Do married couples need to separate ways because they are broke?

Philippines
December 28, 2009 9:56pm CST
A friend confessed that their marriage is on the rocks because of financial problems. Both are out of work and this has triggered more ensuing problems. Because of this, both partners decide to separate ways and tend for themselves separately. I do not know how they would agree on the responsibility with their 5 children. Do you think the couples need to separate ways because of financial difficulties? Will love, care and support for each other vanish when money is scarce or lost?
4 people like this
24 responses
• United States
29 Dec 09
Finances can be a very powerful cause of problems in a relationship, but they should never be the main cause of a family splitting apart. If anything there is strength in numbers, and the more people you have in your family unit, the more support you should have. If they are splitting up over financial problems alone they are making a mistake. Especially with 5 children, there has got to be a way for them to get some assistance. At least enough to have some breathing room and a chance to recover.
• Philippines
29 Dec 09
Hi Ravenblade. I think so, too. Money should never be the cause of any separation. There are always ways to solve the problem. I know there are people who are reluctant in seeking help from others. But I am sure their own families could not afford to ignore what the couple are going through, especially with the 5 children. I am entertaining thoughts here that there might be another great reason than money involved in this issue.
@taogang (103)
• China
29 Dec 09
Ofcourse not,what does the true love means?It means supporting each other in dilemma and then work it through
1 person likes this
• Philippines
29 Dec 09
Hi Taogang, There is love still, I guess but they seem to be losing the spark because of the financial difficulty they are in. I have initially talked to the wife and told her to hold on as they explore other means to solve the problem. I know things will be worked out. I know both of their families will be there to help them. I surmise there is a greater problem than money involved if this separation is being considered. I will meet the wife on weekend and hope to know more about it.
• Malaysia
30 Dec 09
It is so sad to see a marriage failed because of financial difficulties. I have no doubt that money can be the caused of a rift in a marriage if both parties are not willing to co-operate and look for other opportunities to make things better, but breaking up because of money means that the relationship has turned sour long before the financial problems arise, which could be because of this matter has been dragged on. So, since there's no solution, they probably just grew apart because of being fed-up with the situation. I never agree that couples should separate ways when money is scarce. I wonder why they didn't look for other jobs while they were still together to improve things. In my opinion, love, care and support will only vanish slowly when someone lost his/her trust in his/her partner.
• Philippines
31 Dec 09
Hi Corrycrystal, I was saying in past responses that I am now doubting about other underlying reasons of the imminent breakup. A strong marriage based on love, trust, concern, devotion and care for each other is never easy to break. It is expected for these couples to support each other especially in this hard time of their life. The children are their responsibility and they should not turn their backs on them. More efforts should be exerted to find work and earn money to feed themselves. The main responsibility rests on their shoulders although they would sometimes need the support of their respective families and their friends.
• Malaysia
31 Dec 09
I agree with your statement, MMT. They have children to look after and they were supposed to think about that first instead of becoming lazy to work etc. If you don't mind me asking, who's taking care of the children now?
• Philippines
31 Dec 09
Hi Corrycrystal, The couple get support from their own families and relatives. They plan to seek shelter and live with their individual parents while they are both looking for work. I guess both families of the couple have arrangements for the children until they get back together when things "normalize". Happy New Year to you and your family!
@sid556 (31000)
• United States
30 Dec 09
I do understand that stress can cause couples to argue more and all but this is when they need to pull together. I don't see how separating when they have 5 kids is going to help them or the children. It seems to me that it could only make things worse.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Sid, I also agree with you. Matters will only worsen with the contemplated separation. The children will be the ones who suffer most. Initially, the wife told me that she plans to go home to her parents and the husband to his own parents. I do not know about the children. Whatever it is, I surely hope to be of help to both of them and their family. I am meeting the wife with a common friend during the weekend.
@sid556 (31000)
• United States
30 Dec 09
Well, I hope it all works out for them. Separation and divorce is right up there in the top 10 stress factors. I really don't see this doing them much good unless their goal is to save and work on getting back together. Could that be the plan?
• Philippines
31 Dec 09
Initially, that is what the wife told me. In the meantime that they are working things out and are both looking for work, they need to seek shelter and support from their individual families (parents, brothers/sisters). Then, when things are okay, they will get back together. I hope that really works and they won't drift apart in time. Happy New Year to you and your family!
@meapas (2434)
• India
29 Dec 09
Try to make them see logic in staying together during such times. Look at the future of the children. Take them into confidence and talk to them through your common friends separately and make them understand. Look at the larger example. When ever any country is involved in a war all its citizens come together and stand united. Try to help them through your friend circle by providing them with a fishing rod. True love never vanishes from the face of the earth come what may. Good friends are to help each other in times of distress.
• Philippines
29 Dec 09
Hi Meapas, I always admire your comments --- so well-written and wise ones. Thanks, as always. I personally don't think it will solve their problem. My main worry is about the children. The wife says that she will live with her own parents in the meantime and maybe, come back to each other when things "normalize". I don't think it is as easy as that. I now think that there are other reasons greater than money for them to think of separation. I am taking your advice to this weekend that I will see the wife. There is another common friend who is meeting us, too. We are all helping to "cure" the situation.
1 person likes this
@meapas (2434)
• India
29 Dec 09
I really appreciate your caring nature. Try your best and God will do the rest. There is an old saying that one can take a horse to a pond but can't make it drink. You can only try and pray. I am also worried about the well-being of the children more. You may be right there has to be some other reason for this. Let us all pray for the entire family.
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
1 Jan 10
I believe that financial burdens are one of the biggest reasons that couples end up separating or getting a divorce, but I don't think that couples need to go their separate ways because of the fact that they have financial issues. What I think is more important is that a couple needs to discuss everything about every aspect of their lives and to make sure that they are on the same page before they have the opportunity to experience financial difficulties. I know that my husband and I have experienced our share of financial burdens, but we will talk through them and I believe that actually makes us a much stronger couple.
• Philippines
2 Jan 10
Hi Dorannmwin, Yes, a strong relationship based in understanding and cooperation and, more importantly, on love will withstand all types of "weather". They should discuss it between themselves and find ways to solve the problem, if only for the children. I think they need support not only from relatives but also from friends. I have met the wife yesterday and she tells me that the husband seems to get depressed having no work for almost a year. And, she added that he has grown lazy to look for work. That is why she has suggested that she leaves him to fend for himself while she goes to her parents and seek their help. It seems that the husband's pride was touched and the wife told me that the husband took the responsibility again and is now starting to look for work. I am also helping in asking some friends recommend him for work.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
I don't think so. Couples are partners in life and they should help each other. Both should think of ways and means on how they could solve their financial problem. They also need to talk to their children regarding the situation and ask for cooperation from them. It maybe difficult at the start but they should have faith in God and themselves.
• Philippines
31 Dec 09
Hi Triplejazzm, You are right. A marriage that is strong withstands all storms of life. Couples need to talk and discuss ways to help themselves out of the situation. They should support each other and exert more efforts in looking for work or money. They should bear in mind that all marriages experience hardships and a lot of couples went through them. With love, devotion, trust and support with each other, I don't think they cannot work out a solution to this. Most importantly, they should not lose faith in God and to always pray and seek His guidance and blessings, with themselves working to attain what they want.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Moneymakingtoday, It is sad to note that most of marital breakup starts from either infidelity or financial difficulties. I don't think that this is the ultimate decision because I think this of more of avoiding responsibilities rather than solving it. This is more true if children are involved. Love, care, support and most important, respect is lost among couples. The sad part is that sometimes, one partner will forget supporting the children, leaving one holding the bag, so to speak and fending for the rest. They need to work out what was the cause of their financial difficulties and need to cut down on cost/expenses to be able to recover from it.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Joseline, You may call me MMT, for brevity. If the relationship is strong and one based on love and understanding, I don't think that they would ever think to separate. With their 5 children, they have a big responsibility on their shoulders already. They should get support and energy from each other, discuss the matter seriously and think of ways on how to uplift their situation. They can always seek support from their respective families. There are other relatives and friends, too. There seems to be other underlying reasons behind it. I hope to be of help to them --- will get to see that when I meet the wife during the weekend.
@bellis716 (4805)
• United States
30 Dec 09
No, it is not necessary for a couple to separate because of money problems, but it does frequently happen. The strain of money problems will aggravate other problems that might have been ignored otherwise. If the principal breadwinner is out of work, sometimes they have too much time on their hands to stew about their problems. In the US, our welfare system will sometimes force a couple to separate. I don't mean that someone tells the couple to separate, but it is a fact that in some states, a single mother with several children can collect a larger welfare check than one with a husband.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Bellis, I know things should be worked out and solved and separation should be something the couple should not do. A lot of people has the same problem, yet most of them stay together. Most of them stay together and join hands in uplifting the situation. Enterprising single mothers surely can do that --- I believe some may have those reasons. I don't know though if the check they collect is worth the work and time of a mother to care for several children? A complete family is surely one better family. I would rather have enough money and pour out my love, care and devotion to a few children than collect bigger checks and not devote time and effort equally to several children. It is not easy to raise a child --- what with several children. I don't agree with the couples decision to separate because they are financially hard up. They can always find ways to earn a living.
@Craicha (801)
30 Dec 09
yah i heared this problems many times lots couples separated or into divorced coz financial probs..this starts of their argue, fight till out of love and then endup in separate ways and the children is most affected among all....
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Craicha, Fighting among couples is not uncommon. Most couples fight over some things they can't agree or because of serious or petty problems. Of course, when things get worse, they end up in their split up. Separation because of financial problems is surely one of the unlikeliest reasons. In this their situation, I can see that there are some serious underlying reasons aside from money. What couples need to do about money problems is to find ways to earn money in order to uplift the family situation. Things should be worked out instead of separating.
@ladym33 (11007)
• United States
29 Dec 09
I think money issues can make things very tense, and both people will be worried in their own ways and this could cause arguments and tension. I think it is a true test of a couples love and devotion towards one another. It is ashame that your friends can not work together to solve their problems rather than seperating from one another to work them out. Having money problems is hard but if you have a strong marriage and are willing to work on it together you can come out of it stronger than ever. But some people just can not deal.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Ladym33, A good base of love, concern for one another and devotion can really make a relationship stronger. Things start to grow sour if they allow themselves to be "sipped" by problems instead of holding on to one another. Who doesn't have problems in certain times of our life? Sometimes it is easy for people outside the problem to say things for them to do. I know it is really hard if we are in that situation. I just hope and pray that the couple give this matter a very extensive thought and communication with each other. Separation does not solve this problem. It seems to me that there is another problem aside from money. I will listen to the wife this weekend when we see each other and I can only try to help with some of our common friends.
• United States
29 Dec 09
This couple has to be under a huge amount of stress with those type of money issues and 5 children. I can realate to that we have 6 children and have been struggling with money issues too. I think splitting apart may make their situation worse but thats just looking at what this will do to their children in the long run. If there was terrible marriage issues before the money problems then yes maybe they are doing the right thing. Marriage is a full time job no matter if things are good or rocky. I hope they weighed all the pros and cons to their choice first before making a big diesicion like that.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Good2go2001, I agree with you. There has to be other underlying reasons aside from money problems. To think of separation is never easy for all parties concerned. It would seem that this is their last resort to solve the problem. Us, looking at them, would easily say that it is something that can be solved TOGETHER and not individually, what with the 5 children. There must be more pressing problems aside from money in this their situation.
@smileonstar (4012)
• United States
29 Dec 09
Hello, I feel so sorry for this couple but this is the hard time for both of them should hold on to each other because if they are separate right now, they need to have an income to support one of them. especially the duty will drop on the husband... I know and understand that they can't stand with each other but this is the time that they learn how to handle things around, not just like "oh, you are out of job and I have to leave you" it is not the resolve at all. It might bring more pressure and stress to yourself. But I dont understand others either, so if they thing it is the right way to do then go with your heart.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Smileonstar, Nobody would want to see couples break up. This is especially so with them having a big responsibility with their 5 children. There must be some other reasons aside from money for them to think of separation. I think there is a very cogent need for both partners to talk and discuss how to help themselves. If the relationship is anchored on love and concern for each other, this thought could not have been entertained. There is something deeper than money, I am sure. I will meet the wife this weekend and will listen and hope to be able to help.
@Nan110 (469)
• United States
29 Dec 09
Married couples don't need to separate. My husband and I are struggling and we always get by what we have. We both support each other. I supported him when he didn't have a job and now he's supporting me. It works both ways.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Nan110, Separation is not the usual, that is what I think of their situation. With the 5 children that they have, they should be mainly the persons responsible for them, not anybody else. I guess they just need to exert more efforts to look for jobs and ways to solve the problem. They are looking into going back to their own families and seek support from them. That is not bad but they should think that it would be a burden to their individual families, too. The couple should really need to find ways to earn a living for their own family. It seems that there is a far greater reason for them to think of separation rather than money. I am most concerned of their 5 children.
@becdmd (705)
• Philippines
29 Dec 09
I think that's turning back from their responsibilities as parents...it's not the solution rather it's more of a problem, not only will they have broken homes and being broke they will also have broken hearts in each one of them...I think they should not give up, but try to seek help from their relatives or parents for the meantime while finding a job and "If there's a will, there's a way"
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Becdmd, As parents, they should be responsible for their 5 children. You are right. The moment they exchanged their marital vows, they impliedly took on the responsibility for themselves and for their family and that of course, includes the future children that they will have. Splitting up will not only break each other's hearts but the hearts of their children as well. Their separation will surely affect the children's emotions. There should be ways to solve this problem as any other problem in life that one has.
@nonersays (2869)
• United States
29 Dec 09
If the stress of money problems caused a separation then there were probably problems with the relationship to begin with. They might have been so small that even They didn't notice them normally, but the stress of both of them being out of work can make the tiniest annoyance wit a spouse seem huge.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Nonersays, I am now thinking into that area. I think there are other underlying reasons for the separation. Or there might have been problems which caused the present financial difficulty they are in now. The couple should try to discuss and solve the situation. The support and help from their own families are always there, I am sure. But, more efforts should be exerted on their part to help themselves out of this predicament ... if only for their 5 children. They should be brave to face any responsibility that they have both taken on their shoulders at the time they exchanged their marriage vows.
• United States
29 Dec 09
Personally, I think that there has to be other, underlying problems if a couple splits because of financial woes. I can't see where splitting up and fending for themselves in this situation is going to make things any easier for either of them. I mean, they are still going to have those children to care for, that is not going to cut the cost of anything. Not to mention that there are going to be two rents to pay, to sets of utilities, etc. Lots of couples do give up when things get tough but, I have been married for 31 years and we have been through some pretty lean times and are still together. Marriage is like a job, you have to work at it to make it and, if you split because you are financially strapped, then that seems to be a superficial relationship to begin with, don't you think?
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Thebohemianheart, Such nice insights, there. Thanks. I am thinking so, too. I now also think there are other greater underlying reasons for the separation. I will get to hear more from the wife whom I am seeing this weekend. Initially, the wife told me that they agreed to accept the support that they have sought from their own families. Their own families are very willing to do that. And, she says, when things "normalize", they will again get on together. I personally think that it is just inappropriate and weird to do that. I think they need to exert more effort in finding jobs for each of them as in the present situation, I think it is just not enough. Well, if their jobs bring them outside the country, I think it is just right to leave the children in the hands of their very close relatives ... their parents or sisters/brothers. But, I am still worried about the children. I will get more details when I see the wife this weekend. I will try to help in any way I can.
@gabs8513 (48712)
• United Kingdom
29 Dec 09
It means the Marriage is not strong enough They should work on it together and not let the Financial difficulties get in the way of Love and support The thing is a lot of Marriages beak up because of that, because they blame each other, why they do not sit down and look what they could cut back on and that they just argue and it puts a lot of Bitterness in the Marriage My Ex Husband loved his Social Life and we where in a bad way, but he did not care as long as he was able to have a good time Your Friend and her Husband need to sit down and talk things through, if it is not to late My Ex did not want to know and used to verbally abuse me about it as though it was my Fault I worked to I had to or my Children would not have been able to eat and have new Clothes when needed I am afraid Money is the main cause of misery these Days and it is sad I hope your Friend will be able to sort it out
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Gabs, Most good marriages are really affected by money problems. You are right. The couple should agree on what to cut back and how much to save. They should set aside money for the future, especially with the 5 children that they have. They should set priorities and the luxuries should be on the back seat, if only for the family's comfort and the children's welfare. Good communication is necessary in any relationship.
@chriszh22 (433)
• China
29 Dec 09
I think true lovers should get through this hardships together instead of seperate their ways. I feel very sorry about their 5 children... God bless them.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Chriszh, You are correct. With deep love and concern for each other, this should be a strong basis for keeping each other. They should never think of splitting up if they love each other. If only for money, this should not be the reason for any separation. I now think there is a deeper and greater reason why they have thought of separating. I am just worried about their 5 children. As a friend, I can only be there to try to help and listen. I don't want this thing to happen to anyone.
@ebuscat (5949)
• Philippines
29 Dec 09
Maybe not if they love each other they find ways to solve the problem maybe they need to minus there expenses so that they earned money because they are both working, if they separate there child became worst for the reason they blame there parents why they don't solve that problem many others there who find way's without separate.
• Philippines
30 Dec 09
Hi Ebuscat, They are both presently out of work now. I guess the effort to look for jobs is not enough. They should exert more efforts to find ways of living. Their 5 children should be more than enough reason why they need to find work in order to feed them. I am sure there are a lot of ways to solve a problem. We all have problems and it has become a part of our life. Sometimes, we are given problems as a test to our tenacity and trust in God. They should realize that God allows problems to come our way because He knows that we can handle them. I guess there is another reason for the thought of separation aside from money. I hope I can be of help to the family. I am seeing the wife on weekend.