To See or Not To See...

@erikmama (12934)
United States
June 7, 2010 9:33am CST
Well, as most of you know I am out of a abusive relationship after 6 years. We have a 5 year old son together. Although not physically abusive to our son, he was verbally abusive and did and said some mean things to him. Since we split he seen his son quiet often, until he got a new girlfriend.Now it has been a mont h and a half since I have heard from him.(He did text once to see him,1 day after the new girl,which wasn't exactly the right time to do that,and he knew it) I even texted and asked if he could get Erik a few things to eat til I got some money,and I didnt hear back from him.I explained to him in the text that I had nothing to eat, and he knows that thanks to him,I have noone else to ask for helo. So anyways,thats a briefing about it.Now my question for you guys is should I let him see our son when/if I do hear from him again? Erik doesn't want to see him,and I can understand why.But I know I have a lot of hostility towards the man and I dont want to be wrong in what I do. I dont think it is fair to my son to see his dad once every few months when it is conveiant for him.I feel this will hurt my son more than help him. So help me guys, what do you think?
4 people like this
9 responses
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
8 Jun 10
Hi Erikmama, Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time but glad to hear you are away from the abuse. I left an abusive marriage years ago and it does get better. Check with your local welfare to see if you qualify for emergency food stamps. Also there are food pantrys etc. Is he paying child support? As far as letting him see your son...that's a tough call. I would not force the boy to go with his father but I would not discourage him either. I really think that kids need both parents. I understand your anger but you have to be real careful to make sure the boy is not being influenced by it. If his father is only coming around once in a while then that isn't good at all. Keep track in writing of everything. You may need it if this goes to court.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
9 Jun 10
I tell him he can see his daddy if he wants to.I ask if he wants to call him, and if he needs to tal about it.I tell him that me and his daddy are not the same as him and his daddy and he is suppose to love him.He tells me he understands and since the jerk was mean to us he doesnt want to see him anymore. It really is hard b ecause I dont want to hurt my son because of a decision I made based on hating the man.I dont want to force him to go soemwhere he doesnt want to ggo, and I also dont want him to hate me in 10 years because his daddy left. In some cases a child doesnt need both paretns, especially when the ither parent is doing them harm.My poor baby.I talked about how much better I feel, but sincewe arent with him anymore I can see a sparkle in my babies eyes now.He laughs, he plays, and has stopped doing a lot of the bad behaviors he was doing. I was with him when we were at the shelter in his counseling classes asking why,crying,his daddy hated him,and thinking everyone hated him.And let me tell you that hurts.(He told Eri he hated himk).So I think,and not even based on baing mad at him,my son is better off without him,just like I am... Yes,I do get child d support,but did not this week that I needed the food.I try not to influence my son but considering all he has seen and done and the mental issues the man gave me I am sure that I have somewhat,which is why I try to tell him the things I do now. He never talks about him,asks about him,nothing.So I dont know.I guess only time will tell, and the longer he goes without callign the mor inclined I am not to let Erik go at all.Unless of course he tells me he wants to go.IM SO CONFUSED
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
18 Jun 10
Yes,it hurts.If he had not been there the whoe time,it would be diffetent.It does help that my son doesnt care.I know he loves him,but he also knows he was mean to us.He is a mama's boy and will tell you he was mean to me and doesnt like him for it.My poor baby heard so much and went through so much I hate the man. And it just kills me that he is with someone new, without a care in the world, while we struggle and hurt.Why is it he was so mean yet now gets to be theone makeing $25 an hour and living it up? I did talk to him today(you can see above)...Didnt go well.He said he wasnt going to call.I told him when I wanted him to leave me alone he still came when he wanted to regardless of what I said.If he wanted to see his son he would have called.e doesnt care.I didnt tell my son that we talked because I know the man and I am not going to have him in and out of his liife, and I can tell this is what would happen.
@sid556 (31006)
• United States
19 Jun 10
Hi Erikmama, You are right in not forcing Erik to go with his dad. He saw and heard way too much. If his dad cared he'd be doing all he could to make it up to the boy and try to turn their relationship around. He can't do that if he only comes around once in a while. Don't worry, he isn't as carefree as it appears. He is still the same man. It's only a matter of time before he reveals his true colors to this new woman as well. You'll see. I know you don't want him back but I think the real reason you are upset is because you want him to hurt like you do and he appears not to be. I'm sure that this new lady is thinking he is great because she doesn't know otherwise and looking up to him so his ego is inflated. He can pretend that the abuse didn't happen and blame you for everything but on some level he really does know and sooner or later he will have to deal with it. You will look back on this one day and see it for all it really is and wonder why you spent a minute of your time being anything but grateful to be rid of him. Bookmark this thread so you can go and look back on it in a year from now.
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
7 Jun 10
I think making a child see a parent they don't want to see will only create harm for the child mentally later in life. My daughter didn't see her father for six years from 7 to 13 years old. At 13 she decided she wanted to find him and since then she has had a wonderful relationship with him. I know your situation its different because there has been mental abuse. I would not force him and wait till he decides later in life if he wants to be bother with his dad. I also think the dad should not be allowed to see his son at his own convenience and especially if he is not helping financially in the raising of his son. That is horrible that even after you text him about not having food for his son he didn't come running to help out. I think personally you could do better without the so-call man in either of your lives. You are both in my prays.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
7 Jun 10
Well,see,I have a problem with him not being in his life,then in it,then not.I know if he chooses to see him later I have to let him because regardless it is his father.But I look at it like hey, I raised him and you couldnt even call!! We dont even live 2 miles from each other! I wont force my son to see his father regardless of who thinkd I am wrong.Nooene knows what this man did to the both of us. He looked at my son and told him he hated him and he was the reason he had to deal with me.If he had never been born he wouldnt have had to.That was Feb.1,the night I left.I shoulda never spoke to him again.(And yes,my dumb self was dying inside over the diksucker) Now, his dad does pay child support.Most of the time I can make it...This paticular week I had not gotten child support for whatever reason.(Happens every now and again, either they hold the money or something)I had $10 to spend on food for the week, so I got some things for him to eat, and I ate a pack ramen noodles the whole week. Keep in mind daddy makes $25.50 an hour...I wouldnt have cared if it was kid on the street who said he was hungry I would have fed him if I could. If he wants to see him,I am not ok with it,but I have to b.e .As I told him, if you going to be in his life,be in it,if you aint,stay the phuck out of it.Im going to struggle, but I am going to make it and hes going to be ok.But seeing his dad once a month or two isnt doing anything for my baby. Plus he doesnt like him,doesnt want to see him.
@lelin1123 (15645)
• Puerto Rico
7 Jun 10
Ok if he is paying child support that is great. However, if your child is not comfortable in seeing him I would wait till he want to see him if ever. For him to make that kind of money and not come by to give you when you ran low for his child is cruel. Also to tell his son that he hated him. OMG!
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
7 Jun 10
That's exactly how I feel too,but since I have a bit of HATE for the man I didnt know if I was basing my opion on that or nor... Yea,It is real SH!TTY he coulda brought me some noodles or something,ya know.Didnt even care 2 text or call me back,so I feel he has no right to see him,even if he does pay child support.He does that cause it is state ordered. I left the night he said that to Erik.I wish I had never spoke to him again.Luckily I AM GOOD now.But I have a hatred for him that is always gonna be there.Erik told me a few minutes ago he never wanted to see him because he was so mean to us,if he wanted to be that way he didnt wanna see him.And who knows,I may never see or hear from him again,and thats fine with me.
@bounce58 (17524)
• Canada
9 Jun 10
That is very mature of your son to decide that he himself does not want to see his father. For him to come to that conclusion, could mean that he has been really hurt by whatever abusive treatment he got from his dad. It is easy for me to say not to make your son see his dad anymore. But the truth is, he is still his own blood. And maybe somewhere down the road he might want to see him again. So you never really know. For me, I wouldn't let him see him for now. That is his wishes so therefore I would like to honor that.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
9 Jun 10
Wow, somebody undetstands what I am saying about my son not wanting to see him.In my eyes that is saying a lot, especially at his age now.He did get hurt by hs dad.He is so strong and so brave, and so many times wiped tears from my eyes and hugged me telling me it would be ok.Aint nothing like a litlle boys mama and the stuff my baby saw is enough t o make him despise his daddy in itself.Add all the mean things he said and done to him.He liked to tell me stuff through our son...Erik I hate your mama,shes a piece of sh!t,while my poor baby was probably thinking,no she takes care of me,your the piece always mad.Anyways...It is his own blood, and regardless of what happens between us, he shoulda brought some food, sent $5 down here,texted or something that day.I should have heard from him before a month and a half.If he is going to be in his life, be in it,otherwise,stay out of it.And if my son doesnt want to see him right now,I wont make him go.
• Philippines
9 Jun 10
let your heart decide...
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
9 Jun 10
My heart is to full of hate for the man to make a rational decision...
@srganesh (6349)
• India
8 Jun 10
That is really very sad to hear about your condition now.As per law,you have to allow your son to meet his dad whenever your ex husband asks for.I can understand your son's feeling towards him but denying him may lead you into more complications.Your son may need his help in the future and so advice him to be formal at the least with his father.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
9 Jun 10
He's not husband, jsut boyfriend. Now,talking about laws,I know a thing or two about them.In the state of TN where I live, custody of the child is automatically granted to the mother. He has the right to see his child on a basis he and I can decide upon together, or if we cant do it,he can take me to court to have a jusdge set a visitation order.Thing is, I havent heard from him at all since he got a new girlfriend... So,visitation would be every couple weeks or something,not once every other month(which hes not even doing). Now,if he wants to take me to court, lets go.For starters with the history of abuse no jusdge in America would make my son go there.Perhaps supervised visits.And I would even contest that. So as far as the laws go he can take me to court.My child means much more than what someone who deosnt know me or my situation can tell me is right to do. Nobody was there with me and my son when we were being yelled at and cursed at and crying and screamed at.Nor when my baby saw me getting hit.Noone knows what we went through, so laws dont apply here.
@Sandra1952 (6052)
• Spain
7 Jun 10
Hello, Erikmama. It sounds like your son can see just what his father is like. If he doesn't want to see him, you should respect his wishes. The only qulifier I'd add to that is that you tell his grandfather that it's Erik's decision, not yours, and also make sure you don't run Erik's dad down in front of your son, as he may remember that in years to come, and forget that it was his decision not to see his dad. Your son sounds a boy to be proud of, and it's down to you. Good luck - you will get through this.
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
8 Jun 10
I've thought about that.My poor baby has seen and heard so much from the both of us.He has heard his dad call me names, me call him names.I have told him a hundred times that it is his daddy and if he wants to see hi, that is fine,that how I feel about his daddy has nothing to do with them.He has explained to me he knows this and doesnt want to see him.Partly I feel it may be based on things he has heard me say,and I now refrain from making any comments.But he has NEVER liked his dad, even as a baby. I did talk to his grandfather.He said he understood completley, and that was between us.He knows him well.(It stepdad actually)Knows how he is.He has 3 other kids he hasnt seen in ages. Hmm...I am not sure why I think our son is any different.I guess because we were together 6 years.But I am slowly adjusting to life now. Anyways,hopefully I wont hear from him anymore and wont have to worry.It still doesnt helo the questions my son asks,like why his daddy did this and that. We will make it!! God is with me,my daddy is my angel.We goin 2 be ok...soon!
@cream97 (29169)
• United States
7 Jun 10
This is a very sad case here. If you son does not want to see him, then don't. But sooner or later your son will want to see his father as he gets older. Hopefully. A father should never say anything abusive to his son. That is wrong. He has already created animosity towards his own child, which is very sad. I hope that he can do better than this. He should help you out by giving you money to get the food. If he is letting his new girlfriend interfere in when he gets to see his child, then he is also wrong for that too.
1 person likes this
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
7 Jun 10
He has never liked his dad and it is so sad.If you only seen him.He tells his dad he is a jerk all the time.He never was really a dad to him in the first place.My son is amamas boy and I think with just seeinf what all he done to me hurts my son enough to not like him that much more.My son is 5 but you would think he was 12.He is so grown,so mature, and knows everything thats going on.He even hugged me and told me not to cry about his stupid daddy,it was going to be alright and we would make it without him.How strong is that for such a little man? I ended up calling my sons grandfather(his dad).This was 2 weeks ago.He gave me some monmey to buy food.Real sad.I dont know if it is the girl or not...
@dorannmwin (36698)
• United States
9 Jun 10
If Erik doesn't want to see his father, then you shouldn't force him to. However, if there ever comes a time that he is interested in seeing his father, you shouldn't try to sway his desire either. Thus, for the time being I think that it is best to not force the issue of him seeing his father because that is what is best for both him and for you as you are going through this period of healing in your life. When situations change, the actions that you are taking are also going to have to change as well.
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
18 Jun 10
I dont want to sway him away,yet at the same time,I feel like if he is not there for a year or how ever long, then what right does he come back into my baby's life when it has been me doing it.My child is achild,not something that can be tossed and turned when he wants to. It is not fir for him to walk out and walk in when he pleases, plus I am struggling and he can just party hard. If he does want to see him,then me being a mama that I am ,will let him see him.
• India
8 Jun 10
let him understand the value of relationship ....give him some time..and let him come to you and ask for forgiveness..
@erikmama (12934)
• United States
18 Jun 10
haha.We will never be together agin, and I am not to kind to stating out of his life for months,coming back in it,out again,etc. It is his loss,not mine.I am struggling right now, but in time I WILL BE OK and he will still be the same piece of dog doo he has always been!