What do you do when your family fight?

United States
January 6, 2010 8:27pm CST
My mother recently got into a really heated argument with my grandparents and I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. I don't think anyone is at fault but I think my mother shouldn't be arguing with my grandparents especially my grandmother since she has high blood pressure but I talk to my mother more often and she keeps pressuring me to agree with her. I just ignore her when she badmouths my grandparents but when I go home, I'm afraid to visit my grandparents because it'll upset my mother. What do you do when your family argues?
4 people like this
14 responses
• Philippines
7 Jan 10
hey there.. i think the best way is not to get stuck in the middle.. i think they just have their differences that they cannot agree upon but that doesnt mean that they wont be at peace again.. your grandma is still your mom's mom right.. so i guess if you give them time they will make up soon enough.. just stay out of their fight so as you wont get stuck in it and you'll be forced to pick a side.. stay neutral and if everything else gets worse then i think you have to draw the line yourself and step up right at the middle.. its your judgment call whether they have went over the line.. dont hesitate to stop their argument when things get worse..
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 10
I was thinking the worse; that they would never talk again but I think your are right, they are still mother and daughter so maybe they'll work it out soon. Hopefully, I am successful in staying neutral. Thanks for your response.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
7 Jan 10
its not a problem.. glad i could help you out.. good job of staying neutral my friend.. it would have been better so that you wont be forced to pick a side if you went in the middle.. im sure they will try to work things out.. time can heal.. and of course they'll miss each other soon enough and one of them will make the first move and do the right thing..
• United States
7 Jan 10
I have been in this situation before myself, honestly its no fun. This is how i handled it with a huge family fight between my mother and my grandparents many years ago. I went to both parties and told them... i love both of you equally , your both my family and im not going to pick sides, this is something between the two of you and does not involve me, i will communicate with both of you but not about your argument. Life is to short to be feeling stuck in the middle between two sets of people you love and care about. If one asks you about the other one all you need to say is , you will have to ask them because im not getting in the middle. Making sure neither of them lets you be the middle person is the most important part , as soon as they know they cant make you the go between things will smooth out for you. It tough to stick to this but its harder to be stuck in the middle. Stay strong and make sure they both know where you stand and how it makes you feel.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 10
That's great what you said to your grandparents and your mother. That's how I feel about my mother and my grandparents. Maybe I should just them that (can I?) I haven't really told them how I feel about they're fighting since they didn't have anything good to say about it. You gave me some hope. Thank you.
• United States
7 Jan 10
I have learned to stay out of it all. I know my mother has her feuds with my sister. I could be standing right there. I will walk out and go to my home. I don't get involved with their mess.
1 person likes this
• United States
7 Jan 10
I agree. Not getting involved seems to be the best way. Bystanders shouldn't be caught in the crossfire though I wish my mother would at least listen to me when I remind her my grandmother has high blood pressure and it does her best to stay calm.
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
8 Jan 10
Hi animegirl; Sorry that you are in this position. I know how awkward it feels. First, let's just say that you need to establish boundaries with people who lay this kind of stuff on you. What is going on between your mom and your grandparents are between them. If your Mom appears to be upset when you want to go visit your grandparents, tell her what whatever is going on between them is your thing. Explain that you are still entitled to visit your grandparents and do visit. Add that just because you don't like them doesn't mean I have to too. Tell her that your grandparents are your friends, that you don't have a problem with them and that you are going to go visit them now, Bye. Just like that. Do not let your Mom try and make you own part of her argument that she had with them. If she wants to go on about her perception of how terrible of people they are tell her that it has nothing to do with you and that you do not want to be part of that conversation. Close the conversation "This conversation is over". I do not think that it is fair that just because your Mom has a problem with your grandparents, that suddenly you should too.
• United States
8 Jan 10
Thanks for the suggestion. I think you are right that I should make it clear to my mother how I feel about the situation. I recently called my grandparents and they still seem to be mad but they seem to be alright, watching their TV and going on their usual life which is good.
@EvrWonder (3577)
• Canada
19 Jan 10
Absolutely, it is good. They are hardly going to stop their lives because your Mom is mad at them. How silly. Life is so short that we must not hold grudges. Often times when we look at an underlying issue, it is so petty that all the fuss was far out weighed and hardly worth the grief. I would never let anyone dictate who I may choose to have as friends or otherwise, being one of my parents or any one else. If someone has a issue with someone who is also my friend and they begin to try and whine at me about how terrible they are I simply look at them and politely say, "you need to talk with them about that, this has nothing to do with me". I do not allow gossip or bad mouthing behind the backs of people whom I have chosen personally, as my friend. Hoping this works out smoothly for you, all. Cheers.
@Java09 (3085)
• United States
7 Jan 10
When the family argues or fights,that's when I leave.I don't like fighting and don't like to hear arguements,so I even sit in my room away from everyone until it quiets down.Sometimes I take my dog for a long walk walk to get away.
• Mexico
7 Jan 10
Hi Java: Neither do I, I don't want to fight and it's worst when you are fighting with a family member, that's not the way I would like to live so basically I would try my best to not make an intervention in an argument of my family members. This hurts so much. Thanks for your answer Java. Hope you are having a nice day. Happy New Year. Take Care. -Alvaro.
• United States
7 Jan 10
I try to stay out of it too but I had to stay and help...When my mother was fighting with my grandmother last time, I had to stay and help her because my grandmother has a problem walking and even standing up from terrible backaches. It's not permanent and she only recently got it the pains but I wish my mother wouldn't argue with her. When she does, i have to stay and help...
@vikkiz (519)
8 Jan 10
My family arnt so bad for arguing but my parters family are! They forever cause trouble between each other! I just stay out of it otherwise you end up the bad guy even if it had nothing to do with you in the first place.
• United States
8 Jan 10
I know, sometimes my family gets mad at me for staying out of the fight because they say it's like not caring about them There's no way to win......but family is family and fights don't last forever (thankfully)
• Mexico
7 Jan 10
Hi anime girl: I have passes throught some arguments between my mother and father and what i do is to keep neutral. This is my position and I don't let my mother or father to try to make me change my mind and support him. That's their problem. In your case I think I would tell your mother that you are upset with her complaining with yopur grandmother and that this simply not ok for her health, i also would mention her attitude in those situations. Thanks for sharing with us your situation. Hope you are having a nice day. Happy New Year. Take Care. -Alvaro.
• United States
7 Jan 10
I am afraid of upsetting my mother. I have hinted that I didn't approve of the the way that she was handling this and she didn't seem to take it very well that I did not agree with her. I'll try to work it out. Happy New Year to you too.
@syankee525 (6294)
• United States
7 Jan 10
yeah its pretty hard thing to deal with. myself i would tell your mom im not in it. but its sad that your mom would pressure you to take side. but the only time my family get into it is when my daughter in law gets bored and take any chance to start a fight with my daughter, then my daughter in law cousin will get into it. but i do speak up to her and my son about how its wrong for my daughter in law always picking a fight then him and her get upset because my daughter get upset and telling her off. my son and his wife always tell us we need to stay out of it, and i tell them well if my daughter in law cousin stay out of it then i will. or they get upset because one of daughter's friends take up for her. to me there is too much hate and fighting going on
• United States
7 Jan 10
Your daughter in law shouldn't be picking fights just because she is bored. It is really troublesome when a family fights and other family members take sides and escalates it. I always worry whenever my mother starts yelling. But maybe it is better that the family voices their disagreement rather than hold everything inside because family members are supposed to be the closest relationships in the world so they should be able to discuss anything. Would help if people talk it out instead of yelling though.
• India
7 Jan 10
According to me, each and every person have their own views and reasons. So if there is a heated argument going on, i will prefer to stay out.
• United States
7 Jan 10
I prefer to stay out too. I would prefer it more if they weren't fighting though....but it can't always work out the way people want it to. Thanks for commenting.
• Singapore
7 Jan 10
I will try to unite both parties together so that the matter can resolve in a peace manner rather than the matter became worst which it is resorted to violence.
• United States
7 Jan 10
That's a good suggestion. Right now, they are still really angry and believe firmly that the other party is at fault but maybe after a few weeks or so when the incident has passed, I could ask them to have dinner together and see if it works out. Thanks for the suggestion.
• Malaysia
7 Jan 10
I think you Mom should have not done such a thing because it a bad thing to disobey parent, which is a commandment in the Bible. the next think she should understand that when people get old their thinking change. old people start to think like Kid at that point in time so she should talk to them in a well mannered way, with this situation you are having i think you should talk to your mom, ask her why she is bad mouthing them, is it connected to her past or something??is it something they have or havent done to her?she needs to really loosen up and let go. if not she will regret it if they are no longer in this world?she will be using "iF" word all the time filled with regret talk to her to make peace with the grandparents
• United States
7 Jan 10
Yes, I think she should obey her parents or at least be on good terms with them. She does say that they didn't treat her too well when she was growing up and my grandmother might have hit her on a few occasions. She says she doesn't have any feelings for my grandfather because of it but I think she would be sad if my grandmother was gone...
@vandana7 (68484)
• India
7 Jan 10
I object when I am supposed to put up with infringement of my rights, just because it is family issue. LOL. There are situations where protesting is essential, and if fights ensue, it was meant to be. Showdowns solve issues, instead of it burning and compounding in hearts. And I do stand up for justice whenever any injustice seems to be meted out. It has made me a bad girl, but I cant respect a person who is unjust. :(
• United States
7 Jan 10
No, it makes you a good person when you stand up and word for something that you think is unfair. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to do so. I don't believe anyone is at fault with the argument my family is having but I believe my mother should be the one to step down because my grandparents are putting on in age. That's my view but if I tell my mother, she probably wouldn't talk to me for months (from experience) and I already see very little of her since I'm in college.
• Philippines
7 Jan 10
I don't take sides. I find ways to fix the problem and make them kiss and make- up. I don't bring up the topic to any of the family members who have gaps. I find ways to change the topic whenever one of the family members who is invloved with the fight will say something not nice to another member of the family.
• United States
7 Jan 10
It's good that you can find ways to fix the problem without siding with anyone. When my mother talks about my grandparents in a bad way, I usually stay quiet, but maybe I could change the discussion topic the next time. Thanks for your response.
@Hatley (164471)
• Garden Grove, California
7 Jan 10
animegirl334 I think the best thing to do in this situation is to stay out of it completely and if you get static, explain that you love all concerned but do not want to be put into the middle of a family spat. You cannot take sides so ignore their bickering. perhaps that might even cool it down a bit.
• United States
7 Jan 10
I think there's truth to what the both of you are saying. My mother is pressuring me to side with her and making it hard for me to stay neutral and out of the arguments. I still believe it is best for them to work it out without me intervening. Thanks for commenting.