What would you say to the girl?

United States
January 3, 2010 2:58pm CST
My daughter has a sweet friend K. She lives right up stairs my apt. We all have become good friends. The mother even calls me now. This is what happened. K confided in me that she is gay (15 years old). She also told me her family mainly her mother hates gay people. That she stops her car to curse them out. I asked the girl if she thought it was best her mom find out from her. She says no my mother already doesn't love me. I don't know what this girl can possibly be told to feel better. Her mom called me to tell me K has not bathed in 4 days. I feel if the mother would watch her own baby maybe K could find time to shower. She is her mothers built in baby sitter. Her mom even took on a second job now. My other neighbor wants to call cps on her.
5 people like this
8 responses
@spalladino (17926)
• United States
3 Jan 10
There's not a thing you can do to change K's mom so the only thing you can do is to let K know that you care about her. I have a couple of adult children who were never mine but who still call me "mom". They were my children's friends and I became the mom they could turn to if they had a problem or to share some happiness with. One young man lived with us for two years when his family moved out of state and he chose living on the streets over going with them. He was only 16 and I was so irate that his mother would simply leave him behind that I went to court and got emergency custody of him, which eventually became full custody. Just be there for K...listen to her and help her to accept herself for who she is, whatever that may be. I wouldn't suggest involving CPS unless there is real neglect or abuse going on in K's home but, the next time her mother complains about K, you might want to gently suggest that K's problem might be the lack of time.
• United States
3 Jan 10
I feel for the poor child. She is suffering in her own way. My neighbor wants to call cps because her mother leaves her with that baby all day. She will even keep her out of school to watch her brother. Thanks so much
1 person likes this
@rmuxagirl (7568)
• United States
6 Jan 10
I completely agree with you spalladino. There isn't much you can do to change how her mom acts and reacts to things. Let K know you care about her be there for her to talk t when she needs someone and let her know she matters o you.
@BinaryKat (738)
• United States
3 Jan 10
That's a hard situation. I know I have read like in Dear Abby and Dear Amy they have an organization, called PFLAG that can help girls like K who are in situations where the family member is homophobic. It is really a shame though her mother has such a deep seeded hate against homosexuals.
2 people like this
• United States
3 Jan 10
I will pass this info on to her. Thanks
1 person likes this
@SomeCowgirl (32271)
• United States
3 Jan 10
It sounds as if the girl does not have enough time to be a teenager. I'm not sure that the mother actually doesn't love her, from the sound of it it seems as if the mother just doesn't have time to spend with the daughter, or well maybe doesn't want to. Some people are busy bodies, and that is fine, but some people just don't want to or doesn't seem to want to be around their kids. I would suggest keeping out of it as much you can. If you see any more amount of neglect then I would possibly contact CPS, but I don't know the laws in your state so I am not sure at what age a child can be left by themselves, or if the teenager always babysitting would be a problem in the eyes of the CPS people. I know from another discussion that your a bit money tight, but I would try to let the girl into your home as much as possible and shoe her that you love and care.
1 person likes this
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
6 Jan 10
I think that the best thing that you can do for K is to be like a mother to her. She is obviously deprived in many ways, but I don't think that those ways are enough to warrant a call to CPS. What I really think she needs is for someone to accept her as she is. She needs someone to talk to and she needs someone that understands the adolescent years of life. It sounds like you could be that person for her. I honestly think she is reaching out to you for that purpose.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
4 Jan 10
I honestly don't think there are words that could make a girl feel better when she strongly believes that her mom does not love her. Of course, it could be that the mother really does love her daughter very much and this girl has this feeling because of her mom's attitude towards gay people. She is assuming that her mom will hate her also if she were to find out. It won't do much good to call cps on her. I agree that it sounds as if the mom is expecting a lot from her but maybe she doesn't have a choice but to work so much in order to support them. I think it is a lot to ask of a 15 yr old but then again it isn't abuse. I would hesitate on getting in the middle of a mother/daughter issue and especially at that age unless I was certain that there was some sort of abuse or neglect going on. The girl is very lucky to have you to confide in.
@callarse1 (4793)
• United States
4 Jan 10
If she wants to be gay, all you can do is offer your support. You could recommend her talking to her guidance counselor. Why doesn't she take regular showers? Why does her mom have her babysit? Do they have money to have her brothers and sisters to go to daycare or get another babysitter? If you think it is something that CPS should handle then you could call them, but I doubt just not washing is going to get anyone removed. Why doesn't K take a shower?
@jennybianca (12915)
• Australia
4 Jan 10
This is complicated and there is not a lot you can do, other than offer the support you already have. Is there a young gay organisation the teenage girl can call, that would give her counselling and support? Not bathing in 4 days! Wow! Why does she do that? Your neighbour could perhaps call cps, but if it is only because she doesnt bathe on 4 days, I dont think they will take any action. Perhaps there are other issues of neglect.
@Hatley (164671)
• Garden Grove, California
3 Jan 10
hi giftsandbagscom I would seriously consider doing just' that , calling the CPS on the mom as thats not fair to the girl, she should have a life and the mom should be a mom to her older daughter too. The CPS might be able to make the mom listen to reason as the girl is only fifteen not old enough yet to be on her own and she need a mom who will listen to her and care for her.