Mom overload

United States
April 14, 2010 11:34am CST
Through my life my mother and I had a lot of bumps. When I was 3 she gave birth to a baby brother who died three days later. He came early because she had played with her insulin (she is diabetic) an taken to much throwing her into convulsions and causing labor. She blamed his death on me and sent me away to family members until I was 5. When they insisted she being my mother again she took me back but I was always just that kid. I have a younger sister who is 6 yr.s younger and she is the "One who lived" I get this but we have never had a good relationship (me and mom I mean) I was sorta a Cinderella story and booted out at 18 because she didn't feel as though I needed to be there anymore (Lil' sis stayed until she was 25). After I almost lost my second child at birth she started to come around to me and things became better not super close but better. After losing two babies she told me she guessed I now knew how it felt and was again a little nicer. This Easter we where having it out because she swears she has always treated me as she did my sister (brought on by the fact that she didn't remember me having mono and being in the hospital for 3 weeks at age 17). During this fight I turned around and asked her a simple question that a Mom should know "how tall am I?". She had no clue. She didn't believe me when I said how tall I was and insisted on measuring me. This hit home to her in a way that I could never have imagined and now she is in over drive to fix what she just now 30 some what years later realized she has been doing since I was 3. I know she is just trying to make it better but she is way too much too fast. How do I tell her this with out seeming ungrateful and in truth I have to admit It ticks me off that it took all of this for her to really care. I asked if we could go to a counselor and she got very mad at me, now what?
6 responses
@celticeagle (117634)
• Boise, Idaho
15 Apr 10
Very smart of you to want to seek out a counselor. I would go to one myself and I am sure the counselor could help you find the right words to say to your mom. And, after you are established with one I would invite her from time to time and this in itself might open some dialogue. It would be good for you to learn to cope with it all though. Your health will help both of your relationships in the long run.
• United States
15 Apr 10
I began to see counselors when I was a kid to deal with my eating issues when I landed in the hospital a few times. We went through many because they all told my mother the same thing that she was my issue and then she would get mad and pull me out. When I left home and got on my own insurance I began to see one steadily because I knew I was still having eating issues and I needed help, even at 18 I knew it was bad. I have one now as my eating issue seem to arise without me realizing it when anything small happens. This counselor and I have both invited my mother to come but she will not because she says they all say the same thing that it is her fault, and it's not so why go. I tried but I will not push for my own sanity.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (117634)
• Boise, Idaho
16 Apr 10
I can certainly understand that. She is in denial and really needs the help. I wouldn't stop answering. People change their ideas from time to time.
@celticeagle (117634)
• Boise, Idaho
17 Apr 10
I meant 'asking' not 'answering'. I hope at some point she has her V-8 moment.
@debrakcarey (19924)
• United States
15 Apr 10
I too had a horrible relationship with my mother. She seemed not to notice me until she was elderly, then suddenly she 'needed me' and 'loved me'. I have learned that the saying...it is what it is....has to be my motto. If I tried to figure out WHY, it would drive me crazy. I realize that my emotional problems about this had caused problems between me and my children. My mother is no longer alive to reach out to me, but thank God I am still breathing and able to ask forgiveness from my own children. It doesn't wipe the slate clean, but it sure makes it easier to discuss the whatfor's and why's in their lives. Let it be. Your mom is who she is. Experience taught me that Mothers where daughters once....who might have been hurt by their mothers. Be the first in a long line, to let it be. Hope this helps. God bless.
• United States
15 Apr 10
My Grandmother passed when my own mother was very young. She has many anger issues from that as well. My poor sister is getting the brunt of them now as for as much as she pushed me away she did the opposite and smothered her. Now with planning a wedding she has heard (been 2 weeks or so now) a guilt trip about doing everything with our Mom for the wedding because she didn't have a mom to do it with. Opposite of the "Do I have to go to your wedding?" that I got. (my Dad made her go). I live by the can't change a person who doesn't want to change and live on. I was lucky enough to have a friends Mom who gave me a lot of support and I was able to base how I treat my kids from my experiences with her and the comparisons I made between the two, I was lucky as I believe my kids are that she was in my life (We lost her when we where 18 miss her) and in fact though I call my own mother Mom, we called her Momma and that is what my kids call me.
@debrakcarey (19924)
• United States
23 Apr 10
It is an endless chain, isn't it. Thank God you're doing YOUR best to break the cycle. And isn't it wonderful when you are given an alternative source for love and and acceptance.
@kquiming (2999)
• Philippines
14 Apr 10
That's a very difficult situation to be in, sorry to hear about your bad experience with your mother. I think I can relate to some of the parts -- yeah my mom thinks she's done nothing wrong too, when in fact almost everything she's done is wrong. And she gets mad whenever I (calmly) open the topic and evem bring suggestions to fix it. I think there's nothing much we could do about them --- I mean it's just them, their traits and personality - and yeah, I know sometimes my mom "is just trying to make it better" but she doesn't realize how it hurts me some times. Sometimes I just wish we could live harmoniously together but WITH LOTS OF SPACE in between. You know what I mean. Anyway for me prayer has helped me a lot. Because it somehow taught me to be more tolerant of her behavior, be more patient with her quirks, and be more understanding. I try to understand that she's just going through some issues (Yeah ever since I was a kid , right), and maybe she feels way worse than I do about things, a lot of things in life... So instead of getting annoyed, I think I'll just pity her. And sympathize with her.
• United States
15 Apr 10
I of coarse had issues as a kid and I came to terms with the fact that she was the problem and there was nothing to do but deal with it by the time I was about 15. The third school and or state (can't remember had to see 5 or 6 of them) counselor told her she was my problem and she told him that what he said was BS and that I was always the problem and always would be. He took me aside and told me to stop listening to what ever she said to me and just to try to live my own life and survive a few more years as she made it clear I would not be going back to him. My issues came out with eating disorders and lying about my home life (no surprise but many didn't understand I just was too embarrassed for them to know what it was like at home, being hit, things thrown at me etc. lost a lot of friends to that). So when I came to terms I talked my way into going to a new school where I had no issues or teachers/counselors on me all the time. best thing I ever did. I still fall into some of the traps of the verbal abuse and at times when she is around I duck when she grabs something that I was used to being thrown at me...lol, instinct I guess.
@peedielyn (1210)
• United States
15 Apr 10
Hi Honey! I know how you feel. I went through a bunch of stuff with my step-mom. It got to the point where I hated everyone more than my bad attitude normally did. My dad and I never seen eye-to-eye about things and i couldn't tell him what she was doing behind his back. I still have curling iron scars in private places that make me fear intimacy sometimes. I hated her. She had a stroke a few years ago that left her with partial memories. She denied anything bad had ever happened and one day we had had it out. I blew up about everything bad that had ever happened to me. Right before that, we were talking and she said well, Rose, you have never been happy and I don't know why, but Karma has a way of coming back to you. You probably deserved whatever it was that I did to you. I yelled that I was 2 and was raped by my mother's boyfriend and shared other details--"And what did I do to deserve that??" After arguing and screaming mercies at her, I pulled my drawers down and basically mooned her to show her what she did. After about 4 hours of this, I let go. I was finally at peace, and she is too. Sometimes you have to put it out there, and when they finally come to terms of what they did and start trying, be the better person and let them. It may come to fast and hard for you, but this is her way of saying sorry. She may not know how to make it up any other way. My step mother is now a lot kinder and unfortunately/fortunately, she has had flash backs about all that she has done and calls me to aplogize for what she did. Everyone knows in my family that my birth mom was jealous of me and has stated so to my face, well, after all that was said and done, my step said the exact same thing. I am not that good looking and for the most part am totally tomboy. But, I am loyal to my dad and they couldn't handle that. I worked on trucks, played in the junk yard and didn't mind getting dirty. You can't please everyone, so let her do her thing. In the end, He will sort us all out.
• United States
15 Apr 10
I know how you feel about the scars. I cannot wear a bathing suit with out a t-shirt cause I hate for anyone to see my scars on my back. At one point I was maybe 15/16 my Mother threw a hot frying pan grease/food and all at my back. I had severe burns and a chip in my shoulder plate from it. The burns left scars on my back and upper arm and I hate them. I have a few others in odd places but not as bad. I give you a lot of respect for being able to move on after having to deal with two Moms of bad behavior. God bless you.
• China
15 Apr 10
i am really very sorry for your bad situation,it's really very difficult situation for you . thourgh your situation, i really felt that my mother is a very good mother. i had a good relationship with my mother . she is a very great ,she gave birth to my four sisters ,my brother and me ,and she and my father brought us up very well . and treat us very kindly . she is really a good mother.
@qamarep (4450)
• Pakistan
15 Apr 10
your mother had really lost the love about you looks like she needed a relationship counsellr