I feel my life is coming to its End....

@chiyosan (30205)
Philippines
May 4, 2010 11:35pm CST
I am currently in a not so good time. I have thought about this all the time and I always come down to a not so good decision, and all the more i think about my situation, the more i feel i need a break. My lie is a mess and I believe there are few things to "NONE" that i can do to help me get out of my boring life. I am earning quite well, but 90% of my money goes to my family - I never even had enough for myself and this saddens me even more. I am always feeling that my life is such a shame that I do not even have 500 bucks in my wallet everyday - the best i got is 50 pesos! I have a boyfriend who tells me it is going to end soon - but i feel he never really understands what i am feeling because he was never in my situation. I feel that even if i have friends, even if i have my boyfriend, I am ALONE to suffer. My work is okay - but it drains me, and my strength. I barely have enough strength to make it home every day and all I get from home is my mom who nags all the time. It is never quiet at home... I feel i need to go, and find my own peace. I need my life to feel that it is peaceful, worth living, worth every tears i shed just to make it to another day. I may have not said enough but it burdens me to keep this all in my head. I feel my back is always aching, my head aches almost every day... I feel my body is giving away... and I am almost happy to give in - I wish the only way for me to be peaceful is rest forever and never wake up. I have even prayed never to have waken up, but i always seem to still open my eyes each day... Have you ever felt this way? Is it normal for people to go through this things, these kinds of thoughts, feelings of being useless, helpless, and not important? Do we ever get out of this kind of situation?
5 people like this
15 responses
@Lewejsam (65)
• Philippines
5 May 10
Hi there chiyosan! I've asked God to take my life too some time ago. Thankfully, He didn't and I'm still alive now, reading your post. I'm only twenty-two (a bit younger than you. Hehe.) and so I won't say that I know exactly how you feel. I've been in a point of so much loneliness in my life. I felt that no one -- not my mother or father; not my friends; nobody -- understood what I was going through. And so here's what I did: I poured out all my complaints and frustrations before the Lord. I complained to Him, argued with Him, and cried out to Him. I wanted to make Him see that He was being unfair to me. After that (though not immediately), I felt much better. What I realized now is that He wasn't being unfair. He just wanted me to talk to Him. You asked, "Do we ever get out of this situation?". This is all I can say: I did, by God's help. =)
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
10 May 10
thank you lewejsam. I will keep that in mind - i know we will be able to get out of any hole no matter how deep it is.. i will keep my faith. thank you.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
11 May 10
You're welcome, chiyosan.
1 person likes this
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
5 May 10
hello chiyosan. first of all you are not useless. from what i gather you are providing for your family (your mom and two irresponsible brothers). i know that in our culture (Filipino) families stay close-knit; sometimes too close-knit that it can be suffocating. it might be a good idea for you to put some distance between yourself and your family. they may have come to be too dependent on you and maybe it's time to wean them. find your own place? get a job abroad? you know your situation best and i think only you can decide how far you are willing to take it. i think you deserve to live your own life. good luck.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Have a wonderful time in mylot! Apologies for my late response to the discussion.. Thank you so much for your time... hehe see you around. God bless you always.
@sid556 (31003)
• United States
5 May 10
You sound very depressed. it could be that you just need to gear up and make some big changes in your life or possibly you are clinically depressed and should talk to a doctor? I have felt that way briefly at times in my life and usually it is a signal for me to re-evaluate my situation and make some changes in my life.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Have a wonderful time in mylot! Apologies for my late response to the discussion.. Thank you so much for your time... hehe see you around. God bless you always.
@rajaiv0810 (1013)
• Philippines
5 May 10
Hi Chiyosan! I can almost feel you now because I had been in that situation before. Well, if I have to think about it nothing really changed a lot in our household. I am still the major bread winner and we are all still living in one house (my family and my mom). My mom had a lot of financial problems before that the tendency was that I had to cover for those. Almost all of my earnings would just go for loans and endless loans to be paid. I felt very depressed that even my relationship with my husband had been affected. I even came to a point that I wanted to bump my car just to finish everything. It didn't help that my job was so stressful and wouldn't even allow me to have some time for myself. I found myself crying in the middle of the road and I couldn't even continue to drive anymore. My mom is somehow a nagger too and most of the times she would just get down to my nerves. My husband at that time was not that helpful too, he would always come home late drunk and would just sleep without even asking how I was. How I wanted to leave everybody, but I can't because I couldn't bear leaving my two children. They were the one who gave me strength and motivation and kept me to continue. I said to myself I can't continue to act like that because I might fall into depression and I could be crazy. I was so worried about my children. I had to find myself and I had to do things which would make me happy. I asked myself then what could make me happy? My answers, I need to have more money, I need to find a job which is not stressful, I need more time for myself and my children, I need to fix my relationship with my husband. I simply couldn't escape reality and since leaving them is not an option might as well deal with it in a positive way. I tried my best to shift my mindset and to think positively more often. I found a better paying job which allowed me to stay at home to be with my children and to have more time for myself. The first 3 things were answered immediately by having this job now. My relationship with my husband is still on the process although I could say we are more in a better condition than before. Since I am stress free I am more patient with the people around me and I could say that I became a better person and not the negative one. I shared this experience with you to let you feel that you are not the only person who felt so alone and sad before. But it is only you who can change that. Try to find a better job which would make you feel happy and worthwhile. You are still single and I think it would be easier for you to leave your home. Think of yourself first Chiyosan and that is not being selfish. Don't wait for the time to come that you have nothing left inside to give. Love yourself first before anybody else even if they are your family. Don't give up in finding your happiness. Take care!
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Apologies that i have replied this late. =) Thank you and I really appreciate your time to respond in the discussion. hehe really sorry for that. hope you have a great day at mylot. God bless you!
1 person likes this
@rsa101 (16193)
• Quezon City, Philippines
5 May 10
Well I am sorry that you are feeling that way about life. Life should not be like that at all. Well to start things off, you can start by making a one on one talk with your mom. Tell her how you feel right now, if she is totally dependent on you financially let her feel that you are doing all you can to provide for the family and tell her what is left with you just to provide for them. Don't allow yourself from torturing yourself further by saying and feeling that you are trap, useless or anything of that sort of things because it will continue to haunt you and make you depress further. Ending your life is just a form of escapism from reality and it actually won't solve your problem.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Have a wonderful time in mylot! Apologies for my late response to the discussion.. Thank you so much for your time... hehe see you around. God bless you always.
1 person likes this
@bdugas (3581)
• United States
5 May 10
You apppear to be old enough to hold a job, so I assume that you are old enough to move out on your own. I too at one time had to live at home for awhile, and yes they expected me to give them what I made in pay. I didn't mind helping to pay my share, there is food and clothes to be washed and water bills to pay. but it never seemed to be enough, I was so glad when I could finally find a place of my own, where I could sit down and just be at peace. One thing you never want to do is give up. And believe me there are a lot of us that don't have 500 bucks in our pockets every day, that is hard to do for most of us. Don't ever let anyone beat you down to thinking you are not worth it, you are a person and you deserve to be happy. Your b/f apparently never went through hard times so he probably don't understand what it is like. He should be helping you. There is too much good to want to not wake up in the morning, there are people that are fighting to stay alive, with cancer and they don't give up. Times are hard for all of us right now, but you can only make it better by changing the way you are living, no one can do it for you, if it is bad at home, move, even if it is to a one bedroom or a efficency appartment, at least it will be your own and you can have peace. But you must take the first step. You are worth it so don't let anyone drag you down.
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
5 May 10
Oh! Thank you very much! I appreciate your words of encouragement. I feel everyone's told me the same thing... I nee dto get my life back and to feel happy that I can stand on my owm. I just worry too much and I worry for my mom who's going to be lef alone with my irresponsible brothers... if i live by myself =( I will need to gather courage to do this. Actually was thinking of applying for a job some other places where i will need to stay in a different place. I am still planning on that though. =(
1 person likes this
@libramie (562)
• Philippines
5 May 10
Kindly change your views of life. You can enjoy the living without anyone relying on. You must be the first fan of yourself don't wait others console you. You must be proud of yourself that you'll help your family financially and mother is a mother, try to consider her and give her peace and if not coz its her natural or causing family problem try to consider her voice as music of your ear. Don't escape the situation but to adopt it then it goes smoothly. No one's useless or helpless in this world.
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
5 May 10
THank you for giving me hope. I am not trying or waiting for any one to console me. I think nothing can console me anymore. I have been in this situation for the longest time and i feel you are right - i need to step up and do something about this. I am proud that i am able to help my family but i am sad at the same time that they make me feel that it is not enough. =( it really saddens me everytime that I have no other extra income.
1 person likes this
@garneta (185)
• Philippines
5 May 10
i was once in that situation before and i feel like alone and can't find the right person to rely on then i want to kill myself just to end up everything but i realized there are more people out there who has a bigger problem than mine and im luckier than those who got nothing to eat, who live in the streets and being maltreated. Its how you view life, just always put in mind everything happens for a reason and one day you will see your self happy.
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
5 May 10
I hope that day will be sooner... I feel i am running on a cliff and i am about to fall anytime now. I need my life to turn around now! I wonder how i can do this? =(
1 person likes this
@j12345 (163)
• New Zealand
5 May 10
I too have felt these particular feelings that you are held with. Working hard- for what??? Coming home- to drama!! Boyfriend- never understands everything I have done for his comfort.... what got me through??? my children... my beautiful boys sent to me from God especially for the purpose of making my life worth living! My advice .... and it might sound like advice you could read on the horoscopes in a magazine... but it is so relevant!! LISTEN TO YOUR HEART
1 person likes this
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
5 May 10
that is exactly what i am feeling - coming home to drama.. my mom always makes me feel stupid about her feelings that she is left at home (she points out that she gets tired being at home and doing all the work at home). It is just such a burden to me know listening to her nagging me, my brothers... its just intolerable. Thank you for your advise, i will try my best to think right and to find myself again - i am really having a heavy heart and an air filled mind right now , i can't seem to think right and i feel like my head's floating!
1 person likes this
@Devilova (5396)
• Indonesia
23 Sep 10
As a daughter or son, we have to be passion to our parents. Specially to our mother, even sometimes we get hard to deal with. But remember, we won't be like this without them. Mother have born us, take care of us from the pre-life until we became a person. Did you ever calculate the money that She has used to make you became like right know. Did you calculate the times, energy and the passion that She gave to you?? Did you ever think about that?? If you think that you are in the lower point of your life. You should happy with it, cause there is no way except to raise up. If it still get worse, means you are not in the lower of your life. If it still not raise, may be it's only a matter of time. Grew up Galz
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Apologies that i have replied this late. =) Thank you and I really appreciate your time to respond in the discussion. hehe really sorry for that. hope you have a great day at mylot. God bless you!
@LittleMel (14055)
• Canada
6 May 10
yes I have felt like that. and yes I do get out of it. you need to cut down your expenses. eliminate what is not necessary even for you. that way you have more money to set aside for yourself. your work is Okay, so just keep it. it pays the bills anyway if you live in your parents house, then all you can do is tell your mom stop nagging and chances are she won't but if you can afford it, move out with friends, maybe co worker if you move out, then your family can't claim the money you earn because you don't eat or use their hydro, gas whatever bills your boyfriend doesn't understand you, well you can't change him let him go, and find yourself a new one or enjoy being single without the need to explain yourself to anybody
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Have a wonderful time in mylot! Apologies for my late response to the discussion.. Thank you so much for your time... hehe see you around. God bless you always.
@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
6 May 10
Why do I have this feeling that I share your burden and I do really understand your sad predicament. You are just like my older sister who is a teacher. She become our sole provider for our foods and since I have an illness I could not even help her in terms of financial matters. All her salary will spent on our family needs. Sometimes she would go tired and say something that can hurt myself and I would just take it aside knowing it's hard working everyday and you have no money for your own self. I can feel your pain and your sacrifice because I have a sister who are just like you. Someday you will have the light you been waiting for just don't give up.
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
10 May 10
just understand her... you know it is really frustrating that for my 10 years of working ( i am still singe) i haven't got an amount saved in the bank.. i am sure your sister is sometimes feeling the same too, and that makes her feel bad too and well sometimes maybe not aware that she is hurting you already with what she is saying. I always try to kepe my mouth shut here at home - its just that even that, nobody notices my sufereing - i am silent and i am only able to share this here... =( thank you for being able to understand my situation - what seemed like hopeless... right? i wish you and your family well.
• United States
5 May 10
You need to be more selfish. You need to do more for yourself. To keep your peace of my mind, to keep sanity, to enjoy life again. Treat yourself to a massage, do yoga, anything you like! Clear your mind. I do not know your family, or your situation exactly, but if your mother is always nagging you, you need to get her out of your life. Yes, even if she is your mother. Get away from the negative people that bring you down. 'Never waking up' is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't do it.
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Have a wonderful time in mylot! Apologies for my late response to the discussion.. Thank you so much for your time... hehe see you around. God bless you always.
@RachelleNH (1408)
• United States
5 May 10
Aww. I'm sorry you have to go through it..Life can sure be trying sometimes. I've felt that way-that maybe my family would be better off without me...but I won't give up..No matter how bad it gets, I've come this far and by golly-I'm fighting til I'm 80. I agree that no matter how many friends you have or how good you're love is-you still have to go through it alone. I think you need something that makes you feel good-something to look forward to. You are not rewarding yourself enough for your efforts-even if it's new makeup-something to credit your efforts and help you feel appreciated. Happy Mother's day to you!
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
27 Jan 13
Apologies that i have replied this late. =) Thank you and I really appreciate your time to respond in the discussion. hehe really sorry for that. hope you have a great day at mylot. God bless you!
• India
5 May 10
Yeah, I had this feeling. Life seemed quite unbearable to me. I was numb with pain. Recollection of past seemed to be the only thing I was doing all day. Yes, I was actually living in the past, which was horrible. I was about to lose my sanity. But then I decided to change my perspective. I knew that the world will never change, but as its only existence is through our senses, if we can change our sensations to them, we can actually change the world around us. As soon as I realized this, I started working on it. Look at me now. I am always happy and untouched by fear, sorrow, anger almost all the time. Thanks to God.
@chiyosan (30205)
• Philippines
5 May 10
thank you for your response... YES, that is right we need to trust in God to keep our sanity intact. I feel though that i have no one to turn to.. i might have neglected to feel and see that God might just be waiting for me to go to him.