I wont let my daughter go to a friends house.

@kymomof3 (155)
United States
February 8, 2010 1:40pm CST
My daughter has a friend who asked me why my daughter never comes to her house? I always make an excuse for her not to go over there or I let the girl come over to our house. The problem is that the girl lives with her grandmother and her uncles. These uncles have been in trouble and the police have been there and arrested them more than a few times. Then last year her teenage cousin, who lived next door, committed murder.I dont know what to tell the girl. She should be able to figure it out,she's 12 yrs old. She is a good kid and I hope that the habits of her family dont become her habits in the future.
4 people like this
23 responses
@chillpill90 (1937)
8 Feb 10
I do understand what your saying but what you are failing to realise is that to her friend this is normal for the police to come over all the time as she has been brought up in that enviroment. But i think you should talk to her grandmother and ask for her reassurance that if your kid goes round there then that she will make sure nothing bad happens. Or you could go to that house with her and keep a eye on her.
1 person likes this
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Hi chillpill, Thanks I didnt think about it being normal for her. I still ont want her to go without me,even with her grandmas reassurance ,I dont think she could control what her sons do or when they may get arrested again.I dont think that my daughter will be harmed in anyway there, I just think it may scare her.
• United States
9 Feb 10
Have you asked your daughter what she has told her. Kids talk, your daughter may have told her already why or made up a story not to hurt her friends feelings. The girl may be searching for the truth or guidance. The girl has been coming to your home and see how things are there. She most likely wonders why they are not the same at here own home. Talk to your daughter and then sit down with this young girl and have an honest heart to heart talk. Let her know that you worry about your own daughter but her also. Let them know that when they are at your home you know that they are both safe and not being exposed to or hear about bad things. Even make a joke that you would be offended if they started hanging out over there with an older woman and a couple guys instead of you. You'll figure out how to handle it but I would talk to your daughter first. good luck You are doing the right thing by not letting your daughter there. Keep up the great job mom.
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
10 Feb 10
Hi FRANCISCOANDLEE, Thanks! Great ideas and yes I have talked to my daughter about this and she understands. I dont know if she has said anything to her friend as to why she cant come over there.My daughter is a sweet girl and I dont think she would say anything to hurt her friend.
@deedee328 (1127)
• United States
9 Feb 10
As a mother, we pretty much have just our instincts to go on when it comes to protecting our children. I would be concerned about letting my child go to a house where anyone had been arrested so many times. I agree with you, at the age of twelve, and knowing about the family history of arrests and violence, the friend should be able to figure out why you do not want to let your daughter go to that house. At the same time, the friend may not understand what other people's actions have to do with her. You should be honest with her. Tell her that you are concerned for your daughter's safety over there. You need to make sure that the friend understands that you think she is a good, honest, decent person, and you do not blame her in any way for the behaviors of her relatives. I was real strict about letting my children go visit and spend the night at friends' houses. None of them had any history like you mentioned. It was just sort of my policy that if I didn't know the parents, then my kid wasn't going there. My oldest son hated it and did not understand. The best way I knew to explain it was simply that I did not know what kind of people they were, but I did know what kind of people we are. I had to make my children understand that you never know people quite as well as you think you do. Just because they go to school with this other child, doesn't mean that they know them and what kind of family they come from. I guess I got that from my mother. She had six kids. She always preferred for us to bring friends to our house rather than let us go to theirs. There were many days and weekends that she would have 15-20 kids in the yard. She always said that was okay with her, cause as long as everyone was at our house, she knew where her kids were. She also knew that no matter how many kids were around, we were all safe.
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
10 Feb 10
Hi deedee, My mom was the same way. Our house was always full of kids growing up. I remember there were about 10 of us at my house one day, when a guy from the water company came to check something. He asked if those we were all her kids and she told him yes.We all had a good laugh about it. I guess I get alot of my perenting ways from my mom. Even though at the time I thought she was the meanest mom ever.
• Canada
8 Feb 10
I think you made a great decision. Every week we hear in the news. Some child becomes missing, or some innocent child has been murdered. I have a son and a daughter. My daughter has a couple of friends that she plays with. Sometimes she will go over to her house, but not too much. The only reason I do let her go to her friends is because her friends mother is a christian and we all go to school together every morning and her friend is just a few floors up from us. We don't trust a lot of people, especially when it has to do with our children.
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Hi tdiamond33, Yes its a sad,scary world we live in today. I dont trust alot of people either and try to take the time to get to know the parents before I let my children go anywhere.I live in the country so I like to think I dont have as many worries as parents in the city,but there is danger everywhere when you are a parent. Thank-you for your response and continue to love and take care of your kids and keep them safe.
@lingli_78 (12852)
• Australia
8 Feb 10
i can perfectly understand what you mean... i will be very wary letting my daughter goes to a friend's house that has so many troubles as well... it is always a mum's instinct to protect her children and i think you are doing the right thing... you just have to explain it to your daughter's friend in a nice way why you don't let your daughter go to her house... good luck... take care and have a nice day...
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Hi lingli_78, I think I am doing the right thing also ,my daughter does not :(. I have explained to my daughter my reasoning as to why she isnt allowed to go over there an she seems to understand. She doesnt think its fair because some of her other friends still get to go over there.Being a mom isnt always easy. One day when my daughter is a mom, she will understand thats all I can hope for when she thinks Im being so unfair.Thanks and Have a nice day too.
• United States
8 Feb 10
It's such a shame that the child has to pay for the actions of the adults in her home. Unfortunately, your daughter must be protected by you. If you don't feel it's a safe place, you shouldn't allow her to visit. When the child asks if your daughter can come over, I would suggest you say something like, "I only allow her to visit places where I know the parents very well". There's no reason to be specific or tell her anything to hurt her feelings. I would add that while she can't go over there, that the girl is free to come visit at your home.
@kymomof3 (155)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Hi gfreegabbi, It is a shame and I dont know the circumstances as to why she lives there or where her mom is. She does go and visit her mom because Ive heard her talk about it.Thanks for responding with some good ideas of what to tell her.And happy mylotting !! :)
• India
21 Mar 10
I see your daughter's friend is not living in a right sort of an environment. Such an environment is bound to influence her in future, however good she might be now. Her company would be inimical for your daughter. It is natural for you to have fears for your daughter. You are able to see the things in proper perspective, but your daughter being young cannot. You will have to tell her why you fear for her. Explain to her what could be the implications. I am sure your daughter would understand. As for your daughter's friend, keep making excuses, with even telling her why you do not wish that your daughter should visit their home.
@SViswan (12095)
• India
20 Mar 10
I've gone through the posts that say that you can let your daughter go across after talking to the adults. If that is not acceptable to you, I think you can talk to the girl and explain that though you like her and you don't mind her being friends with your daughter, you are just not comfortable sending her to her home. She's 12. I'm sure she will understand once you talk to her. I don't think 12 is old enough to figure this out herself.
@hagirl (1296)
• United States
10 Feb 10
I am glad you are taking the initiative to have your daughters friend over because her home life is probably shaky with all of this going on also. I do not know how your daughter would or could perceive all of this but there is going to come a time when Because I said so,, is not going to be enough.... I know when I was growing up it was not enough for me and I was a preachers daughter.... I am now 40 and I understand things better but when my parents started explaining instead of demanding it made more sense and I understood much better.... Don't sell your daughter short she probably has learned worst things at school sorry to say.... It is not like when we were younger that is for sure....
@andy77e (5170)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Well, there's a risk. If you tell her straight up, she might say something at home, and then you have troublesome neighbors who now don't like you. Could cause problems later on. I'd let her figure it out. Of course I think I wouldn't like my kids around her either. Sad, but as they say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and a bad apple spoils the bunch. If she ends up like her family, which would be normal since that's what she's grown up in, and then influences your daughter, that's not a good plan. Especially since you are heading into those really troublesome years right now.
• India
9 Feb 10
I think your decision is totally right. After all you have to save your kid at first. After that all other things comes.......
• India
9 Feb 10
i think you are absolutely tight in ewhatever you are doing..you should never let her go there because her friend is brought up in that environment and the coming of police is no big deal for her....she stys there with them and is bound to have some affect of them,if you daughter goes there or mixes with that girl much often its obvious for a kid to adopt her deeds as she is not in the age to know whats good or bad for her still
• India
9 Feb 10
hi kymomof, i can very well understand what you say.. i think you can call her friend to your house so that u can keep monitoring that your daughter is safe....
@loved1 (5338)
• United States
9 Feb 10
It is better to have your daughter and her friend mad at you than to have something tragic happen because you went against your best judgement. Mother's intuition is more than just a myth or an old wives tale. I would never let my daughter go into that type of situation. It is much better to have them spend time together at your home or someplace public, like a library or cafe where at least you know they are being supervised and are safe. The world is a dangerous place full of dangerous people. You can't be too careful with your child.
@janairah (67)
• Philippines
9 Feb 10
yes i understand your situation,your did is right.its good if the girl are going in to your place.maybe if your daughter i think maybe someday she will be in trouble too right?just be careful ok
@josh_box (17)
• Philippines
9 Feb 10
you should explain to your daugthers friend what realy the reason in a simple matter and ley her understand why you dont wants to let your daugther visit there house. just make sure that word that wont offend the little girl. im sure that little girl will understand
• China
9 Feb 10
I know your thought,This is the way to expression mother's love.I think you do it right.YOU daughter's friend is unfortunnate.she often come to your house,maybe you can give her more mother's love.maybe it will change her own life.
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Oh kymomof3, you are doing the right thing. While my girls were growing up, I never felt it was good to pick and choose their friends. I'm not very judgmental of different family styles and ways as I myself am far from perfect. Still there were a couple of homes that I had to do the same thing. I just didn't want my daughter there when and if things happened because they happened quite a lot and the parents were not able to keep track of the girls. Your reasons are even more legitimate than mine. I did sometimes let my daughter go over to these houses for an hour or so after school but never for long periods and never overnight. This family sounds a bit rougher than the ones I've experienced. With so much going on in that house I would not want my daughter over there either. It's too bad that that poor little girl has to be put in that spot but maybe she is learning how NOT to be by seeing all of this.
@glaiz_9 (367)
• Philippines
9 Feb 10
You should tell your daughter if you trust her that she will understand you. And you can tell that girl too, gently. I think communication is still the best solution for it. Besides I think that girl should be in your house more. Environment has an effect to a growth of a child anyway.
@tess5162 (66)
• United States
9 Feb 10
Your daughter is at an age where you should be able to tell her your concerns as to why you feel she shouldnt go to their house. Maybe you should suggest her inviting the friend over to your house. That way your daughter can still spend time w/ her friend and you will know that your daughter is safe.