I Am Not Asking Anything From You but.... I want to know where I stand....

Philippines
March 28, 2010 3:54am CST
I have been suffering from my husband's lies and alibis for years now.Not just these but also his painful words whenever he talk about me to his female"friends".Phrases like "She's always negative", What is a wife, anyway?", "I wasn't born a husband...". and telling his other female friend that he doesn't chat whenever he is home because it is a sensitive thing.Making it appear that I am stopping him from doing so... With all those humiliating words, I often wonder what have I done wrong to him to deserve such treatment from him...I asked him once and he said I have done nothing wrong... I didn't ask for anything from him. I don't even expect his faithfulness because I know it is like asking for the sun and moon from him.I only wanted his honesty.Just the truth about what he feels and what he thinks. I swear to God, I can handle the truth better than all the pains he is giving me. I want to know where I stand so I can move on with my life in the proper direction. The more he keeps denying while continuing this kind of treatment to me, the more he is making me sad...
18 responses
@yresh12 (3222)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
That's really sad that your husband is treating you that way. He is very unfair and not treating you kindly. I think if it doesn't work you should let him go.. He doesn't even respect you,...
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
He doesn't even respect me... That is the painful truth, Yresh... He keeps on telling me that he loves me but he is doing a different thing and exactly the opposite of love. I a m beginning to think that he is only trying to keep me because of our daughters... Emotionally, I am letting him go bit by bit. But since we are still together and living under the same roof, then, I still deserve his respect and honesty. Besides, everybody thinks that we are doing ok as couples. We need to put an act, then,but I'm not sure until when... Thank you for your thoughtful response, Yresh. God bless.:-)
@yresh12 (3222)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
NO problem! I just feel your pain.. Don't worry.. You got lots of friends here who's willing to listen and make you happy.. It's hard to break up when you have kids.. you not only think of yourself but there welfare as well.. Just be lil patient..You'll get through with this! ^^
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Thank you for the encouragement and for simply being there for me... I do hope so and I hope it'll be quick before I lost my sanity.LOL My fault, I shouldn't have let him made me believe a lie... I was so naive to think that he'd change. Now that we have kids, it is difficult to move on as easily as when you only need to worry about your own pain and not be responsible for your kids'...
@unuzzz (1274)
• Indonesia
28 Mar 10
oh my eurekafemme .. i'm sorry for your pain, if you're ready for this, you better leave him.. i've just reply on your other discussion.. leave him, he doesn't deserve you.. infact you're the greatest gift he'd ever receive.. life can offer you million of chances for love and happiness.. don't be afraid for being a single parent, you'll have your families and friends support you.. all the best, my pray with you.. :)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Thank you, Unuzz, for lifting my spirit. At least, there is someone who thinks I am still a gift and doesn't see me as someone worthless and unworthy of respect...I owe you one for that.:-) I am not afraid being a single parent. I had been one before. And I did ok.:-) Only this time, I don't want my kids to suffer the same pain again. It has been a traumatic experience and that if I can help it, I will not put my kids into that same painful experience again... Thank you for accommodating my pain and thoughts, Unuzz. It is truly a great help that someone still listens... God bless you.:-)
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
Geez, that's how bad it can be. A man is capable of making a woman feel worthless and unspecial.
@unuzzz (1274)
• Indonesia
29 Mar 10
hi again.. glad if i can help you, although i can only support you from mylot.. :) your kids are very lucky to have a loving caring mother like you, life is good, so be optimist eurekafemme.. :D i'm sure you'll have a good and happy life after this, God bless..! hi mjcookie..well anyone can make everything miserable, not just men, but women can too.. :)
@grkelly (1218)
• Malta
28 Mar 10
I am very sorry for you. You must be living like in a nightmare. Honesty and trust are crucial in any marraige. In my opinion you should confront him and make him tell you the whole truth. I would most probably leave the house until he makes up his mind to treat me well and be totally faithful to me. After all that is what you deserve and are entitled for as his wife. You cannot keep living a lie. You will just keep being miserable.
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
You have stated the truth about my situation, Grkelly... There were times that I wanted to leave him but I couldn't because I can't bear to leave my kids as well. It will be a difficult scene for them if I'll do that. I had tried and saw my daughter's reaction, how she cried and how she panicked...No more of that for her... I will try to reconsider your advise, though. Maybe, I should go back to the province with my kids... to give us both peace... Thank you, dear for the sympathy.. God bless.:-)
@grkelly (1218)
• Malta
28 Mar 10
I honestly wish you the very best, that you manage to reach a situation which is beneficial for you and your children. Women tend to suffer more than men when children are involved. But you do not have to give up the kids, you should take them with you. after all you probably give them the most care and grow them up not him.
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
I have done everything a mother should for the welfare of my daughters. I can endure and suffer anything and everything for their sakes... I'm not giving up my daughters. I know in my heart that I can give them the best care and love than he can. Only, financially, my kids will suffer a bit because right now, he is the one who is solely providing for all of us... I need to pick up the pieces of my shattered life first before I can fully take care of my kids' material needs...
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
He even blurted out that I should wait until my daughter gets older. For me, it is a a clear indication that he is ready to let go of me but not now because my daughters need me... Sigh... Uhmm. I have emptied a bottle of carbonated water this hour and I'm in the mood now to give my contribution as effect. The following is my interpretation of whats going on in his mind: Mahal na mahal ko siya. Kaya lang mahina na ako pagdating sa lambingan. Hilong hilo na ako dahil wala akong magawa at patuloy parin siya sa paghingi ng pangunawa kahit na naiintindihan ko naman siya. Sunog na mga sirkito ko at di na gumagana ang aking utak. Hindi na ako makapagsalita ng maigi at saka lang lumalabas ang sinasabi ko kung sumigaw ako. Paano na to? Para siyang langgam na kagat lang ng kagat kahit hindi ko naman inaano. Kung pwet ng aso matignan niya sasabihin na niya na iniinsulto siya nung aso. Kung masabi ko ngayon sa kanya ang lahat tiyak di niya yun makakalimutan. Lagi niyang maiisip ang mga sinabi ko. Ang mukha niya parang tulala at bata pa ang mga anak namin. Magaalala ang mga bata kung makita nila ang nanay nilang may iniisip. Pagnagtanong ang mga bata anong sasabihin niya? Mga sinabi ko? Sus ginoo, bata pa sila.
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
LOL! HAhahaha. Sorry I just had to comment to laugh.
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
Despite of the desperate situation I am in, I don't deprive myself of some life's happiness especially when it comes free and from a friend. So, there's no need for saying sorry for something like a good laugh, MJ.We owe it to Cowboy,then. :-)
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
hello eureka, Why wouldn't you asks him to have a talk...sit and talk. If things getting worst between you and your husband,and respect is out of the topic anymore,then,why are you still living together? Respect is the last thing in a relationship. If he is treating you as if you are just a plain wife "becoz of marriage contract..a piece of paper " as what they say (idiot say) wasn't it time to cut the strings? If you were ask me,i wouldn't dare to live long with that kind of situation. I am not saying that separation is the best solution,but,sometimes,we need to let go,in order to let them know our importance. Give yourself a break. Don't sit and have self pity,go on with your life. If he doesn't care about you,and you knew you had given your best,try another strategy. He thought that you can't live without him that is why he feels very proud and ignore you. Give him same treatment,ignore him and don't bother too much. Pretend you are also getting cold,let him know his shortcomings by realizing the way you treat him too.
@jaiho2009 (39079)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
well,let's hope for the best then. If you still withstand the situation,then,try your best to have a better relationship with him.
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
An eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth, then. He is confident enough because he is no longer dependent on me financially unlike before when he was still jobless.He'd cry and beg me to stay while asking for forgiveness and understanding. Not that I am expecting him to do such things again but at least, I want him to make an effort to change for the better if he has truly realized he had done some mistakes. We often sit and talk. There's no way, he can't ignore the fact that he is so aware that he is hurting me and giving me a miserable life because of such behavior. But being aware is not enough unless he made an effort to change and make our life a little easier, even on the emotional aspect only... Thank you, my friend, for the response and insights... Have a wonderful day.:-)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I am doing my best still to be in a good speaking relationship with him. Right now,I'm still doing the things that I usually do for him. and what an irony, we still call each other "Hon" despite of this messy situation...
@syankee525 (6298)
• United States
28 Mar 10
again why men dont like me. he's a peice of crap. really men dont do stuipd things like this, i see it all the time where the men say oh i am going to change i promise. ok yeah they lie. until you actully see it and their actions show other words. they wont. i would never talk that way about my wife for no reason at all. i really think if you show him you are serouis if he dont start changing and you leave it might give him a kick of ok you are not taking this crap anymore from him,
• United States
28 Mar 10
here is the thing about the kids, if you have a daughter do you want her to see how he is treating you annd think that is how a man should treat a female. or if you have a son do you want him to grow up thinking its ok for a man to treat women this way. so those are the things you should also think about as well. good luck
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I have thought of that, too, Syankee.I know exactly the answers to those questions.I should be asking him if he would recommend someone like him for our daughters to marry someday. He doesn't have to give me an answer. If he can assess himself honestly, then, he will act according to such assessment and what image he wants his daughters to have for a husband and family. Maybe,this will help him admit the truth and change for the better...
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
ask him where you stand. from the sound of your story, i think he s taking forgranted of the relationship. have you tried seeking counseling or couples therapy or something like this?
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
I already asked him but he keeps on telling me that it is me that he wanted for the rest of his life and that I am crazy thinking that he has a change of heart towards me. We haven't gone asking for a professional's help regarding our marriage.For me, there's really no such need. We were doing ok for a couple of weeks despite of my struggle to trust him again until yesterday, he lied to me again. Yes, I feel like that too. I mean, taken for granted, also, the relationship... Thank you, Frontvision, for the effort you put up so I may decide what to do next. God bless you.:-)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
any time. but i really do think you need outside help though.. godbless!
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I may be needing one but I will try to resolve this issue first without other people's interference, not even from professional's... Not yet...
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I am deeply sorry for you. You know it pains me to see couples having to go through divorce because of issues and differences that cannot be solved no matter how hard they try. Sometimes it makes me think, "Will that happen to me and whoever my husband will be someday?" Anyway, communication is the key, but it is not one-way you know. Your hubby HAS to cooperate; he HAS to tell you the truth, which you deserve, for all he knows you are being badly hurt! If it stays the same and nothing happens--he still tells you that nothing's wrong yet he talks negatively about you again behind your back--I honestly don't have a "love doctor" advice to give, but I think if it doesn't really work, you have to break away. Oh right, I can't believe I just typed that. I am always the one to believe in idealistic, fairy-tale-like relationships that I overlook the possibility of conflicts. All I can tell you is that you need to break away from that kind relationship because it is unhealthy. He's making you feel worthless whether he is aware of it or not. I just responded to a discussion that's about being single and happy rather than feeling lonely with a partner. And I think that is right. He tells you he loves you but he's not showing it. In fact through his actions he is doing the total opposite. I hope everything turns out fine for you. I know it's hard because of the kids but remember that God doesn't give one trials that he cannot overcome. Keep praying! I will pray for you and your family!
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
Thank you, Mjcookie. That was so sweet of you to give your comment to my awkward situation. I have not forgotten to communicate my feelings to him. And I did my best to let him be aware of the pains in a subtle way. Though it is true that he just keeps quiet everytime I confront him, and thus, I'm the one who is often voicing out what I feel inside,I don't nag. You are not the only one who told me to leave him. Honestly, this is the easy way out for me and I know the best thing to do to save my sanity and self esteem.But it is not as easy as it seems it is. We have kids and they are the reasons why instead of running towards his door I run towards Mylot to unleash my pain... Thank you, Mj, in advance for the prayers and well wishing. God bless you, too.:-)
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
30 Mar 10
You are absolutely welcome. :)
• India
30 Mar 10
It is very sad to see that you are married to such an irresponsible person. He is simply taking you for granted. He is thankless about everything you do for him. I can see he is immature. It is very hard to change him. You cannot change him by being good to him. Now let his convictions convict him. You leave him all by himself for some time. You go to live separate. If you have, children take them along with you. A shock treatment alone will set him right. Let him feel your absence. If he still does not come around then it is better to leave him. These sorts of things day in and day out will give you hypertension, and other sickness like high blood pressure and diabetes will follow.
@Ladyslipper (1330)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
This sounds serious. I hope evrything gets well. I was in the same situation before with my husband. However, that was the time he was seeing another woman. We always fight. It always seems like everything I'm doing is wrong. He tells people in the office especially to my female colleagues that I'm very jealous whenever he is talking or texting female friends. I was always wondering then why it seems like something is wrong with our relationship. I don't feel secure and it seems like he is taking me and our baby for granted. I was pregnant during that time. One day I found out about the other woman. He never admitted it at first. However, my friends and even officemates told me that it's true and it has been going on for almost a month already. Even his two guy male friends who were also close to me admitted it was true. They told me they have choosen to remain silent because they never thought it was something serious and my husband was just flirting with the girl. The girl is also one of our officemates. However, they finally told me about it because they said they felt guilty that they know something's going on that I'm not aware of and then I'm pregnant. I confronted my husband about it again and he finaly admitted it. For almost one month our life was like a hell. We always fight because I can no longer trust him. I'm always crying whenever we fight. I'm alway thinking he's doing something behind my back. I have no peace of mind. After a month everything went fine. Everything happened about 10 months ago and now I can feel security in our relationship. My husband has changed but it did not happen overnight. What's important is he has changed and I know he's living up to his promises now. I can feel it. As a woman we have what we call woman instintc and we can feel if our partner is honest to us. I do really hope this will be fixed between you and your husband.
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
That same woman's instinct keeps on nagging deep within me. And somehow, I often have proven that it is indeed true. You are lucky that your husband realized that you are worthy of taking that big change in his personality and life. I'm glad to hear that it is over and that all things are well with you and your husband again. I hope after all these things I can post the same happy ending here with my relationship just as you had with yours. Maybe, someday my story will come to an end and I'd be happy to share it with all of you here. I am hoping though, that I'll be stronger and happier by that time. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me a feeling of hope and makes me believe that things will be ok, too...
• Philippines
1 Apr 10
You just have to stay strong. The great thing about women is that though we werenot built physically as strong as male we were built stronger emotionally. We cry easily and expresses our emotions that easy which make us look so fragile and weak but deep inside we are strong. I'm not in the position to give you any advise on what I think you should or should not do because I don't really know what happening or going on between you and your husband. It's still you who knows best what to do because you're the one in that situation. The reason I shared my story to you is because I want you to know that you're not alone on this one. There are also other women like me and you who has experienced or might be experiencing the same situation. I hope this situation you're in right now to be over as soon as possible. I know ho hard it is to be in this situation. I felt like a living zombie during that time.
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
first move, you really have to communicate with him..you have to ask him about that matter and tell him about what you feel. And if this things still continues.. you have to let it go..get a grip girl you deserve to be happy..why would you linger with someone who doesn't even cared about what you feel and what you think?
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
For the last three years of our relationship I didn't do anything but to understand every single shortcomings he has. We talked things out and as always every after the talks he'd promise to do his part and was always telling me that he knows what he needs to do now and that I should give him a chance. So, what is there to talk about since this is just an old issue that he keeps on digging by doing it repeatedly... Why stay with him? Because we have kids... I couldn't stand inflicting pains on my kids because of the separation. I'm not ready for it yet...
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
Oh, sorry for my being oblivious. I noticed that you are new here but first let me thank you for your response. Welcome to Mylot,too.:-) I hope you will find this site comforting . God bless you.:-)
@yra1026 (47)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
hey dude! i think you guys really need to sitdown and talk! ask and confront him why he is treating you like that and what have you done??? if you want to fix and save your marriage then you should have to understand him deeply for whatever reasons he will give you. i hope this will help
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
Thanks, Yra.:-) I have done that. I think I have done everything to make the issue clear to both of us. I wanted to know the causes of such behavior as well as I want him to know what I feel about it everytime he is doing it. But, it is not working. He'd only say I'm not doing anything wrong to him and yet he keeps on ranting to his female friends that I am every bit doing wrong... I just couldn't understand but I am trying to keep my sanity intack and still trying to give him the benefits of the doubt for the sake of our kids...
@mjcookie (2275)
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
"He'd only say I'm not doing anything wrong to him and yet he keeps on ranting to his female friends that I am every bit doing wrong." Wow, that's utterly hypocritical. Sorry to say, but that is not a real man's attitude to talk BS about his wife to other FEMALES. How could he do that? Whatever the reason of his being cold, he still doesn't have the right to rant negatively to other people about you behind your back.
@cripfemme (7719)
• United States
28 Mar 10
I agree with you. I wouldn't be with anybody who wouldn't tell me what was actually going on. It's better to know and if it's not positive move on with your life. If I were you, I would have reached my "done" point a while ago. Putting up with all these affairs and what not is just beyond me. I'm glad that you're finally deciding to make your husband make some choices. You may not like the results or his decisions, but trust me you'll be better of knowing.
• Philippines
29 Mar 10
I have bravely told him I am ready to accept whatever his decision is.And it is all true. I'd rather suffer the pain of the separation than to suffer the pain of lies for the rest of my life. The only thing the bothers me is that, he is not telling me the truth about what he really wants. He even blurted out that I should wait until my daughter gets older. For me, it is a a clear indication that he is ready to let go of me but not now because my daughters need me... Sigh...
@novelcai (603)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
hi there girl... do you still remember me? the last time i commented your discussion is all about your husbands CLEANLINESS. Do you gave birth already? as far as i remember you told me that you your due date is march. girl i feel so sad about your situation... just make m\your self strong 1st and focus to your baby then when you are physically strong and of course emotionally then you need to make a move for you and to your child. god bless
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Hello, my dear.How are you? Of course, I remember you, Novelcai.:-) It is a sad thing that I have to post something like this about the father of my kids... But this is the only place I can ran to to unleash my pain and frustrations. Yes, I have already given birth to a baby girl last Mar 11. I should be feeling happy about it, right? I am but my husband's behavior is just too much for me to bear... Yup, you are right. I need to focus on my baby first, and once I am in good shape and state of being again, I've to do something about this situation. Maybe, I can make a move now that my baby is born. Thank you so much for accommodating my ranting once again. It helps that there are people like you who still listens to me.:-)It makes things more bearable.... God bless you, Novelcai.:-)
@umit_umit (1988)
• India
28 Mar 10
well,friend if ones your husband has adopted this attitude then,you can ask him clearely and tell him that he can go on his own ways the way he likes to enjoy the life!or he should tell the truth!oe else tell the truth and he can remain happy in the way he likes,as you tell him that i cant suffer this humilation more!but tell him to please tell the truth as you will not be able to live like this anymore,and its unbeareble!then you can get the answers,dont keep on tolreating this!and be clear!
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Hi, Umit. I hope you wouldn't mind me giving your code a short cut.:-) those were exactly my words. Plus, I told him to let go of me and let me have a peaceful life without him. He was so confident to hurt me because he knows I can't leave our kids and that I will try my best to forgive him, of which he is correct... I am not tolerating this kind of misbehavior. As a matter of fact, I have let it known to him that I resented it but he is a stubborn pig. So insensitive and uncaring. Well, he cares for his daughters, at least. Someday, Umit. I will find the courage to go on my way... Thank you so much. God bless you.:-)
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
28 Mar 10
eurekafemme, It appears to me that this difference in expectation hasn't been communicated to him like how it should have been between husband and wife. You married him for X number of years, but now you begin to lament about how dissatisfied you are with his attitudes towards everything else outside you. Perhaps you might already felt this coming many years back, but you probably opt for the easier option to avoid open talks. Now such behavior has been rooted - tearing them out of place will promise much strife. This is interesting because you covered a wide spectrum of issues, even some that might appear to be mundane, but certainly, these are clashes of definition of what you reckon he should or should not 'do'. You reckon that your marriage is not as happy as you would like it to be, but if you don't work on your marriage through proper channels and instead taking the easier option to avoid, I don't see how changes can take place by configuring your relationship on auto-pilot. You might fear that bringing those issues openly for discussion might escalate implications, but surely if you don't - you will escalate your frustration instead and will burst when you hit boiling point. Nobody is perfect, but hope lies in crafting a seeming-perfect marriage and like dough, love is not constant - it has to be remade and remoulded all the time. You got to work on your communication for many years to come. Take baby steps in achieving the big picture. Albeit that might not result in your ideal goal, but you have to look forward and strive to improve your relationship. You don't have to resign to a 'less-than-happy-marriage' - you certainly have a choice Take care and I pray that you will have the courage to confront your issues here.
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
When we were just dating, he has this kind of attitude already but I didn't give it a damn because I believed he'd change. But I guess, I was wrong about it.This issue has been going on for around two years, and he is so aware of it because I already told him what I feel and what I wanted to happen. Just like I said, I only want one thing from him, and that is his HONESTY...But it seems too difficult for him to give that to me. I don't know why... I've exhausted all means to resolve this thing. Communication is something that we have but he is deaf. Thinking and believing that he is not doing anything wrong. He doesn't seem to understand that I am not against his activities but I am resenting his lying about it when ask... I don't expect him to be the perfect spouse but at least I am expecting someone I can trust... Thank you for that sensible advise, Skysuccess.
@saphrina (31740)
• South Africa
28 Mar 10
Sweetie, no offense. I think you are wasting your time on him. If he doesn't have the guts to give you a straightforward answer, you tell him to move on then. I cannot understand why most men can open their yappers to other women, but not their own partners. This is not easy, but you have to decide what you want and what you want to do, as in very fast. Good Luck. TATA.
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Yes, it is something that I am having a hard time understanding, too, Saphrina. Despite of the constant assurance that I can handle the truth better, he has difficulties telling things straight to me. I am beginning to lose my patience as well as my respect for him. I am trying to forgive him for the sake of our daughters but I am not sure if I my love for my kids will sustain this kind of relationship... I definitely know what I want and what I want to do, but because of his attitude it is seems very impossible to achieve anything. Sometimes, I do have this feeling that he is doing this in purpose so I will be the one to leave instead of him so he can blame me one day for doing so. And will have full custody of my daughters...Something that I don't want to happen and that I couldn't let him put the blame on me... Thank you for bearing with me, dear.... God bless you.:-)
@setsuna26 (2410)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
Maybe theres a chance that your husband is demanding some more trust coming from you.He might feel that you dont trust him that much thats why hes almost rubbing it in your safe, i mean the way he tell his other female friends that he cant chat inside the house because of you. There might be previous experiences where in your not aware that you hurt him too. But anyways in this kind of situation you need to talk together and setlle things down. Besides your husband and wife and these kinds of petty squabble needs to be talked so that everything will be good for you and your husband again. Hope that helps somehow cheer up and dont be sad ;)
• Philippines
28 Mar 10
I must admit that there was a time I resented his chatting/texting with his female friends, it was because I discovered he was flirting with them. and when I asked him about it, instead of telling me the truth, he fabricated stories as alibis. Of course, truth will always come out.It is not his chatting that had pissed me off but his intentions that's why he was chatting or texting. We talked about it and had stopped chatting or texting them. At least, that's what I know. Though he may have refrained himself from chatting (if he is home) he is still texting (and might be chatting if he's on trip) to different women. His alibi, FOR NETWORKING!!! Anyways, thank you, Setsuna for trying to make things a little easy for me. I greatly appreciate it. :-)