My friend has changed.. or is it ME who can't accept her at her worst? HELP!

Philippines
March 2, 2010 5:09am CST
Hello everyone. Need your opinions regarding this. I have this girlfriend, we used to be close friends when we both knew each other in the school publication. We haven't met for a year now but we communicate through Facebook and text messages from time to time to get updated with each other's lives. Since she was so busy with her work and I became busy with my studies (since she's a year older than me so she graduated first) we failed to update each other for a long time. The last time I knew about her was through Facebook when she sent us a group private message announcing that she is no longer a virgin with her then 3 months boyfriend. Well I didn't really expect her to be like that because I don't really see her giving up her virginity with a guy he barely knew. :( When she told us that I was really turned off at how proud she was about it and even shared details how she and her bf did it. I'm not being a narrow-minded person here, but I was brought up conservatively (if that's the right word) so I'm not really used being associated with the kind of attitude. So kindly tell me.. Am I wrong here, or is it her who changed?! She continues to be associated with other boys than her boyfriend and I REALLY don't wanna be associated with those kind of friends. Kindly help me!!!! :,(
5 people like this
19 responses
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Hmmmm. Well, maybe she has a reason why she is sharing things with you. though if I were in your position, I would definitely feel weird about her, specially if she's sharing incredibly private things about how they did it and when. Hahahaha. Maybe you could tell her that she shouldn't be sharing those things, or maybe you could just tell her that you don't really want to know about those things about her life.
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Even her actions are becoming weirder.. well we used to laugh at green jokes but I didn't know she'd put those jokes into practice :(( Really weird. I now doubt on becoming friends with her again. :( I'm a bad friend.. I know.. :( Anyway thanks for your advice.. dun actually know how to start.
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
No, you're not a bad friend. I can understand how you feel. I also have friends whose lives seem to have taken the wrong direction. I feel sorry for them. You are just avoiding bad company. Bad company can ruin the character, so you better surround yourself with good people.
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
mj is correct.. you need to surround yourself with good people.
1 person likes this
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
2 Mar 10
Sweetie, that is the ned of the line. I cannot see you mingling with that kind. Just let herr go. You don't need this in your life. You have much better things to do, don't you? TATA.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Hi saphrina, you know what? You're really impressing me with your short but straightforward and meaningful responses. :) Thanks a lot for them and yeah maybe people just come to us for a reason probably to teach us lessons.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
2 Mar 10
Thanx sweetie, but just remember, you are the one who has to be happy. TATA.
1 person likes this
@eLsMarie (4148)
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
i think she was so damn proud about it because she trust you guys so much. you should be thankful that she's very honest to you. if you feel discouraged about what she did then tell her. don't be unfair to her. she's very open to you so in return you should also be because you're the best of friends.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Thanks elsmarie.. Well I guess nobody's really perfect. :( And you can't find the perfect friend.
@eLsMarie (4148)
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
since you're aware that there's never really any perfect friend then i guess you have to be open of the fact that anything can happen with just a blink of an eye. just imagine if your friend would require you to become the perfect friend for her, do you think you will like doing all the things that she wants you to do for the sake of you being perfect?
1 person likes this
@rosegardens (3044)
• United States
2 Mar 10
First, you must ask yourself some questions. HOw important is this friendship to you? Are your friends actions so disturbing that you can no longer be a part of her life? Will she perhaps influence you either good or bad? How do you feel after communicating with her? Think long about these questions and others that may come to mind. Then act appropriately to your instincts.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
Thanks rosegardens. I think my instinct says not to continue the friendship. But I feel quite guilty that she's showing friendly affection "sometimes". Guess if the reason's just guilt and not sincerity towards connecting to her again, that wouldn't help anyway. Thanks for that and God bless you
@ElicBxn (60081)
• United States
2 Mar 10
You have already let time slip by, just stop responding to her and don't return texts - or text back you are busy and then don't get back to her I don't know if she's so much changed as she is growing separate from you and if you don't like the changes she's choosing, you don't have to continue with her friendship - I'm sure she has other friends after all... I'm sure you do to, you don't have to cling to it just because you were once friends, people change and grow up - (not that she's grown because she's not a virgin any more) but because you are both still growing and changing - that's just part of growing up!
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Thanks ElicBxn. Just the best advice I've heard regarding this matter I've been thinking for months. Another thing is that I feel guilty with her sweet messages though I quite find them insincere oh well you're right. Guess I should just move on. :)
1 person likes this
• China
2 Mar 10
hello, i think your are great which means you really love your friends, you can tell her that she is wrong, though nothing change after your warning, you did your duty, i considered that she is very important to you, if you really don't want to be friedns with her you won't care about what she was doing. everyone will chamge, maybe she is wrong, but you try you best to alarm her, which is enough. what you should do is to wish your friend can meets her true love. we can not change a lot of things, so we can persuade us to accept it, and to tell your friend what your feeling. i think she must understand you.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Hi jenny :) I hope it would be that easy, but I'm not really the type who'd lecture a friend for I trust so much that she/he already knows what he/she is doing. :)) My point is that I just feel uncomfortable now that she's showing probably her worst side, and it can be probably true that "If you can't accept a person's worst then you don't deserve his best". That is right, isn't it.. but at the same time, i feel so guilty about not saving 'd friendship.. hayyyyy i hope God helps me through this. thanks for responding jenny :) Appreciated.
@derek_a (10903)
2 Mar 10
As life goes on for each of us, one thing is certain, people change. I have found this throughout my life and I live by a statement once written by the Gestallt therapist, Fritz Perls - "I am not in this life to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this life to live up to mind. If we both shall meet, it can be beautiful, if not, then it cannot be helped." That has always had a good meaning for me as a therapist myself and a Zen practitioner. I always try not to judge, although some people make it very diffictult! . When I am judging, I can recognize now that I am really judging what is in my mind, what is part of me. So best, if possible not to do it. _Derek
1 person likes this
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Hello derek. :) Just wanna clear it out-- I only judge her through the changes in her actions, despite that she's still important to me that's why I still consider the friendship. I love your quote that says: "If we both shall meet, it can be beautiful. If not then it cannot be helped". Really beautiful. I agree people come and go for a reason. Thanks for that and God bless
@sunkernjs (219)
• Philippines
10 Mar 10
A very familiar topic. I think I am on your path too . Well, As I can see you are still both in a relationship with each other prior to separation right? Then how come she had her Boyfriend without even asking you a break-up? She is definitely a bad girl. If she is your Best-friend then how come she can do that to you? You are communicating even you;re far from each other so there are no reasons for something like that. At the back of my mind, maybe there is this happening that changed your girl. Maybe in a party, bar, she was drunk and failed to control her lust, she gave in to a friend or a guy close to her. If that is the case, you should talk to her in person or in phone to clear things up. If you still want her then get her despite of what had happened. Forgive her and live a life of happiness.
1 person likes this
@Ritchelle (3797)
• Philippines
9 Mar 10
people do change and there are two things a friend can do: accept them or leave them. sounds bad but friendship is something that has to be respected and sometimes we have to think of the people who treasure us when we conduct ourselves. i think she doesn't consider you as a friend. if you think she still does then talk to her about how what she did affected you. a true friend would understand.
@pandaeyes (2068)
3 Mar 10
If she has to broadcast this endeavor it is likely that she wants to be told that she is the good girl that her boyfriend obviously has let her believe she now is. Sorry that is a bit sarcastic. She needs to live for herself though and not for the recognition she wants for her actions. We are our own hardest to please critics. However, if she finds that her actions lead to her losing her valued friends, she may come to realise that she made a mistake in her life. I had a friend also on face book whom I had not seem since school(30 years ago). I was pleased that she and I were writing to each other until I realised that she was quite a bossy madam still and quite rude in the way she made statements or answered comments. It was as though she had herself, at the center of her life and everyone around must rush in to comply with her wishes. I had forgotten about that aspect of her personality completely as the years had diluted my memory of her but I told my son about what she was like and how she was on face book and how I would feel uncomfortable to continue to know her and he said,well remove her from you friends list then. So that is what i did.
1 person likes this
@iharidh (309)
• Indonesia
3 Mar 10
Well the simplest is we can be friend with whoever we want. But maybe that statement is easier said than done. Especially when the our behavior is opposite for each other. But I think it really depends on anyone who lives on it. If i have a friend of that kind, the last thing I can do is giving him/her a bit of advise of my perspective. If she/he doesn't want to hear me, well that's fine with me. And I don't think that will end our friendship, as long as she/he respects me, I will do respect him/her respectively. According to me, it is best that you tell your friend what your view is. Communication is the best way to solve the dispute.
1 person likes this
@Lata_45 (219)
• India
3 Mar 10
Life goes one, people come and go. I appreciate your attitute and concern about your friend. But you are right in your part. May be her perspective towards life changed, as life is all about having fun and people quote and consider this saying in there own perspective. At this point of time you and your friends perspective have changed or we can say its different. So u believe in your words they are right and her perspective she knows. So you can be still friends very good friends just br firm about your perspective towards life.
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
You can mildly correct her without judging. We all know that what she did was morally wrong, so to at least stop her from doing that, tell her. There's nothing wrong with that, in fact you are helping the two of you. And do not feel bad if you feel that way. It just shows that you have a good sense of what's right and wrong. And also, it won't kill you to cut off the friendship, if not completely, well at least partially, because you just wanna have good friends. I am not saying that you should change her--you just have to talk to her about it.
1 person likes this
@neildc (17259)
• Lapu-Lapu City, Philippines
3 Mar 10
people have different beliefs in life. we have different surroundings that practically influence us to be like this and like that. people changes as we grow older and mature. i mean, we can't judge you and so as her. we have different lives now. it only depends on how we carry our lives. i can't get it, why you have to be so concern with her. you see each other personally? and frequently? if no, then let her do her way, let her live her life. you have your own, so carry on with yours. well, i can see that you are friends. but time changes. and so as people.
1 person likes this
@kun2349 (23475)
• Singapore
3 Mar 10
Well well, ple do change.. And maybe both of u hasn't really changed much.. BUt it's the environment both of u are in, changes everything.. She's exposed to more things now, and she has found joy or fun in it, thus resulting her in opening up more, unlike the past ^_^ I believe u iwll be the same too, when u started working outside soon, and how much the environment changes u, nobody can actaully determine it ^_^ Just accept her for who she is, because this is another stage of her life now ^_^
1 person likes this
@Dumpertaker (1189)
2 Mar 10
As said previously, people change..it is one of those constant things in life. The problem is with people associating with the wrong people is they are the ones who have to learn their lesson and frustratingly there is nothing that you can say that will change the situation. But, being a friend, I'm guessing that you will be there to support them when they need it.
1 person likes this
@dawnald (84155)
• Shingle Springs, California
2 Mar 10
Well it just depends on how you feel about maintaining the friendship. If you still want to, I would drop her a note and say that you appreciate her friendship, but you aren't interesting in hearing those kinds of details. And if you're not interested in maintaining the friendship, I would either let her know that, or quietly drop her.
1 person likes this
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
2 Mar 10
Hello cecille, If you consider her as your friend and you were concerned about her personality and well being,then,the best way you can do is to talk with her. Tell her at least what's on your mind and what are the bad effect on her personality. Don't leave her without even hearing her side,or don't judge her according to your perception. Granting that she is now doing things that you thought is immorality,it's true she's not acting the right way anymore the way you wrote. I guess she needs guidance and help...do whatever you can to make her changed her ways. Let her understand how she is ruining her life and what people were thinking about her. Do your part being a friend,and if,after all your concerns she will not hear you,then,that's the last thing you can do. Whatever happens to her life,at least you knew from yourself you had done your part as her friend. Do not leave her without taking any action...this is just my opinion.
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@sushie93 (1359)
• France
2 Mar 10
No matter how long we are with our boyfriend, if we are ready, we can do it, so don't take too munch importance for these 3 months. ^^ And for her story about explaining all details about the action, i find that a little vain from her, maybe she changed i don't know or she had waited so long time to lost her virginity that she want to tell at everybody that she isn't a virgin anymore. xD Associated with boys? Do you mean she is friends with others boys or she's flirting with others boys? If it's just friendship, it's good i find, male friends are more cool than girl friends. xD
1 person likes this