Need some critics and advice on my essay! Help!

Ok. I thought it was very good. What is the rest of what you have to do for this grade if this is only 20% of it? Pictures? I would be curious. Nicely done though. I can't imagine not having a family and especially through such a hard time. You must be a very strong to have endured raising a child on your own at such a young age.

Well, Jen, I'm sitting here in a pool of tears (thanks!) does that tell you anything? As I first began reading I was very drawn into the story but trying to figure how this would tie into your topic but your wrapped it all up with emotion that could be felt and beautifully. I think it is a beautiful story and very well written. I can't even relate to it and you got me crying!

wow. that is just beautiful. what a wonderful true life story. i hope your teacher likes it halph as much as i did. you will surely get a good grade. i think you are a very good writer.

Oh Jen! Not only wouldn't I change on single word of this, but I would give you the highest grade possible! It is perfectly written, and it is a true story and comes straight from the heart! And it made me get all teary too! I know that your story will blow your teacher and anyone else who reads it away! And, it is just something else that I didn't know about you and it just shows what an amazing woman you turned out to be! It is no easy task raising a child on your own, with no family to back you, but you did this at the age of 16? That is totally amazing and incredible and to turn out to be such a wonderful and loving person as you have! You don't even seem to be the least bit bitter for having your family turn their back on you! And what a wonderful woman your Nana must have been! I am so sorry she is no longer with us! May she rest in peace and know what a wonderful woman she was and what a wonderful granddaughter she has! Love and hugs, Leslie

I loved your piece Jen and I was very moved by it; I thought it was beautiful! I don’t have any criticism, the only advice I have would be to separate the text into paragraphs otherwise I think it’s really good and very well written. By the way should “I have missed you so long” be “I have missed you for so long”?You have done a great job and I hope your tutor appreciates it as much as I do! Good luck; having read your story I admire your strength and I’m so glad you got your Nana back into your life for a few years.

The narrative is great but I think the title does not complement it well. Its never about "love" but rather the flight of a girl named JenInTN. I would prefer a title "JenInTN, This is my Story" or something to focus on your name.

I think the writing is very good. As long as it is the right format and length I would expect you to get a very good grade!

I am sorry that this was written so long ago, but I still want to respond and tell you that it is wonderfully written and from the heart. I am so sorry that your life was such a struggle, but at the same time I can tell that it has made you a strong woman and one who I am glad to know, if only on this site and in this meager way. I love what you have written and wish that I could have taken you into my own loving and giving family who has always been here for all of its members, no matter what. Each of us has struggled along in our own way, but to let one leave the family's folds would be unheard of. I am sorry for your pain and so happy for you that your grandmother found you and you were able to have her back, if only for a few years. I think that I have become a "mother figure" to many. I know that my own children's friends ALL call me mom and I am sure there will be quite a few who I will become "Nana" to as my grandchildren get older.........I am to a few now. Even some of the adults who I meet online I am mothering to and want to comfort and give some loving and comfort to, since I have had it most of my life. Not that my entire life was a breeze, but my family has been an important part of it. I have a lot of respect for you and know that your child(ren?) has been wonderfully parented after knowing you online and I am happy, as I said that you were able to connect with your grandmother and have that part of her and know her.

Truly heartwrenching...written with a whole lot of emotion and intrigue! You should muster up the best of marks...truly! And thank you for sharing! I am so glad that you did find a family connection, as it does seem to round out our world! My life was/is somewhat similar...but the people (my Mother & Sister) whom after many, many years decided to contact me...when somehow they found out I was married to an Airlines Pilot, it didn't take me long to find out, they only wanted to use the connection. Airline's Pilot's families (1st removed) fly at HUGE discounts...or no money at all, other than airport taxes! They only "be-familied" me to USE me...I saw the tree thru the forest....NOW, my sister is wanting to become a sister, again...as she needs a home, and money! I don't know what to do! I just wished the re-connection would be for familial reasons...NOT selfish! Congratulations..Jen...evoked a lot of emotions in me. HUGZ & Cheers!

I would consider literary criticism a weakness of mine, but I did very much enjoy reading your story.

It is a wonderful story, jen. I'm sorry your family treated u the way they did. again we have something in common. The only thing i see wrong w/your story is that your grandmother didn't find u earlier than she did. I wish u a great grade on this. it's open & honest & i fell sure u will do well w/it. let me know how u do. hugs. jo

I think this is a great story! It's sad but it's very good. I can't think of anything that needs to be done, myself. I'm sorry if I'm not much help. It sounds like you had a pretty tough time and I'm sorry about that. I just wish that your parents could have forgiven you and been accepting of the fact that they had a grandchild. I think you deserve an "A" for this story, myself. Maybe some of the other mylotters can help you, though. Kathy.

i read your story and enjoed it. i think it is better to love and lost than never loved at all good luck

Well, you wanted a critic so here it goes. At your age in college you sure have not learned any writing skills and your spelling is atrocious. Whatever college kept you in class, was just keeping you for your money. And this is my point. I have to deal with doctors, mechanics, teachers and others that supposedly went to college, and all I see are bumbling fools that don't know squat. We simpletons simply can't comprehend the enormous brain power of you geniuses. We are so inferior compared to you college brains, that we should all go live on some island away from you people. Hey that just may be a good idea, I mean after all if we can find all your mistakes and correct them, maybe we could start a new society that just may have some good living changes. We may even be able to live without all your machines and computers, and actually be the ones to survive, after you all are gone from the wars you start over all the material possessions that you just have to have. I would not waste the money you are wasting on college, if you can't come out on top before your 18 years old, then you have been using too much time partying and cutting loose. You should have done the math before you started college and earned a living to save money for your own business instead of paying some phony college to teach you what I have learned since I was 16. Do your self a favor and go to Vo-tech and learn survival skills instead of wasting away your life in college to flip hamburgers when you get out.

You have your perceptions of me as some unfeeling fool, but let me tell you something, all you people who went to college have the same ideas of being superior to any other people who by the way have contributed more to the world then college educated people. When in fact any major crisis that comes along has some ties to college educated people being behind the problem. You are being brainwashed by these colleges that life is beautiful after college, but all you have learned to do is how to cheat and rob your way to the top, and even resort to sleeping your way to the top. I have proof in my senators of my state and congress, and even the false president that thinks he can manipulate the people out of their rights, all because he came from college, that taught him how to be a smooth talker, and not some brain that knows how to fix simple problems. All you college people get away with lying and running con jobs on people who can't defend themselves. You are no exception, right here on some social website you are trying to get your scores up, by getting people to give you the answers. You are probably looking right now for someone to write your thesis for you, and you are too lazy to study the subject and find a way to get your 20% grade. Your just mad that I am one to see past the smoke screen your putting up. The reason I did not go to college is by my own decision and not of being dumb. Just by your reply, you are showing that you have no interest in anything other then passing your grade. And this is my point. If you were the so-called smart college educated person you claim to be, you would be spending your time with studies to better yourself instead of writing on these sites. You asked an opinion, and I just read your post and made an honest reply, if you can't take the heat of society then you wont be able to give any advise that is of any use to anyone. And another thing, I would like to mention is if you wanted any worthwhile help with your writing skills, you would have had the brains to research on writing sites instead of a social site like mylot. You see I write too, but not to make 10 cents on a site. I make decent money where I write. I only answer to a few posts here and there, when it interests me. Colleges are only there to take your money, and don't care if you pass or not. They are set up to take over the world with the rest of the elite, and will search through the top ten percent, to find the next puppet that will roll with the New World Order. Obama is a good example of what the college elite want to do to this world. They primped and pampered his life for just that reason, and had him already to be president thirty years before he was even a senator. Take away your books and slide rules and your just an equal to anyone else. I really don't care what people here think of me, and I really don't know why you are so arrogant about college. Your just part of the cookie cutter age, where all that matters is that you follow the leader, party on, and step on someone else's life to get yours. I also know at least 15 people just in my town that all were big college graduates, and all of them are selling vacuum cleaners or flipping hamburgers, so don't give me the holier then thou speech. At least I didn't pay $100,000 for some piece of paper, that anyone can go on the Internet to buy for $200. And you know in the back of your mind, that what I told you is truth, and the truth will set you free. I done research on several doctors in my home town and found that they had no knowledge other then a piece of paper that could not be proven to be legitimate.