she completely lost her mind..she's coming for a visit???...

@p3ks626 (6538)
Philippines
February 14, 2010 9:57am CST
A few days ago, my husband and I told his ex-girlfriend not to communicate with his family anymore because we find it inappropriate since we're already married. Though she was close to the family before, I she should keep her distance since she isn't a part of our family. When she was confronted not to do these things she was so mad especially at me. Telling me I am jealous because she's close to my husbands family. Whoa! I know she has some insecurities but it made me angry when she took it negatively when we told her not to do contact anymore. And now, I found out that she's coming to our house to visit? Man! She completely lost her mind. What is she trying to prove? If she would not be ashamed about it and arrive in our house one day soon, what would be the best thing that I can do about it? If you were me, what should you do?
5 people like this
19 responses
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
15 Feb 10
Hi p3ks626, Well, I know it doesn't seem right to you but I kind of have to side with her a bit on this one. I had become really close to my ex's family also. When we broke up, I still remained close to them. I would visit his mom and grandfather and they would sometimes pop into my place for a coffee. That was years ago and to this day, his mom and I exchange e-mails and call & meet for coffee, remember each other at birthdays and holidays. I am in contact with his sister as well. I probably would not listen if someone told me to stay away from them. Now I'm a little confused as you said that she is coming to YOUR house. Do you live with his parents? If so then I can see how that would be awkward. If I were you I'd be civil to her or it is apt to make the situation worse.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (30960)
• United States
15 Feb 10
What has she done to make you think that? If that is true then you should just kill her with kindness and don't let on that it bothers you in any way even tho it does. By not showing any worries or anger then you will be showing her that you are confident that your marriage is strong as well as your relationship with the in-laws.Now if she starts knocking on YOUR door then you may have to speak up. What do they have to say about all this?
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
My husband and I are not living with his family but noe technically. Their house is like five steps away from us, its like a compound or something. Actually, its fine by me is she would make friends with them and just say hi or something but what make me really mad is she is doing this things to prove to me that she's still better and that the family is still in favor of her than me. Its not right anymore and I just cant tolerate that.
@Ladyslipper (1327)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I used to be in the same situation. My husband's ex was also close to my husband's family. She still visits my husband's Mom but I don't care. As long as he is not visiting my husband. She's still texting, calling and even sending emails to my husband. I did not confront her about it. I just let my husband tell her to keep her distance from us. I was also close to my ex family but when he got married I kept my distance even to my ex family. It is because I know how awkward and uncomfortable the situation will be for his wife. I also want her to have a chance to be close to my ex family. I no longer have communication to my ex family. Eversince he got married. For me, if the girl has a common sense and is on her right mind then she should be decent enough to stay away from your husband. You can't force her though to stay away from your husband's family but she should at least know when and when not to show herself especially if you and your husband is around. It means she should stay away from both of you especially if you are in a group conversation with your husband's parents or other family members. It should be your moment and not her so she has no right to get their attention why you are with them. She should at least know that you don't feel comfortable. She is also a woman so she should know that. Unless she is really dumb or callous or pretending to be dumb.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 Feb 10
I think the reason she can't understand it is because she does not want to do so based on your story. In this situation, what I would do is I would act as if she's invisible. However, your husband's family should also do the same thing. I believe your husband should tell that girl right on her face that she's unwelcome! Throw a party for you, your husband's family and your family, be the organizer and don't invite her. It's hard to deal with people who clearly understand the situation but they don't want to understand. It's more of they act as if they are innocent and does not know they are doing anything wrong when in fact they really know. Maybe the girl needs counselling.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
That's the problem here because she doesn't have that decency to think about it that way. She's not smart enough to understand these things. Even if we told her about it, how much it is making us uncomfortable. The thing now is that she knows we dont like it, so she is trying to annoy us more by doing the things we dont want her to do.
1 person likes this
@missweety (626)
• Latvia
14 Feb 10
Shes's totally out of her mind! I have an idea! Invite her for a visit so you will be prepared! And at the same time try to invite some of your friends men - who are sigle and make a small inner together- telling everyone that she is a single and she is looking for a good man...etc...tell everyone how good she is etc...so she feels uncomfortable, try to play out this joke with her so she never 1 ever comes back Good luck!!! Towards crazy people have to play crazy
1 person likes this
@piya84 (2581)
• India
14 Feb 10
Make sure ur men friends are more attractive than your husband so she will go behind one of them.Headache gone.
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Hahaha!!!!!! better advice hahahah!!!
@Nameless_ (1180)
• Australia
14 Feb 10
I would.... be nice and tell her that this is what you want and tell her that she should respect you. Things will get ugly if you become negative too.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
maybe you could try distracting her with something. I dont know what it is but, i think something that could make her leave you and our husband alone...
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
We tried to do that. Told her nicely we didn't like what she was doing and she took it negatively. I think she doesn't know that word respect.
1 person likes this
@lhadie (32)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Every person deserves a right treatment. Though it is hard, we have to treat them nicely, unless she'll do something that hits beyond the line. We don't what will be the intentions she as, but as long as she'll appear there nicely and won't do any scandalous things then she has to be entertain.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yeah! She did something before that was already beyond her limits and I dont want her to do it again. That was it and no more. I am nice and I can be nice only if I get the same thing form this person. She did things to me and I cant tolerater her doing it to me again.
• Philippines
14 Feb 10
try to tell her infront with your husband to get lost and stop bothering you and your family again. or better yet, be nice to her, and show her that you and your husband love each other so much that there is no room for her.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
With the statement of p3k626... why not try telling your husband (in an affectionate way) to confront the other woman.. Because I think, the woman is still thinking that your husband shows something to her, not unless your husband will be the one telling her that I he don't like what she's doing... your husband and you should be a team player at this moment..
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I think we are doing both thins you mentioned in you comment. The problem here is that she knew that my husband and I dont like what she's doing, and since we dont like, she keeps doing it to make us feel really bad. Imagine!
1 person likes this
@reckon21 (3479)
• Philippines
12 Apr 10
Your husbands ex is coming for a visit. That would be a circus just kidding. Why don't you try to meet her face to face and see what stuff she is made of. Analyze her and plan your strategy. Did you consider her as an enemy or a threat and if you are then you better be prepared. Since she was using her close relationship with your husbands family it will be hard. Do not lost your cool and your control. Don't let her win. She wins if she finds you worried and trembling in front of her. Face her and don't be afraid let her come and try to reasoned with her in a gentle manner. Show her you are a force to be reckoned with.
@daliaj (5674)
• India
27 May 10
You made a good move. Yes, she is not decent. No decent girl will do these kind of actions. Now, from the above post I understand that the situation is in your control now and you don't worry about the issue anymore. That is great. You should thank all the Mylot friends who made your mind bold and encouraged you to prevent the situation. Good luck to you and god bless you.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
12 Apr 10
Hi there! I made this discussion 2 months ago and I wasnt expecting I am still gonna get responses for this but thank you actually. Well, for the past two months I have been doing a lot of things that will make her stay away. The means of communication she has with my in-laws was just facebook and maybe she also sends them messages in their mobile phones but mostly, their communication is in facebook. So, I planned out things and really showed her who was boss and that she doesnt have a part to play in my family anymore. It was just simple things that I did to make her stay away and what I did was that I uploaded pictures of me and my family in our facebook. Though we are not friends in facebook, she will see the updates of my in-laws in their account. I also made myself prettier and I also showed her how close we were with the comments that I make in my in-law's profiles. It was last week that I discovered she was not friends with my in-laws anymore. I dont know if my in=laws deleted it or maybe she deleted it but it doesnt matter to me now cause she's just really insecure and I think she can tell for herself now that she doesnt have a place with us. I dunno if she also have some plans cause I am still thinking that with the kind of person that she is, she's not decent enough to consider others feelings and she doesnt care if she's hurting anybody. Maybe one of these days she's going to appear in our house but I already know what to do. So, I dont worry anymore and have learned a lot from this experience.
@sweetyethot (1737)
• China
15 Feb 10
Hi,dear,I do come up with a very good idea,which needs u to exert ur best to prove ur ability being a better housewife than her.You get along with all your husband's family,dont u?What about show her the closeness between u and ur family ?And let her know she can be replaced.Meanwhile,dont forget to show ur common hospitality and ur coldness as well.lol Thats hard.Anyway,wish u all the best!
1 person likes this
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I guess I'll just have to show her who's boss. lol
@Tallygirl09 (1380)
• United States
15 Feb 10
I'm confused. She's his ex yet has decided to visit anyway? Do you and your husband live with his family so in effect she'd be visiting everyone? If that is the case, then I'd take hubby aside and tell him that he needs to let his family know it's not right. He needs to take a firm stand now and support you and protect your feelings! He needs to let them know that it would be stressful and hurtful to both of you as you are married now. Breaking up with someone does mean you lose the family connection too. I've never known it to be any different for anyone that I knew. There's no way it can work well for everyone. If she wants to visit them, she can stay at a hotel and they can all meet there for lunch. There's no reason for her to come around you and your husband and his family should understand that. Or is they want, they can go and visit her. In any case, leave you out of it. If all else fails, I would find a way for you and hubby to be gone before she gets there. If you have some friends then visit them for the weekend. If not then go to a hotel or a hostel if need be. And you won't come back til she's gone. Maybe if he explains it to his parents, the will understand that you are their daughter now and she's just an ex who is getting close to stalking him. Good Luck!!
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I was kidna hoping my husband would tell them. I just hope she would be in her right mind that if she would come and visit, they could just meet in a hotel and not actually come to our house. The nerve! What is she trying to prove? I just hope my family will not allow something like this to happen.
@artistry (4152)
• United States
14 Feb 10
...Hip3ks626, No, I do not agree, she is not crazy. She is up for a challenge. She feels that if she can get near your husband, she can entice him into doing something to break up your marriage. Not that she wants him, ahe wants to be destructive, because she thinks she still has a hold on your husband. She has no boundaries. People like this are dangerous. You cannot allow her in your house, that must be clear. Your husband must be with you on this, because she is counting on his weakness. This is a woman bent on destroying your marriage and you must recognize this. This is not for friendship, she has a plan. How far she will go, I don't know, but you should not let her in your house. Your husband is the key, he must be strong, because women know how to undermind men, and sometimes men are gullible. Before you know it, he will be feeling sorry for her and she will have him where she wants him. Talk to your husband in depth about this, you both must be on the same page and fight this together. Take care and good luck.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I think she really has a plan. Though she would deny it but it is quite obvious, dont you think? I am going to talk to him about this again. Thank you!
1 person likes this
@kaylachan (56238)
• Daytona Beach, Florida
15 Feb 10
Based on this discussion so far it makes me think that maybe you're the one that's a bit insecure. You asked what I would do, and I'm going to be blunt and honest with you. That's how I am, and if I feel something needs to be resolved... you get the idea. Now, you think she's insecure because she took it harshly that you wish that since you married her ex that she should stay away from his family? Cutting off contact, or asking someone to cut off contact is wrong. It makes you the one a bit insecure. Just because your husband married you, and not his ex-girlfriend, doesn't mean that she should ruine the relationships she had with other members of her family or rather his. People who don't chose to see each other romantically can still remain friends, and you should be willing to respect that. If she does come over, take it in stride. Don't do anything, after all a few hours of posible disconfort is nothing compared to the lifetime you have. If things with you and your husband are strong an ex visiting won't matter. Grow-up deal with it... and accept that its not a crime. My man has people in his life I don't particurally care for, but I don't tell them, or him they cannot see one another. I just stomach it and make polite conversation, because its selfish to cut him off from the people he knows.
1 person likes this
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
You know what, these things you told me would have been easier for me to do if she hadn't reacted violently. Asking her to cut off is not wrong, its just right because she's that kind of person who has some cunning plans. The family doesnt know, I am just trying to protect my family too by doing so. You dont know what she is capable of. I just cant allow anybody especially a nobody to deal with my family. I have been patient and that was it. I cant take it anymore so I have to do something. But she took it negatively and now I am the one insecure? I dont think so.
1 person likes this
@Rhazelle (356)
• Canada
15 Feb 10
I've had a friend who's had a similar problem to this. Although in his case he moved about 3 times without telling her and she's tracked him down every time. You need to get your husband to tell it to her face that he doesn't want her coming around anymore, and that he's married and happy.
1 person likes this
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I want that to happen too but my husband thinks it would better to stay so she would know he doesn't want anything that has to do with her.
@sunil189 (14)
• India
14 Feb 10
First of all you have to check with your husband ,what exactly he wants and then take a hard step. Cos its a insecurity she has as it is human tendency and if your husband is with you then all is fine leave the town for a week or some time and never compare yourself and her in front of your husband. Be a bit cautious all will be well.
1 person likes this
@newtalent (1112)
• United States
15 Feb 10
Apparently the family enjoys this conflict or something. I would not open the door when she shows up. It's an excuse when they say they are being nice. I would ask my husband if he wants to stay or leave when she plans to visit? This not normal behavior from anyone. This will sound harsh, but it is your husband that should do the talking since she is coming to see him and his family and not coming to visit you. He is the spotlight in this equation. If she fails to leave on his request and keeps persisting , document it, and get a restraining order, if she or he violates and they can be arrested and go to jail. Then you will know for sure of who is in your relationship besides you and your husband. Something keeps her coming back after a marriage has taken place. Things that make you Hmmmmm, what am I missing from this picture since I am so focused on getting rid of her. Why is he (or are they ) allowing her to come even to your house? It does not sound they do not want her coming. They all may say it to your face and side with you on your rampage but take a closer look actions do speak louder than words. Try this, forget its you ( its hard but try) and you are looking at this from an outsider. without saying anything (hard to) listen to their body language. How do they look at you? Do they respect you? Do they act differently with you then the rest of the family that has married into? Are you involved in family functions or decisions? Are the first or last person they run to with certain information or news? Basically start listening to their actions and words while trying to contain yourself. She already got to you so she is winning. Eventually your husband will tire of your concerns even if they are not true, which will cause conflict, then he will call her, maybe because she is causing this mess and just maybe get tangled in her web or plot to get him back.... Meanwhile making you look like the bad guy. A simple play on emotions. We're good at that playing the savior and listening for opportunity to move on someones territory without them knowing it. Women are caretakers and we look for clues without saying much verbally. Be assertive of yourself and show you can the bigger person and handle it diplomatically. I f you think you may need someone to talk to therapist are good in helping come your own conclusions and not a play on words. My fiance ex-wife of 10 years still tries to get him back every now and then but the law and now distance keeps her at bay because he handled it not me. His family will converse for the child's sake, that all. So I have experience in this unfortunately. When I try to suggest things to it pushed him away. I had to rethink this situation and let him handle it while holding my breath, lol. His family would not against his wishes either. Like I said he is the controlling factor. Good Luck.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
My family and my husband doesn't want her to do that but she still insists on coming because she think its okay. I think it is not an excuse too and I just hope that if ever she would come, they would take her somewhere not in our home. The family is very good to me. The girl is the only person who thinks she's still the best person there is. I have suffered with her insanity for more than a year now and I couldn't be patient anymore. And yeah! I have to ask my husband again to talk to his family before she comes here. I just cant understand where she gets the nerve to do such a thing. Thanks for the reply by the way. =)
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
17 Feb 10
Thank you for understanding my situation. Thank you for all the helpful comments. I wanted to mark you best response but I dont know how to do it. My apologies. Thank you once again and take care always.
@cream97 (29087)
• United States
18 Aug 10
Hi, p3ks626. If she comes to my home without me telling her to, I would call the police on her. She can't just barge into your home because she wants to. She is on your property and she has to go. Just call the police on her. It is very obvious that she is not going to take no for an answer. Let the police handle her. I am sure that they know exactly how to put her in her place!
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
19 Aug 10
Hi! Thanks for the response. I made this discussions few months ago and I wasnt expecting someone is still going to make a comment on this. Well, so far, she didnt dare to come and visit. I think she feels it, she is not welcome. But if she does come, then I will surely call the police and hope that she will stay in jail forever. lol
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I suggest you tell your husband about it and ask him what/how he thinks about it. Also,I don't think you have to be concern about it,even though its actually obvious that shes trying to do a very naughty (scenes/situations) thing.Just act normal and be a woman with dignity and confidence.Don't get affected by what she's doing,show and prove to her that she has to back off (of course,not literally,hehe). Anyways,I agree with you that she's an insecure lady.i pity her.she should move on. Damn,why cant women stay away with other peoples husband. ..Goodluck!
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
Yeah! I think so too. I want to show her that I am not going to go down to her level. She's suppose to understand but she's not smart enough to do that. She'd better not come here.
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
I can totally relate with you. Though in my case, my boyfriend and I aren't married yet, and his ex is still living in their house because they have a kid together. Sometimes you just want to tell them that they should learn their place. I get that the family is just being civil but doesn't really want to tell it to her face that what she's doing is not right. I am all for telling her that you are not really comfortable with her being all to friendly with the family and even coming over to your house... I personally don't say anything to my boyfriend's ex because I understand that she only lives there because of their son, and she really can't take care of their son by herself. I just wish sometimes that she'll be more sensitive to my feelings and how I feel with her living there and acting as if she is still part of my boyfriend's family.
• Philippines
16 Feb 10
I think she is just trying to prove that she is closer to the family than you are. hahaha. In my case though, I think my boyfriend's ex just really wants to feel that she is part of the family.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
15 Feb 10
sorry to her that. I think your situation is worse than mine. I just think that its not right. I already told her that we are not comfortable that she is around but she was really angry and now she's coming to vist because she wants to show me that the family likes her better. Which is totally sick. Whatever her plan is, I think I dont care anymore as long as she stays away from me and my family.
@lulu1220 (1006)
• United States
18 Aug 10
It is one thing for her to visit his family, but not your home! She has to undertand that it is over with her and tyour husband and coming over makes you both uncomfortable. She needs to respect your wishes and get on with her life.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
19 Aug 10
I think this girl doesnt know the meaning of the word respect. If you have seen some of my post, I was still talking about her there. She was the same person who made me look bad to her friends by posting bad things about me in her facebook link and she was also the same person who out me to shame to my in-laws. She's also the same person a guy cant be proud of. Anyway, she didnt dare to come and visit because she knows we dont want her there. But she still didnt respect cause if she did, then she wouldnt be saying those bad things about me.
@dksemke (65)
• United States
16 Feb 10
Are your parents aware that she is coming and have they told her she would be welcomed? This is where the problem is. Your parents need to make it clear that while they certainly wish her well, the relationship they had with her was because of the relationship she was having with you. It would be inappropriate for them to continue this relationship since she and their son are no longer together. If she just shows up at their door, make sure they are prepared to say this to her at the door and not to invite her in. They can say that it just isn't a good time for them to have visitors. They shouldn't worry too much about offending her in this way. She obviously has a little bit of "stalker" in her and frankly, I would be worried for your parents if she manages to get to them. It is a ploy and make sure your parents agree with you on this.
@p3ks626 (6538)
• Philippines
17 Feb 10
Thank you! And yeah I have to make them understand why I dont want her around. She's really stalking you see because she never contacted them as often as she is doing now. Now that I am married to her ex, she contacts them very often already. I think my parents will understand it if I would tell them. They are in favor of me, I just know. I just hope she would be decent to think that what she's doing is crazy and that she has to stop. I cant believe there are people like this.