I could be bitter...
By Jess
@JJ4Ever (4693)
United States
February 24, 2010 10:43pm CST
...but I chose not to be.
It all began when my boyfriend at the time and I had been dating for about three years. My mom came to me and told me the relationship wasn't working. She saw "signs" that things weren't going to work out in the end. I was caught completely by surprise because I didn't understand it at all. I'd already invested three years of my life in my boyfriend and knew him better than anyone else. I thought the relationship with my boyfriend and I had was enjoyable and unique. I savored any time I was able to spend with him.
We continued to date with my parents' disapproval, which caused me to move out because I didn't want to deal with it constantly. When I saw my parents, that was all I thought about because that's all they let me think about...how I was failing them and how disappointed they were with me and my choices. They failed to see what a great job I was doing at work and how I'd been in a successful career for over two years already. They didn't even care that I was a responsible and reliable individual living on my own and making a living for myself. They didn't care. All they wanted was for us to break up because they thought what they wanted was what would be best for me.
They treated both of us in a very negative way. At one point, they told my boyfriend they never wanted to see him again. They even went so far as to share their disapproval with my boyfriend's parents, who were supportive of us and told us to do the right thing no matter what. My parents gave us a lot of grief and many reasons to become bitter and shut them out.
My boyfriend and I decided to do as his parents had encouraged us - to do the right thing no matter what. I would become frustrated with my parents, but I would bite my tongue. At one point, my dad yelled and cussed me out on the phone. I only hung up on him and didn't want to stay on the phone to react in a way I would later regret. Overall, we chose to be open if or when my parents would come around.
We got engaged in February 2008 and got married July 2009. Our wedding was one of the best days of my life. I have never and will never regret my decision to marry my best friend. Although I learned a lot of things from this entire situation, the biggest advantage was that I grew a backbone in that I could make my own decisions. I used to be someone who hated confrontation and avoided conflict at all costs. I'm thankful for the situation because it gave me the things I was lacking in life. I also learned to do the right thing no matter what and to go with my gut feeling rather than what everyone else tells me to do. Don't get me wrong, I had some excellent resources in people I could go to. It was just a crazy situation, but I learned to stand up for myself and what I believe in rather than letting people walk all over me.
In the end, it all paid off because we had the most beautiful wedding, the wedding of my dreams with the man of my dreams. I'm so glad I didn't listen to my parents and those in my family who tried to discourage me. I'm glad, for once, that I did something for ME!
I can't thank my many MyLot friends enough for their support throughout this situation. I had several discussions regarding this situation in the past, and all I received was complete support.
My husband and I now live in a small, but beautiful house that we bought in June 2009, a month before we got married. We now live happily ever after!
The point to this discussion is that my husband and I could be bitter with my parents, but we chose not to be. When they came to us and wanted to have a relationship with us again (within three months after we got married!), we accepted them with open arms. We have them over to our house when we can and get together with them at least once or twice a week. (We live only a mile and a half from my parents now.)
What do you think of the situation? If it were you, how would you have handled things? Do you think my husband and I handled the situation the right way? To all those who participate in this discussion, thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond!
2 people like this
11 responses
@yresh12 (3212)
• Philippines
25 Feb 10
That was a very hard thing for you.
I believe what you did is just right.I think that just moving on and doing things without grudges makes you a lot more productive.Rather than working each day with a lot burdens in your heart, it would be very hard for thing for you and you always end up having a bad day. I really admire you maturity in handling your problem and I wish I could do the same in the future. The best of luck to the two of you and may have many more years to come until forever.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Thank you SO much. You are too kind. I know many days as I faced this situation, it's like it would tempt me. I would think about it and start to dwell on it. Then I could feel the heat rising into my head because I was starting to get angry over it. I would always have to make a conscious decision NOT to focus on it or think about it at all. Another tool I used was to think of my parents...I would try to put myself in their shoes. I would try to see life and especially my situation through their eyes. It made me feel better. If I were a parent trying to protect my daughter, I'm sure I'd be very upset to see something I thought wasn't right going on. I know my parents were always try to act out of love and concern for me. It wasn't always portrayed in a loving way, but I just had to keep thinking about what would be best for everyone. To this day, my parents still tell me they don't think my husband was "the one" for me so I have to agree to disagree on that since I'm the only one who can truly know the answer to that question! Thanks for your kind and heartfelt thoughts. I really appreciate it!
@hellcowboy (7374)
• United States
27 Mar 10
It is really sad that you had to go through with all of that and put up with it from your own parents,you think they would trust you to make your own decisions,and I am glad you stood up for yourself and your husband,and I think I would have done the same thing if I had been in your shoes,but luckily my parents like my wife,and we have never had any problems,and I am glad you chose to no be biter and to let them in with open arms,because being biter gets you nowhere and makes you miss out on the important things in life.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
19 Aug 11
"You think they would trust you to make your own decisions..." Yes, that's certainly what I thought. I thought they would trust their ability to raise a wise daughter enough to allow me to make my own decisions, but apparently not so! I'm glad I did what I did, though because I'm truly happy and so is my hubby, and that is what's most important! We just celebrated two years of marriage last month, and my parents came around in about two month after we were married. Everything is perfectly back to normal, so I'm very thankful for that as well as your wonderful advice, which I surely needed at the time when I was really struggling with all the decisions I had to make. I'm glad I had so many great friends here and wonderful people in my life to help get me through it all!
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
19 Aug 11
Hi Deena, you'll be happy to know that I've done just that. My husband and I celebrated two years of marriage just last month, and my parents came around only a couple months after we got married. Because I didn't get bitter, hold grudges, or look back at all the bad times, I was able to forgive my parents and have the relationship back that we'd all be longing to have. I'm really glad everything worked out, but even if it hadn't I would've made the same choice! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your excellent advice, friend!
@clocks123 (1225)
• United States
25 Feb 10
i'm glad you have chosen not to be bitter. parents are here for a short time. we have one father and one mother. our parents love us, and sometimes they may see things that we don't see. it dosen't mean they are always correct, however. the things they may have seen were not how you and your husband saw these things. i'm so happy you are not at odds with your dear parents. congratulations for this learning experience and love your husband with all your heart and soul. cherish him and i pray he cherishs you always. my very best to you, your husband, and your parents.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
26 Feb 10
Thanks, Clocks. That is always something to take to heart, that my parents won't always be around forever. I didn't want to have any regrets, especially after they are gone. I'm just happy everything worked out in the end and thank you so much for your encouragement!
@smokeywins (120)
• United States
25 Feb 10
I must say it sounds errily a lot like what I went through with my parents going on now 8 years ago. I had just graduated college and started my first real job. I was dating someone else at the time, who my parents weren't particuarly fond of, but he was only a year older than I was. At the time I thought he was the one until I met my now husband. He was older than I was and really never thought much of dating someone older than me. We worked together on the night shift and spent a lot of time talking and found out we had a lot in common and got along really well. I was still dating someone else and never thought of getting romantically involved until the one night I was leaving work and he kissed me. I felt a spark I had never felt with anyone before which threw me for quite a loop. Needless to say I did a lot of soul searching and decided I wanted to give it a try to see if anything was there. My problems started when I tried to be truthful with my parents and told them about him. He had been married before which didn't bother me, and my parents forbade me to see him due to his age, etc. The age issue didn't bother me at all. He didn't and still doesn't look his age, and I have always acted and felt older than I really am. So this forbading caused me to sneak around to see him. Other ultimatums were given to the point that I finally moved out of the house in order to see where things would go. I got my own apartment and my parents actually disowned me and wouldn't talk to me for an entire year. Eventually they started to come around and finally realized he was not the bad person they thought he was. We are now happily married with a dog and 3 cats and I would make the same decisions now as I did then. Our parents only want what is best for us but there comes a point that you have to stand up for what is right, no matter how hard it may be.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Thank you so much for sharing your story! How exciting that everything worked out for you as well. I'm so sorry to learn that your parents actually did disown you! That is really sad and a decision I'm sure they regretted. I thought there was a chance my parents might do the same to me so that's when I decided I had better move out and live on my own. It was a good experience for me to learn what it was like to support myself and make my own decisions. It got lonely sometimes because my boyfriend at the time wasn't always able to come visit me. I had five siblings, four of which who still lived at home with my parents so that was the hardest thing - not seeing my family for a while. It was necessary, though! The worst thing my parents did was (after I'd stopped living there and living with friends until my apartment was available to move in) they changed the locks on the doors to their house. It scared me because I hadn't gotten any belongings from the house. All I had were the clothes on my back along with certain items I had to buy because I needed more, sometimes couldn't do laundry, etc. I thought it was really sad that it had to come to that. It was tempting not to call the police on them (or a locksmith - LOL) because that was my primary residence showing on my driver's license so they could've been in some big trouble for what they did. I decided not to. My boyfriend and I were forced to meet with them face to face before I could get inside and get my belongings. They always put restraints and conditions on my to control me and get me to do what they wanted. They gave me no way out. As for nowadays, I'm just glad I no longer live under their roof and that I live a happy life being on my own with my hubby. My family comes over every once in a while, and we see them all the time so I know everything is worked out now. So...I try not to focus too much on the past because I relive the past all over again! I know the here and now is much better. Thanks again for sharing your situation because I was very inspired!
@Bhemzky (423)
• Philippines
27 Feb 10
I would like to congratulate you first for doing a good job. One thing very important about this topic is GOOD COMMUNICATION. People should open up if they have any problem about something. They should sit down and try to talk about it. Make sure that things should be explained well.
Saying ones feelings, emotions, needs and wants will enable you to learn and understand one another and soon will come up with an idea/solution or ways to resolve any problem.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
1 Mar 10
I completely agree with you. Without communication, people get upset with one another and don't even know why! I have seen so many things go the wrong way all because of the simple fact of little or no communication. I guess the sad part in my situation was that I would try to communicate with my parents, but they wouldn't listen. It's hard when one side tries to communicate, and the other side rejects it, which cause the process not to be possible. However, in most cases, communication is key! Thanks, friend.
@GardenGerty (157486)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Reading your discussion I can see how much you have grown up in this situation. If you handle all of the conflicts in your life with this much grace and understanding you will have a much better life. You gave yourself a gift or two by choosing not to be bitter. You retained a relationship with your parents, that is gift one, and you set a behavior pattern that works for the future, gave yourself a tool for having good relationships. Nice work.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
25 Feb 10
Thanks, Gerty. You have no idea how much your response touches my heart. Going through the situation, I had so many temptations to fly off the handle, but it would ruin the testimony I had before my parents, and in the long run, it probably would've ruined the gifts you mentioned. I'm so glad that my hubby and I made the decisions we did. I don't regret any of it so that's the important thing. I'm eternally grateful for the outcome, but even if this chapter in my life didn't have a happy ending, I still believe I had made the right decision regardless. I'm glad I had my boyfriend/fiance/husband and his parents to lean on through this entire process! Now I have my parents and whole family back! You truly never know what you had until you lose it...and, in my case, until you get it back again! Thanks again. You are so sweet.
@goodoldday (236)
• China
25 Feb 10
I have to admire your courage. As to emotion, the more you paid, the more you get. We reap what we sow. As the old saying goes, "All should be well, and Jack should have Jill". In real world, not every love has a good result. But you win it at last. How lucky you are! Thank you for set such a good example for us.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
25 Feb 10
I have to tell you that I've never heard the Jack and Jill quote before so thanks for sharing! That is neat. I wish I could always have this mindset with other things in my life. This particular situation was one in my life where I did the right thing. I can't say that of all my experiences. Thanks to your wonderful response, I'm encouraged to use this same approach in other areas of my life - what a great idea! Thanks for your inspiration!
@Hidaisy (181)
• United States
25 Feb 10
....What a touching story!If I were you I would definitely to do the same things with you that to get marry with your boyfriend.The beloved boyfriend who have been in love with me for three years can't be take away from my life.In term of you parents,I think you did right.Open your arms and to be together,they are your parents after all and no matter what things you did you still be the beloved duaghter in their mind.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
19 Aug 11
I'm glad I took all the lovely advice of my wonderful myLot friends because my husband and I (my boyfriend who I referred to earlier in this discussion) just celebrated our two-year wedding anniversary last month! I can't believe it's been that long. Time has really flown since I married the love of my life, but I'm so glad I followed through and didn't go back on this decision. I went with my heart and never regretted it!
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
25 Feb 10
I can definitely tell you that I did the same! That's the best thing to do when you are stumped! I'm glad I didn't have to make the decision alone. I also didn't lose any sleep over this situation because I had such a peace that I was doing the right thing. I know my sleep would've been interrupted if I were lacking in any area. Thank you for your honest response!
@Beautyfactor (1512)
•
25 Feb 10
What a wonderful story, and I am so glad you have turned this around in your favour. You have been the one who has shown the maturity and great strength of character in all of this and you have probably suprised your parents by this. I know may people who would not have been so easy to forgive their parents and that is where I have to take my hat off to you. You have understood how this has moulded you into a stronger, better person and i wish you and your husband all the happiness in the world.
1 person likes this
@JJ4Ever (4693)
• United States
19 Aug 11
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. You have no idea how much my wonderful myLot friends have helped me through this interesting (to say the least!) time in my life where I had to make some tough choices. I'm just glad my head was screwed on straight at the time because I didn't want to say or do anything I would've regretted, and I'm so grateful everything is ok now. Thanks again for your kind response. You are the best!
