ex husband turned up tonight

@doormouse (4619)
May 20, 2010 6:59pm CST
i've barely spoken to him in 12 years,he was horrible to me when we were married and has nothing to do with our 2 children,he's been in a lot of trouble over the last few years,but i thought he'd sorted himself out when he remarried and had 2 more kids,he didn't,he drank more,was addicted to cocaine and went to prison for assaulting a police officer,then out of the blue he rang tonight to ask how the kids were,i didn't believe him as he only normally rings to moan at me for some reason or another,but he was really plesant so i suggested he text me later and arrange a time to pop over for a chat about the kids,2 hours later he turns up on my doorstep drunk,so i invited him in,much to the disgust of my boyfriend,we had a really nice chat,he was telling me how he's made such a mess of his life and how he's jealous of me coz i have everything he wants,he now understands what he's done to our kids and how he messed up our marriage,he also admitted that he drinks too much and does'nt know how to be a father and husband,he has no friends left apart from an 87 year old man in his local pub,he's in thousands of pounds worth of debt,and he's really unhappy,but does'nt know what to do,,i want to help him as i know him better than anyone,even his wife,but i don't trust him,coz of the problems he's caused my kids and i in the past,,i thought i hated him,but i don't,i feel sorry for him,and i want to help,he's the father to 2 of my 3 kids so we'll always have that link,but i don't know,,i think i'm the best person to help him as i know him better than he knows himself just needed to tell someone,can't talk to my boyfriend,he'll go mad if i tell him how i feel
5 people like this
16 responses
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
21 May 10
This is a very delicate and difficult situation. I have no experience in this area so I can only advise you to be extremely careful. You need to worry about your current relationship and your children first and foremost. You do not want them to get hurt in any way emotionally. I can understand your wanting to help and feeling sorry for him, but he has destroyed his life himself and he needs to find it within himself to improve his life. Just try not to give him too much of yourself.
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
thanks for your advice,i will always put my kids and boyfriend first,i would never let them get hurt,and yes he has destroyed his life himself,that is why i won't give him too much,coz it's all self inflicted,cup of tea and chats is all i will give him
1 person likes this
@RawBill1 (8542)
• Gold Coast, Australia
21 May 10
That is great to hear that. Sometimes it is easy to let these people back into your life when they are appearing vulnerable, but they just suck you back into their dramas. Take care. I hope it works well for you.
@jugsjugs (13045)
21 May 10
I can see what you are saying, but just be very careful.Ask yourself this why has he only just started to want to see and chat about the kids if he rarely bothered in the past.Also ask yourself did his wife know that he had come to see you.Ask yourself this if your partners ex had rang him then text him aswell as then turned up on your door step and he invited her in or if your partner had gone to his exs to chat about things todo with the children that he has with her how would you have felt.Is there a motive behind him seeing or chatting to you tonight do you think as like you say it was out of the blue.I keep all of my exs in the past as i think that is the way it can not cause a problem with my future.Always look out for yourself and your children nothing else should matter other than your parents.
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i doubt he told his wife that he came over,and i do find it rather odd that he's suddenly started to feel all this guilt after soo many years,but like i've said before he's still the kids dad no matter what,as for me liking my boyfriend talking to his ex wife,i tell him all the time he should speak to her about their kids,i've even suggested he goes out for a drink with her and has a nice civil chat,he thinks the same as you,an ex is an ex and should stay in the past,but with me if i want to still speak to an ex then i don't see what the problem is,surely it should be my choice,it's my life no one elses,he does'nt understand that though
1 person likes this
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
21 May 10
THis is what he wants you to feel sorry for him! He needs to go talk to his wife she is the one to help him if she loves him not you. You cant take on his debts. cant help that he dont have friends thats his fault. NOt yours! He dug his hole he has to get himself out . I Would run away from him as fast as I could and not have anyythig to do with him except maybe let the kids see him but that to maybe a way to ework on you to pay his bills. Did he pay child support? Probably not! run girl run.
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
yes he pays child support,he has no choice,i have a deduction of earnings on him,i know this is not my problem but i do feel sorry for him,but there's no way i'll get sucked in again,i know him to well and i know how he works,that's why i don't trust him
@Lakota12 (42684)
• United States
22 May 10
good keep it up as you say ya know him so dont let him mess with you at all
@mr_pearl (5037)
• India
21 May 10
Hi doormouse... I can understand what you have been going through about your ex... Trust me, he has got a dual state of mind now... He wants to improve and be good, but with slightest thing gone wrong or against his mind, drives him to drink again and he becomes a bad guy, for himself and in his own eyes... I think the best solution is to make him quit drinking first... People resort to drinking when they're unable to fight with real problems or at least, they're not willing to fight... So make him understand that drinking isn't going to solve his troubles.. I am sure it will be tough for you to do this, because you've a family to look after, but you can refer him to some rehab center... Once, he quits drinking, things'll become a little easier... Hope this works!!! Good Luck!
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
what you are saying is very true,i think he knows this but because he is weak he needs someone who understands him,his mum is the most useless thing on 2 legs and his wife has only known him since he turned weird,whereas i've known him since he was 19 and not mentally screwed up,but i know i have to be carefull,i won't get too involved
1 person likes this
@carolscash (9500)
• United States
22 May 10
I have an ex boyfriend who I have a child with that has never been in trouble like this, but he is miserable in his marriage and regrets that he never had a relationship with his daughter and regrets that he hurt me like he did and tells me often that he cares, but I am happily married and I really don't care what he says although I do respect that he feels that he can talk to me. We have some history together and just like you it is easy to feel that you can help, but be careful. If this guy has been a problem in the past, he could be again.
@doormouse (4619)
22 May 10
i am planning to be carefull,i won't let him mess my life up again
• United States
21 May 10
you sound like an awesome, kind person...but some people will just cause u heart ache and pain, no matter how good your attentions are..... u ever heard of a succubus?? something that just consumes without giving back.....thats wat some people can do to you. so i suggest you just let your exhusband remain in your past instead of letting him destroy your future and that of your kids...... but what do i know.....
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
22 May 10
i am an awesome person,lol,,he can't cause me heartache any more,coz i don't have feelings for him in that way now,i don't get consumed in anything,i'm very cold hearted now,i don't have many feelings,which i find suits me just fine,,thanks for your concern
• India
21 May 10
We can understand what situation you are in. It is humane to help even if he has hurt you in the past. Maybe he just wanted a shoulder to cry on or maybe he knows you are the only person to help him. Look at both the sides of the coin. In associating with him again, what if he wrecks you current peace of mind? Think about his intentions before deciding to help him.
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
he can't wreck my peace of mind,i wouldn't let him do it again,i'm not sure what he wants from me,but i would never trust him again,and i would never get too involved in his personal life,if he wants to talk to me he can,but that's as far as it goes
@dawnald (84146)
• Shingle Springs, California
21 May 10
I"m thinking if you want to help him, tell him to get into AA. And if you want to support him in some way, you could join AlAnon. I don't think he's really going to be able to improve his life unless he stops drinking.
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i would never go to AlAon with him,that's his wifes job not mine,i may be able to talk him into going to the doctors though,he knows his life won't improve unless he stops drinking,but he's a very weak person that's why he's ended up like this
1 person likes this
@daliaj (5689)
• India
21 May 10
It is a sad situation. I understand your feelings. You can do a small help to him, but I am sure that your boy friend won't like it. But, don't help him too much and put yourself in trouble. He is the father of two of your kids, but he didn't exercise his responsibility as a father. Also, he himself is responsible for most of the troubles in his life. So, you can help him, but make sure that it should not affect your life anyway because he already kind of spoiled his life, but you have a long way to go.
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i would never let him affect my life again,he did it once before in quite a dramatic way,there's no way i'll let it happen again,thanks for your support
1 person likes this
• Philippines
21 May 10
Hi doormouse! i understand how you feel but i would like to advice you to think twice or more before you do that. Is your ex husband really sincere when he talked to you or just trying to motivate you into helping him then abuse your kindheartedness later. Just be careful.
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
he was sincere,but i don't know if he's strong enough to sort himself out,he knows i'll be honest with him and tell him what to do to sort himself out,he also knows i won't take any of his s**t,maybe that's why he came to me,who knows
1 person likes this
@elvieb02 (696)
• Philippines
21 May 10
you can help just for the sake that he is the father of your 2 children but always reserve a limitation because he might abuse your help too. help as a friend. good luck!
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i will help him but not as a friend,i'm not his friend and haven't been since he treated me so badly,i'll do it so maybe our kids will finally have a dad,which is all they have ever wanted,they have a step dad,but it's not quite the same,that's the only reason i will help
• Philippines
21 May 10
Lol. He's come clean, eh? If you wanna help him then do it. Maybe He's changed for the better. I know that he'd been awful to you and your kids in the past but always believe in change. This is a person in need and maybe you are the only one who can help him and if you turn your back on him there could be no one else left.
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
he says he's jealous of me,i have everything he wants,nice house,happiness,love and the kids,i think he realises what he actually did know,and he knows he's wrong,i don't know if he'll change but everyone deserves a second chance,he came to me coz his wife is hyoung with no experience of life,and his mum,well what can i say,she's the one that made him the way he is,i'm the only one that actually really knows him,that's why i'd never turn my back on him,even though i probably should coz of what he's done to the kids and i in the past
@yobbgsm (60)
• Brunei Darussalam
21 May 10
That's horrible, if he is really sincere he may talk not drunk...:( But forgiveness is still on the line, forgive and forget... but be careful too..
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
it would be hard to talk to him when he's not drunk,coz if he's not drunk then he's at work,anyway he's more honest when he's drunk,i can forgive but i'll never forget
@neh357 (174)
• Philippines
21 May 10
Hi doormouse, I understand that you are still concern about him, and that you have already forgiven him. Girl, that is enough. I may sound mean with this, but what is the point in helping him if HE can't even help himself? It's been 12 years! you have been living with your own life, and now that he is a mess, he suddenly turn on to you? He is already your past. You have to move on. You can be a friend to him. Period. No other helping stuff in there. You have to see first if he wants help or just sharing how he pity himself? And he had a wife, why not tell his wife? In 12 years, what did he do to himself? Go happy go lucky. He deserves what is happening to him and he can only do something if he starts sorting things out, and that is not including looking after you and sharing some bad news about how embarrassing he is. You have a good heart. But you already have your own peaceful life. Letting him go is one way of giving him your respect. Close the door in your past. Sometimes girl, goodbye's are necessary. I hope you have a good relationships moving forward.
2 people like this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i understand what you are saying,but he is still the kids dad no matter what he's done,i could speak to his wife,but she's really young and does'nt have a clue about life,i'm not planning on doing loads to help him,just a cup of tea and a chat if he needs it
@psarami (19)
• Germany
21 May 10
this is funny
1 person likes this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
why do you find this funny,i'm not having a go at you i'm just curious
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
21 May 10
doormouse, Amidst all his past and present, I think you should listen to what he has to say and want to do with himself or kids or family. Being conclusive will just make you assume more and instead of showing him the way, you may be unconsciously showing him the door. I can see that with his current situation, he probably needs some one to listen, give him some personal space and let him recover from his wounds. I suppose this is going to be another flip to a new page for him, so just be patient and hear him out. One step at a time, all of us need it.
1 person likes this
@doormouse (4619)
21 May 10
i will listen for as long as it takes,i hope he has realised the error of his ways and sorts himself out,not just for our 2 kids but the 2 kids he has with his wife,coz they are victims in this aswell,i know he loves his kids he just does'nt know how to be a dad or a husband
1 person likes this