Why is a married life/relationship not fulfilling for many people?

India
January 15, 2010 8:58am CST
We see many couples take off the married life/relationship so well but land very miserably. Why? Both the man and woman expects a lot from the other. In other words they want many things from the other. It is a long list including physical pleasures, money, care, company etc etc.... When they find that they don't get that much they expected from the other the problem starts, mounts and becomes a big severe problem finally. How to avoid such things and keep the relationship young and beautiful always? It is easy to tell difficult to practice though. You go to a marriage with an aim to GIVE and not to GET. Your whole focus is on giving and not getting. Will that mean you won't get anything? No You will get everything automatically..... Again preaching is easy but.....
5 people like this
31 responses
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
15 Jan 10
Marriage is a big gamble moreso in modern times.Ultimately God should shower His grace on a couple to make their married life a fulfilled one.This fulfilment is not dependent on material pleasures alone[though basic needs when not met would lead to troubles and dissatisfaction]but the level of tolerance and contentment in the couple.
1 person likes this
• India
15 Jan 10
Yes Kala it is quite unfortunate that marriage is becoming a gamble these days even in India.You have rightly pointed out that a successful fulfilled marriage needs not only material pleasures but also something more-tolerance, adjustment, accepting the flaws of partner and contentment. You always come up with very meaningful and powerful discussions and I salute you for it.
1 person likes this
@kalav56 (11502)
• India
16 Jan 10
You start very good discussion topics Vijayanths and it is my pleasure to respond to them.
@vandana7 (50356)
• India
16 Jan 10
Yes, he does, doesn't he? :) May be having a book full of such discussions. He loads them a couple of questions at a time. LOL.
@funkeyguhl (1560)
• Philippines
16 Jan 10
Actually, a lot of people are not that contented on where they are right now. It can be their careers, relationship, status, etc thus making them unsatisfied. For people who got married and are not fulfilled... they either rushed their marriage without getting to know the person well (apart from his / her physical attributes) but another factor could be that they are expecting much from their partners without thinking that they need to 'return the favor'. For some people, they get married for the wrong reasons which can also benefit for them to be unfulfilled with the current state of their relationship / marriage. There is no magic formula in being fulfilled and keeping the relationship intact because it differs from one relationship to another... though the major factor of this is the foundation of their relationship.
@sharra1 (6344)
• Australia
17 Jan 10
Well my nephew dated his ex wife for over 6 years and we all thought they were the perfect couple. He was very much in love and very confused when she asked him to leave after only 2 years of marriage. I have no idea why they broke up, only that his wife said she could not live with him. 2 years is a very short time but you can date for 20 years and still not know what it is like to live with someone. Only by living within 4 walls together can you find out if you can live together. This girl was from a traditional family so they never tried living together. If they had they would never have got married. I firmly believe in living together first to see if you really are compatible. But then I do not see a need to get married as it is just a legal thing and de-facto relationships are just as good.
@Buchi_bulla (8299)
• India
15 Jan 10
On the book we read Married life is giving and taking, adjusting, giving way to each other, try to understand each other and changing ourselves as per the spouse's interests. Everything is rosy as long as it is there on the pages of the book. To some extent the couple will follow all these things in the beginning of the married life. Then one person finds out that it is one way traffic and in no place reciprocation is there. Ok. still the person hopes that the spouse will change later. But no sign of change. How long one person will go on following the so called pages above? If the person opens the mouth, then the spouse will think that all these days this one kept quiet. What happened now? The spouse will get angry, not realising his/her mistake or negligence in not following the required formula. So it is easy to preach for anyone. But it is very difficult to be in that position which leads to the separation.
1 person likes this
• India
15 Jan 10
wow, what a discussion Buchi.. great. Yes, it is easy to read on books but to practice it is not that easy. You have very beautifully analyzed each and every step of real happenings in life and discussed it so nicely here. As our friend Kala said we need a lot of tolerance and adjustment to save marriages.
@jakie18 (229)
• Philippines
15 Jan 10
Yes it's a fact that there are lots of broken marriages all over the world.It's so depressing that the children were the once being affected by this act. It's so hard to judge and to preach those couple but I'm hoping for a lesser events to happen.Some say lack of communication, to much focus on careers, financial capability and boredom causes divorce.The couple should seek counseling first before deciding to break up specially if they have kids.They should talk about the problem and give each other a second chance to work everything out.In that way the relationship will be save and who knows it might be the start of something better.
• India
15 Jan 10
Yes that is what I don't like- affecting the life of children who have nothing to do with the problems.. I hate parents who do this injustice to children. I agree with you jakie.
@vandana7 (50356)
• India
15 Jan 10
Honest opinion! You dont really want to know! LOL. Actually, I think romancing takes up most of the initial charm off marriage. Effectively, what is left on the other side of the fence, i.e., marriage is only the daily chores and responsibility. Dating is good, no doubt. But the decisions should be swift. Prolonged dating / relationship means taking out the romance part from marriage. There is no novelty remaining. At least this is what I think. I am ignorant in this aspect of course. And though I would like to succeed in matchmaking, I have yet to succeed in one. :) Hope I do this year. :) Problem is both are new to me. I am trying to break ice with one, but not really succeeding. LOL.
• India
15 Jan 10
Hi, Vandana , you start with a joke that I don't want to know- you say it is a honest opinion above all-hahahahaha It is true prolonged dating would take out the romance part to most of the people but not to all. There are some exceptions and they are gifted couples. If you are ignorant on this subject I am not an expert either hehehe. My best wishes for your new profession-you seem to have got two great clients. Wish you break at least one ice soon (which one) Try hard, you will succeed...
@ClassyCat (1214)
• United States
16 Jan 10
A few thoughts here on this: 1. Folks should not rush into marriage - be patient and wise. 2. Get acquainted with your boyfriend/girlfriend's family, and observe how they treat one another for that is how you will be treated after marriage. If the father and or mother, - - of your boyfriend/girlfriend, don't show respect for one another, you'll receive the same kind of treatment. 3. What does it take in the courting stage to make for a really good relationship? If you're not willing to CONTINUE THAT - you're in trouble already. 4. You purpose to be the one who is the biggest blessing to your husband/wife, and if you are doing your best to keep good things flowing - - that will help a lot. 5. When you are angry - keep quiet, because you will always say things that will hurt deeply, and some never recover to hateful things spoken against them or their family members. * If you have "attitude" - you may as well forget it, because one attitude will always create another, and where will it all end? As a woman who has been married 50 yrs., and am now a widow of almost 9 months, I know whereof I speak. Divorce is such a hard thing for folks to go through, especially where kids are concerned.
@vandana7 (50356)
• India
16 Jan 10
Hi vijayanths, I think maturity levels also play a role here. If the couple are mature enough then they may be able to look at spade as spade. If not, then things do tend to break down at a future date. :( I found people tend to ignore the tell tale signs and it becomes difficult as an outsider to point flaws because that means losing a good friend. I have lost one about 6 months ago, and I know that it can be painful for me so the next time anything like that happens, I am going to shut up. Problem is I wont feel any better! Well this new person I am trying to break ice with - he was my colleague once, and I really dont know how to take things forward. But my romantic mind is already pairing him with the girl who is the daughter of one of dad's friends. :) I like matchmaking. I wish I could make everybody happy, you know, change their attitudes towards life, make them look at things a bit differently, appreciate what they have kind of thing. :) Life is so short!
@myramae19 (667)
• Philippines
15 Jan 10
Yes, It took time to get your marriage in a rut. And It will take time to get your marriage out of a rut. For me marriage is a lot like driving on the freeways.It can be easy for your relationship to get bogged down in the traffic and rush for everyday living., The communication may just be crawling along, slower and slower, til you are tempted to think that another relationship may be the answer to being stuck in a rut. I admit that I think my marriage is stuck in a rut. Hopefully , after we both stop to consider the reality of our lives and look at our own responsibility in allowing our marriage to be in a rut, then both will realize that the easy or quick route of changing relationships will not make our lives better.
• India
15 Jan 10
You sound very practical and meaningful myramae. I appreciate your decision. My best wishes for you.
• Philippines
15 Jan 10
thanks.. happy mylotting.
@natnickeep (2340)
• United States
15 Jan 10
Marriage takes effort, it takes many lessons, many mistakes, and most of all to keep it alive it takes lots of love and patience. I think I am just now falling in love again, and we have been together for 10 years. Maybe the first part was lust, then we hated each other, stuck through it and became friends, and now I think we are falling back in love. Marriage is something you have to survive.
@GADHISUNU (2164)
• India
15 Jan 10
I like your answer. This is closer to my experience too.
• India
15 Jan 10
Yes, real love survives beyond lust and you are an example for it natnickeep. Nice to note you have managed your life well now.
• Canada
16 Jan 10
Can I just say that that is all fine and good. But what if you're the one giving all the time while your partner is taking most of the time. What's more you're not being acknowledged for giving all the time. As far as getting everything automatically what is everything? Is it affection? Is it feeling important or value? Support? I think it's easier coming from God, then my spouse. At least in church people act like they care about me.
@sharra1 (6344)
• Australia
17 Jan 10
Yes. One sided giving will just drain you. Marriage is about both partners giving and then the flow goes both ways and everyone is fine. That is all about finding the right person for you.
@PeacefulWmn9 (10425)
• United States
16 Jan 10
Hi Vijay...you do begin such interesting discussions, things that make me think. I think you have said the biggest reason: expectations. Or...perhaps unreasonable expectations. The only way I believe we can feel fulfilled WITH another, is first to be fulfilled within ourselves. And to make it work, that would have to apply for each partner. Find that first, and then marry. And keep expectations reasonable. Only we are responsible for our happiness. We cannot dump that onto someone else's shoulders. Karen
• India
18 Jan 10
wow you have said it so beautifully Karen, glad I started this discussion to read such great responses.
• Philippines
16 Jan 10
i think, maybe it's because unfulfilled individuals when matched up, can demand fulfillment from each other in every way they could think of. and the respected parties wouldn't have enough to give, because they're unfulfilled individuals themselves.
• India
18 Jan 10
this one seems to be a new concept, I like it.thanks hannable.
@Castiel (102)
• United States
16 Jan 10
most relationships and marriages are not filling cause of people fall out of love and do stupid crap like cheat
• India
18 Jan 10
yes, cheating is one of the craps of marriage failures.castiel.
• United States
15 Jan 10
I have been married for over two years now and I am happy. My husband and I still act like teenagers. We have date night every Saturday night. He works until 3PM then goes over to his friend's house until 6:30PM. He then drives to our house and picks me up just like he did before we got married. After our date, he drops me off then asks to come in. Sometimes I tease him and say my cats will get jealous. Then he ends up coming in and the date ends. My husband and I do everything together. We pay the bills together and discuss everything before we do anything. I feel that communication is very important in a marriage.
• India
18 Jan 10
wow, that is really so nice and blissful. I wish you to be like this even after 50 years, that is more important,
@iceydon (342)
• Philippines
15 Jan 10
Hola! Married life is a journey of the couple. If each had gone to being self centered conflicts would arise.Nobody could understand anyone because their agendas contradict with each other. Understanding, respect and trust are so hard to do even in just near perfection.But they are the core of any relationships. Its always human to want more.It is of being married or in a relationship that the need to compliment and compromise will make the commitment for each other stays amidst problems.
• India
18 Jan 10
hi, iceydon all the points you mentioned are very true. great response and thanks for it.
@ladysakurax (1163)
• Canada
15 Jan 10
This happens often. A couple which is trying to work it out together but only one of them is trying at best, it would be unfair. I believe that it should be a sacrifice from both side. Communicating well is the key to success. Showing input and hardworking on solving things also shows how you care.
• India
16 Jan 10
hi, ladysakurax you have made very good points there. sacrifice should be from both sides. Communication is very very vital for a stable relationship.
@Pose123 (21675)
• Canada
15 Jan 10
Hi vijayanths, You are very wise and what you say here is so true. I too have found that it is easy to preach, but have had my share of martial problems. I think that most people who enter into marriage are not properly prepared for it. Many find after a few months of married life that they are not compatible, but have completely different interests. Anytime two people live together in such close proximity, there are sure to be some problems but most can be worked out to the satisfaction of both if they are willing to listen to each other, instead of screaming at their spouse. Blessings.
• India
15 Jan 10
I am very happy to to hear these words "Hi vijayanths, You are very wise" from you as I consider you very wise.. Yes in every home there will be problems... We should learn to solve them and love on and continue the journey of family life with all possible happiness.
• Pakistan
15 Jan 10
Marriage is a sacred bond. Both Husband and wife must realise this very fact first. Once they come to know of its significance properly, all other problems confronting to them will vanish.
• India
15 Jan 10
well said Khadimhussainsubhpot it is a scared bond really. We must respect it and preserve it.
@SHAMRACK (8350)
• India
15 Jan 10
Dear friend, I hope marriage is much risky than taking a lottery ticket. Theortical approach much times may be success when it is used in practical. Moreover now I hope the main deffect I noticed in India is Indian culture is not suited to Indian law it has made a great impact on the life and that too family life and values of Indian people. May be I may not be right but I hope so.
• India
15 Jan 10
It is very unfortunate that even Indians start to think marriage is a gamble shamrack.
@zandi458 (27950)
• Malaysia
15 Jan 10
Marriage is a gamble. Love they say is blind and will only get the eyesight back after the marriage.
• India
15 Jan 10
Hi, zandi, love is blind and the marriage is eye opener. True love is a gamble sometimes. It is a treasure for a few lucky people.
• Philippines
22 Jan 10
There are really many couples who wants to enter married life and as fast as they wanted to get in marriage that's how fast are they realized that they wanted to get out of their married life... It is always easy to give without love, but you cannot love without giving, may it, physical pleasures, money,care, etc... It takes a lot of Faith and Loyalty to make a married life a success. Love, Hope, Faith, these are three equally important aspects that you should consider and include in a married life, but above all, God is the source of these thy gifts..... I agree, as vijayanths(90) said, "Again preaching is easy but...."May God Bless Us All, Always...
@aerous (13477)
• Philippines
20 Jan 10
That is because there is lack of love and discipline to their self, my friend. If somebody enter into married life then respect the commandments of God about married they are not failed to have a good relationship...But because on uncontentious in life they are in trouble...have a nice day!!!