How to help a person

January 23, 2010 10:38am CST
Hi mylotters. I have a problem that maybe someone out there could help. My son has a job that takes him away for weeks at a time. He has a girlfriend that has had health problems and has not had a job since she left school and she is 24 all she does all day is text people and go on Facebook. At first i felt sorry for her and have tried to help and talk to her. I have said she needs to look at her situation and make it better. Like go to college or try university or go to see a careers advisor. But she makes excuses and says things like ive tried all that i get bored and end up leaving She still lives with her parents and is an only child. I feel now that my son could do better and that now she makes her illnes an excuse not to work or do anything Ive tried talking to my son but all he says is i have told her. I dont think they would be together if it was not for his job that takes him away. Has anyone got any advice that could be useful to me in this situation. Or should i just ignore it like everyone says to me.
1 person likes this
4 responses
@ladysakurax (1163)
• Canada
24 Jan 10
I think you did the right thing discussing this with your son. IT seems like this girl is just a free loader and a lazy bump. What will your son do when they will live together? i think that you should just warn him about it. Once or twice is enough for him to understand. if he is willing to listen to you, you might continue to give him advices and guide him. If he is still indifferent, make sure that you warned him and that he will take his own responsability if he doesn't want to listen to you. Soon or later, your son will be fed up of her doing nothing. He will leave her on his own. Maybe she will change when the time comes or that the young couple will be happy like that. If your son is old enough, let it be and let him learn by himself.
1 person likes this
• Canada
26 Jan 10
I don't think you are interfering at all. I think that you are a great mother and your son should realize this. I just saw alot of things going on in my family so my comment was due to that. My grandmother once opposed the relationship between my aunt and her husband. Her husband has a darker personnality than the girlfriend of your son. Nonetheless, my aunt was deeply in love and they got married eventually despite my grandmother disapproval. As time has passed, my grandmother had no choice but to accept it. Later on, the father taught the children that grandma was a very evil person who tried to separate them. As a conclusion, they cut their ties with grandma.Her husband was someone manipulative and phony, framed my family in situations where the authoroties were involved and tarnished the reputation of people with disgusting gossips. He even forbid my aunt to meet my grandma since 3 years ago and we will never see her because she passed away and he closed the coffin just to get at us. This was a little off topic but just wanted to tell you from this that if your son is obedient to you, you should continue to make him understand. On the other side, if your son is more stubborn and such, he will think that you will be interfering him. Just make him clear of what your purpose is and you being owrried for him. I don't have any children but I hope this can somehow help you in what your have to do with this situation. My mom said that if I am a good daugther who listens to her, she won't have to repeat over 3 times the same thing and that if I am still stubborn, she said that i will be responsable for myself. When she tells me that, it's like a warning to m and I think twice before rebelling. i hope everythign will be better for you and goodluck
26 Jan 10
Thank you so very much for your kind advice. I will take on board what you have said. Families can be very complicated things I know my son is old enough to make his own decisions and i will take a step back and observe it from afar. I will be there if and when he needs me. Lots of love theskerne xxx
@1corner (744)
• Canada
23 Jan 10
Hi there. And welcome to the forum! You know, it sounds like this'll take the work of everyone around her to get her moving. Are her parents urging her to do something about her situation? Being an only child, they could be enabling her to stay like that. Without their cooperation, it doesn't seem like things will change for her anytime soon. It may also be that she isn't lazy, but is unmotivated simply because she's feeling depressed. You mentioned her having had health problems. Someone who's been sick, especially for some time, naturally gets down in the dumps. Or, having tried before and failed, she may have run out of ideas to pursue. Your advice to see a career counselor, however, sounds smart to me. Lastly, you're only being responsible for your child's well-being. I don't see anything wrong with discussing the matter over with your son. Loving parents want the best for their kids, and situations that don't fit this picture are naturally concerning. He'll have to make a decision regarding this sooner or later - to stay or sever this relationship, but it's his (or theirs) to make ultimately. Just be there to support him emotionally whatever this decision is.
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24 Jan 10
Hi there. My son has come to me with this problem himself but i knew this before he came to me its there for all to see.I think many people think i am interfering as some of the comments made.But i have alway been a caring parent and whether they are 3 or 23 this makes no different. Some parents could not care what happens to their off spring. My son has worked very hard to get where he is and has told her she need to start to do things for herself and contribute in the relationship.
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@Takashy (496)
• Latvia
23 Jan 10
Well, lets face it. She won't be able to do that her whole life. Sooner or later she will have to do something. Which is either getting a job or university/etc.. Even if its a job at the local store. I couldn't even live with myself if I would be forced to live at home while my parents pay for everything... Sure it might be kinda like that right now but as soon as I'm done with school I will be looking for a job so that I can finally earn my own money. Not to mention that I will be responsible for my parents by that time and that I will have to pay for them. Sure she might be sick or something like that but still.. if you or someone else won't do something then who will? I'm not sure if her parents would be able to tell her to finally move and find a job or something else.. as long as shes sick, but c'mon. Someone has to tell her that she won't be able to live like that forever..
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@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
23 Jan 10
theskerne, I don't suppose you are asking for help to help the girl here, as I've seen that much of your efforts so far has gone down the gutters. Besides, I feel that she is old enough to think for herself and that if her parents cannot be bothered then I don't think you should go further than what you have already done. Sometimes, it is better to take a step back and observe things from the sideline. Doing more than it is required is just interfering and could just create more animosity than anything else at the end of the day. At least, she will not have the excuse to carry a tale to your son at the end of the day. As for your son, I feel that you should trust him enough to decide for himself and on his choices. You need to remember that he is not that 3 year old that he used to be and he should have some personal space what he wants to do with his life especially since he has grown up. Personal development of romantic feelings is not of a concern here - I am only concern about the pushing of personal agenda, especially with regards to the outcome of a breakup. As much as you think that you want to provide a 'bigger picture' for them to see, insofar to escape this seemingly 'hellhole' - we have to be cautious about what sort of 'bigger picture' we want to portray and if this is an assumption of our own personal 'bigger picture' or does it implied an unconscious hidden agenda? Just take a backseat, so that you are approachable and does not seem to the in between of some of his life's struggles. Take care and have a nice day.
24 Jan 10
The only concern i have is for my own child, Yes i do have concerns over his chosen girl but it does not matter how old they are you still look out for them and that is what i will continue to do. She has had many people talking to her including my sister. So if you think i have not done enough to help then i am sorry for that. My son has worked very hard to get where he is. Some of your comments are not understood another words i do not know what you are talking about. I am not the enamy as you seem to portray in your comment i am very much there for them both. She comes to see me every week, all i want for them is to have a good life and be able to contribute to life and society
1 person likes this
• Singapore
24 Jan 10
theskerne, As what you've posted and I quote: "But she makes excuses and says things like ive tried all that i get bored and end up leaving..." It really sort of painted you being meddlesome and as such I am of opinion that you take a backseat since you've already done enough. Besides, she's already 24 years old, surely she should be able to know what she has to do and ought to do. And, I just do not think giving excuses here and there, would mean that she understands and/or appreciates what you are doing. I am sorry if you have found any offense in my post as I really meant well and not what you have perceived. Take care and have a nice day.