He did better off with life than we did.....

United States
December 2, 2009 10:17pm CST
After all these years she has finally been able to make contact with her father through another social site, he hasn't really said much to her other than he isn't 100% positive he is her father although they look so much alike. She has never really thought much about him just on the very rare occasion but now that she was able to make some contact that seems to be all she can think about....she has written him a letter with a response and then responded back and hasn't heard anything back and that was 5 days ago. She know that it hasn't been that long but it is really eating at her that he hasn't written her back. If he really was excited wouldn't he have hurried to write her back, this is what she can't stop asking? What kind of advice to you give to a friend that is going through this, she is almost 30 and this is her first contact with what is believed to be her father and he hasn't responded back in five days and I have no clue what to tell her...any advice?
5 people like this
11 responses
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
The only thing you need to do is just comfort her. Do some activities that will keep her mind off the topic. But she also has to remember that her father may also have a job and also maybe he does not know how to respond back. Just tell her that she was brave enough to send a message to her father and just praise her for that. Now she just needs to be patient on the response. But of course just have her be reminded that it is a 50/50 chance because even if he is the father he may resent it at first and that is why he is not responding yet.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 09
Hello, I have tried to tell her that he may be busy at the time and also that he may be trying to think of what to say back. I have also told her that he has a family as well and he may be trying to explain it to them. She keeps asking that why if he wasn't interested in getting in contact with her why did he accept her request and then write back this one time? I honestly can't answer that for her and I have told her that..because we don't know him or anyone in his family I don't know what they may be thinking....Thanks for your advice sublime
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (21685)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
3 Dec 09
Since he's not sure he's her father, perhaps acknowledging the letter is as far as he's prepared to go at this time.
• United States
3 Dec 09
You may be right, maybe he is trying to get something set up to establish paternity before he contacts her back....I never thought of that Thanks barbaraprz
@rosepedal64 (4191)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Hi froggie I think I would tell her to give him a call. Maybe he hasn't gotten the letter or he may not know what to do just yet. She needs to talk with him on a more of a contact area. If she calls him and just ask if he got her letter then maybe she can tell from his voice or the he may even give her the words that she needs to hear. Tell her to move forward with this until she knows that he doesn't want to be in her life. I hope that isn;t the case but she will make herself sick if she sits and worries about this. Make her to make the phone call or home visit.. Have a good day and I wish her all the best. Keep Smiling.
• United States
4 Dec 09
She doesn't know his number or how to get it, they live in complete different sides of the states. I am not quite sure if she is ready to make a phone call even if she knew the number as of now she is barely handling the internet. Thanks for your response rosepedal
@sid556 (31002)
• United States
3 Dec 09
I would tell my friend to be more patient. If the letter was mailed five days ago then he probably actually got it 3 days ago. It would take some time to read and respond back. Lets say that he read it and immediatle responded back. That would be about 5 or 6 days. Also not everyone picks up their mail everyday. I can only imagine that a letter of this sort would be shocking. I would need a day or two to compose my thougts as to what to write back.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 09
Well the letter was actually sent through Facebook, she sent a letter about 6 or 7 years back but never got a response and then saw his wife had a facebook so she sent a request which was denied at first so she sent a note saying that she didn't really expect to be accepted but wanted to try and build a relationship with then well then she got a note back and a friend request saying that they didn't know it was her and that they sent a request and was wondering what she was looking for and he wasn't 100 % sure he was her father..she replied back and now nothing and that is what seems to be bothering her....I keep telling her to wait but she doesn't want to hear it she just keeps saying the you can't tell me he doesn't have even a few minutes in his day to reply back and if he really did want something to do with me and all he would be anxious to get back to me no matter what and I am just at a loss for what to tell her....Thanks for your advice sid
1 person likes this
@katsmeow1213 (29043)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Tell her to just be patient. I went through the same thing when my mother first contacted me back this past May after not speaking for over 5 years. She made first contact, and I responded, but then it took 2 weeks to hear back from her again. For the first couple months I'd only hear from her every couple weeks or so. As it turns out, where she lived she wasn't allowed computer use that often.
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 09
Okay forst off I went to hit add comment and accidently hit best response, not that I don't think your response isn't the best but I wasn't meaning to chose this early LOL...I guess it is just too early in the day. Second, I remember your discussion about this a few months back, like you said none of us know his circumstances and there could be something stopping him from be able to write back. I think what is getting to her is that when she made contact the first time they wrote back within the hour and now she can't seem to understand why it is taking longer this time....Thanks for your response katsmeow
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
your friend's story is heartbreaking really...it touches my heart.its a sad thing that after all these years of searching and longing is another heartache for not recognizing your friend as a daughter.You friend is 30 and i'm pretty sure matured enough to understand things in life. Maybe on the side of that guy that your friend is claiming to be his father is in the process of contemplating if she is really his daughter.it's only five days, give time or give enough space for his response.i believe that blood is thicker than water.so if he is really his father surely in due time he will hear from him...
1 person likes this
• United States
3 Dec 09
I agree that even while my friend is mature enough to know what is going on, this type of thing has almost made her child again(in a nice way) Just that I can tell that while she is trying to be an adult about it all, it is taking her back I guess to her childhood where she is an almost Awe over him and while she has so many real questions she is like a kids in the way that she wants to know thing like his favorite color, foood, etc. I am just hoping that he does get back to her and she isn't in for another heartbreak after opening herself up after so long. Thanks for your advice irelee
1 person likes this
@lyzabelle (1668)
• Philippines
3 Dec 09
I'm so sorry about your friends predicament. This is very sad because finding a father is something that she look forward to. When he responded there's a tiny hope blooming in your friends heart. But he did not respond anymore and that is very upsetting. Tell your friend that maybe he is busy or there's some important things he take care of. Just Pray.
• United States
3 Dec 09
I have tried telling her that, especially with the holidays here but she just keeps telling me that if he cared he would find the time, she think that getting in touch with your daughter would be something that should be a number one. She recently also just found out where he lives and was able to find out that he has done really well for himself and her family lived paycheck to apycheck and I think that it bothers her knowing that....I know how much she is hurting and I will continue to stand by her the best I can but i just wish I could do more...thanks for your response lyzabelle
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
4 Dec 09
My heart goes out to your friend and I appreciate she is feeling anxious that she has not heard from him for a few days but she needs to keep in mind that she doesn’t know what his life is like and he may have a very valid reason why he has not replied. I get the sense that he may be afraid to pursue the relationship because of the comment he made about not being one hundred percent convinced he is her father. If I was her I would give it a month or so and I would email him again and explain that his lack of reply indicates he does not want contact and that is the case so be it; if he wants to continue to communicate would he do so now or that is the last he will hear from me. The outcome may not be what she wishes it to be and you need to reassure her that she will be able to handle whatever happens with your help and support.
• United States
4 Dec 09
Hello paula, I agree that he may be scared. I know that his letter stated something about how he wasn't even sure if he was the father and that he has four kids of his own and that he would never of left her behind but he also can't go back in time so I am not sure what the means in one way it sounds like a no but then in the same it sounds like a sorry...I just keep telling her that I know this means a lot to her but she has been able to make it for almost 30 years and has been happy so if he decides that he isn't interested in building a relationship with her than she will still be just fine, he has had nothing to do with how she has become an awesome women and he will have nothing to do with how she continues that way...This is just the only thing I have ever seen take such a large toll on her she is usually the strong one so i know it is really bothering her. Thanks for your advice Paula...
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
5 Dec 09
You're welcome!
@mommaj (22893)
• United States
3 Dec 09
Wow! That must be horrible for her. Just remember, it's shocking to the man. She has to give it some time. Tell her to wait. It may be a month or so before she hears back from him, unfortunately it could be six months or never. All you can do is be there to support her. I think with the response that he gave her from the first contact, he doesn't believe he is the father. It sounds like he may not ever contact her again. If she really wants a response maybe ask him to do a paternal test. You can buy them in the stores and do them yourself now. Maybe it is something she wants to look into. I don't mean to be pessimistic, but I honestly don't think he will contact her again - hence he's not sure he is the father. I think he is waiting for proof.
• United States
4 Dec 09
Hello, I know that she did offer a paternity test if that is what he wants. I think she would also like to know although I don't think she has any doubt but she also isn't wanting to pretend he is if he isn't. I am not sure how paternity can be established though because he is in California and she is in Pennsylvania and she has no means to travel there. I always don't think he will contact her back because if he was excited than he would of by now...Thanks for your response mommaj
@mommaj (22893)
• United States
4 Dec 09
Unfortunately, I totally agree with you. I don't think he is going to contact her any time soon either.
@ANTIQUELADY (36488)
• United States
4 Dec 09
All i can say is she is just going to have to be patient. She has waited this long so it want be long as it has been. He may be in shock himself, have to discuss it w/his wife & children if he has a family already. I wish her the best of luck, hope things turn out her way.
• United States
4 Dec 09
Hello, I keep trying to tell her that it has only been a few days and it is during the holiday season and he could be very busy or even out of town right now. She has waited almost 30 years so why not wait just a little bit longer than 5 or 6 days. But I think in her mind as she says it is all real now because all the other almost 30 years prior to this she has never has real contact with him and this is the first time so it is bothering here more than ever because before he was there but this time he is a real person I guess it seems...thanks for your response antiqueady
@gabs8513 (48714)
• United Kingdom
3 Dec 09
Hi Froggie This is a tough one a really tough one as it seems that he really has not much interest You might be able to answer that he is busy working and has to find the time write but again if he was happy about it to he would show more interest, it could also be that he is frightened to commit himself in case he is not the Father I think your Friend needs to dig deeper and make sure he is her Dad, I mean he said himself he is not sure that he is her Dad This is a very tough one and needs to be treated carefully I really hope she will et to the bottom of this and also that this Person will set things in motion to find out the truth if he is her Dad Good Luck to your Friend in all of this
• United States
4 Dec 09
That is what I worry about the most, there are times when I feel like I should tell her that it seems he isn't interested but I can't find it in myself to hurt her anymore than she alrady is. She has talked to her mom and there has never been a second guess on her behalf of who her father is and they think that he is just might be trying to use that as an excuse....I am hoping that over a bit of time she doesn't obsess over it as hard. Thanks for your response gabs
@BarBaraPrz (21685)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
3 Dec 09
Perhaps he still has a lot to think about and work out for himself before proceeding. What's five days compared to thirty years?
• United States
4 Dec 09
This is the point I have tried making to her but I think because there has been contact this time and there never was any in the previous years that this time it is real and I think she is afraid of losing it even if it hasn't been anything than one little note saying he is not 100 % positive of paternity and that he has 4 others kids now. I have noticed though without her knowing that she visits facebook almost h=every 20 minutes to half an hour and she never used to so I know that this is all she is thinking of although I am trying to keep her busy and she can do other things in the end that is what her mind is on the whole time. Thanks for your response barbara