my brother hated my father... how will i reconcile them?

@rosey19 (952)
Philippines
March 2, 2010 7:03pm CST
when we are still kids, we really looked up our father us the powerful person in the family. all of his words must be follow. i can say that he is a disciplinary father. though he was like that i understand his purpose of doing it. but eventually my younger brother did not understand how we are brought up by our father. he disobeyed some of the house rules which resulted to disagreement and even biting with belt. all of those punishment was not forgotten by my brother that resulted to hatred to my father until now. whatever words i said, he never listens to me and he cannot forgive my father. what will i do? what advices you can share to me in order to end up the hatred between my brother and father.
1 person likes this
8 responses
• United States
3 Mar 10
Tell your brother to ignore all the thoughts of hatred and look at the bright things. If you think of the negative it will only happen again and again
2 people like this
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
9 Mar 10
that is what happening to him right now, he blamed all the miserable events of his life to my father. i already give him my advice but his harden by hatred.
@se7enthbird (8328)
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
i hate my father too, though with different reasons with your younger brother. i am the first born and my father was not there when we needed him. he was not there on important dates and achievements at school. he even told us not to continue college but instead join his band so we can go abroad and the money that we earned there was not given to me and my brother but instead they kept it with our singer and turned out, that singer is my fathers girl and now they are living together. he left my mother for that reason. its a long and complicated story. my other siblings are telling me that my father is a good man but i can not see it. i am not saying that you can not reconcile them.... but you have to tell your brother that you are lucky having a father who is like than. than having a father like ours. who even used us his son to have money and use it now with our family but he used it to start a new family. i would rather have the punishment and the belt for it is his way of telling you that this is the right way than like ours and we are treated like trash. mabe your brother will not realize it yet, maybe if he is a father already then he will realize that. i am a father of a four years old child and i will never treat my son the way my father treat me.
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@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
i just pray for him that he would realize the importance of having a father even though there are some misunderstandings between them. and the only solution for that if he will stay with his children, maybe that will give him the idea of how to be a father. but the problem is he is working out of the country and sometimes forgets to remember his children.
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
thats the difference with your brother and me. i dont want to be a bad father for my son. i dont like to put my son down and i dont like my son to hate me. i dont want that my son to feel what i felt when i was still a kid. i hope your brother realize that he needs to put effort to showing and telling his kids that he loves them. providing money is not enough.
@Ginoyes1 (41)
• United States
3 Mar 10
You don't say how old your brother is now but you can't make your brother forgive your dad. Whatever happened is not going to be fixed easily or by something you do. You should leave your brother alone, if he wants your dad out of his life then that is his choice and you have to stay out of it. Not everyone has the same reactions to their parents or to how they were disciplined and obviously your dad was tough on your brother. When your brother wants a relationship with your dad - IF he EVER does - then he will talk to your dad. But your dad - unless he wants to apologize and talk to your brother - just needs to stay away and leave him alone. Respect your brother's choice and do not bug him about this.
1 person likes this
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
i did not attempt to intervene their situation but he will never realize how it is to be a father unless that he will be the one to take care of his children, i think that's the most important lesson that he must learn on how to take care and discipline children, because ever since his children was born the one who took care is my mother, so how can he experienced to be a parent. he is already on his 30's and he was separated from his wife.
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
I know it would be hard to give him reason or explanation when his heart is full of hatred. Just tell him that he understand all your father's disciplinary action once he will become a father himself. You can also tell your brother that,no parents wants their kids to become a bad one,or will become bad. Parents were always looking forward for the good and brighter future of their children. I hope your brother won't wait for an incident where he will suffer anything before he realizes why your father's trying to discipline you from young age. Sometimes,regrets always comes at last...and,it is too late to say sorry then,and regrets were not enough to bring back what could have not done or should not happen.
1 person likes this
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
11 Mar 10
i think he will never understands being a father because he was away from his children, so he can never experienced how it is to discipline a child. maybe that's the reason that he cannot forgive my father. i hope it's not late for him to forgive.
@laydee (12815)
• Philippines
3 Mar 10
You cannot do anything. We were in the same situation a few years back between my father and his brother, they fought over business and for a number of years they never spoke to each other (that was literally 15years), regardless the efforts of family members they never really talked. Until finally, just a few years back, they came to their senses and talked as if nothing happened. Nobody did anything anymore and it was a wonder why they started talking again. I guess indeed time heals a broken relationship. So, there's nothing you could do about it. Just let them be. They're old enough to heal themselves. Just pray that they do reconcile before it's too late.
@rosey19 (952)
• Philippines
9 Mar 10
I just hope that everything will be alright before it is too late for him to forgive my father. thanks for sharing your ideas, have a nice day.
• India
3 Mar 10
Hello Rosey, I completely agree with one of my friends here. There is a time for everything. You really can't do anything about it. Sometimes wise participation may accelerate events. But what is inevitable, will finally happen. You should pray to God and ask him to put some sense in your brother. You can't do anything standing on the opposite side of the table. In order to change a thing, we have to be within it. You have to first let your brother feel that you are not at all advocating on behalf of your father. Rather, you are actually on your brother's side. Its not an easy task. The second logical step may be to let him understand that as human beings we all must have flaws. You have flaws, I have flaws, we all have flaws. We are, after all human beings, the most unstable, fragile and imperfect beings and yet at the top of everything. For once in your life don't use your heart. Use your brain instead. If you really get sentimentally and emotionally involved with the whole situation there is nothing you will ever do to uncomplicate it. Two machines can't control each other at the same time. One has to be master, another the slave. If the situation is emotionally abusing you, that means you are already affected by it and have become a slave of it. So there is nothing you can do except doing as the situation governs. You better be the master. Stay detached for some moments and take a look at the situation from an indifferent standpoint. Take your time. Have faith in God. With a 100% surrender to God, you will always get positive results. Nothing can go wrong when God himself is chosen to be the guide. Everythings gonna be all right in time. Have patience. God bless you
@newtalent (1114)
• United States
3 Mar 10
Unfortunately you cannot do this for them. They have to want to do have relationship at any level with each other. If both parties do not want at this time then they will both have to wait. It is a two way street. First they have to know why they want to reconcile and be in each others life. Are there any apologies, any admittance of wrong doing, or are you the one that wants it? If the father want s this then he has to make to make the attempt. Its easier said then done. Does your brother have fears that this man may still be able to control in some way? IS the reconciliation worth the cost of feelings being drummed back up? No one really will know any of the answers but it is a hard decision that should not be made lightly. I know what you want but you have to look at the big picture and wonder if it is worth pushing them into when one party may not be ready. You may have to accept that this relationship may not mend at all. Would you want your child being part of a persons life that physically disciplined/abused with objects? I do not believe that you have to physical harm a child to get your point across. Its just my thought and maybe seek a family counselor to explore other options. Good luck this is never easy.
@Alivia (47)
• India
3 Mar 10
Always punishment cannot teach a child.U must talk to your father first about this matter not to be so hard , soften his nature and take a special care for your brother.Your father must talk to your brother very politely and should clarify him properly otherwise day by day your brother will go to a wrong path.