Why Do Some Things Have To Be So Complicated?

United States
April 28, 2010 10:29pm CST
So, tonight I invited my Ex over for supper so we could talk about how we want to split up our daughter's Summer vacation. We split it every year, he gets her 6 weeks and I get her 6 weeks. Now just so you have a little more insight on my situation, my Ex has primary custody of my daughter, I get her every other weekend, holidays, and he has been letting me keep her 1 night a week. Tonight just happened to be the night I have with my daughter. Now back to my story. He called me about 8:20 tonight and asked when a teenage girl that babysits the kids for me sometimes was going to be leaving. I told him that I didn't know that she was just here borrowing the computer. Then we hung up and he texted me and told me that he wasn't coming over if she was going to be here. I texted him back telling him that I didn't understand what the big deal was. He finally showed up though. When he did, we went in the kitchen and I told him that I wanted her the 1st weekend in June for my class reunion and that I was taking a weeks vacation in August and we were spending it with my family(who lives 300 miles away). Now I told him 2 months ago that these 2 times were times when I wanted her this Summer and he never said anything except, we will talk about it later. So, now that I FINALLY got him to sit down and figure it all out, he says, I had plans for that weekend and my mom had plans with her that week. He starts making remarks about how he ALWAYS has to give up his time and change his plans so I can be happy. He made those remarks more than once among other statements. I tried to be patient and not get upset. He then told me to just pick a whole month that I wanted her and I told him that a whole month is only 4 weeks so that left me 2 weeks still so I would take her the whole month of June and 2 weeks in August. He started to make his remarks again about how he can't make plans for this and he can't make plans at this time. I don't understand how me wanting her for my 6 weeks is such a hardship for him. He has primary custody of her and he is getting 6 weeks of her Summer too, so how is it that he can't make plans on his 6 weeks??? Am I being unreasonable?? I mean, the weekend I want her is my class reunion, it's going to be a family thing and everyone is bringing their children and I want to be able to take mine too. It's 300 miles away so just going to the reunion and then taking her back to him isn't that easy. And the vacation to stay with my family for a week, I've had planned for 2 months now and I told him about it when I started making the plans. I bought tickets for a rodeo, etc already. I'm so frustrated. I eventually got upset with all of his remarks and told him off. He told me he didn't understand why I was so upset. I don't understand how he can make his remarks and expect me not to get upset. I eventually told him to just leave and get out of my house because I wasn't going to listen to it any more. He finally got the hint and left after he asked me, "Well, what do you want to do?" and I said, "Whatever you think". After I said that, he got up and left. Am I being unreasonable? Do you think I'm asking too much? Or is he just a complete jerk?
5 people like this
14 responses
@GardenGerty (91184)
• Marion, Kansas
29 Apr 10
It sounds like a control thing with him.He did not want that teen there, he does not want you to have your daughter when you would like to have her. How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to have any input into this? If he has been trying to make other plans that conflict on that date, he should be able to tell you what they are, instead of just saying "I can't make plans" He does not know what he wants except he does not want you to have what you want. I do think that your wants need to come over his mother, though.
• United States
29 Apr 10
Our daughter is 9 years old. He does definitely have a control issue. I really don't understand what the whole problem is. I know that he said the weekend that I wanted her, he wanted to take her and spend the weekend in St. Louis and judging by the way he was acting, I'm sure someone else or his female "friend" is paying for it and that's why that certain weekend was so important. Now the issue with his mother wanting to take her to a fair on that week in August, shouldn't be an issue really, I mean I told him to call his mother and see when it was exactly that she wanted her and he just kept mouthing. I mean if there was a way I could figure it out so my daughter could go to the State Fair with his mother then I would. But even with that said, the state fair goes on even a few days after the week that I wanted her so if his mom wanted then she could take her on one of those days. I mean, I'm trying to compromise even though I do have certain dates that I do want her but it just seems like there is no compromise with him and then he wants to say that I'm being demanding. I even told him, "I don't understand why this has to be so complicated" and he replied, "Yeah, it's not complicated so long as you get exactly what you want". I don't understand this because I told him months in advance what I was planning and wanted for the Summer. And even though he says these are the time him and his mother want with our daughter, I'm still trying to compromise but he isn't listening because all he wants to do is run his mouth.
1 person likes this
29 Apr 10
hi I don't see it as a complicated situation but you are dealing with a complicated individual. He's just being a jerk. It sad to see a father putting his own issues at the well being of his daughter. However,do not let the situation stress you out. What ever time is given you to be with your daughter make the best of it. Explain the situation to her make sure she understands and just keep loving and supporting her. Have a happy Mother's Day
@Hatley (159579)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Apr 10
no I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I think you two now need to get a mediator to settle these vacation plans, someone who is not involved at all but can make your husband listen to you and agree to your terms for a change as you had already told him way in advance.I do not understand why you did not get custody of her though? I mean primary custody of her, I always thought the mother got custody of the children? Maybe you should have this reviewed as it does not seem quite far to me and it will start to have an effect on her if she becomes pulled this way and that way by both of you.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 10
Our whole custody issue is a long, long story. But you are so right about how this all affects her. I mean, we were arguing and I told her to go take a shower so she wouldn't have to hear it. When she got out of the shower he was gone and she asked me what we had decided and I told her that I didn't know and she said, "So, am I not going to stay with you at all this Summer?". I told her that I didn't know and that there was nothing I could do that any time I had with her was because her dad gives me that time. I told her that I wanted her to know that I wished she was with me all the time and I didn't want her to ever think that I didn't want her with me because I did. I tried not to but I started crying and she said, "Mom, please don't cry". See when all of this went to court, we had agreed that I would get her 6 weeks out of the Summer but somehow when we signed the papers it wasn't in it and I, nor my lawyer noticed it until after the papers had already been signed. Now, every Summer since our custody case he has given me my 6 weeks but not without an arguement. But none of the arguements have been near as bad as the one tonight. And frankly, I don't know if I can handle all of this anymore. I'm tired of fighting with him just so I can spend time with my daughter, I shouldn't have to fight with him.
2 people like this
@Hatley (159579)
• Garden Grove, California
29 Apr 10
hi singlemommy I would get the court to appoint a mediator to work out something that you could live with instead of him controlling and bullying you, I just think a daughter should be with her mommy, now I know I dont know all of what went on and its probably too painful for you to rehash any way. but It might be to your advantage to get your lawyer to reopen this and try to get custody of her, I know this is none of my business but just feel for you and your daughter is all .good luck and God bless. do pray as it might help
• United States
29 Apr 10
I have been been doing a whole lot of praying and thank you so much for your well wishes and prayers. The lawyer got disbarred so he doesn't practice anymore. And as far as it goes, I'm not too sure that I have money for a lawyer again. Plus, the lawyer he had is now the county judge, so how they would handle this case, I don't know, unless they did a change of venue or something to that affect. I was actually just praying before I looked to see your response and I just told God that I can't take all this arguing and bickering and fighting anymore, it's just more than I can handle and I just need Him to intervene in some way and make things right. I just really have to put all of this in His hands because I just can't handle it anymore.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
29 Apr 10
Hi there single, I have to say that I got a bit lost and confused reading this. I don't understand what the babysitter has to do with any of this. I kept reading trying to tie her into the problem you guys were having. Personally, I think you guys are getting too caught up in the mathematics of who is entitled to her and each making sure you get your allotted amount of days when what you should be doing is just working together to raise your daughter. Toss and burn the score card. Just work with each other.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 10
His issues with the babysitter, I really don't know and understand. His Ex girlfriend/friend, whatever she really is, I don't know, is a teacher at the school that my daughter and the babysitter go to. I think alot of his problem is that he is scared that he will do or say something that the babysitter might go back and tell the teacher and she won't like it or it might cause problems with them. Believe me, he is always up to something. I'm trying to work with him but he makes everything so hard and complicated. I only have a week and a half that I want to have her and that I already have plans for, plans that I talked to him about months ago and he was in agreement until we sit down to make the final adjustments to her Summer schedule. I was even willing to somehow work in everyone's plans but all he wanted to do was get smart with me. I'm totally at a lose here, I'm done. I'm tired of fighting with him over things that are so pointless. If he thinks he needs her all Summer then he can have her all Summer. She knows that I want to spend time with her and really maybe that is all she needs to know.
1 person likes this
@zralte (4186)
• India
30 Apr 10
How about calling up the teacher and asking her to speak to him? She can tell him that she ran into you and you told her you were hoping to take your daughter to the reunion but you are not sure what his plans are. Then depending on your relationship with her and also his relationship with her, she can then suggest that he let your daughter go with you, by saying 'Oh, I think that would have been nice for the little girl to meet her family' or something along those lines. Just a thought.
1 person likes this
@sid556 (31018)
• United States
30 Apr 10
Zralte, I don't think that would be good. The teacher should not be involved in their personal problems. She stated that the teacher was an ex-girlfriend of his which is all the more reason not to involve her. Singlemommy is right, it isn't worth fighting over. her daughter knows that she wants to spend time with her and that is what is important.
1 person likes this
@zralte (4186)
• India
29 Apr 10
Hi singlemommy, from everything you've mentioned, he sounds like a jerk to me. If he hasn't made any plans yet, and can not make plans now, what is his problem? He can plan around your schedule, which does not look complicated to me at all. Seems to me that he just wants to mess around with you just because he can. I can't really offer an advice as to what to do, legal or otherwise, as I am not too familiar with American laws and customs. Looks to me that the humane thing to do would be lo let you have your daughter for the weeks that you wanted her and then made plans for the other times. If he already made plans and had to reschedule, that is another matter. If he has not, he is just being a jerk. Best thing would be, get a mediator who can talk to him. Possibly one of his friends or his family, someone he would listen to.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 10
The mediator idea is a great one but I know he would never agree to it. That is just how he is, it's his way or no way. He wants the authority over me and he definitely doesn't want anyone else knowing what a jerk he is.
1 person likes this
@zralte (4186)
• India
29 Apr 10
I agree with frontvision, fight for it. If the mediator does not work out, argue with him till he agrees. It's unreasonable of him to think you will just agree to everything he wants. Sounds like you have great faith, I will pray for you too.
2 people like this
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
He's just a complete jerk if you ask me. He's the one being unreasonable and you're in the right place. Fight for it cuz it's worth it.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 10
I know it's definitely worth the fight, but I don't know if I can take him anymore. I'm at my whits end. My daughter knows that I want to be with her. I know she doesn't understand it all and I don't really know how to explain it all to her.
1 person likes this
@celticeagle (114503)
• Boise, Idaho
29 Apr 10
Is he trying to make trouble? Maybe he just didn't hear what you said or already knew his situation for the summer and didn't want an argument. Why can't he make plans? Maybe he knew there would probably be an argument and he didn't want the babysitter to over hear it. He sounds like quite a loon to me.
@savypat (20248)
• United States
29 Apr 10
To me this seems so easy, you just get two calendars and two colors of pens, sit down and work it out. Yes I'll go with jerk.
@sender621 (14956)
• United States
29 Apr 10
Experiences don't start out to be complicated. Situations and circumstances build into complication. One thing is said or done that can be misinterpreted. Before you know it, life has turned into a complicated mess. We spend more time and energy getting simplified than it takes to complicate matters in the first place.
• United States
29 Apr 10
Very simple...He is a JERK who just want to make things complicated for you. You are not being unreasonable IMO you are being very reasonable. I would get a lawyers to confirm your summer visitation plans. I have had very good results using my local Legal Aid to help me when I could not afford a lawyer.
2 people like this
• United States
29 Apr 10
I don't think your being unreasonable at all. Some people just really need to get over things. People can make stuff really compliated sometimes, I would know. My grandparents would make dying my hair such a big deal when its nothing really. And if things didn't go their way, it wouldn't be good.
2 people like this
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
His mouth may say this and that but to me it all just sounds like rantings to me. There is a difference between believing rantings and believing real men's words and because he merely rants, I wouldn't go so far as to think about what he said that seriously. By the time he finished his verbal fireballs he felt calm and "got the hint" which mean that he did calmed down. Often it is useless to take it seriously as those are just rantings and not said intentionally. Men gets crazy too and its just normal to vent craziness.
2 people like this
@Genericbe (1379)
• Philippines
29 Apr 10
hi singlemommy, I understand that you are reasonable regarding your demand time for your daughter. I think your husband can never understand you because he has a close mind for your suggestions and he do not know the feelings being a mother to a child and all the bearings you got. I guess all what in his knowledge is the word "primary custody" that means he uses for many instances in your separate lives in controlling you over your close relation with your daughter. You daughter is a 9 year old one, she needs your love and affection and no one can replace your maternal role even your husband mother. You have the right to be granted with your request without undergoing many explanations that is deemed not necessary because all favor is in your husband and the favor you are asking will not kill all the custody he got. I think, psychologically or emotionally it would kill his pride/ego or whatever, if he will allow you for that requests.. IT is also both your pride being parents to show to other people your daughter but he must not neglect your right in giving your time and attention for your child except if he has a bitter feeling when you and your daughter would be able to develop a good relationship together than him. For some many reasons, why he is preventing you for such allowances, he only knows in his heart.. You are not asking too much, you are being reasonable, mother in nature, and responsible enough that despite of your separation with your husband, you still do your role as a mother to your child without letting her be affected and suffer that consequences.. I think though he has the primary custody over your child, there is no custody as to emotional upbringing of the child. Both of you need to take part for the sake of the good development of the child. Especially you being a mother, must not deprived of that right..For, the child has feelings too.. Not even your husband or anyone can replace you in behalf for your child. IT will bring the child a good social interaction if you let her socialize in your reunion. It will help gain confidence and make her life even at that moment complete with you. I hope the light of GOd will touch your husband heart and able to understand you and be this time, favorable for both of you and your daughter.
2 people like this
• China
30 Apr 10
oh,my dear i am so sorry to hear your story but please be happy.after all ,your kid is innocent ,right? i think the reason why you quarrel with each other is that you have an angel in commen and how lovely your daughter is,i can feel.both of you must think of whether your kid feels happy when you are doing like this.
1 person likes this
@paula27661 (15900)
• Australia
30 Apr 10
I don’t know if he is a total jerk but he sure is behaving like one! He seems to want to call the shots at all times and that’s why he ignored you when you originally mentioned the school reunion and that you wanted your daughter then. Now he wants to control the situation on his terms. I would be upset too if I was in your situation. I guess you will have to try to discuss this with him again, try putting all down on paper or something. I would suggest having another person there to mediate clearly not the babysitter!
1 person likes this