How do you tell someone you no longer want to marry them?

@laydee (12814)
Philippines
May 23, 2010 7:44pm CST
I was talking to my partner yesterday about his friend who's preparing for a wedding. They were sweethearts for 10years now. They are far apart due to work. Now the girl is the one preparing for the wedding but the guy has second thoughts. If you were the guy and you were most certain that you didn't want to get married anymore, how would you break the news to her? If you were the girl and the guy tells you that he's no longer interested of marrying you, how would you react?
3 people like this
17 responses
@daliaj (5689)
• India
24 May 10
It is very hard to say somebody that you don't want to marry the partner after being together for 10 years. Ten years is a very long time and it will break the heart of the girl. If the guy doesn't want to continue with the marriage, it is better to tell that to the girl as soon as possible. It is not nice to say that after the preparation of wedding is done. He can better write to her about that. I'm sure he won't be able to tell that directly to her.
2 people like this
@skysuccess (8882)
• Singapore
24 May 10
laydee, Why don't you tell us more about the relationship, especially what is going on with your friend who is backing out of the marriage? I just do not believe that there's no cause for the waning of his commitment and decision to marry the girl whom he loved.
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
25 May 10
All I know is that they've been together forever. They've been together since they were in high school. She was his first love. They've been together for about 10years or more now. I think he has gotten bored of the relationship. It seems too that the girl was already over confident thus becoming demanding a lot. She'd nag a lot too - as my boyfriend tells me because they're living together. He has actually tried to flirt with women there in their area. But I think the main reason why he's marrying her because of what people tell them - since they're supposedly 'made for each other'.
• Singapore
27 May 10
laydee, There are times when a relationship running on seemingly endless marathon will find fatigue sinking in and start questioning its very existence. We all need reasons to function, regardless of how absurd the explanation might be. There are a couple of possibilities for the advert of such phenomenon. For some might even think that if fate doesn't allow both to be together, why even allow both to meet in the first place? Your friend's relationship is a litmus test for each to examine the other, if the other one is currently dating, is really the one to be. By rational thinking, most people slipped back to their comfort zone because such choices, is actually entirely a leap of faith. Blind faith. Yet, when incompatibility sets in, I suppose there's just no choice or would be foolish to hang on and bring about more unbearable pain to each other. So, if this parting is inevitable, then let this be a good parting and move on.
26 May 10
I agree he needs to eb 100% sure he doesnt want to marry her, just as he would have to be 100% sure he did want to marry her, because it is unlikely the relationship could last after he said no to marrying her. BUT on saying that if he says to her "listen, we haven't been living together for a while now due to work, how about we put the marriage on hold for a year, sort out the issue of been apart, and one of us will need to compromise, and move back in together, and then after a year we will marry" because if they live awayf rom each other, their marriage may not last anyway!
1 person likes this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
27 May 10
You have a good point there. Thanks for your response.
@qamarep (4449)
• Pakistan
24 May 10
if theres something wrong on her behalf i can tell her right on that i dont want to marry
1 person likes this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
25 May 10
Hmm... Just exactly how are you going to do that? Like would you just blurt it out to her face?
@vjenkins86 (1478)
• United States
24 May 10
If I was the girl who is told by her guy that he is not longer interested in marriage, I would be devastated. But I would have to remind myself its better to know before you say "I do" than find out later and have to go through a divorce. It would be hard, though. Good luck to your friends. That's a difficult position to be in.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
25 May 10
Indeed it's a very difficult to be in that position. The problem is that the guy would not only be breaking her heart, but there are a lot of people involved in the relationship - the whole province is even looking forward to the celebration.
@Jaluke (677)
• United States
24 May 10
That's a really tough situation to be in. First his friend needs to be absolutely sure this is what he wants. And if it definitely is, then I think that he needs to just be honest with his fiance and explain to her. It's going to hurt, but the longer he waits, the more painful it'll end up being. So it's better to break it to her now rather than later.
1 person likes this
@laydee (12814)
• Philippines
25 May 10
The one thing that I like about your response is the fact that you mentioned that he better make sure that is what he wants - because once he tells her that he doesn't want to marry her anymore, he can no longer change his mind. She will be hurt in more than one way. Prolonging the agony would not make her hurt any less. It's just sad that he has decided to marry her in the first place without him truly making sure first that his decision is final.
• Philippines
24 May 10
Hello laydee, If he's gonna break it off i'd say break it off now rather than him running away from the altar that way the girl won't be too much devastated these two better start talking. it's alright to be nervous or a bit doubtful to the upcoming wedding, just let those two talk so that they can decide together.
1 person likes this
• United States
24 May 10
Well do not break it off in an email. If you can go in person to talk it out then do so. But if it's to inconvenient at least talk things over - over the phone. If you're sure you don't want to go through with the marriage then don't go through with it. Be gentle and honest when you tell the girl. And give her an honest answer why you changed your mind. How will she feel well this differs with individuals. I doubt she will be happy about it.
1 person likes this
@Fireheart (683)
• India
24 May 10
H mm really tough situation to be in, certainly i dont want to be in that position but this is a truth that she must accept that he is no longer interested, if i were in this position i would ask her to forgive me,but since we are far apart i lost your thoughts and my mind is not to my reach to love you more,i am sorry, unfortunately am not fit to be your partner, i hope we still can be friends if you dont mind. see ya thats how i would say.
@charylady (424)
• Philippines
24 May 10
this couple should be honest to each other; they owe it to themselves. of course it will hurt but better that than to go the wedding when you don't really want to anymore. the guy should just go ahead and say whats on his mind. the girl should consider herself lucky that she will not end up marrying someone who doesn't want her anymore.
@karen1969 (1788)
24 May 10
Well, I think he has to tell her and before they get married! Of course the girl will be upset, but it is much better that this comes out now, otherwise it will be much more upsetting if they get married and it ends badly.
• India
24 May 10
I would of course be traumatized and heartbroken…10yrs is no small time but I guess the distance has eaten into their relationship. Maybe the guy has his mind set on somebody else (and frankly speaking, if this happened to me, I’d never ever forgive that guy)…the best way to break the news would be a forwarding letter maybe…explaining his side of the situation. There’s no easy way out of this situation so he has to be prepared to face the situation straight and get hurt…after all, the girl was steady and waiting for him…he has only himself to blame.
@Ladyslipper (1330)
• Philippines
24 May 10
If I were the girl definitely I will be upset with my boy friend. I would be hurt so much also. The pain would be too deep since I will not just be hurt but it will also be a shame for me. Maybe it would not be that hard if he told me before we started preparing for the wedding that he is no longer interested in marrying me. I think it will be unfair on the girls part. He should have told her earlier. At least even if the girl will be hurt too much he would be able to save her from shame.
@Jankar (583)
• Philippines
24 May 10
That's a tough one there. I don't know but if my heart truly tells me that she is not the one, or maybe if I need some time, then of course I'm really gonna tell her. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. Maybe I'll just take her to a nice dinner, make both ourselves comfortable, then afterwards take her somewhere peaceful and private where no one would bother us with our serious talk. Tell her gently about my decision and explain everything. If you really have a good reason for it, i think she would just understand, if not... well, good luck yourself.
@artistry (4154)
• United States
24 May 10
...Hi laydee. If I were the guy, first of all I would have to make sure that it was not just a case of nerves which I would think everyone who is about to get married would have a case of. If it was deeper than that and I could not see myself being married to the woman, I would have to let her know. This is a commitment for life or is supposed to be, so I would tell her as nicely and as soon as I know for sure. If I were the woman, if I loved the guy and thought that they really did not want to marry me, I would wish them well, cry and take a vacation by myself. No one should want to be with a person who did not want to be with them. It would not work. Take it easy.
• Philippines
24 May 10
That is so painful on the girl's part. I think all he needs to do is to be honest with his feelings. It will hurt the girl so badly but its better than marrying her and then regret after marriage.
@chiyosan (30206)
• Philippines
24 May 10
Well, i guess you just need to tell them straight in the eye and be honest. do not prolong the agony ( yours and the person you are suppose to marry). say it immediately and talk it over. there are sometimes just confusion in our hearts, and in our mind but i think it may be resolved when you have actually talked to the person.