How'd you make your friends realize that they hurt you?

Philippines
December 14, 2009 9:44pm CST
I don't know where to start. I don't want to be the first one to tell that I'm sorry because honesty I'm not. She'd been hurting me for more than years now and this is the first time I stood up on her. We've been best friends since college and she'd always been tactless. I just manage to be insensitive to her because I understand her nature. One time this kind of dispute happened between us and she's the one who felt offended. Though she gave it back to me saying that she never felt comforted talking with me. Since then I learned how to react and what matters to give comments to. What happened now is the other way around. I felt offended and I never had the chance to tell her that she offended me and that she's way out of bounds. I just felt silent and withdrawn. People who knows me says I'm super kind that I don't fight back. It's been 2 weeks and we have not talked with each other. I'm thinking of reconciling with her but I don't know where to start. It was her fault and I'm not used to confronting someone who's at fault with me unless he or she is the first one to speak. I don't think she would because I've known her. At this moment she thinks she's right so there's no way she'll approach me. It saddens me a big deal but I can't force myself to approach her. What do you think is the best way to deal with this?
7 people like this
18 responses
• Philippines
15 Dec 09
The question is, why did it take you a long time to tell her that she is tactless? You could have been straight forward as well. Though it is not easy to tell someone that they hurt you, there is but one way to do this but to break it gently. It does not mean that just becaue you are kind, that you cannot get mad as well. You are human to feel that way. It will best to settle this if you are both calm. It would not matter as to who starts to apologize because your friendship is at stake. It is only your pride that gets in the way. Even if you approach her first, that does not make her right. That's a wrong notion to say that the first person who apologizes is the one who is not right. You are apologizing because you want to keep the friendship again...
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
Sorry for the very late response. Motherhood kept me busy and all. But I do think you're right about this. IT did not hurt when I approached her about this stuff. She kind of became mad at me for not telling her that she's out of bounds. But we're okay now and hopefully the friendship had gone stronger than ever. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting.
@koder89 (11)
• Guyana
15 Dec 09
Just be straightforward and tell 'em.... And about saying sorry, it really doesn't matter who did what first or who does what the most. If you know you did something wrong, just say sorry. It's up to your friend how to react to your apology. And based on the reaction you will be able to decide whether the relationship is worth your time.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Jan 10
I really have a hard time telling them. Maybe if it takes a year or two I'd be able to bring myself to say it personally but I don't think I'd be able to do that now. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting!
@magic9 (981)
• China
15 Dec 09
you know, friends should not hurt each other, if once, or twice , that's ok, but if it happens often, then I think it is time to reconsider the relationship. whether such person can still in the friend list. Sometimes, we need to learn how to category friends. It's like playing poker, some cards need to be discarded at certain times. That's advice from me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Jan 10
Sorry for the very late reply. Yes, I do think you're right. I would start reconsidering and categorizing my friends. Thanks for responding. Happy mylotting!
• United States
15 Dec 09
I left them. Easy as that. The minute my friends hurt me, I left them and said "if you don't care about me, then I don't care about you". By not talking to them, and ignoring them, they get the message.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
That's a bit drastic but I admire your courage to stand alone and let go of friends. People who are able to let go one proves that they can stand independently. I let go of friends who are not close to me. But this friend of mine, we've been together ever since college and we've been through ups and downs. I think I would not be able to let her go. But don't get me wrong, I do appreciate your comment and suggestion. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
• United States
17 Aug 10
Not really, just because I can easily let go of friends doesn't mean that I can stand alone, it just means that I won't put up with people who want to hurt me.
@Hatley (164389)
• Garden Grove, California
15 Dec 09
hi blueangel Maybe she is what the psychologists call a toxic friend in that she invariably offends and never thinks its her fault. usually they say you are better off without toxic friends'as they can infect you with their tactless, hurting ways and make you feel depressed.If you really cannot force'yourself to approach her maybe you feel its time to move'on and find a new friend who is a real friend,not someone who is tactless and insensitive.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
Hi. thanks for responding. I got busy so I had not had a chance to respond to all who commented. Well, I thought about what you've said about toxic friends. Maybe she is one but at times she can be comfortable too. Now we're already talking. That is actually after I gave birth that we talked. I took all the courage to tell her. But we're okay now. At least she knows I am also human that she needs to be sensitive with.
@jaya999 (23)
• India
15 Dec 09
Hi dear First of all if she is your friend from since long, dont you think she should understand you like the way you do?. If you are getting hurt then go and talk to her about it friendship does not have place for EGO or this ''who's first thing''. according to me friendship is the only thing where you behave the way you want to - its the best thing in world. Although if you dont want to approach her just leave the situation as it is, i think if you are not wrong she will approach you once she realises that. Thats what i do with my BEST friend..
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
She's the first one to approach me but no she was not able to realize that she hurt me. He he he. She was a bit disappointed that I'd kept my feelings from her but promised to be more sensitive to my feelings.
• India
15 Dec 09
The best thing about friendship is that, in this relation nobody urts anyone. Its just that when, one person expects something more out of other and he did'nt able to fulfill the expectation,that is the time when you feel hurt. But if you think from a different perspective, in friendship you shouldn't expect from your friends. They are the ones who'll be there first in an houtr of need. Secondly, this relation is so pure that you dont think twice before doing anything for your friend. So where's the place for anger and the dissappointment. Always look what good you can do to your friend and not where he/she is lacking behind.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
Thanks for the advise. I'd keep that in mind. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting.
@paula27661 (15899)
• Australia
15 Dec 09
She sounds like a friend I used to have years ago; she spent most of her time putting me done and then follow it up by being kind; she constantly played mind games and she too could be very tactless. I was friends with her for years and endured her treatment until I reached the point of no return and after yet another argument that she managed to turn around on me, I cut off all contact and ended the friendship. Some people are negative influences in life. It may be worth considering whether this friend enhances your life or complicates it. If you miss her and want her in your life you may have to take the higher road, apologise and move on, otherwise it would be worth leaving it and moving on to new and better friendships.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
She's a mixture of both. She complicates my life but most of the time enhances it. She's been my eye opener ever since. Maybe emotionally I was weak and was not able to understand her. The good thing here was I was able to tell her what I feel and how she'd hurt me. She took all that I had to say and said sorry in the end. But of course, she still wants to blame me for not telling her what went wrong or what I felt. She told me at one point I was at fault for not informing her that she's being insensitive. I laugh at her comment and said she'd never change and would always have the last say on things. After a very long tear-jerking argument, we hugged and reconciled. She added, we should act more mature now because we both have kids and these kids needs to learn something good from us. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting.
1 person likes this
@dolyares (178)
• Philippines
15 Dec 09
if you felt that your friend always hurt you by being insensitive to just being tactless, then youve done the best thing to do. And dont try to make the first move in reconciling with her, If you do that you only give her the idea of being right and not you, and she'll do that again. Stick to what decision you've made,okay.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
I tried to stick with my decision but one time my friend approach me and asked how am I doing. I don't want to get so detailed about my current life but there's this something about that approach telling me that this is the time. And we had one very long arguments on things and issues that I've been itching to tell her that once and for all are out in the open. I know she's hurt but she told me that what hurts most is that I kept it from her. I kept from her that she's hurting me without her knowing. She told me that every now and then she needs to be reprimanded if she's already out of bounds. She admits to being tactless and according to her it hurts to know that I'm being hurt by her. Afterward, we hug and reconciled. I'm happy it's over but of course we're both cautious now not to her each other. This had been a learning experience for both of us.
@warvial (1154)
• Singapore
15 Dec 09
Hi there, sad to hear about your situation. From what you mentioned, you really treasure her as a very close friend. However, when you put in a lot of effort but the she continues to take it for granted, it would be good if you could just take a step back and see what's her reaction to the situation too. You mentioned that it's no fault of yours thus, if I placed myself in your shoes, I would see how the person reacts. For you, you have thoughts about reconciling, but what about her? What if things repeats its cycle again where same situation arises and you have to give in again (and again, maybe?) and be on the losing end.
• Philippines
17 Aug 10
After we've talked, I don't think there would be one of this fights again. Both of us learns from each others mistakes and so far, after being reconciled for about 3 months now, as much as possible, we leave out the details that would create another misunderstanding. Thanks for responding and happy mylotting.
• Philippines
16 Dec 09
I have the similar experience before, the story is almost the same as yours. But what I did, I did not approach her anymore. A friend should understand each other, this friend of mine knows she hurted me so deeply and yet she can't say sorry just a word like sorry in front of my face, instead she was acting as she has the right to be insensitive about it. I never contacted her until now, its been 8 years now. I don't want a friend like her anymore, like your friend, you are just wasting your time of waiting she will be the one to initiate the reconciliation but that type of person have big pride. They can't accept mistakes and they are blinded by their own mistakes. There are more substantial people to be entertain rather than them. I am not being negative here, actually it depends on how deep is your relationship with your friend. If you know she will not initiate on reconciliation don't wait for her. let time heals the pain. If she truly loves you she will realize she have her mistakes too. A friend of mine keep contacting me through facebook and I failed to response on her it is not that I don't want. I already forgiven her but I can still remember the pain. Good thing she realize something after we separate from each other based on her message. I hope she totally changed. I hope she already found a new bestfriend because I can say I am not going back to her to be that person again.
@Sharon38 (1915)
• Jamaica
16 Dec 09
Well I think it is time for you to move on. I dont see where she serves any purpose in your life. Remember that some friends are for a season and you need to decide which category she falls in. When you have done that you will know what to do but for now think of what kind of friend she has been to you and if you really would have loved to be that tyoe of friend to someone. If the answer is no then it is time for you to get a new deck of cards! God bless!
@barehugs (8986)
• Canada
16 Dec 09
The first thing I would do would be to assess myself to decide if I am a person too easily hurt. Some people seem to be always looking for a slight. The smallest remark puts them to thinking they have been hurt. On the other hand if you are sure you are not to blame, remember that the world is full of nice people. Do not worry about this person who has been causing trouble for a long time. Perhaps its time to choose a new friend.
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
16 Dec 09
You know we have the same approach in dealing with a friend. I really stand for what I believe. If I know that it was my mistake then I will humble myself to reconcile with her but if I think it was her fault and she never bothered herself to accept and reconcile with me then I will not force myself to approach her. Maybe you can ask some other friends to do it and initiate reconciliation so that all the issues will be clear and regain your friendship.
• Philippines
16 Dec 09
if she is really your best friend your current situation will not stay long, and one of you may be open enough to talk about the issue. that is if you really are BEST FRIENDS - in a real sense to not only you but also to her. however, if she thinks otherwise, then maybe only time can heal the hurt you feel today. she should be lucky she had you who understand her tactlessness. if she does not appreciate that maybe she is insensitive enough. let what happened to you at the moment stay cool. you are correct, do you push yourself to her. she may not yet ready to face the issue also. when both of you ready, maybe that is the time that you can talks things out.
• China
16 Dec 09
you dont need to force youself to do anything to her, man. because you think have done nothing wrong. and i dont think you care about her but yourself. you care about who you are and the impression given by people around you or something deep in you heart. just do what you want so that nothing gonna bother you.
• United States
15 Dec 09
How to make your friend realize that you are hurt. Just tell them. If she really is your friend there should be no problem discussing this problem with her. You have to have an open line of communication or the friendship will finish. If you feel you can't be honest, then it may just be a one-sided relationship. If you wait until it reaches a boiling point, then you end up snapping and yelling, and then you look like the bad one. Be honest and open and that should be enough. I'm sure this will help reconcile the friendship.
• India
15 Dec 09
in my opinion just try to show her that every decisions she will take that will not may right in every time.try to realize her that friendship is not the place for fighting,it's a place for understand each other and by the help of each other overcome form each others own problem's and try to developed a responsible relationship.