Why Do I Make Life Difficult For Myself?

@Janey1966 (24127)
Carlisle, England
May 13, 2010 9:20am CST
I am my own worst enemy. I put imaginery obstacles in my path because I can't face up to being out in the real world. I let my cousin mess about with my CV. She told me that the dates were not necessary due to most of my jobs being short-term so she grouped them into periods of years instead of dates. This has been a mistake because I no longer have my original CV. That was wiped off the system when a guy "fixed" my computer recently. Therefore I am screwed as employers like to know dates. If I had to go look for them I would have to dig out many of my diaries, an uphill task. This is what I mean about the "obstacles." I have two more for you. John had a job for me at his place of work. I worked there for a day and haven't been back since. I told him that I am waiting for a letter off the doctor regarding my recent spell in hospital with chest pains. I use this as an excuse not to work...I go on about the fumes there, something that I would normally take in my stride. My chest pains haven't come back since my spell in hospital so why do I make it sound more serious (to John at least) than it really is. What am I scared of? My Mum told me over the phone about a job in the office that is based at the school she works at. I made a botch-up of filling this form in - on purpose. Why? Because it had the word "receptionist" as part of the job title and it put me off filling it in properly. The dates from my CV are non-existent so I couldn't fill in that part of the form acccurately either. How on earth do I explain this to my Mum, who is only trying to help me find a job, as is my husband? I spend so much time on my own these days that I am slowly becoming a recluse, not really WANTING to go out. Is anyone else like this? Am I depressed? What's wrong with me? I don't want to take pills like anti-depressants, I just want to feel like I WANT to contribute to society, I WANT to earn money for myself and to help John out. At the moment I don't give a t*ss about anything. I would sincerely love John to come back to Blackpool with me but I know it will never happen as he is settled here. However, I was settled in my job in Preston but chose to give it all up to live in Carlisle with John. The sacrifices we make for love..sometimes I wonder why we bother!
6 people like this
7 responses
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 May 10
sounds like you are homesick and at least a little bit depressed too. Why not make some time to go and fetch those dates and then start looking around for a job again. Hopefully you will meet some people and that will help, but one step at a time...
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
I am homesick, you are right on that score. My Dad is in his 70s now and I don't see him as often as I would like. Even moreso now because he's only gone and paid for me and Mum to watch Blackpool at Wembley a week on Saturday. I can't believe how sweet he is at times and I'm stuck here unable to give him the hug he deserves for such a lovely gesture. At least I've managed to retrieve my original CV which I'm very pleased about.
2 people like this
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
13 May 10
I recognize the symptoms. I moved here from LA 4 1/2 years ago and it still doesn't feel like home... Glad you were able to retrieve your information!
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
14 May 10
So was I!
1 person likes this
@commanderxo (1496)
• Canada
13 May 10
Well...you've basically said told yourself, "what's wrong", if you just take a look at your last comment. You gave up a good job that you enjoyed, in order to be with John. Now, you don't have the desire to actually "look" for a job, because subconsciously, you don't believe you'll find another one, like the one you gave up. My suggestion to you is this: Think of something you like doing that only YOU can call yourself an expert on, and do that. Not ALL good jobs are found, "out there". Many people work from their own home, and make a "contribution" as you put it, by doing just that. You'll be happier...without the sacrifice, and John, will love you for your supportive creativity. cdrxo
• Canada
13 May 10
...sorry... ...that's said / told yourself... Cheers; cdrxo
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
Thank you for that supportive comment. I'm silly feeling sorry for myself like this. Fortunately, I'm not like that ALL THE TIME as it would drive everyone mad, including the wonderful people on MyLot! Thanks so much.
2 people like this
• Canada
14 May 10
You're welcome. One thing though...never apologize for your true feelings. Emotions CAN be controlled, by simply telling ourselves, when we've had enough. The good news is, you're human, and learning often comes from making mistakes. After all, why else would they put erasers on the ends of pencils? Cheers; cdrxo
@hofferp (4739)
• United States
13 May 10
Have you discussed going back to Blackpool with John or have you only assumed he'd say "no"? I'd let him know I'm not happy and then tell him the truth...just like you did here. Surprisingly, he may consider going to Blackpool. BUT would your job back at Preston still be there? You may be longing for something that just isn't there any longer. You may just have to "suck it up" and move forward. I'd also discuss your lack of energy with the doctor. I think depression is part of the problem...
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
The one thing that annoys me the most is that everything is "happening" now in Blackpool. At one time it was as depressing to live there as it is in Carlisle but money is now being spent on the place and it's been transformed since I left! Also, the football team will be playing at Wembley a week on Saturday in a final and if they win they shall be playing the likes of Man Utd and Liverpool next season in the Premiership. However, my parents must be psychic. My Mum rang me earlier to tell me that Dad has paid for 2 tickets for both me and Mum to go to the very match I just mentioned! John is quite happy for me to go. As for him moving to Blackpool...well, he's the kind of person that likes to do the same job. He got made redundant from one and is now doing virtually the same in the job he has now, but on less money as the printing industry is renowned for paying its workers measly money. In my opinion he can do anything as he is brilliant on Macs (but can use PCs as well) and I do think he puts himself down at times. Believe me, I have mentioned Blackpool to him but it would be just as much a wrench him moving from here as it was for me moving from Blackpool. The job in Preston no longer exists. I do know that there have been many changes since I left so I don't think working in that particular office would be the same now. Having said that, I have worked in my hometown and loved most of the jobs I have had there, unlike Carlisle where if you don't slot in straight away you have a problem with colleagues around you. At least I have found my original CV in email communications so that has also cheered me up. Thanks for your concern, it's much appreciated that people like yourself that I have never met "look out" for me.
1 person likes this
• Philippines
13 May 10
sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do no matter how arduous the task seems to be. Sometimes we make our own problems, I have been there before too. To the point of getting mad at myself and scolding myself because I messed up and there is no one else to blame but me because I created my own problem. I also fell into depression because I started living like a recluse although I live with my family, I just tried to put on some emotional distance from them. My advice is keep busy and socialize more. Try every job and change your mindset. I always thought before that the only job I should get is the one I graduated from and nothing else. Though I held that job I wasn't happy because my heart was not in it. When I tried different jobs I found out I could do this and that and I love doing this and the money I get did not matter that much. So explore the endless possibilities right before you.
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
Thank you so much for your kind words. I'm not sure that I can change my ways overnight but I sure don't want to distance the people who love me the most, namely my husband and my Mum. I keep letting them (and myself) down and that can't go on, can it?
1 person likes this
@BarBaraPrz (20126)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
13 May 10
Do you not have even one paper copy of a previous CV? Do you do backups on your computer? There should be something there. How far back does the history go on your computer? (Mine goes back to February.) If you emailed the previous CV to someone, you should be able to pull it up. Aren't you posting your diaries on a blog? Do a search for dates. Now, stop whinging and get to work!
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself today. Everything is happening in my hometown at the moment and I just want to be THERE and not HERE. As for my CV, backups...er, no, not as far as I know. I shall check the email history. In fact, Jill (my cousin) communicated via email anyway so I may be able to check them. I can't ring her up because I'd feel so stupid and small (she isn't the sympathetic type) and, as for the blog, well, I'm currently typing from waaay back, so any diaries that I would check are actually the ones that haven't yet been blogged that are stored in a rucksack!
1 person likes this
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
13 May 10
Do you know something? You're a GENIUS! Thank you so much for recommending that I should search through my emails for my original CV because I have FOUND IT! I've now saved it to my desktop. Unfortunately, that was AFTER sending a ridiculously bad application form for that job in Blackpool. Actually, I have an idea! Boundary School (the place where the job is) has it's own email address. I shall email my CV to them as a back-up to my application form. This isn't usually acceptable but at least they can now look at my work history. Thanks again. I owe you one!
2 people like this
@BarBaraPrz (20126)
• St. Catharines, Ontario
13 May 10
Glad to help, and if you get your dream job, have some chocolate for me. Good luck.
@reckon21 (3487)
• Philippines
14 May 10
As I happen to read your post I think you are already in the fit of depression. You worry and think about a lot of things and somehow you are right some of the hardships you been through because of your own doing and when you realized it is too late to correct mistakes. But the good thing is that you know you are wrong I guess you can start from there. Learn from your mistakes. And please don't let your newborn depression push you down harder. It will only make matter worst for you and for the people around you. So if you love yourself and your love ones fight your depression don't become a hindrance to others because they already suffer much. Think about that.
@Janey1966 (24127)
• Carlisle, England
14 May 10
Yes, I do have peaks and troughs with my moods. I'm not irritable, just a bit down although I never retreat so much into my shell that I won't talk to anybody. If John is too tired to talk I make up for this by speaking to Mum 3 times a week on the telephone. It's impossible not to respond to her as she makes me laugh so I do have positives in my life. Like you said, I have to concentrate on those instead of wallowing in self-pity.
@Danzylop (1120)
• Philippines
14 May 10
this is what makes life complicated. we have lots of questions that our unconscious mind knows the answer. just face reality and be practical.