I'm So Fed Up Of Living Like This - But I Can't Let Go :( / myLot

May 12, 2010 3:08pm CST

I apologize in advance for the next part of this discussion, cos I really feel like ranting right now, I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this, but I feel like i am stuck. Basically I am in a relationship with a guy that I have been with for just over 4 years... I love him so much, more than anything in the world, and I would do anything for him. We also have a 1 year old little boy together, and he means the world to us both. The problem is, I am fed up with us living apart... he lives a 10 minute drive from me, and comes and visits during the day once a week, and stays over Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights. I spend my week looking forward to Thursday night. I know I shouldn't be feeling like that, and although I am 30, I actually sometimes feel like a kid. All I want is for us to bring up our little boy together, rather than live separate lives, and have our little boy miss out on time with his Daddy. His reasons for living like this are simply, because he prefers to live his life the way he always has, and that he has lived alone for so long, that he does not think that he could change. Well for me, I am fed up of living like this, and I want some kind of commitment from him... I'm not asking for marriage, I'm just asking for a more committed relationship for the sake of myself and our son. What seems so simple for me, seems too hard for him. I am even scared of bringing this conversation up now, because I know he hated talking about it. He is a great Dad, and our little boy is absolutely besotted with him, but why can't he just be a full time dad to him instead of a part time one. I feel so frustrated, I feel that I should leave him, but I don't want to do that because then our son would miss out on time with his dad, and I would be throwing away the man that I love with all my heart.

2 people like this

14 responses

cream97

@cream97 (29087)

• United States

12 May 10

Hi, rosie230. He needs to marry you. And he needs to try to see his son more often than he does. If he prefers to live his life the way that he has, then he should have never laid down and created a baby with you. Once he has done that, everything has changed. He can't avoid the fact that he has made a child with you. He has to be a full time daddy, not a part time daddy. I find it very strange that he can does not want to commit with you but he wants to see his son on certain days. Why can't he just come around everyday? I don't get this guy. If you want to be closer and he does not want to be, then you will just have to raise your son without him. There is no need to stick with him if he does not want to spend more time with you. I know that you don't want to leave him, but sooner or later you may find yourself doing so.

bigal3

@bigal3 (1231)

• Thailand

13 May 10

You can lead a horse to water but cannot make it drink. If she starts to pressure him to marry her and "settle" down she and the baby will both lose. Too many times women put themselves into that situation and it brings nothing but "RESENTMENT" from the man. If he is not for her and she is not for him they need to peacefully come to that conclusion. He will still be the baby's father with that he has all the responsibility that goes with that title. He is more likely to meet those obligations if he has no resentment for her. Who knows he might even realize what he had while he was out and about. "YOU DO NOT MISS YOUR WATER UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY."

rizzu87

@rizzu87 (860)

• Malaysia

15 May 10

I think you should first give a try talking to him about living together to him. Dont force him just say that you would really love to live with him. and if he says no then just dont be angry or spoil your mood. Just try it over time again and agian. hopefully he will agree to live with you.

EnglishTeaDuck

@EnglishTeaDuck (862)

• United States

13 May 10

I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know if living with someone who doesn't want to is the right answer, as you cannot force him and he may well end up just resenting you and then your little boy may lose his Dad if he left completely, so I see your dilemma. But can I say, I think this guy sounds incredibly selfish. I know that may be hard to accept when you love him, but he basically has got himself a baby and a woman when it suits hum, and has kept his own life and freedom to do as he pleases with no proper commitment to you. Best of both worlds. As someone said, he shouldn't be having babies if he is not prepared to make that commitment. Emotionally, I would say, 'leave' but I understand that it is not that simple. However, if you did leave the relationship, it sounds like maybe he would still be a good Dad, but then you would be free to find someone who is prepared to give you the commitment you deserve. I wish you happiness and health for you and your little boy, whatever the outcome.

jmichaelm

@jmichaelm (55)

• Philippines

13 May 10

maybe he just dont want to be sick of you thats why he dont always stay with you, or the other way around. maybe he thought that not spending his whole time with both of your son is a way to make your relationship with him run for long, like when he comes to stay with you, both of you use the time to enjoy each other rather than he do stays for good but it just make you both fight or quarrel since you always see each other,.. sorry for my bad english, cant express what i want to say in english very well but i just mean like when you always eat something, you'll feel not happy about it and fed up.. yeah something like that, hope you understand what im trying to picture. goodluck

bigal3

@bigal3 (1231)

• Thailand

13 May 10

I can relate to your situation but from the other side of the coin. I was in a relationship for over eight years and I was a single father with two children. Sometime you just have to bring the issue to a head and deal with it. By that I mean either the two of you will get it togather or not. Does he have another love interest accross town? Could he be afraid of a permanent committment? I feel you need to sort those questions out. If you continue on the path you are on in this relationshp you both may grow to resent eachother. He will start to feel pressured and you will feel resentful because you are staying home taking care of your child and he is out and about. This will do none of you any good; you,him or the baby. I think the two of you should sit down and discuss what it is you expect from eachother and if you both find you cannot come to a loving solution for the situation agree to disagree and go your own ways. I know that is not an easy thing to do especially when you really LOVE someone and have a child. I've been there and to this day I regret I did not have the sense to do that then. If you continue down the road you are on eventually one or the other of you will build up resentment about the situation you are in and that leads to bad feelings. The person that gets hurt as a result of that is the baby. How do you feel about that?

abolystic

@abolystic (79)

• Russian Federation

13 May 10

You will make the right choice. Your love will change him.

patgalca

@patgalca (18180)

• Orangeville, Ontario

12 May 10

I can sort of understand. My husband was a real party guy and didn't stop after our baby was born. But then when I developed fibromyalgia he had to step up to the plate and become a real father and husband. (See? There is a silver lining to every cloud.) However, I would be a little suspect as to what he is doing the rest of the week when he is not with you. If he works long hours and goes out with the guys after work, that's one thing. I couldn't help but suspect that he might be seeing someone else. But that's just me. Have him reassure you that is not the case. The real truth of the matter is that most guys don't want to grow up. They want to continue to be party animals and have their toys and games (golf comes immediately to mind for me). If your boyfriend was living with you full-time but gone 4 days/evenings of the week off playing with his friends, would you feel any better? You can pray that he will grow up, accept him the way he is, or move on. One thing my husband said to me a long time ago (when he broke up with me after our first go-round) was why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? It's a very good point. Think hard on that one and see if your boyfriend REALLY wants to be with you. Good luck.

sid556

@sid556 (30960)

• United States

13 May 10

Hi rosie, I understand both you and your boyfriend's thinking. I am a woman and I would prefer to live apart and look forward to seeing each other. I also understand that there are probably more people that like you, would prefer a more traditional relationship of living together or getting married. Personally, I would not leave a man who I really loved and that loved me and treated me right for the reason you listed. But that's me. If I read you right, you are considering leaving him because he prefers to live apart and spend 4 days a week together? And he also comes to visit on another day? I know it isn't the same as living together but it does sound as if he is very devoted and committed to you. If you break up with him, you won't even have those 4 days to look forward to. I mean, sure, you could find a guy who would be willing to live with you. Will he love you and your son the way this guy does? These are things to think about. This is a great place to vent and toss about ideas and I'm glad that you did that before just breaking off with him. You love him with all your heart. It sounds as if he has compromised by staying at your place those nights. And who knows what the future holds?

love

SydneyHazelton

@SydneyHazelton (4586)

• Singapore

12 May 10

Hi Rosie, I know how you feel. I'm in a different situation but may have similar consequences to your situation. I love my husband a lot, and we have a little girl to take care of. But things are not looking good and there is a possibility that my daughter will have a part-time daddy like you. And yes, it is hard to let go.

I don't know how things will turn out for me or you. But LetranKnight on mylot here says to pray and leave the rest to GOD. Let us do that.

@sleepylittlerose (1648)

• United States

12 May 10

You need to let him know how you feel. If not it will simply eat away at you until you make a rash decision and you both get hurt. If he can not talk to you about the way you are feeling then he probably isn't a long term player anyway. Or at least not one you will want around long term.

Ladyslipper

@Ladyslipper (1327)

• Philippines

13 May 10

Well, it's obvious that your man is not ready for commitment. It also seems to me that you love him so much and you're just there waiting for him to be ready to finally commit his self to you and your son. This is a very hard situation. I am salute you for being that brave and strong. However, it seems that in some ways you are hurting. It seems like deep inside you is the longing for your family to be completed in a literal and physical sense just like other normal families in the sense defined by our society. You love him and that's the problem. If you don't love him anymore there will be no problem because you won't care whenever he shows up as long as he is doing his part as a Dad to his son. This is a normal set up for parents who are separated or who did not marry at all and have chosen to live on their own and even have a family of their own. They don't have a problem with this kind of set up because they only have emotional attachment with their child and no more romantic attachment between the two of them. However, in your case it's obvious you care for him too much. I can't say let him go or move on. However, if It would be me in your situation I'd rather let him go and give my self a chance to be happy and love someone else. I will not be contented with this kind of set up. However, it's still up to you if you can live on like this. We are two different individuals with different beliefs, outlook in life and personality. I just hope you would remain strong and positive always. Take care!

rinzgca

@rinzgca (316)

• Philippines

12 May 10

Well, I don't blame you for feeling that way. I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend acts that way. I guess, these are just some problems you encounter when you have a son before marriage. The real commitment isn't there when it should already be. But oh well, it is done. You are in a hard situation, but I guess, you should talk about it with him. You did say he might get annoyed. But might as well now, than later.

rinzgca

@rinzgca (316)

• Philippines

12 May 10

zerrywang

@zerrywang (17)

• China

13 May 10

Personally,I think that your boyfriend just doesn't want to grow up,and the reason that he doesn't make a commitment to you maybe because he feels it difficult to keep his promises in a long-term relationship .Or probably he is just a guy who lacks a sense of responsibility for a family that seems so important to you,thinking too much about himself,but failed to care about your feelings. A big conversation is necessary and inevitable sooner or later,because what you want is so different.I'm not in a relationship,so I can't get some stuff really clear.I really hope you get through it and move forward.Best wishes.

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