Kids Matter in Relationships?

@mjmlagat (3171)
Philippines
February 5, 2010 1:30am CST
Hello all! I want to hear your thoughts on this matter: do kids matter in every relationship, may it be marriage or just a love relationship? I'm posting this because I have known so many couples making themselves martyrs because they just can't afford to leave each other because of kids...is this justifiable? Please share your thoughts on the matter. Thanks!
11 people like this
26 responses
• Romania
5 Feb 10
Hi. First of all, I`m not married (yet). But this is a problem in my relationship too with my girlfriend. We`ve been together for 3 and a half years now and she`s wants me to marry her and to have kids. Everytime we see some kids playing or movies with kids... well than I know: she`s gonna start all over again. And I just keep saying to myself: Oh No, not again! I think I`m not mature enough to have kids...
3 people like this
@mariechin (428)
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
I'm not married yet, and I'm only 23 years old and single. This is my point of view as a young adult. For me, it depends on what role do you value most. As a mom? As a wife? As a personal with own conviction? In our case, my mom did not file any separation papers on my dad because of us. But until this time, my mom still have that emotional baggage in herself and always self pity. Maybe its justifiable for women who value their role as a mother rather than a wife. IN my own opinion (i dont know maybe this could change when I grow old), i would rather be self fulfilled and maintained my confidence by separating with my husband if the respect to th relationship was gone even if we have a child. Besides, you can separate while maintaining the role of being a mom right? this is only an opinion. hehehe
2 people like this
@se7enthbird (8330)
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
i am married already for 7 years and we have a son and he is four years old. kids matter in a relationship but i dont think that i can go on with a relationship when i am no longer happy just because of my child. i dont think that it will be healthy for the child to see parents figthing or not talking at all. if the parents no longer feel that they have to live in the same house then it is better to live on separate houses. it is for the child as well if the child will live on a fight free house.
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
okay, I got your point...thanks again for sharing...
1 person likes this
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
me and my siblings were raise in a household were our parents always fight. it took years before they decided to separate but the damage was done already. bad words and humiliating words was said already and it did not help us in any way to see them together but they always have friction. just my opinion. i know there are people who still think it is better to stay together for the benifit of the children.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
6 Feb 10
kids are very much affected if parents are separately living.i don't think that it will be healthy in child if they see parents fighting.
1 person likes this
• United States
6 Feb 10
This is a bias guess from a person who Never wanted kids in the first place.so here it goes. I think couples who stay " for the sake of the children" think they need to keep the family together. The kids Need a father and a mother. But what they don't realize is that the kids see how miserable they are together or worse, how civil they are together and they get the wrong impression that it is their fault why mommy and daddy are not happy. Or that marriage is suppose to make you unhappy. I feel that seeing Mommy and Daddy happy , with or without each other is better than seeing them unhappy.
1 person likes this
@kellyjeanne (1578)
• United States
6 Feb 10
Yes, kids matter in EVERY relationship because kids are the most vulnerable in society mainly because they and are not capable of making life decisions. They depend on us for that. That is why we are the parents. We are the adults. That's what makes them most vulnerable and if we, as adults, don't take care of them and make good decisions for them they are the ones who will end up suffering because of it. If you are an adult who has chosen to have children then you must take on the responsibilities of having them and that includes being wise and making decisions that are, ultimately, in their best interest. When we were growing up my dad sexually and physically abused all of us and my mom decided it was best to stay married to him. She reasoned that it was best for us, the kids. That was the worst decision that she could have made. Eventually, she did get a divorce, but, not until after extensive damage had been done to us. As a result I suffer from many different mental disabilities and can't work as a result. If I wasn't on medication I would not be able to function normally. Yes, growing up without a parent can be very hard, but, it's even harder to grow up with BOTH parents when one (or even both) of them is abusive toward you. Have a good day! Purrs, Catwoman=^..^= & Mija
1 person likes this
@lecanis (16740)
• Murfreesboro, Tennessee
6 Feb 10
I think they matter, but I also think that it has to be looked at from a broader view too. People who choose to stay together simply because they have kids together are not only making themselves miserable, most of the time they wind up resenting their children and each other... and kids pick up on these things! Some of the most unhappy children I've known have been ones who have parents who don't really want to be together but stay together. They can feel the tension in the air in a room, they can hear the little things you say that you don't think they can, they can pick up on moods and changes in emotions. Especially older kids! My friend's son actually jumped for joy when he found out his parents were finally getting divorced, just because things had been strained for so long. (He's 12!) Personally, I didn't want to subject my child to that, so I left a relationship that wasn't working with his father. His father is still a part of his life, and that's never going to change, but he doesn't have to deal with us not being able to stand each other anymore! We can even talk civilly now that we have some distance, and honestly care about each other's well-being again!
1 person likes this
@Tallygirl09 (1385)
• United States
6 Feb 10
Based on the research it is FAR FAR worse for the child or children to have their parents stay together "for the sake of the children". There is almost nothing worse that having to live in a tense environment where arguements are frequent and the resentment between the parents is visible to everyone. And as far as not being able to financially afford to leave, I think that's something of an excuse too in most cases. If for example a woman was a stay at home mom and did not have any income of her own, then she could use coupons and shop sales to save money on groceries and keep that money for herself. She is in effect earning it if she has to find the coupons, and the deals and make the grocery money cover as much as possible for the least amount of money. In most countries, a women can get a part time job and then use some of that money to save up. Even if she was only able to put a small amount aside, she would have a plan to make a better life for herself and her children. Living hand to mouth is far better than living well fed and dressed but in a horrible relationship. You couldn't pay me enough money to live and stay in a miserable relationship where I know a child is going to be damaged by the situation. Believe me, I am not saying it would be easy to make the changes to get a divorce or break up with the person but it is doable. Where there is a will there is a way.
1 person likes this
@dragon54u (30253)
• United States
5 Feb 10
I think couples with children should make every effort to stay together. That doesn't mean just suffering through it, though. They should work on the relationship and get professional help if they need it. It means so much for children to have both parents! If the marriage is in any way abusive, though, I think a separation or intensive therapy is essential because it is setting an example of what children will expect in their own marriage.
1 person likes this
@sukumar794 (5048)
• Thiruvananthapuram, India
5 Feb 10
Oh yes ! Kids reaffirm the bond of love and mutual trust gained through marital alliance. Kids bring in joy and the bond of marriage is further strengthened with their arrival.
1 person likes this
@Galena (9124)
5 Feb 10
well I don't want to have any. our relationship is whole and complete without children, and I've never really had the slightest desire to have any. I feel sorry for the children in relationships where the parents are staying together just because they have them. its harmful for the children. better for the children that the parents separate and are happy, rather than raise children in an unhappy home. when my parents separated my life was better. I was no longer exposed to that horrible atmosphere of bullying and unhappiness. people shouldn't stay together "for the kids" it messes them up more than separation ever could.
1 person likes this
@SHAMRACK (8350)
• India
5 Feb 10
Dear friend, For me to be with my kid I have to attain a court order. Moreover I am sure parents have a great role in keeping and giving the value of relationship to kids. I hope a kid who have better relationships would accepted well in the society and more humane as a social being.
@mensab (4208)
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
of course, children do matter in any relationships. they make the relationshhip stronger. they provide reason for the relationship to continue and be nurtured. i believe that being together or in a relationship, children are simply the consequential causes of being together. the main cause and reason should be that they love each other. if not, then they will have to find other ways to raise children and not be together. i pity the kids to see them being together and yet not loving each other. it will result to a lot of fighting.
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
hi, relationship always matters to kids,,, because it gives much advantage to them having a complete family than those separated.... if there is no physical, abuse contacts then no need to be separated...
@rsa101 (13343)
• Philippines
5 Feb 10
Well at some point kids do play a role in binding relationships together. We all know how bad it would affect our kids if we see our parents living separately. They would kind of wonder or might think that they are the cause of separation so many parents consider this when they are contemplating separating with their partners. Children are the innocent victims in the separation and when one wants it both should consider their children if what they want is really worth it for their kids.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Sep 10
There are many cases in which a person can determine if the kids matter in their relationships. Most couples think and know that their kids are still dependent on whatever they are giving to them, and that is absolutely true. Actually, if they don't love each other then they can go for a divorce but they should keep in their minds that they are still responsible for the needs of their kids.
@mjmlagat (3171)
• Philippines
3 Sep 10
I truly agree juvin!
@Jagokonte (123)
• Greece
2 Oct 10
The ethical dilemma is what is better if you are the child? To grow in a single-parent family without the happy family environment and without much noises either or to grow into a stressful environment with lot of aggressiveness, maybe violence and also abusiveness? I would choose the first one.
• Philippines
1 Oct 10
It can be kids matter,but when its hard to fix things between the couples then they have to let there children understand such situation in the right time, children might understand as time goes by.
• Philippines
30 Sep 10
In some parents they prioritizes their children to be part in their relationship..It is on the parents to control their temper not to burst in front to the kids...I think in every problem there's always a solution not just end up in separation, kids will suffer for that mentally as they grow older.
• Philippines
7 Sep 10
Hi mam, As I know,children are blessings from heaven to show us that there is more in marriage not just being a husband and a wife but also being a parents. Children is important to be called a family but the most important thing is LOVE. But that doesnt mean you need to stay together as a couple for the sake and love of your children. And im sure if parents would just explain this problem to their children im sure they would understand the whole thing. Thats why its called family.