husband. The girl has an affair to her boss. I saw them in a restaurant smacking :( I greeted my friend girl and it is obvious that she was surprise. After the incident, she text request that to keep it a secret because she doesn't want to cause any break up to her family and that she loves the kids (she has two kids). Her husband is also a dear friend of mine. He works abroad (out of the country) to earn a living for the family. I don't know what to do now. Please help me. I need your thoughts on this.
4 people like this
21 responses
• United States
1 Dec 09
This is hard but I would keep out of the situation. don't be the cause of the break up let the girl get caught or let her confess to her husband. you will only make matters worst. they both will end up blaming you for their seperation. she will probably deny it causing a whole lot of confusion. If I were you I would act as though you never seen anything happen
2 people like this
• India
1 Dec 09
my friend larish . if i was in your situation. i would prefer to speak with that girl rather than her husband. cause we shouldnt be the reason for them to break up. at the same time we cant see our good friend being cheated. so il speak with that girl and ask her not to do this anymore or will suggest her to quit the job. may be i might be bit harsh to her (just to show her that her husband trusts her) and to make her realize . but i wont let this out . instead will speak to her about her wrong things.
@suchi60 (913)
• India
1 Dec 09
I think its your moral duty to help the friends overcome their anxious moments. You should speak to her and tell her that it will only complicate matters if she continues this affair. She has two children and maybe she finds herself striking a balance between looking after her children and her career. Talk to her and find out her problem. Perhaps you could help her overcome some of the embarrassment which she felt on seeing you. I don't think its wise to talk to her husband about this affair at the moment, without understanding the cause for her action.
1 person likes this
@larish (2196)
• Philippines
1 Dec 09
I already talked to her and she was very stubborn. She told me that she loves both men. Her only request to me is not to tell her husband. Thanks for your advise. I post this discussion because I want to be guilt free of the situation. I need opinion of other who are not directly involve in the situation. And I am really thankful for all the comments that I am getting on this discussion. Thank you again for your thoughts. It is well appreciated.
@suchi60 (913)
• India
1 Dec 09
Larish, This friend of yours seems bent on having this relationship. There could be two reasons for this; either she feels insecure and needs the company of a man, or she wants his man. Either way, its a disturbing trend as this could ruin her marriage and it will be the children who suffer. If she cares for her children I don't think she would go to the extent of dating another person in her husband's absence The best thing for you is to move away from this problem before you get dragged into it. I'm always open to discussions so its mutual that we try and help each other.
1 person likes this
@larish (2196)
• Philippines
5 Dec 09
You are correct on this. thanks.
@kashers (649)
• Jamaica
1 Dec 09
i see the attachment u have with both these people if u want to do something about it then u need to listen to both side of the story u don't know whats happening between them both she could know of him having an affair with someone whenever he leaves to go work aboard or just has another relationship what ever way it is if she does care and seeing that she texted u showing that she cares then there is something happening that u know nothing of i would have told u to leave it alone it will work out by it self for what is hidden in the dark will come to the light,just as how u saw her someday if she is the one doing wrong she will be caught by him also,but if she is not the wrong doer but just soothing her pain that she is going through then leave it alone,it will work out but u need to know both side of the story before getting involved
1 person likes this
@larish (2196)
• Philippines
5 Dec 09
You have a point here. The guy might also have an affair. Can be at present or in the past. Honestly, I don't understand the real motives behind the cheating. As of now, I haven't heard anything about the girl (even the husband). As much as possible, I no longer want to be in her contact. But I am still keeping my hopes high that everything will be smoothen in their relationship. I am just happy that I am part of the mylot community because it is also a way for me to release the tension/stress I am experiencing by sharing my predicament. Reading different opinions have open up my mind on my friends situation. Thank you for being one of them. God bless.
@kashers (649)
• Jamaica
5 Dec 09
ur welcome mylot is a learning center,
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
1 Dec 09
When in doubt, don't say or do anything! Seriously. Especially to the spouse abroad if you have that contact.In a case of what to do, the last thing you want to read are "don't" but don't entertain thoughts of blackmail. Since these people are close friends of yours, I would have a heart to heart talk with the woman. Knowing how long the male is gone for at a time would of been helpful, as well as occupation. Personally, to me, this is disgraceful. I have my own opinions about extra marital affairs and taking marriage vows in general. Sometimes two people will remain in a marriage, even when the two are miserable simply for the kids sake. How well do you actually know the couple? Is it possible that there are dynamics that you are not privy to? If this was something that was riding on my mind more often than not, I would want to get together with the woman, in a public area with some privacy (not within ear shot of the table next to you) and have a talk with her. Ask her what's up with that (what you saw, including the text message). Ask her if she is not in love with her husband.If she says she is, ask her then how can she do something like that? Ask her how she would feel if you seen her husband kissing some woman in a restaurant. Ask her if she would want you to tell her. Explain to her, in a way that is not threatening, that her husband has a right to know that her affection for him and him alone is wandering. Since a realtionship/marriage takes two and she is having an affair with someone outside the marriage, it is to her husbands best interest of his investment into the marriage to know and be able to make his own decision on how to handle the information. Tell her that you expect her to come clean to her husband when he gets home. Either break off the relationship with the boss or get a divorce because it is the right thing to do. That it is not fair to her husband when he is away working his butt off for her to be at home partying with some other guy. Where were her kids? With a sitter or home alone? As for her husband, depending on his occupation, depending on the duration that he is away, how do you know that he doesn't have extra marital affairs. Ask her is she thinks he does the same when he is away and see what she says. She may shed some light that you are not aware of. Maybe they have an open marriage, no? I think not since she asked you to keep it secret. How childish and I would tell her that too. I would talk to her, if it was bothering me which I feel it must be since you have posed this question here. Once the husband is home, hook up with her again and ask her if she is still seeing the boss and take it from there. Ask her if she has come clean with her husband. If after talking with her, you find that nothing has changed, then hook up with the husband without the woman knowing and just simply ask him, in a 'matter of fact' way but switch the scenario around a little so that he won't automatically think that you are talking about his marriage and ask him " if you had a friend and saw her husband out with some girl, kissing her, would you tell the wife"? Wait for his response. Ask him what he would do. Listen carefully to his response as this will gauge how you should or shouldn't proceed. If he outright asks you if his wife is screwing around on him, just shrug. The point is that it has put the idea into his head. Let him deal with it, for now. I am sorry that you are in this awkward position. It is unfortunate. Hope this helps.
@larish (2196)
• Philippines
5 Dec 09
Thanks,evrWonder.
@allknowing (55811)
• India
1 Dec 09
You are not your friend's keeper that you should react to situations that are solely her responsibility. Our friends are our friends despite whatever they are or whatever they do in their personal life. She is an adult and knows what she is doing. I would not interfere but carry on my friendship with my friend.
1 person likes this
@allknowing (55811)
• India
6 Dec 09
Thanks for the BR tag
• India
1 Dec 09
Iarish, i feel sorry for that moment in your life.. i can feel the pounding of your heart.. it feels like living in hell that time and the same happened in my life too.. but the difference is the place was a theatre.. i didn't react to that but responded heavily and now things are alright.. she has 1 girl baby and her hubby was in dubai. she lived here in india with that baby.. the reason behind her doing this is her loneliness and her age.. i Councilled her and explained everything and took many days for her to gradually come out of it.. all she needs is a caring person to be with her, why don't you be a nice brother for her and take care of her whenever you find time.. and explain her that she is doing wrong and offer your help on this.. she will slowly be back to normal.. she didnt do anything wrong.. its the situation which is playing game. and even after this if she wantedly continues then there is a problem.. don't tell her husband about this if you really care for that family.. try to bring her back to normal.. all the best..
1 person likes this
@larish (2196)
• Philippines
1 Dec 09
Thank you for sharing your experience on this. I will do what you said "don't tell her husband". With the response I am getting, I felt like I am somehow doing the right thing that is do not be the bad news bearer. Thanks, dhanasekart1984.
• China
1 Dec 09
two the person are all your friends ,it's really hard to decide.but i'm so upset for the man,he work abroad to support the family ,but his wife do the things that maybe make him sad .sorry ,friend,i don't know you shall to do ,cannot give you any suggestion.
1 person likes this
• United States
2 Dec 09
Hi Larish, Man your in a really hard position right now. No matter what you do its going to hurt someone. It is totally unfair of her to ask you to keep this from you friend If i was you i'd tell the wife to tell her husband or you would have to. Explain to her that he is your friend that you love and you can not keep such a thing from him. If it was your wife wouldn't you want someone to tell you? I know this will hurt the wife and the husband but what is going on right now is very wrong. he is working very hard to support her and his kids and is treated like dirt... it wrong. If she will tell him it would be best... you just may have to give her that push to tell her husband about it. This could help her marriage to in the long run. They could forgive and forget the past and see a counselor or move on and be happy with someone else. I hope things will work out for you.
1 person likes this
@lindiebiz (1014)
• Canada
1 Dec 09
You should talk to the woman, tell her what she is doing is wrong, and she should stop it if not, you have no choice than to tell her friend this. It hurts you to seeing your friend betrayed and you cannot stand for it. You will allow her this chance but not a next time. If you go ahead and tell your friend it will cause problem for your friends and you would be blamed
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
1 Dec 09
That is a tough one...I don't like to be anywhere near those types of situations. He does have a right to know what is going on but then again...I would not want to be involved. If it were a very very close friend...I may find a way to tell him. These things always have a way of coming out anyway one way or another.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Dec 09
Well i think you should talk to the girl and convince her to stop whatever relationship she is having with her boss.. tell her that even if you don't tell it to her husband, her husband will definitely know about it in one way or another.. And pray for her to have a change of heart.. Prayer can definitely work..
@ced_cap (207)
• Philippines
2 Dec 09
hi larish i condemn women having an affair with another while their husbands sacrificing away from their family just to give them better life. but i don't think it's a good idea if you are the one to tell her husband. if i were you, if you're really a friend, just continue to advice your girl friend to stay away from the person she's having an affair with, coz that's what real friend is. a true friend corrects whatever mistakes her friend is doing. a true friend never tolerates friend doing bad things.
@Hatley (159683)
• Garden Grove, California
1 Dec 09
larish I do think that I would get hold of the husband and suggest he work close to home or he is going to lose his wife and family to a man who is close to her. what a mess. I do not have too much sympathy for either of them,what a mockery of marriage,earn abroad and leave your family alone, the wife playing around, wow. the poor kids. He needs to know and' I hope he has not been playing around too as he has not been with his wife for a long time. what a stupid mess. tell him he needs to get home and love his wife or else split.
• Philippines
1 Dec 09
I think that the husband deserves to know the truth. And you're also in an ethical dilemma: torn between wanting to tell the truth (honesty) and between keeping a promise to your friend. My advice? Follow what you think is right...
@rika999 (104)
• India
1 Dec 09
Dear friend .. it is a very sensitive issue .. but i still think your friend cheating his husband is actually she is cheating herself... she is quite matured enough to make correct decisions.. interfering in any ones life is not a wise decision.. but i will like to alert her once... thereafter whatever she does it is her own...
• India
1 Dec 09
Hi peeping in someonses S.. and love life in sin its my personal opinion.If that lady is going to breakup with her husband then it is your responseblity to save it.Do you have any prof that her husband is not having any relation abroad?But tell her it must not disterb her kids and inocent husband.Good life.
• India
1 Dec 09
If both the husband and the wife are equally close to me, I will stop talking to the wife...as I cant imagine being friends with a female who cheats her husband...and I will subtly warn the hubby, not revealing exactly what I saw.... If the husband is a friend of mine and I just know the wife...I would immediately call the husband and tell him about this... :-).....if both are just "Hello" kind of friends, I will mind my own business.
@Godmother (476)
• Indonesia
1 Dec 09
A woman cheating ? That's very hard. Especially when she already has children, and her husband is providing enough. I guess you now see a private part of your friend that you've not seen before. The important question is not whether to tell or not, but "Do you still want to be good friends with a woman like that or not?" A woman who thinks cheating and lying is okay?
• United States
1 Dec 09
I think it is icky when people have affairs. I guess she didn't know that you knew. I wonder if her husband will find out. Maybe they will stay together, maybe they won't. Some people stay together even if a person has an affair. They work things out. But maybe it is time for them to move on, who knows. If my husband worked abroad, I may question our relationship. Yet some people can work with this. I don't think I am one of these. I think it's weird. I would like to work abroad. It would be fun! But not if my family lives somewhere else. I don't understand the situation. Working abroad would let you see new sights. Which some people would like. Well I don't know what you should do.