Who should have to pay for the meal, me or my mother-in-law?

@cream97 (29169)
United States
December 25, 2009 6:43pm CST
My mother-in-law invited me to a dinner that she wanted me to come to. I was very astounded. I did not expect to be offered such a thoughtful invitation. I told her that I would go. But I honestly did not want to really go. I felt kind of uncomfortable being around her, and her two moms, plus a woman that has some relation to her on her husband's side of the family. I also felt like I was intruding on her time. She wanted me to come because she knew that I was very busy with my children. She wanted me to get out of the house some, so that I could enjoy myself. Well, December was the month that we all were supposed to go to dinner. And she hasn't called me about this dinner. The last time that we talked was over a month ago. I get the strangest feeling that my mother-in-law is mad at me. She said that if I was to go to this dinner that I would have to pay for my own meal. But, I am honored that she even offered to invite me. But, don't you think that if she invited me then it would be considerate of her to pay my way? She said that she is bringing $40.00 with her. I wonder why does she have to bring this much, if all of the other three women are paying for their own meals. It seems like she is going to pay for their meal and leave me out. But, that would not be right. What do you think. If she invited me, should she be the one to pay for my meal? For me, the meal would be around at least $8.00. After all, she was the one to ask me if I wanted to come, it was all her idea. I feel that I should only pay if I feel like paying.
7 people like this
25 responses
• United States
26 Dec 09
I think you are over reacting due to how she might of treated you in the past. She did tell you upfront you needed to pay for your own meal. You assuming she is bringing $40 to pay for others meals, or maybe she wants the 22.99 prime rib plate and is the one leaving the tip. maybe, she is going to see the chipndales after dinner and needs to save some cash for the male strippers, Wich also could be a plan to get you trouble wit the hubby if that were the case. She should pay if it was not metioned, that you needed to pay for your own meal, However she did tell you that you would have to pay your way. There are so many possbilitys of why she need $40 other than to pay for her other girl friends meals. It also could of been mentioned cause she wanted you to come but would not be able to cover the cost of the bill. Anyway I would not take this as a attack on you. There are some many out comes of this dinner, I would take my own $40 and go just to see what happens and if this was what you expected or not. But if she is mean to you. Stand strong you do not have to take abuse from your mother in law and show her that you wont. I am not saying start a fight or argue with her. If shes rude (leave) If she makes sny remarks towards you (leave). Dont give her the satisfaction of thinking she got to you either just saying something thanks for invinting me out but I would like to get back to my husband now. I do not know your the whole senerio of course, like if she would be driving and picking you up or if you would be taking your own car. but leave your self a out to go home even if it means calling a taxi. This is were you may need the $40 dollars, You could also call your husband to come get you if things go wrong, I would hope he cares enough about his wife that he would come running if you needed him in that manner, If not then I see deeper problems. If it were me I would do this dinner even if was just to set a inlaw straight. You could be the one coming out of this the one feeling satisfied that you stood your ground or even better senerio your husband stepping up and growing a backbone to his mommy in your defence. If she realy is tryfuling, let her be the one that breaks the camels back. Just go out have a great time. If she trys to spoil it. then put the foot down and let herknow you wont fall prey to her games.
3 people like this
• Philippines
26 Dec 09
well, in the first place you may have find a descent excuse for not attending the dinner if you felt that there is something wrong with the invitation to avoid unnecessary feelings. mother in-laws are hard to pleased. but we can try without being impolite..Good luck!
2 people like this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Hi, alexysabelle. I have been so polite until I have cried my eyes out. It won't help. My mil has these mood swings that leaves me in a maze. It is sad that I am doing all I can to hold this relationship together. Like I told her before, she is the one that holds the key to how far our relationship goes from now on. I have done all I can to keep it together. The answer now falls onto her.
@thea09 (18324)
• Greece
26 Dec 09
Hi Cream, I'm not sure who should pay in this circumstance. If I ut tmeet with female friends then we pay for ourselves, as it is just the company we want to share, not the bill. If a man extends a dinner invitation it goes without saying that he would pay. I find it strange that your mother in law mentioned how much money she was bringing with her. It sounds a bit awkward. I think you should decline and suggest that the two of you meet alone for coffee instead, where the cost will be much less of an issue.
2 people like this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
I find it strange too that she is bringing money with her. I wonder who was going to pay for her meal and the other women too?? Her??? That is why I was very hesitant on joining her at this dinner.
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
26 Dec 09
oh this is exactly weird, it was her idea so she must be the one to pay for your meal,anyway she'll treat those others that she invite for dinner as well., seems she is up to something., anyway,you should go to avoid misunderstanding to your mom in-law, then if that's the case that you should pay your own, then pay it.. but if she is mean to you, then you must leave the place immediately..you dont deserve to be treated that way.good luck.:)
2 people like this
@nocturn98 (956)
• Venezuela
26 Dec 09
You are right to expect her to pay for the meal. It was her idea anyway but to be fair, you should've asked who would pay for the meal before you accepted the invitation.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
26 Dec 09
rather pay for our own meal. it is actually rude of her to invite you and then have the odasity to tell you to pay yourself. if it was me i would have tell her straight that i am to busy to daddle around with someone who seem to forgot her manners. but as you are not me you can either tell her that you have other plans or demand that if someone gets invited, you cannot expect them to pay for their meals. it is just as well that she invite you for a movie or christmas dinner and then you have to pay in any way. or just never ever go out with her.
2 people like this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
26 Dec 09
The one who invites you should be paying unless there is an understanding that everyone pays for their meal. The only way that you should have paid is if she invited you out a lot and you said "but this time I will pay." If she paid for the other ladies, she should also pay for yours. If the other ladies are paying, she would have said that they are going Dutch.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi, suspenseful. I agree if the $40.00 that she was bringing was for her and the ladies then she had enough to pay for my meal. Being that all four women are older some of them would be getting a senior's citizen discount of some sort. So, she then would have enough money to pay for my meal.
1 person likes this
@suspenseful (40316)
• Canada
27 Dec 09
Even if the other ladies were senior citizens, I am sure $40 divided into 6 would make enough to treat all of them and one has to consider that some of the ladies may not have wanted to eat that much and they would have ordered the senior citizen portions that are less and cheaper. I do not know if all restaurants offer senior citizen discounts. It does depend on the day. And usually that day is in the middle of the week so the dismount may have not made any difference. It is just polite for your mother-in-law to treat you as well.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
I know that the amount would have not made any difference either. My mil was just going on about how all of them would be getting a senior citizen discount. And I know that it is not going to take off that much as far as an discount goes. And I know that my mil does not eat that much either. I don't know about the other women.. She could have treated me to dinner, it would have been the nice thing to do since she invited me. She put me on spot and I had no plans to go out to eat with her, so she don't know how my money was looking. Therefore paying my way would have been very great. In a way, she inconvienced me.
1 person likes this
@moondancer (7434)
• United States
5 Jan 10
While it's true that she invited you to lunch...it was nice that she thought to include you. I think that it is better that she told you that it is everyone pays for their own meal before you went out to eat rather than waiting until you got their and ate then the bill came and everyone starts paying up and you did not know this in advance. My in-laws and I will talk about who will pay before we go out. I am the type of person that if I ask someone to go out to eat I usually will pay unless it is agreed on before hand that we go dutch. Sometimes people think of others to ask out to eat but they can not afford to pay for the other person. I'd take the invite for what it is, a thoughtful thing for her to invite you. That at this time you either can or can not afford to pay for yours if not then politely decline the invite. If she asks why then tell her.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
5 Jan 10
Hi, moondancer. And that is the thing, she never said if the other women were going to pay for their meals? She told me that she was going to bring $40.00 Why she needed this amount, I don't know..
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
5 Jan 10
My guess is this. She was going to pay for someone else's meal with the $40.00.
• United States
7 Jan 10
You never really know, not really. She was just telling you how much she planned to have on her. I know I make sure I have plenty of money when I go out to eat. Usually I may want to go shopping after so to walk off some of the food. If you had any doubts, why not ask her. From the responses her, maybe it;s best that no matter what you paid for your own food. She may throw it up to you one day about paying for yours or expect you to return the favor one day and that might cost you more. She did not have to ask you to go with her. I don't know her intentions, no one knows that but her unless she tells another person.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48764)
• United Kingdom
2 Jan 10
Well she did invite you yes and I think it is awful if she pays for the others and not for you But to be honest Cream at the sound of your Mother in Law, I would never want to be in her debt for anything and I would pay my own way, so she can never throw it in your Face that she paid for your Meal I mean if everyone was paying for themselves that would be different but for her to pay for the others but not you that is rude and awful
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
3 Jan 10
Hi, gabs8513. It is rude and awful. She called me today about me still going out to dinner and I told her that I don't know.. To be honest with you, I am not planning on going anywhere with her.I have no intentions to. I just don't want to risk being played for a fool by her.
1 person likes this
@gabs8513 (48764)
• United Kingdom
3 Jan 10
Cream You do right there as I know I would not go after thinking about it As she could try to make you look a fool in front of the others and that would not be nice To me she sounds a horrible Person that you are best trying to avoid as much as you can
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
3 Jan 10
Oh and I do Gabs. I have even made all of my conversations short and sweet with her. I don't want to give her the impression that I want to stay on the phone much longer with her. I want her to see me as person that needs space away from her. I hate to do her like this but I have to watch out for my own back. I am tired of her playing these mind games with me. I no longer want to be subjected under her evil realm. She is getting too old to be playing games like this. I have been married to her son for eight years as of now. And, she is 58 years old. It is time that she stop and she should be more concerned with living then always trying trying to find a way to emotionally kill me.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi cream,I see where you are coming from. Whenever I've invited someone out I feel it is right for me to pay. But since she made it clear that you were to pay for your own meal then I guess that wipes out her obligation to pay for you. 40.00 is really not a lot to go out to dinner on and certainly not enough to cover 3 other people. Most dinners at a restaraunt are at least 10.00 or more depending on the type of place it is and what you order. Then there are drinks and a tip. It adds up fast. Oh and lets not forget the entrees. I really think you should count on more than 8.00.If you don't have the money then you should just decline the invitation and say you can't afford it. It actually sounds as if it would be kind of intense with these people that you don't really know and are uncomfortable around. I think if it were me, I'd decline the invitation but then offer to take my MIL out to breakfast or coffee or something where I could spend some time with her one on one. You mentioned that you feel she might be mad at you. Maybe you two should talk. Good luck, Cream. I hope this all works out for you.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi sid556. It would have been four women plus me that were going to be at this dinner. Depending on their ages, a few of them would be eligible for the Senior's Discount. So that means that their meal would not be costing as much. I would prefer to go along with my mother-in-law in this situation. But, I would recommend not going alone with her. When we are by ourselves she tends to be sneaky like. And she will say off the wall things to me just to see what my reaction may be. She loves to do this when we are alone together. I don't want to give her the room to get off on me again in this way. So, I am going to make it hard for her. I will not go anywhere with her until she starts to treat me like a person and not like a snob of a daughter-in-law. She needs to come and talk to me instead of holding all of her anger inside of her.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Actually, The more I read about this woman , the more I am thinking that she is just plain evil. It sounds to me like you have her pretty much figured out. After reading some of the other discussions about her....I understand better now where you are coming from. I wouldn't cut her any slack.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
2 Jan 10
And that is exactly what I am doing. I have learned her game. It took me a while, but I caught on and I am so glad that I did. She would have ruined me if I did not catch onto her tricks. I am glad that I know now, what I did not know before.
@chubit (122)
26 Dec 09
In some ways it sounds like a power struggle, like she wants to be ontop. Her inviting you. With her friends. And then her putting you in the position where she can leave you out. She sounds awfully childish, I don't think you should have to pat. If you do go anyway, make sure you obviously enjoy yourself and let it be too awkward, then you'd at least have beaten her at her own game!
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi, chubit. I am glad that I am not the only one that thinks that my mil is very childish. I just think that she wants to show off when I am around her and her lady friends. I do believe that she had something up her sleeve. She would mention to me that if I come that no one is going to be mean and that it is not going to be any problems. I think that she had plans to spoil this dinner for me. That is why a part of me did not want to go.
@chubit (122)
26 Dec 09
Its perfectly ok to decline, it means you're not buying into her games. When she matures a little and relinquishes control, then commit to social events with her. OR invite her out for a meal and make HER pay! hah. (:
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Yes, that is the way to handle her and her trifling ways.
@daliaj (5689)
• India
5 Jan 10
She has invited you for the dinner, so normally she should pay for it. I will get really irritated if my mother-in-law will do the same to me. I don't mind paying 8 or even double th amount, but I will feel bad to know that she paid for all the other people invovled in the dinner, but not for me. I am sorry to say that it would be my last dinner out with her. Think this way, at least she didn't make you pay for everybody. There are some mother-in-laws who even do that.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
5 Jan 10
Hi, daliaj. And that is a dirty mother-in-law too. I appreciated your response..
@sonusd (1548)
• India
29 Dec 09
She has invited means she should pay the bill.This is the general courtesy and if she know that she has invited four people she should brought enough money for all. I do not know what is the relation between you and her I think she did all these intentionally to hurt you . Or may be she want to put you down in front of others that's why she did like this. When ever she call you next time take some extra money and you pay for her that will be a big slap on her face
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
29 Dec 09
Hi, sonusd. Yes, I think that she she was just trying to hurt me. Making me feel bad is like a prize to her. I will never understand her. Why does she want to just play around like a child? Only children carry traits as this.
@dawnald (84131)
• Shingle Springs, California
29 Dec 09
It depends on how she said it. If she said it like, "I'm inviting you to dinner. Oh and btw you need to pay for your dinner", that's not right. You don't invite a person out and then ask them to pay. On the other hand if she said, "I'm getting together with a group of people. We all pay for our own dinners. Would you like to come?" That would be OK to me and you'd have the choice of coming and paying or not.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
29 Dec 09
Yes, you explained it right. She did the first option. She just told me that she wanted me to come to dinner and then she told me that I would have to pay for my own meal. She did not say anything about the other women paying for their own meal. That was never even discussed.
@williamjisir (22905)
• China
27 Dec 09
Hello cream. In our culture, if one is invited to have dinner, usually it is the one who invites you to pay for it, not the one who is invited. So I think that your mother-in-law is supposed to pay for it out of question. You should not pay for it unless you feel like paying. Take care, friend.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Hi, williamjisir. I feel the same way too. She invited me nicely, so she should pay for my way nicely as well.
@anetteh (3591)
• Sweden
27 Dec 09
Hi cream97, wow, what a rude thing to do. Invite you to dinner, and then expect you to pay for it your self. I agree that your mother in law should pay for it as she did invite you. If you wanted to go out for a dinner and asked for a company then it is OK that each one of you would pay for your own meals. I think that was not so nice of her, well the thought of you getting out of your busy homedutys yes, that was a nice tought, but not that you would have to pay for it your self.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Hi, anetteh. That is how I feel too. Although her offer was nice and generous, it was not so nice to have to pay. It was all her idea. She approached me about it. She already had it set for her and the other three ladies to come along with her. It was nice to get out of the house for sometime. But, I think that she was just using this as an excuse just so I could willingly come along with her to the dinner. I don't know what to say about the games that she is playing.
@sacmom (14317)
• United States
27 Dec 09
"It seems like she is going to pay for their meal and leave me out." I got this impression as well and I don't even know your mother-in-law. LOL I don't get invited to eat out very often, but when I do it's usually with my mother. She's invited me as well as me invited her, but she always ends up insisting on paying no matter who invited who. At one point she did say that the one that does the inviting should be the one that pays (and I happen to agree with that), but for some reason she always insists when it's time to pay the bill and I'm too scared to tell her no. She's got that mean Filipino blood in her that can scare just about anybody! LOL Going Dutch is acceptable too. But only if everyone pays their own way. Otherwise it doesn't seem quite right. So, did you find out anymore about it? Do the others have to pay as well or not? Happy mylotting!
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Hi, sacmom. No, I did not find out anymore about this. But, I have came up with an idea..... I am planning to call the woman that was supposed to be present at the dinner. I am going to ask her whom was planning to pay for her meal. And whatever answer that she gives me, I will know what my mil plans were. I would also tell her what my mil told me. I can truly trust this woman, she won't repeat what I have told or asked her back to anyone, including my mil. If my mil thinks that she can be slick, well then she has not met the next better Miss Slicker.
@sublime03 (1811)
• Philippines
27 Dec 09
There are times that people would invite you for dinner and the only trick you have to think all the time is you are going to pay for your own. That's the only way to go because we should not expect others to pay for you all the time. Even if they invited you or you invited yourself, it will always be you paying for yourself but if other will pay for you then that's good.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
27 Dec 09
Hi, sublime03. I am not expecting her to pay for my meal. I feel that out of being courteous to me, since she she was the one that invited me along to dinner, she should at least pay for my meal. If I had to pay for my meal I would do so without a problem. But, I am not going to just break myself when the others meals are being paid for. It is not fair. To diminish all of the noise, I will not go out eating with her.
@royal52gens (5380)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Thank her for the invitation. Ask for clarification. If she is taking $40, should you also take $40 and if so, what will the money cover? Simply say, "I don't understand. Can you explain this dinner to me in a way that is very clear?" Ask what the menu will be. What restaurant will you be going to? A proper invitation should include all of the details. Since the details have not been provided, you have the right to ask more questions. You mentioned that she has not gotten back to you about the dinner. It has been a month and no word about it. Perhaps it was canceled. If so, you don't need to worry about it.
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
I believe that it was canceled for the second time.. In a way, I am glad that it was canceled she was rushing us going to this dinner for the last month. I told her that there is no rush we can go when the other women get the money. That is why I don't understand why she needed to bring $40.00 with her. If, and let me say if, again.. The other women was paying for their own meals, why would my mil need to bring $40.00 with her??.
@drakesuyat (1064)
• Philippines
26 Dec 09
cream97 its a trap!i wouldnt go either. worst scenario is, youll be the one paying for everyones order. but then again, its all up to you. you may want to accept the invitation but ask her immediately if its at her expense. a good puchline will help. from there, youll immediately find out who will be the money man. good luck to you
1 person likes this
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
26 Dec 09
Hi, drakesuyat. It is a trap and that is why I did not fall for it. I never went. If she is up to no good, she won't get off on me that easily.