What to tell /advice a friend

@setsuna26 (2751)
Philippines
April 29, 2010 8:40pm CST
Just yesterday a friend came to our place and wants to talk to me, i let him in and ask him whats wrong, he said hes confused and dont know what to do, he told me that he found out that hes just adopted, meaning all of his 23 years of existence he never thought that his parents are not his biological parents.Actually im pretty much guilty because i dont know what to tell him,i mean im there for him to listen to his sentiments but i dont know what exactly to tell him.If your in my place what kind of word of comfort or advice will you tell or say to your friend?
1 person likes this
17 responses
@kedralynn (980)
• United States
30 Apr 10
The best thing you can do is be there to listen. Also if it were my friend I would say - Ok so you found out they're not your biological parents, so what? They're still your parents. They still love you. They still raised you. They still treated you as their own. They took care of you. Finding out you're adopted doesn't lessen their love. It doesn't change the times you spent with them. Yes it's a shock. And I'm sure you'd wonder about your real parents. But these parents here love you. Adoptive parents, that's just a title. Love and support is love and support no matter who it comes from and your friend should appreciate that strangers choose to take him in and love him as their own. And I'm sure they do love him as if he were their own biological son. That's what matters. Your friend will take some time to get over the initial shock but he'll be ok.
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
I agree right now all i can do is to be with him and to listen to his feelings and for him to just let it go and scream his heart out.I want to tell him about how good you just stated, but i think i will have to wait until he calms down a bit, i mean right now hes emotions are working and tendency is he wont even listen to the merits of what i will tell him. All he needs right now is someone to listen to him and thats when i enter. Thanks for sharing your wonderful idea and have a great day my friend!
• United States
30 Apr 10
There's is no real advise that you can really give. Does he want to find out who his real parents are? How did he find out? Just last month I found out that my father was married to another women while he was seeing my moms......hey, it's life... But he should have known......being that he is black, and his parents are white.....
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Actually theres indeed no word of advice that my friend will listen to right now, hes in a state of shock right now its as if his whole life changed in an instant. As i said all that i can do right now is to be with him and listen to his sentiments. For thats all that he wants for someone to listen and try to understand his situation somehow will make him feel better
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
1 May 10
You must have been very special to have him to confide in you something which is not so easy to handle. For that you should applaud yourself. Sometimes being there to listen is all it takes to 'listen with a heart'. In this particular case seems to me he wants an answer. I would tell him to look at the other perspective, let's say he is the parent of an adopted child. Let him see the good reason for the adoption and all the hardships he has had to face to bring up an adopted child, the possible best he had given, the joys and sorrows they would have shared. I hope this would put him in his adopted parents' shoes and make him more appreciative of them. It's not who they are that matter but what they have tried their best to give us what we are today!
@tomitomi (5429)
• Singapore
1 May 10
Sorry to hear about your friend. Hope things would be OK soon. Have a nice day ahead!
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Thank you for the comment, i think thats a good idea, i mean for me to make him feel that its not easy to adopt someone too. I mean to make him feel the way his adoptive parents feel when they adopted him.Right now i understand why he can be really confused but as soon as his confusion subsides and he calms down i will tell him and try my best to make him see the brighter side of his parents actions to adopt him .Thanks for your time my friend
@dawnald (85129)
• Shingle Springs, California
3 May 10
Listen to what he's upset about. Is it that his adoptive parents didn't tell him? That he was given up? Or what? I'm sure nobody meant to hurt him, that they wanted the best life for him. Sometimes wrong decisions are made out of love, not out of anything bad.
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
4 May 10
Yeah nobody wants to hurt him at least intentionally but i think i need to wait until hes fully calmed down already then i can tell him all of the things that he should be thankful of and that he should never change the way he feels and respect his adoptive parents too
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
you should take a cue from your friend so you would know what to say and how to help...maybe ask him how he will go about searching for his biological parents...will he ever be doing that or maybe just let him know that you are his friend...you will be there for him..no matter what...if he can still talk to his adoptive parents...ask hat he will tell them and take it from there...;)..do not be demanding or confrontational...he needs somebody to talk to and help him cope with the truth that he now knows...hope that helps you.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
1 May 10
your welcome friend...:)..have a great day ahead...;)
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Yeah and thats exactly what im thinking bout , to give most of my support to him in his trying times like this time. I know hes loved by his known parents right now but i understand his feeling right now too, that something is missing inside of him and to know this all of a sudden is really confusing...Good thing im with him to support him i mean sometimes people do stupid things when faced with this kind of situation. Thanks for sharing my friend and hope you have a great day ahead of you
@iv4emani (35)
• Bulgaria
2 May 10
Hi.I think it's not you who is the biological parent and who they had grown and educated.Our parents do not create a night near the bed of a small creature.Encouraged to make the first steps and say the first words.It is daily giving a little child you need to grow and take on their life time.Organic or not each of us must be grateful to people who raise him and made it what it is now.
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@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
4 May 10
I perfectly understand what you mean, its just that sometimes we just cant fully understand how does it feel to be adopted. Yes we are grateful but there are certain things like knowing where we belong that needs to be answered too. I believe thats what my friend is longing to hear and feel as well. Thanks for sharing your opinion that means alot to me
@amelly (1554)
• Malaysia
30 Apr 10
i've been in your shoes before but not because of the same problem.you see i'm a teen and as you know teens usually not very good when in come to solve problem but mostly they consult me when their parents got divorced.mostly my friends have such problems.and basically my parents are still together n i hope forever.i just tell them to accept it with an open heart but i also tell them don't hesitate to share with me anything because talking to someone who care for them can ease their pain.
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Yeah its a little bit awkward for me to be in this situation but since im able to help a good friend of mine its just fine with me. I feel so light being able to help a good friend in his life.Yes i may not be the solution to his problem but im glad that im able to lessen the problem by comforting him in times like this .
@amelly (1554)
• Malaysia
30 Apr 10
yup..but although i can't actually settle the problem or fix the situation,listening to her problem can actually make my friend feel much better
30 Apr 10
I am sorry that your friend is sad to find out that he is adopted.As much as I don't know what it means to find out that the parents who have raised you all your life, are not your biological parents,I also know how much any parent loves their child because it is only when they want to give their love to a child,and make them their own,that they become parents.I have three adopted cousins within my father's extended family.We are close-knit,so I understand how the child feels,as well as how the parents feel.It is important that your friend does not make his parents feel guilty that they are not his biological parents,but is is also essential that your friend himself gets a lot of moral/mental support from you and other close friends. Obviously at this stage,he will be very confused himself,so if you can listen to him without judging him,he will be able to come to terms with his reality quickly.You must also let him know that his parents will not stop loving him now,and that the bond that they have fromed over the years as a family will never go away.ofcourse,as you mentioned,he needs to calm down right now,you should let him know that he is not wrong to feel bad,but also that he should try to see the situation objectively,from his parents point of view as well.Hope my response makes sense for you.
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
It does actually i really like your message as well, makes me want to help him more, i remember when i was hospitalized this friend of mine stayed by my side almost 3 days of my stay in the hospital, now its time to return the favor and to show how much he means to me as my friend. Its as if his world is upside down right now and im glad that somehow he trusted me to know and that im the one he choose to tell and he let me help him by listening to his tale and trying to understand his feelings right now, i do hope he will be better pretty soon. Thank you again for the advice i appreciate it alot
@smileonstar (4007)
• United States
30 Apr 10
HI well... I think you should listen and advice him not to feel any guilty about this cuz even they are adopted parents but they love and care and support him all the way until now. 23 years is a long way for his adopted parents to do... it is not that bad for someone else love and care for you. If I find out my parents adopted me then I still love them and if I can't find my real parents, I shouldn't feel bad at all... I have to face the truth cuz if someone doesn't care but here there are two people always there for me... u know it is hard for him now but he has to face the truth... move on and dont have to feel bad at all
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@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Yeah actually im thinking bout giving his time for him to talk and take it all off out of his chest. And all i will be doing is to listen to him and make him feel that no matter what i will be here for him and that i will always support his actions.When hes pretty much calm i will tell him bout how good and lucky he is to be with his kind parents right now and that his love for them should remain no matter what
@grace24 (1050)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Well, it is a hard situation. Me, too..I don't know what to say. I don't know what kind of advice that I can give. I think all you can do is to stay on his side and listen to everything he says. Just listen to him, and when he cools down that's the time for you to talk with him. For me, I think there's nothing wrong if he is adopted at least the parents who adopted him treated him like their own son for 23 years. He must be thankful to the parents who adopted him. But the problem is why did his parents didn't tell him about this? Does he wants to see his biological parents? Maybe he is hurt by the fact that he is only adopted. But that's not that important if he is only adopted as long as they are happy. Being part of the family doesn't mean that you need to be related with each other. They can love each other as a true family.
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@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
I also think thats the best thing that i should be doing right now, to stay by his side and the willingness to listen to whatever it is that he has to say or to tell me. Sometimes people just want someone to be there for them in times like this...Someone who will listen , i might not agree with some of his ways but the mere fact that im listening shows how much he means to me as a good friend.Thanks for sharing your ideas with me my friend
@nangisha (3496)
• Indonesia
30 Apr 10
Hi Setsuna. Well they adopted your friend doesn't meant his adopted parent don't love him. In our family I have few adopted cousins and they told they adopted at the age seven when they big enough to understand. My mom always said adopted is choice of love, she say I born from her wound but adopted child born from heart.
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
You got that right, he might be adopted but the fact that hes still loved by his parent is a huge thing already . Im just waiting until its finally calmed down then im going to tell him bout how lucky he is and that he have loving parents with him right now and all the good stuff too . Thanks for joining my friend
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Hi Setsuna, Listen to him....give him comfort and tell him exactly that in his 23 years...he was loved,cared & pampered by his adopted parents....of course biological parents are different but what love he can get from them was also given to him by his known parents & maybe more than that... I have a cousin who was adopted by my aunt...we never treated her as different from us but she is the one whose not reaching out,we tried to talk sense to her yet she tried to rebel against them,look for her biological parents but found that she is lucky enough to be adopted by my aunt as she was given everything.and now she is back with them & closer to us now.. We adopted a baby boy 4 yrs ago...she is under my sister's name...I love him same as my daughter...we are planning to tell him when he starts to understand...hopefully he will not take it easy...
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Hello shenlynn, Yes thats what i will be doing from now on i will always be at his side as much as i can to help him out with this crisis that hes going through.He feels he dont know who is he this time.Its as if all his beliefs about his parents went down the drain. I know whatever i say right now wont be heard because his emotions are too high .I will wait for the right time when hes calmed down to tell him bout the love of his known parents to him and that even if they are not his biological parents they still love him unconditionally .Thank you for imparting such good advice too my friend
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
for me i will comfort him first, let him calm down and when he feels a bit alright i will ask this question to him: do your guardian loves you? do you really want to know who is your real parents?, if he answer yes to both question i will tell him then if your guardian loves you you will understand their reason and you must to to them and try to ask your real parents to them maybe they will tell it because they understand what you feel, and i will him that i'm pretty sure why his guardian hide this truth from him, no parent/guardian will let their kids down after saying this advice to him, i will convince him to talk and open his feelings to his guardian i'm sure he will be relieve
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@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Indeed, to comfort someone whose in need of help is indeed generous and only shows that your a real friend indeed. And after everything is calmed down already then maybe you can talk him out of how lucky he can be for having good parents with him right now. That even though they are not his own yet he was loved as if he is their own too.I just wish everything will be well with him pretty soon too
@acey76 (1276)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Hi! Setsuna, First of all, I want to let you know that I am also adopted.. I'm 34 now and I found out when I was 32..I don't think being adopted is a problem I take it as a blessing to me God has given me parents that has taken care of me as If I were their own children though a part of you like to know who is your biological parents...thats but natural but to bear anger to your biological parents that not good....maybe they have their own reason why they have done that..maybe at that time they dont know what to do and are afraid that they cannot bring a life that you deserve..... Just explain these things and I know somehow he will understand maybe right now he is just shocked to find out that he was adopted.Hope this will not lessen the love his giving to her adoptive parents. =)
1 person likes this
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Im glad that your honest and that you shared your part of the story too, i know there are alot of people with the same situation like you and my friend. And sometimes people accept these kinds of stuff with open heart and with an open mind but sadly some doesnt. My friend is just like you hes willing to accept the fact and just live by the truth its just that right now hes still in shock of the truth. Thats why ive decided to stay by his side to make him feel good until the time comes that he will be able to face the day with a smile again. As i told him nothing changed at all the love of his adoptive parents we as his friends and all the other stuff are still the same. Hope he feels well pretty soon thanks for sharing your great story too my friend
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
I guess it's really hard for him to accept the fact, that he was an adopted. If Im in your place, probably I will tell him that he's not the only one who has the same problem. Maybe he is too lucky to have a second parents with the couple who adopted him. There are some reasons why some things happened in our life. Much better ask his second parents about the real story of his life. In that case he will find the answer that he is looking for. Just be thankful coz there are people who take care of him.
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Yes there are things that do happens in this life that is not within our control at all.And we should learn how to cope and understand the situation most of the time too.Yes the truth can be painful most of the time but we just cant do anything bout it but to accept it and live by it. Only be then we will be free. When we calms down a bit i will try my best to make him realize how lucky and how grateful he should be for having such wonderful parents that even though he is not their own they still loved him all the way
@ANTIQUELADY (36440)
• United States
30 Apr 10
tELL HIM HE SHOULD BE THANKFUL HE WAS ADOPTED BY GOOD PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN GOOD TO HIM.I know it's a shock to him but tell him to count his blessings, something so many people don't do to start with.
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Yup ma'am i will definitely tell him bout that and i think i would have to wait until hes a lil bit calmed down already. Right now hes still in a state of shock and no matter what i say might not get through to him at all. After his confusion and a lil bit of anger subsides then maybe i can tel him how lucky he can be not because hes adopted but because hes with a very loving couple who loved him as their own
@Edzornam (138)
• Ghana
30 Apr 10
OK, so LIFE GOES ON. it is not the end of life to find out after 23 years that your parent are not your biological parents. Cool, What happend to his real parent? and in all cases, the reality is that he must remain appreciative to the foster parents and move on in life. LIFE GOES ON BRO!!!
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
1 May 10
Yes good point life goes on but sometimes we need to consider how good or bad life goes on indeed. Like there are times that people do bad things and yet they are not aware of it we should take into consideration what we do and what we feel as well and not just moving on like as if nothing happend at all. If someone whose experiencing the same situation as me friend and you tell this person cool, life goes on, i dont think that person will be asking for your advice anymore...Indeed he need to appreciate the things that his adoptive parents did to him but first things first we need to make him feel first that we are with him in this trying time for him.We should let him feel that we are willing to listen to what he has to say and then give whatever piece of advice that we can give as well
• China
30 Apr 10
You are a nice friend.In my opinion,what you may do is to stay with him and listening.No matter who face such situation, he could not accept the truth. He will feel upset as the parents who he has been staying with for 23 years finally come to be not his biological parents.he need time to handle it.
@setsuna26 (2751)
• Philippines
30 Apr 10
Thank you for the compliment, yes you are right, its not that simple to accept that kind of fact in life at all i mean we need to carefully understand everything and try to keep these kind of people close to us so that they wont be feeling bad bout themselves and so that they know that no matter whats the truth about their true parents we still care for them and that the friendship still stands and nothings changed at all .Thanks for sharing your idea